18. Chapter Eighteen
Chapter Eighteen
Blaire
D allas drops me off at the distillery to pick up my car, only to find it buried under an exorbitant amount of snow. He forces me to sit in his warm car while he works to clean mine off and get it warmed up for me. When it’s clear of all snow, he opens the passenger side door and helps me climb out of it.
“I’m good to go?”
“I’m following you, but yeah, it’s running and warm now.”
“You didn’t have to do that, but thank you.”
“I wanted to, Blaire. Now get in the car where it’s warm, and drive slow.”
I get settled in my car, feeling a mix of emotions, but thankful for all of his hard work, and pull out of the lot. I take it slow, Dallas behind me in his souped-up Audi. The snow is piled high on the side of the road from being plowed recently. Gray clouds cover the sky from the sun, blocking any view of the mountains, and the tall Sitka spruce trees are heavily blanked with a thick layer of fluffy white snow, making everything look like a true winter wonderland. I’m thankful for the salt on the roads as I navigate back into town, but I still drive at a crawling pace.
Dallas is such an enigma. This brute of a man can be so compassionate and caring. A natural caretaker. My face flames at the reminder of him cleaning me up after sex, no matter how many times I told him I could do it myself. When he explained it was part of the dynamic, and that it makes him feel good to take care of me after and it gives him the opportunity to check in with me, it was hard not to swoon. He’s so much easier to deal with when he’s being a dick. I know what I’m getting and can handle myself. But when he’s almost . . . loving? I’m at a loss. Letting him comfort me after my nightmare last night was a weak moment that I won’t let myself repeat. I can’t let him find out that I lied to him and Sawyer. And even if I could get over that part, it would change everything.
Dallas would regret everything we’ve done, he’d look at me differently, and worst of all? He’d handle me with kid gloves. It took me years, and lots of therapy through college, to learn and accept that what happened to me was just that. Something tragic and awful that happened to me, through no fault of my own. Someone who was supposed to be my caretaker, my safe space, exploited me and took advantage of their position of power over me in the worst way possible. I wasn’t in control of what happened to me, but I am now, and I’ll be damned if I let that evil bastard claim any more power over me and my future. I don’t have a place for anyone who doesn’t support that. It’s bad enough that he still haunts my nightmares.
I know Dallas would look at me with pity, and he definitely wouldn’t go all Dom on me. Not that I’m planning to repeat anything that’s happened between us. But I’m positive he would recoil from me quickly, and I can’t possibly survive that. Not after how he made me feel over the last few days. Which I still don’t understand.
I take the turn for Main Street and I’m sure Dallas assumes I live on the other side of town. I drive past Rogue, refusing to let him know that I live in a rented studio above a tattoo shop, and instead pull into the only empty spot in front of Bean Haven. I turn off my car and climb out to see Dallas parked behind me, his arm resting on his rolled-down window.
“What do you think you’re doing, Blaire?”
“What’s it look like? Getting coffee. In case you don’t remember, I didn’t get to drink mine at your place.”
I swear to all things holy the man growls at me. Actually growls.
“Wait here for me. I’m going to park around back.”
“No! No. Absolutely not. I’m not going to walk into Bean Haven with you. Especially not in the morning. Please just go, Dallas. I’m good. I’m a big girl. I don’t need a knight in shining armor. I’ll see you at work.”
He drops his head in defeat and my heart stutters in my chest uncontrollably. When he meets my eyes again, he looks almost hurt. But this is Dallas we’re talking about here. That’s impossible. Right?
“Alright. Be safe. I’ll see you at work.”
I nod to him before he drives off. I pull my coat tighter around me, concealing the fact that I’m wearing the clothes I had on at the party, and walk into the warmth of Bean Haven. Hannah is working behind the counter with her little girl on her hip. The coffee shop has the cutest bohemian vibe, and it feels so welcoming. The walls are a creamy off-white, while one was left with the traditional brick that the building is made of. “Bean Haven” is painted in a gorgeous loopy font above the counter in the prettiest green. Live plants hang from the ceiling in some of the corners, while others are in huge wicker planter baskets that she’s draped Christmas lights over. There are four booths that line the wall across from the display case and register and one small table for two, where Ms. Nettie sits when it’s too cold for her to sit outside. I walk up to the display case, which is surprisingly already filled with Hannah’s mouthwatering creations.
“Morning, Hannah. Hi, little one.” Hannah’s three-year-old daughter, Charlotte jerks away from me, flipping her head the other way. Hannah bounces her on her hip and rubs her back.
“Don’t mind her, she is so grumpy today. I had no one to watch her this morning so she’s been up since four with me so I could bake.”
“Oh, Hannah, that’s so hard. That’s an early morning. Hopefully she’ll nap for you?”
“I can only hope. How are things with you? Survived the snowstorm I see. You look good.”
I know my cheeks pinken when I realize that I must have that “freshly fucked” look going on, and I’m suddenly very conscious of the fact that I’m not wearing any panties. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to replicate the kind of sexual chemistry I found with Dallas. It has to be that once-in-a-lifetime kind of thing.
“I did. I love winter, and the break from life was pretty perfect. You guys do okay?”
“Oh yeah, we’re good over here. I agree, the break was nice. You settling in and finding your groove here?” she asks. She’s so damn sweet and genuinely seems interested in getting to know me.
“I am. I really love it here. Who wouldn’t fall in love with this area? It’s perfect.”
“Aaaand what about a certain Cole Barnes?” she says with a wink, and I bristle, unsure how to answer. I don’t want anyone to think something is there that isn’t, but at the same time, there is no part of me that wants the town to know I just spent the last three days locked up fucking my boss at his home. Lucky for me, the door opens and the bell above it rings. Hannah and I both turn toward the door to see Liam stomping his feet clean of the snow caked to his boots.
He walks in, eyes focused on Hannah and Charlie.
“Hey, beauty. I’m sorry I wasn’t here. I had to get everyone plowed out. She make it hard on you?”
“You know her better than to ask.”
“Hi, peanut. Have you been good for Mama?” I watch as Charlotte reaches her hands out to Liam and he scoops her into his large arms. She snuggles into him, wrapping her arms around his neck, happy and content.
“I’ll take her upstairs and get her back to sleep. See you at work tomorrow, Blaire?”
“Absolutely.”
Liam takes Charlotte into the back, and I can’t help but give Hannah that look.
“What?” she asks innocently.
“Tell me to shut up if I’m overstepping, but you two aren’t . . .” I wave my hand around in front of me hoping she puts together what I’m asking.
“Me and Liam? No, never.”
“Really? You guys are so comfortable together. Did he call you ‘beauty?’”
“That comes from being best friends since we were Charlie’s age. Literally. Yes, he did,” she says with a laugh. “I was obsessed with Beauty and the Beast growing up and have been a lover of books for as long as I can remember. He’s been calling me that for just as long. He’s so good with Charlie, and I definitely need the help since I’ve only got my grandma. My sisters are always busy doing their own thing when they’re home. I swear they only show up around the holidays lately. Liam’s parents help a lot, too, but with his dad’s medical issues, I try not to lean on them too much.”
“I get that. Are your parents not in the picture?”
“Oh, they are. They’re great. But they’re snowbirds. They live in San Diego from early October through April. They hate winter. Seasonal depression is real for my mom, so my dad whisks her away to the sun.”
“God, could you imagine? What a life.”
“What about yours? How do they feel about you living away?”
I try to keep my features casual and inwardly cringe. I was so lost in the easy flow of conversation that I inadvertently opened myself up to get-to-know-you questions. Idiot.
“You know, they really don’t mind at all. I’m so happy to be here, so that’s really all that matters,” I say with the confident smile I’ve perfected.
“Good for you, Blaire. Live your life, baby! Now, what can I get you?”
I take my warm chocolate croissant and coffee to go and head back into the winter chill. Deciding it’s just easier to walk, I leave my car parked in front of Bean Haven and walk the two blocks down the street to Rogue. The silence and emptiness of my studio is a stark contrast to being at Dallas’ the last three days.
After I devour the warm, perfectly flakey croissant, licking the chocolate from my fingers, I connect my dead phone to its charger and decide a long shower is needed to help get my head straight. Then, with nothing to do the rest of the day, I’m left with my thoughts and sketchpad.
The last three days spiraled out of control so quickly. It was the most fun and easy three days of my entire life, so naturally, it would end in a shitshow. I mentally admonish myself.
Sex has always been a difficult experience for me because of my history of sexual abuse. The few encounters I had before Dallas were short-lived. I need to be in control. We have to be in my environment, and I have firm limits. What man wants a woman who flinches when you’re more dominant than she is? But with Dallas? My body handed everything over to him like it was the easiest thing in the world.
I lean my head back into the spray and let the hot water cascade over my body. The heat triggers goosebumps and Dallas’ phantom touch. Grabbing my soap, I run my hand over my body, noticing every hickey, bite mark, and finger bruise Dallas left on me. My hands trace over my skin, realizing that there isn’t anywhere that Dallas hasn’t touched with his hands, mouth, or dick. My heart starts to quicken in my chest, my breathing increasing. I close my eyes and lean further into the water, letting it wash away the reminders of him and everything we did. I have to let this go.
I’d be okay if it weren’t for him seeing one of my nightmares. It had to end there anyway, so it shouldn’t matter if he saw me in such a vulnerable state. But it was the way my heart soared in fulfillment when he enveloped me in his arms, the way he comforted and protected me while I slept. That can’t happen. I let him get too close, and if he’s too close he’ll know the truth. What would that mean for me? My job? My new life in Aspen Ridge? No. I can’t let that happen, no matter how incredibly life-changing the last few days were with him. It’s over. It has to be. I want it to be.