Chapter 26
I prayedhe wouldn’t do this. Not because he’s forcing me to do something I don’t want to. It’s the opposite. My resolve to keep our relationship platonic has been hanging by a thread. I knew I could never withstand the temptation if he pushed the issue. His ability to take control is too alluring. Too thorough.
A commanding energy seethes inside him beneath the surface. He doesn’t wield it unnecessarily, but when he does choose to exercise his dominance, his confidence is absolute.
The mark of a true alpha.
My knees crash to the floor. I have to swallow to draw moisture back into my mouth. No question where it’s all gone. My panties are suddenly soaked.
I free his swollen cock from his pants. It falls heavily into my trembling hand. I saw a brief glimpse of him before, but up close is another story. He’s thick. My fingers won’t go all the way around. So thick and heavy and hard. Bulging veins. And so velvety soft.
I have to run my hand slowly up and down his shaft to memorize the feel.
His hand cups my jaw, pinching my cheeks to coax my mouth open. “I appreciate your admiration, but I want your tongue more.” He brings his cock to my lips. “Show me how talented that pretty mouth can be.”
God, I love what his words do to me.
I flatten my tongue and lean forward, taking him in my mouth and circling my tongue around his head.
“Fuck, that’s it.” His guttural moan makes my heart soar. I want to make him feel good, especially after causing so much frustration. I’m not sorry for trying to protect myself these past few days, but I haven’t enjoyed pushing him away either.
Each lick I lavish upon him is an attempt to soothe the hurt. And when I take him into the back of my throat until tears burn my eyes, I’m trying to tell him how desperately I want him. How he gives me the freedom to let go without worrying about the consequences.
He gives me no choice but to simply be his.
No proving myself or worrying about how I’ll be perceived. I know Renzo respects me. I know he wants me. And if our circumstances were different, I’d throw myself wholeheartedly into making him mine.
Instead, I’ll have to settle for the time we have here within these cabin walls and worry about the fallout later.
I take him deep and moan my delight.
Renzo hisses. “I should tan your ass for making me wait for this.”
In response, I take his balls in my hand and give them a tug.
“That’s it. I’m not going to last long. When I come, I want you to swallow every bit of it. Understood?”
I nod and flex my hips, desperately needing to alleviate the pressure in my aching clit. If I could even put a pillow between my thighs—something to rub against and give me the friction I need.
God, I need it. I need him.
I grip the base of his shaft and pump in tandem with my sucking, making sure to pop my lips over the rim of his head with each movement. His abs clench tight while he fists his hand in my hair. When the moment comes, he holds my head in place with his cock in the back of my throat, bellowing a curse as he shoots warm cum into my throat. I swallow repeatedly, making him flinch and moan with pleasure before releasing his grip on me so I can breathe easier.
I sit back on my heels and wipe my face as I watch him watch me. He eases his cock back in his pants, then holds his hand out to help me up. Once I’m on my feet, he sits in the chair I was previously occupying.
“Unzip your pants and drop them to your knees.”
I do as he says, far too entranced by his spell to question him. Not to mention, I’m desperately hoping he’ll make me come. My need is crippling at this point.
He cups my sex, and the relief of his touch has my eyes rolling back in my head. Only, his presence is fleeting. My eyes pop open in dismay.
“Look at this.” He holds his middle finger up for me to see. It’s coated in my milky cream and glossy arousal. “Don’t even try to pretend you didn’t love every second of that.”
He commands my attention with his gaze locked on mine while he sticks the entire finger in his mouth and sucks it clean.
My lungs empty of air in one fell whoosh.
Renzo stands, his face inches from mine. “I don’t know what you’ve got going on in that head of yours, but you’re wrong. We can play it this way if you want, or you can decide to grow up and talk about it. Your call.” He grabs his coat and disappears outside into the falling snow.
I’m left standing with my pants around my knees and my pride scattered across the floor.
How dare he be so fucking presumptive? How dare he judge me when he can’t possibly understand. He’s not in a position to lose anything. It’s not like he has to decide whether loving someone is worth losing everything he’s worked toward in his life. No one would ever expect him to step down as Mafia boss so I could keep working for my family. And if he’s still boss, where would that leave us? With me making all the sacrifices.
If I could screw around with him and not catch feelings, that would be great, but it’s not possible. Not with Renzo. I’m already inching down that slippery slope faster than I care to admit. If I make it all the way to the bottom, there will be nothing but heartbreak waiting for me because I’ll have to either walk away from my entire identity or give up the man I love. I can’t see any other outcomes from continuing down that path. And if I want to avoid finding myself in that unenviable situation, I have to change courses.
These thoughts have haunted me for days.
I know Renzo is frustrated. I know none of this is easy, especially out here, but he hasn’t even tried to see things from my perspective. Just because I want to be with him doesn’t mean it’s as simple as that. How could he possibly be oblivious to the impacts of such an obvious roadblock? It’s either that or all he wants is a physical relationship and doesn’t understand why something like that wouldn’t work for me. Either way, his impatience and failure to empathize burns through any guilt I might feel otherwise.
He’s not a mind reader, but I don’t think I’m under an obligation to explain my hesitancy.
I should explain. I should give in. I should, should, should.
What about him? Why shouldn’t the shoulds fall on his shoulders for once?
The roller coaster of emotions I’m riding has tears burning the backs of my eyes, and that pisses me off even more.
I knew he’d do this to me—carve out my insides and leave me a broken mess. I’m not there yet, but I see it happening like an out-of-body experience. I see myself careening toward a brick wall, and I’m powerless to stop myself.
The only thing I can think to do to mitigate damages is an abrupt about-face. I have to jump tracks and get myself going in a new direction. The opposite direction as Renzo.
If I pretend he doesn’t exist, I can’t fall in love with him … any more than I already have.
I have to shut him out and get control of my heart again.
The thought alone sends a searing stab of pain through my chest. I collapse into the chair and let the sobs take over. Silent heaving sobs of loss and frustration built up from years of intense discipline. The funny thing is, I’m not entirely sure if the loss of Renzo or myself shakes me the most. Either way, I’m adrift.
I give myself a handful of minutes to bleed the emotions dry before wiping the salt from my cheeks and securing an impenetrable barrier around me. Not only between me and the outside world. I erect a reinforced barrier separating me from my emotions. If I can’t trust that part of me, I’ll have to lock it away until the threat is no longer present.
I don’t like the emptiness. It feels foreign and cold, but I know it’s the best way to protect myself.
When Renzo finally returns, I can sense his scrutiny.
I feel his wary gaze following my movements. Studying. Calculating. I sense him, and I don’t care. His curiosity or concern is irrelevant to me. His existence is inconsequential aside from his role in aiding my survival.
The numbness would be a relief if I was open to feeling anything. But I’m not.
All I feel are facts.
His body against mine while we sleep. I am warm.
His presence on a walk to the creek. I am not alone.
My emotions are not part of the equation, and I don’t allow myself to waste energy dwelling on his thoughts and feelings because they are as irrelevant as he is.