Chapter Ten #3
I hadn’t even noticed they were here. It’s only me and Spencer, just like in the wilderness.
My lips storm his, and he grasps my face with both hands and kisses my breath away.
The beeps of his heart monitor are rapid firing, and we both giggle and continue.
The fervor behind it is claiming, yet tender and raw.
“I’ve missed you,” he says against my lips.
“I’ve become accustomed to spending every second of every hour of the day with you.” I smile against him. “It’s been hard being away from you, and I’ve been so worried.”
“Will you lie with me?”
“Am I allowed to? What if I bump into your ribs or whatever else is damaged in there?” I point to his midsection.
“I’m a doctor, remember?” He chuckles.
“Oh, that’s right,” I tease as I climb in beside him. We curl into each other, just like we did each night after he cried in my arms. With our foreheads touching, his breathing slows into a rhythmic pattern, and he falls asleep entwined against me.
Three days have passed, and I must go home to Tyler.
They plan on keeping Spencer for observation for at least another week.
My life is returning to normal. I’ve become somewhat of a local celebrity, as the news has covered a story on me, and I have given interviews for several other publications.
I’m back to my photography business with family photo shoots, weddings, and other freelance work.
Spencer only lives an hour from me. All this time, our paths have never crossed.
What is it going to look like moving forward?
We haven’t spoken of it. Spencer and I text multiple times a day and FaceTime every night after Tyler goes to bed.
Yesterday, he was a bit more tense and distant on the phone.
His jaw was clenched, and he wasn’t making as much eye contact.
I didn’t ask what was bothering him, but I’m hoping he will open up and tell me if he wants to share it.
Tyler is settled in for the night, and I pick up my phone to call Spencer. He answers almost immediately. “Hi!” I say in a chipper tone, unable to contain my excitement to see and speak with him. “Look at you with that baby face! You clean up well, although I do like you with a beard.”
He gives me a small smile, but his eyes tell it all. There are bruises underneath, and they’re laced with sadness.
“Spencer, what is it?”
“They are discharging me tomorrow.”
“That’s great news!”
He’s silent as he inhales and lifts his chin, breaking eye contact with the phone.
“Are you going to fly back? I can’t believe I got on a plane. They gave me a Valium, which helped. I don’t think I will ever take a charter flight again, though.”
It’s the way his face falls, and the way his eyes glaze over with a layer of tears, that plummets my stomach to the floor.
“I knew I couldn’t hide from my past if we made it home,” he says in a detached voice.
No. He didn’t just say that.
“And that’s okay. You can face it, work through it. We can work through it.”
He swallows, and then his lips press into a thin line, and he closes his eyes.
My breathing is loud in the silence as I wait for the shoe to drop.
“I’m sorry, but I can’t be with you until I work on myself.”
A sharp pain shoots through my chest as my breath stops. Anger and sadness whip through me so violently I can’t process a thought, let alone speak. I turn the phone away from me as I shake my head, pain contorting my face. I blow out a breath and smooth my features before facing him.
“But you can. I will be here with you every step of the way.”
“We can’t. I have to do this alone.” He hardens his jaw, but his eyes still reach for me.
“Spencer, don’t do this.” My voice and body tremble, and I feel naked with nowhere to hide, and…foolish. “I trusted you.”
“I know, and I’m sorry.”
“I told you I loved you, and you didn’t say it back,” I whisper in disbelief at my own stupidity.
He swallows hard, looking like he’s going to vomit. “Amanda, I do.” His voice is gruff. “It’s just when I say it to you, I want it to mean that I can, the way I want to, the way you deserve to be loved.”
The pain in my chest rips through me, and I grab it and can barely breathe.
“You healed me, Spencer. You made me trust again, all of you. Every part of you is what I fell in love with: the good, the bad, all of it! I leaned on you not only with my body, but with my life, with my heart. We leaned on each other! Why would you think we can’t be together? ”
“Because I’ll only let you down, and my patients will come first.”
“Another notch on your chest?” I instantly regret those words as I clamp down on my jaw. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that.”
He squeezes his eyes shut. When he opens them, they are distant and detached. “That’s the only way I know how to deal with it, Amanda. The only way I can sleep at night and not drink myself to death or put a bullet in my head!”
“Spencer, let me help you. You can still add another notch, and we can be together. You can still love me and work on yourself. I’m not going anywhere, and I can handle it—”
“But I can’t. I want to with every fiber of my being, but I can’t.”
The room is spinning, and I cover my mouth while simultaneously crushing the phone between my fingers. I want to reach through it and shake sense into him. “Don’t do this,” I smother into my palm.
His eyes close again, and he stills, and they are slow to meet mine. “I need to. I need to be alone. It’s the only way.”
“We can do it together. I’m not going to say it again, and I’m not going to beg you like a dog.” The hurt and the anger overtaking me is going to make me say something I will regret.
“I don’t expect you to. This is one of the most difficult conversations I’ve ever had. You are completely valid to feel the way you do. I’m a piece of shit. That’s my point.”
My heart bleeds at how he views himself. “Spencer, stop it. Don’t say that; it’s not true. It couldn’t be further from the truth.” Now I am begging. Pleading. Not only for him to want to be with me, but for him to look at himself in the light that I see him.
“I’d say to wait for me, but I’m not going to because I don’t know how long it will take to become the man worthy of you, if I even can.”
“What does that even mean?” I shout. “I’ve already told you, how you are right now is all I need, all I want!”
“It means that I can look in the mirror and see someone I can love. That I can put you first in front of my insecurities and not think every second I’m with you that you’re going to leave and abandon me. I can’t live like that, and you shouldn’t live with that either!”
And that’s it. He doesn’t love himself, and I can’t help him do that.
“Spencer, no,” I choke out, anger and sadness battering my insides, shaking me, rattling me to my core.
“Amanda, know that you are everything to me. You are the reason I’m going to try and fix myself. No one has ever made me believe that I could or that I’m capable of being loved and returning it. No one, nothing, until you.”
“You are more than enough, Spencer. Not only for me, but for yourself, and I hope you realize that for your own sake. You are beautiful in every way. If it weren’t for Tyler, I could have lived the rest of my life with you in that cave,” I whisper.
“I want to live the rest of my life with you anywhere, not just in a place hiding from my biggest demons that I can’t overcome. That’s what I’m trying to do, Amanda.”
“I love you, Spencer. Always.” And I hang up before I hear him tell me goodbye. The phone slips from my hand and bounces on the bed as I roll onto my side and clutch a pillow and muffle a scream.
The weeks turn into months without Spencer. Spring melts away winter. Despite the new growth of life and flowers in bloom, I feel my spirit slipping away.
The winter in the mountains was where I felt like my true self.
Nothing could fill the void of not having Tyler with me, but I felt brave.
I learned there wasn’t a situation I couldn’t overcome.
Any self-doubt caused by Phil was chased away in that wilderness.
I always knew it, but I confirmed I was a mother who would walk through fire for her child, and that gives me peace, knowing Tyler will have me as his rock through life.
That season gave me hope and purpose. Those mountains restored my faith in humanity from a selfless man who sacrificed himself for me and doesn’t believe himself worthy of love.
Who lives to save lives but won’t let anyone save him.
We have spoken a few times, mainly texting, as seeing his face or hearing his voice is too much for me to bear if he’s not mine.
I know he feels the same way. He’s back to his surgeries, back to his patients.
He has also been going to therapy three days a week since returning home.
Spring turns into summer, with evening bike rides with Tyler, days by the pool, and trips to the beach.
Sweet times spent with my little boy, but there is still a hole in my heart, as I haven’t heard from Spencer in a month.
He didn’t answer my last text. I know he continues to thrive at work, as I’ve read articles online about his recent surgeries.
He’s somewhat of a rockstar in the world of neurosurgery, which doesn’t surprise me.
He’s also not on social media, so I can’t even keep up with life updates there, but I’m not sure I’d want to.
Again, seeing him would be too painful. I continue to wait for him, with no time limit, just a feeling in my heart to keep it open.
The leaves turn to vibrant colors of reds, oranges, and yellows as the air turns brisk.
I stopped texting Spencer after the third time he didn’t respond, but I am living my life.
Spending time with my closest friends and enjoying my career, which I’m fortunate to call my passion.
I’d be lying if I said my heart doesn’t bleed when I shoot a wedding and see the couples’ eyes on fire with their future and hearts on full display.
Tyler continues to be the light of my life, and he started second grade this fall.
It’s morning, and Tyler, my usual alarm clock, wakes me up by snuggling into bed next to me. I check the time on my phone, and my heart stops. There’s a text from Spencer. I open it and it reads:
SPENCER
Just one more mountain.
I gasp and cover my mouth as hope whirls through me and steals my breath.
“What is it, Mommy?” Tyler sits up and looks at my phone. “Sp-e-ncer” he sounds out. “Spencer. Is that your friend from the mountain?”
“Yes, I whisper.”