Chapter Eleven
Spencer
“Congratulations again, Dr. Grey,” says my assistant, giving me a small hug.
The excitement and chatter wrap around the room from my surgical staff and Paul’s.
The surgery is complete, and the patient is stable.
Now we wait to see the results, but it will likely be deemed a success, and a big one.
I tear off my mask and gloves and wash my hands, hunching over the sink, exhausted but relieved, as our patient did great.
Paul joins in next to me and exhales with a smile. “Good work, man.”
“You, too.” I shake the water off my hands and wipe them dry with a paper towel.
“Are you ready for the interviews?”
“No, I want to sleep for a few days first.” I smirk with a sigh.
“Don’t sleep too long. You’ve got that VCR with Dr. Quint soon.”
“I know, I’m pumped, but I need to recharge before that one. Ready to share some good news?” This is the part that has been my lifeline for the past five years.
“Ready.”
Paul and I look like two surgeons who have just completed a highly complex, twelve-hour microscopic ATA procedure.
Our hair is a bit disheveled, our eyes slightly bloodshot, but our smiles of success and relief are what stand out as we push through the doors to the waiting room of the family.
They hesitantly rise as we enter. Their fearful, wide eyes turn to relief as they focus on the joy on our faces, and their shoulders relax.
Our patient’s wife hugs me so tightly I lose my breath.
Others in the family gather around, crying, laughing, and wiping their eyes.
“The tumors are gone, and he is currently stable. We will closely monitor his vitals over the next twenty-four hours, but I am hopeful,” I say, meeting the gaze of family. His loved ones all knew the high risk of him dying on the operating table, as did Paul and I.
“I don’t know how to ever thank you.” His wife cries into my chest. My heart swells with its usual bliss and relief of a life saved.
This love flows through it, bringing me purpose and peace, but there’s something off, something missing, a gaping hole begging and yearning to be filled.
After informing the family of the next steps of his recovery, I excuse myself.
As I’m slipping back through the doors, his wife calls out to me, “Thank you, Dr. Grey, and Merry Christmas.”
“Merry Christmas,” I say as emotion creeps up my throat and threatens to spill out of my eyes.
I don’t know where she is or what she’s doing or if she will even want to see me, but I text her.
SPENCER
Hi. Sorry it’s been a while. Where are you?
I hold my breath, acknowledging the fact that I may not ever hear back. When my phone buzzes, I laugh out loud and sigh with relief.
AMANDA
At my friend’s Christmas party.
SPENCER
How long are you there for?
AMANDA
Leaving soon.
SPENCER
Can I see you?
Ten minutes pass, and I’m about to follow up when her text comes through.
AMANDA
Yes. Come to my house?
SPENCER
Anywhere.
She sends me the address.
There’s traffic, and I can’t move through these cars fast enough.
I stop at Target on my way, which is interesting on Christmas Eve.
Passing through the hanging lights, giant wreaths, and red bows in town warms my insides and tests my patience to get to her.
On the highway, I’m also testing the cops around me as I pass the speed limit.
When I exit, I have five minutes until I’m at her home.
My palms are sweaty on the wheel, and I bite my bottom lip.
I haven’t processed what I’m going to say, as the emotions running through me are clouding my thoughts, but somehow, I trust I’m going to say the right words.
Her townhome community is quaint and cheery, with streetlights strung with garland and red ribbon.
The homes are each lit with their own spin on festive lights.
Some pure white, some colorful and twinkling, but all carry the magic.
“You arrived at your destination,” is announced from the woman on my GPS.
I park my car and wrap the present with tissue paper and lay it in the gift bag.
It’s been a year and a few days since I’ve seen Amanda, and over six months since we’ve spoken.
In some ways, our time apart feels like a lifetime, but more so like we haven’t skipped a beat.
My heart thunders in my chest as I float up the steps to her door, but I’m also completely at peace. I close my eyes and breathe one last time before ringing the doorbell, but the door opens, and Amanda stands before me. We are face to face as I gaze down into her eyes that feel like home.
“I have been working on myself, thanks to you.” The corners of her mouth curl up, but stop, not allowing herself to feel us until she hears what I have to say.
“It’s been a while, Spencer.”
“I know, and I’m sorry. Thank you for seeing me.
” I drop the bag in my hand and slowly reach my fingers towards her arm, and she leans backwards.
I retract my hand and let it fall next to my side.
What did I really expect? That she would just accept me back with open arms?
Then she steps into my space, and any pain left inside of me vanishes.
I extend my hand towards her again and close my eyes at the feeling of her under my fingertips.
When I open them, I’m going to dive into her soul, and swallow her into mine.
“You’re real, not just in my dreams. Dreams where I’ve woken up drenched in sweat and calling for you.
” My voice barely works. “I’d roll to my side and reach for you like next to the fire, but you were never there.
And I know that’s my fault. That this has been all my doing, and I’m sorry. ”
She rolls her lips in, and the corners of them turn up.
“I had a groundbreaking surgery today, the biggest of my career. The patient who was most likely going to die on my table survived. Another notch on my chest…” Tightness creeps into my face, and my eyes burn.
“The happiness and relief from his family and my team…” My voice cracks, and I tighten my fingers around her arm as tears well in her unwavering eyes.
“It wasn’t enough; it wasn’t even close to being enough.
And I realized what I wanted was you. To share it with you.
To hear your voice, to hear your laugh.”
She presses her lips together as her chin quivers.
I slide my hand up her arm to the side of her face, meeting my other hand and framing it, before gazing down to the only one I want inches from me for the rest of my life.
She steps against me and wraps her arms around my waist, and I continue.
“I love you, and I want you to love me. In fact, I need you to love me. I still have a lot of work to do on myself, but I’m committed and willing to do it alongside you, so long as you will have me. ”
She exhales as her eyes close. When she opens them, they give a free passage into her soul, and she says, “I want all of you, Spencer. The good, the bad, everything that makes you…you. Now stop talking and kiss me.” She laughs through her tears, and my lips storm hers.
My knees are weak as they’ve only been for her, and I kiss her with every ounce of love I have, fueling it with this new feeling, one that was always there but needed Amanda to coax it out.
To find me, which she did, and this kiss is fueled by a year of not seeing the woman who saved me.
Our mouths move in a rhythm that only we could dance to.
Minutes pass, maybe hours. I lose track of time, and I don’t care.
Our bodies tighten, and I’m about to pick her up and carry her back to her bedroom when I hear, “Is that Spencer, Mommy?” I freeze, and my eyes pop open as Amanda laughs against my mouth.
She slowly pulls back, and I release her face. She turns as a boy with tussled brown hair and wide, curious eyes steps out from around the corner. He has a tablet in his hand. “I know you told me to play in the other room until you came for me, but I wanted to meet Spencer.”
“You must be Tyler,” I say, scooping up the gift bag next to me.
He smiles and nods his head. “You’re even bigger than your mom described.
” He grins. “I brought you a Christmas present,” I say, dropping to one knee in front of him.
He opens the bag, peers inside, and pulls out a basketball-sized dome wrapped in blue tissue paper.
He tears it off to reveal a Darth Vadar mask.
His head pops up with a gaping mouth and saucer-sized eyes.
Amanda laughs and wipes a tear from her cheek.
“Yes!” shouts Tyler. “Can I put it on?”
“You remembered,” Amanda says, her eyes wide.
“I remember every second spent with you. Every word, every look.” I step closer and lower my voice as I dip my chin. “Every touch,” I whisper. She bites her lip and flushes as her arms tighten around my side.
Tyler is trying to tear the plastic off the helmet. “I got it, buddy. I think we need to get some scissors,” says Amanda, striding across the room.
“Yay! Spencer, what are you doing for Christmas?” he asks, skipping into the kitchen and towards a drawer Amanda opens.
“Umm—”
“Want to have it here?”
“Tyler, you can’t ask him—”
“Sure, but only if it’s okay with your mom.”
She pauses mid-cut as her eyes flash wide, then she smiles.
After freeing the mask and handing it to Tyler, she strides over to me and circles her arms around my waist. I drape mine over her shoulders and gaze down into the eyes of the woman I love and can’t help the smile that spreads across my face.
“I think that’s the best present I could ever ask for,” she says as she rises onto her tiptoes and brushes her lips over mine.
“Ew. I thought we didn’t kiss friends?” says Tyler.
“Spencer is more than a friend, buddy.”
“Okay. Well, whatever.”
Amanda laughs, and Tyler places the Darth Vader mask over his head. He presses the side button, and Vader’s iconic breathing begins, followed by a quote about the dark side. “Well, that’s going to keep his attention for a while.”
“In that case…” My lips seize hers again while Tyler is distracted across the room with his new toy.
Two lives were saved today, the one on my operating table and my own.
Amanda’s love and patience allowed me to break the chains that held me to my past, drowning in the blood of an old wound I wouldn’t let heal.
One I wanted to feel the pain from for eternity to remind me of the damage I caused.
But I am ready and worthy to move forward and past it.
Facing those demons may be a lifelong battle for me, but one I will win, fighting alongside Amanda rather than shutting her out.
I’m ready to be the man she deserves, and the one I’ve always wanted to be.
This Christmas will be the best one of my life, and God willing, every moment from this day forward.
I found my person. The one who will love all of me.
The one who can bask in my light and doesn’t run from my darkness.
Who is willing to slay the demons by my side.
The one I’d do anything for and who makes me want to be a better man.
With Amanda, we’ve cleared the mountains, but in life, there will inevitably be just one more mountain. One, that we will climb together.