18 Sam
I had to get away from him. I took my slices of space apple and ran up to my room claiming I was going to record my findings. Maybe I could take photos of the root for my records. Study it. That would have all been smart and productive, but as soon as I began doing work, my brain couldn’t focus long enough to make any real progress. Saleuk occupied every corner of my thoughts and it was driving me insane.
I managed to snap a few photos with my datapad before I finished off the last of the root. It didn’t taste like anything spectacular, but root vegetables on Earth didn’t either. It was food, though, and so far, I wasn’t feeling ill from it.
When I noticed a tapping sound on the roof, I almost thought nothing of it. But then it picked up. It grew louder and louder until I could see very faint lines of water trickling down the mirror’s wall from a leak in the roof.
It was raining. I was surprised it hadn’t rained since we arrived seeing as the moon was covered in thick clouds.
I loved rain. The sound of it. The smell of it. I rolled onto my back for a moment and just let the rhythm of the downpour sink in. It brought me peace at a time when I was so wound up I thought might break.
But that peace made my mind clear for a moment long enough to finally, truly analyze something. Saleuk. I knew I’d heard two hearts when I slept beside him. It would have meant nothing to me a year ago, but now that I knew more about his people, I knew exactly what two heartbeats meant. It meant he’d surged. It meant his body was functioning like it would have before the Thinning. That was huge.
So why hadn’t he told me? Why wasn’t he more excited?
A part of me wondered if I was reading into things too deeply. Perhaps he surged in the year we were apart. A surge wasn’t exclusive, after all. Someone else could have awoken that part of him. Thinking it was me was a little na?ve.
Hopeful.
It could have been anyone, I reasoned.
But I want it to be me.
What was wrong with me and my damaged brain? No one wanted me. Least of all Saleuk. I was certain of it. I had been a burden to him back then and I was a burden to him on that moon.
But that brief moment when we were teasing each other and fell into the water was eye-opening. I remembered feeling a shock that sunk right to my core and that wasn’t normal. It couldn’t have been. Humans didn’t react that way with others. Every time he touched me, I tingled. My skin heated and my stomach fluttered.
Any time a human touched me, I felt icky or on guard. I felt suspicious and cautious.
Humans always wanted something. At least, the humans I grew up around did.
I wanted to touch myself.
I wanted to touch myself, close my eyes, and imagine Saleuk.
Pressing the heels of my hands to my forehead, I suppressed a tortured whine and sat up abruptly. I needed to get my shit together and sitting in my room was no longer helping.
I walked down to the lobby to see Saleuk standing under a stream of water dripping from the ceiling above. Still shirtless, damn him. He was crouched, setting what he said was a water filter over a small basin as if testing it.
“Do you really need a water filter for rainwater?” I asked.
“Not for the rainwater. For what it passes when it seeps through the holes in the roof, perhaps. But I’m mostly just testing it.”
“How do you know if it’s working?”
He stood and pointed at a little glass tube on the side. “If that turns any color that is not clear, it means it’s filtering contaminants.”
I crossed my arms over myself, realizing that the rain brought a level of frigid air with it. I was still damp from our dip in the river, so it chilled me.
“Did you study your food?” Saleuk said, somewhat teasingly.
“Yes, I studied it.” I followed him as he sat down again at the table, pulling his still-damp wrap shirt over himself as if he knew his being shirtless was a distraction. Sitting down across from him, I said, “I was also going over some theories about things. Ideas.”
“Theories and ideas?” he asked with a smirk.
“Yes. Theories and ideas.”
“About plants?”
“No, not so much,” I swallowed nervously. “More, about people. A person, actually.” I watched as he reached out and took one of the remaining slices of space apple, biting a big chunk of it off with his teeth. “Can I ask you something?”
“You just did.”
“That’s not the question. It’s more of a personal question. But I’m willing to give a personal answer to trade.”
He raised his brow, staring at me expectantly. “You don’t need to trade an answer for an answer.”
“Still. Ask me something. I’m bored.”
Groaning, Saleuk leaned back in his chair and lifted one foot to rest on the edge of the table. I could see his eyes searching for something to ask.
“Make it good,” I urged.
“Alright, what’s your natural hair color?”
“Brown. That’s not a good question. Ask me something better.”
“Like what?”
“Something deep. If you could know anything about me, no walls, what would it be?”
The wheels turned again and I waited. And waited. Saleuk was putting a good deal of thought behind his question and it both scared and excited me.
“Why is everything a competition?”
Good one…
“It’s not. Not really. But,” I shrugged. “I don’t know. I’ve never been good at anything. The last year, I’ve been trying really hard and sometimes I just feel this stupid need to win. Even if I’m the only one competing, I just want a win. I mean, my brother always said that if you’re not first, you’re last. I’ve been last my whole life,” I laughed coldly.
Mentioning my brother didn’t sit well with me, though. I hated that I’d even quoted him. The feigned amusement wilted from my face and I dropped my eyes, picking at my nails.
“Where’s your brother?” Saleuk asked as if sensing my unease.
“Don’t know,” I said quickly. “He fell a lot further down the drug-induced blackhole than I did. Who knows where it took him? He took care of me. For a long time, he was the only one. But then my mom killed herself and I only heard the gunshot. Leo saw it. So when he disappeared, I hated it, but I expected it. I wanted to disappear, too.”
Silence. The rain was the only noise in that place and it sounded more solemn after I’d spoken about my brother. I kept picking at my nails, breaking them to jagged edges before I realized what I was doing. Then I pressed my palms on the table and put a practiced smile on my face, looking up at Saleuk. He regarded me with a heavy, yet unreadable expression on his face.
“And yet the freighter is what you dream about?” he said.
“I stopped hearing that gunshot in my sleep by the time I met Innifer. I never even told her about it.”
“Well,” he sighed. “That’s worth a pretty good answer to whatever your question is.”
I collected myself, sucking my bottom lip between my teeth as I built up the courage to ask Saleuk the burning question. I thought I might chicken out, but there was no better time to be bold than when I was on an alien moon stranded in the wilderness.
“Did you…” I said softly. “Did you surge before or after being assigned to a bunch of humans?”
Saleuk stopped in the middle of chewing and slowly peered up at me. The look in his eyes set me on fire and it took everything not to try and douse that fire by moving closer to him.
But I was also terrified. I was terrified because there was no simulator on that damn rock to ease my needs. No artificial way to quench my thirst for him. If I made an advance, I knew where that would lead and it was a place I’d never been. For a second, he said nothing and I thought he might say he didn’t surge. Then I could blame my reaction to him on white knight syndrome or whatever the hell it was. Or I could blame it on aphrodisiac flowers or loneliness. Hell, did a surge even affect humans?
I feel like it did…
Innifer mentioned how she felt when Vahko touched her. But was I imagining things?
I wanted to run when Saleuk still wasn’t responding.
But he wasn’t saying anything to disprove my suspicions either.
“I heard two heartbeats,” I confessed quickly, pushing the words out before I lost my nerve. “I mean, that’s big, right?”
Saleuk cleared his throat, clearly uncomfortable, which just made me equally uncomfortable.
“Did it just happen or did you meet someone since last year? I’m just curious,” I shrugged, trying my best to seem casual.
“It just happened,” he confessed. “And yes, it’s very significant.”
“I can’t believe you haven’t been more excited.”
“I’m excited and conflicted.”
I swallowed, acting oblivious. “Why would you be conflicted.”
“Because I surged with you, Sam,” he said, making his words very clear.
Heat overtook me and I knew his superior eyesight could probably see me turning bright red in the face. Suddenly, a waterfall of nervous thoughts crashed into me and I remembered the fact that I was a virgin from a world where people didn’t touch. How the hell could I navigate anything physical with someone like Saleuk?
“We can’t… I mean,” I waved my hand between us, my voice low and sorrowful. “I can’t… with you. Right? It’s just…”
“I know,” he said, standing from the table. There was no anger or malice in his voice. Just simple acceptance and it killed me. “It’s why I didn’t tell you. With a surge, it’s usually two-sided, but if you haven’t felt anything, then it’s pretty telling. Our bodies make mistakes all the time.”
“You think it’s a mistake? After all this time not feeling your petal—”
“Paetal.”
“Whatever. You really think your body is wrong?”
I was squirming in my skin wondering what else to say. It absolutely was two-sided and it was killing me to act like it wasn’t because I was a chicken.
“I don’t know,” Saleuk sighed. “Valerians only started reacting to humans in that way since, well, since it happened to Vahko. There’s not much research on it.” He walked away a few paces as if trying to put distance between us and I felt like invisible hands were reaching desperately toward him to make him stay. “I’m going to get some air.”
“But it’s raining,” I said after him.
“Might be good for me.”
I watched him leave, my heart beating like a trapped animal trying to get free. I wondered if I should go after him. If I should tell him about the insistent throbbing between my legs. About how I couldn’t stop thinking about him. Or about the way my pulse felt like fire when I was around him. About how I could smell him before he entered a room and how the tone of his voice made my limbs melt.
“Fuck,” I hissed, scrubbing my hands over my face. “Fuck!”
I shot up from the table and walked briskly to the entrance. Stepping outside, I was immediately met with the chill of misty rain. Just ahead of me was Saleuk, pacing further away from the building.
“Saleuk!” I called after him.
He turned, finally letting the torment he was feeling affect his features. He looked exhausted and I could feel that exhaustion in my bones because it was the same for me. I ambled toward him, taking a deep breath to prepare for the confession I was about to make.
“I feel it, too,” I said.
“Don’t lie to me, Sam,” he said. “You couldn’t stand me last time we were together. This doesn’t make sense.”
“It doesn’t make sense, but I’m not lying.” I dug my fingers into my hair, letting the emotions bubble up to the surface. “God, I’m really not lying. I’ve never been more honest.” I growled in frustration just thinking of everything I’d been feeling since we arrived on Phesah. “When I see you, I imagine you kissing me. When I watch you fix something, I want you to be touching me instead. My heart beats a million times a second every time you walk past me. It beats so hard I worry you’ll hear it and think I’m having a heart attack. For God’s sake, I can freaking smell you and you smell good. You smell like those little fruits you collect for me and rain and sometimes you smell like the dirt and flowers but it all smells so fucking good because it’s you.”
I stopped, realizing how much word vomit I’d just spewed. I probably looked and sounded crazy, especially drenched like a stray dog in the rain. I looked up at Saleuk and saw him just watching me, mouth slightly agape with surprise.
“But,” I continued. “I’m scared, ok? I’m terrified. I’m terrified you don’t feel the same way and I’m terrified that you do. I know a surge is just physical, but it doesn’t just feel physical and that’s bonkers.” I took a moment to process my next words before saying them.
“And, you see, I’m not… experienced. I know I talk about all the men I’ve been with, but it’s not like that. On Earth, there’s no touch. No intimacy. And I was a bit of a slut, ok, but I never… there was no contact. Nothing physical. It’s all simulations there. All virtual. All disconnected. Sure, I’ve done it a hundred times, but I’ve never done it and certainly never with someone I…” I stopped again, locking eyes with him. “Someone I cared about. I’ve never been with someone. Not for real. Not ever. And I’m not saying that this guarantees you want to screw my brains out, but the thought is there. It's never been there before. I’ve never really considered myself being with a guy that way and I swear to God if you don’t shut me up, I’m going to keep making this more awkward for the both of us.”
He just kept looking at me and I was suddenly very aware of how much I’d just confessed. I was mortified at how I’d just opened up and also proud of myself for doing it. Keeping it all in was eating me alive. Not just in that moment, but my whole life. Although, I wasn’t sure exactly how wise it was to go as far as I did.
“Sam,” Saleuk said. “I…”
Nothing. I’d spilled my guts and he had nothing. I brushed my hands back over my now soaked hair and tried desperately to find any scraps of my armor that were left to put back around my heart.
“You don’t have anything to say?”
“No, I don’t.”
I nodded, feeling a bit too stripped, and started to turn away from him. His hand was quick to clamp around my wrist and turn me back toward him. I was instantly irritated by the smirk on his face.
But then he spoke and the irritation turned to ash.
“So, no physical touch, huh?”
“What?”
“Does that mean you can’t show me that thing humans do with their mouths?”
“What… kissing?”
“Sure,” he shrugged.
I was dumbstruck…
“I… I haven’t… I don’t…”
He stepped in closer, the smirk dissolving into fascination when he eyed my lips. His free hand slid up my arm and then around to cup the nape of my neck.
“Then you wouldn’t be able to judge me if I do it wrong?” he asked.
“You… you want to kiss me?”
“Do you want me to kiss you?”
The irritation was back and I narrowed my eyes at him. “I’m about to slap you.”
He chuckled, his eyes moving to my lips again and filling my belly with butterflies.
“Yes,” he said. “I do want to kiss you, Sam.”
“Well…” I said shyly. “Do it.”
My heart was doing backflips. Saleuk inched closer until my chest was brushing up against him and leaned in, his lips caressing mine. It was light and gentle. Enough to tease me. But a taste only left me wanting more. When he pulled away, I found myself lifting my chin to chase him.
“That’s not fair,” I whispered.
“What isn’t?”
“I wanted a kiss.”
“Then tell me to kiss you.”
I rose up on my toes, gripping the thin fabric of his shirt in my hands to pull him toward me.
“Kiss me.”
He didn’t waste a second. His mouth crashed against mine and took my breath away. I moaned against his lips, melting into the hardness of his body as he slid his tongue into my mouth. The feeling was exhilarating. Warm and wonderful and addicting. I rose higher on my toes, trying to get closer to him. To feel more of him against me. When my teeth grazed his bottom lip, I heard him growl deep in his throat and the sound trickled south so fast, I nearly swooned.
When Saleuk finally pulled away, we were both panting.
“Is that how it’s done?”
I shook my head, licking the taste of him off my lips. “It’s better than a simulation,” I admitted. “That’s all I can say.”
Our mouths met again and when they did, Saleuk dropped his hands to my waist and hoisted me off the ground. My legs flew around his hips like it was second nature and immediately, I felt the hard press of his concealed cock prodding my center. I couldn’t help myself. I rocked against it, loving the way his muscles went taut when I did. I did it again and listened to that sweet, tortured groan deep in his throat.
“I’m sorry,” I said against his mouth. “I can’t help it. I love what I’m doing to you. That’s awful, I’m sorry.”
He coiled his fingers in my hair, pulling my head back from the kiss.
“It’s not awful. You feel so good, al’fira. I’ve been wanting to touch you for days.”
Like I weighed nothing, he walked us both back inside and sat me down on the edge of the table. He kept kissing me, claiming my mouth like kissing was second nature to him. His big hands gripped my ass, pulling me against his firm groin and I gasped when it slid over the bud of my clit.
I wanted him inside me. It was a feral need that consumed my entire being, but I was still terrified. I was physically a virgin and I knew Saleuk wasn’t small. He wasn’t even human. I was out of my mind knowing how real it all was. I didn’t have the disconnection of virtual reality to lessen the experience. I didn’t have a digital wall between us. I had him. All of him, in the flesh and completely real.
“Saleuk,” I said on an exhale, arching into him as his hand slid under the fabric of my tank top to cup my breast. “I wasn’t lying when I said I was scared.”
He drew back to look at me, thumb grazing my pert nipple and making me shiver.
“Scared of me?”
I hated that he even asked that question.
“No. Of this. All of it. You’re the most real thing I’ve ever known. I have no idea what I’m doing here.”
He pressed his forehead to mine, taking a deep breath.
“You’re trembling, Sam.”
I nodded, so turned on I could cry and yet embarrassed by it. “I don’t, um… I’ve never.”
“I know. You told me.”
“No, I mean, I’ve never had anyone. People don’t choose me. I’m a joke.”
The last words came out in a humorless laugh just as my eyes started to sting with unshed tears.
“Stop,” Saleuk whispered, brushing his thumb across my cheek. “You are not a joke. Not to me.”
I shook my head, not wanting to think of the real reasons we should be scared. They were too logical and logic wasn’t in my dictionary that night. I wanted so badly to prove that I wanted him. That I needed him. But my brain kept getting in the way and telling me we weren’t compatible. That I wasn’t enough. That he would come to his senses and see how worthless I was.
With one last slow kiss, Saleuk lifted me off the table and then pulled me into the softest most consuming embrace I’d ever felt in my life. I felt invincible wrapped in his strong, alien arms. I pressed my head to his chest and listened to the rhythm of his dual heartbeats, wanting to sink into him and never leave.
“It sounds so strange,” I whispered against him. “I can’t believe they’re both beating.”
I felt his lips press against the top of my head and I melted.
“They are now,” he said.
I drew back a little, craning my neck to look up at him. “Can I sleep with you again tonight?”
Brushing a few wet strands of clinging hair from my forehead, he said, “You can stop asking.”