8. Tammy
8
TAMMY
I can’t stop thinking about last night. About Saxon.
The way he held me. The way he kissed me. The wonderful things he whispered into my ear that I never thought I would be ready to hear.
I told him I loved him, and he said it back.
I told him about my past, and he accepted it.
He accepted me .
And now, it’s like I’m living in a dream. Everything feels too good to be true. This gorgeous, tough, rough-riding man who could get any girl he wants says he loves me? How did I end up so lucky?
My heart aches in such a wonderful way. And not just my heart, my body as well. But that’s no surprise considering how hungrily Saxon took me last night. Three times before falling asleep on me, his body’s warmth pressed against me like I had my arms wrapped around the engine of his bike.
He’s a dangerous man, there’s no doubt about that. But I’m starting to understand him now–the things that fuel the strength and dominance so cemented into his being. When he looks at me, I feel protected. I feel safe.
But even as I lie in bed, staring blankly up at the ceiling, the outside world starts to creep into my apartment, invading the little sanctuary Saxon and I have begun to forge for ourselves.
He left early this morning after waking me up by sliding his cock inside me. I guess he’s got some club business to attend to, but he said he would call me after. And despite the fact that I’m still glowing inside, still tingling, still feel like I’m floating on a giant pink cloud–the weight of the everything outside the security of our relationship starts to sink down on me again, reminding me of just how fragile I am.
I think about how I told him about my father. How he would break me down, piece by piece, until I was exhausted and ready to collapse. I think about how Saxon’s eyes softened when I showed him the scars my dad left on me. But then I remember how I felt when he showed me his. A collection obtained from a lifetime of living life as an outlaw.
Trauma bonding. Is that what we’re doing? What we did?
We’re building a life together, but the world out there is still harsh. Still unforgiving. And as hard as I try, I still can’t get that damn bitch Roxy out of my head.
Something about the way she talks, the way she struts, the way she looks at me like I’m beneath her…it just doesn’t sit right with me. But Saxon told me not to think about her, so I’m trying my best not to. He told me I belonged to him, and he wouldn’t lie to me. He wouldn’t hurt me.
I trust him.
I’d love to lie in bed all day, but I’ve got a shift at Jayne’s in a couple of hours. So I force myself out of bed, take a shower, and throw on just enough makeup so I don’t look like a zombie. I’m going to have bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios, but I notice an orange juice and a cardboard to-go box on the counter with a note:
Hope you like egg and cheese -Saxon
My heart warms, and I smile as I open the box and see an egg and cheese breakfast sandwich from the deli down the street. A sigh of contentment slowly drifts out from my lips as I smile, feeling myself blush.
Could this man be more perfect?
I grab the juice and the sandwich and rush out the door. I’m already running behind and am stuffing my face as I drive to work. By the time I pull up in the lot behind Jayne’s, it’s 10:57, three minutes before I’m supposed to clock in.
“Phew,” I mutter as I slip in the back door. “Made it.”
The familiar scents of smoke and stale beer really don’t mix well with my breakfast sandwich, so I stuff the remainder in my mouth and wash it down with my drink. I’m greeted with the low murmur of non-enthusiastic, midday chit-chat and make my way behind the bar, where George is glancing at something on his phone.
“How’s things?” I ask. His only reply is a shrug as he grimaces down at his screen. I don’t even want to know what he’s doing on that thing. Somehow, there are already a bunch of unwashed glasses in the sink, so I grab the soap and a rag and get to work. I barely get through the first two when the front door swings open.
Great. Customers.
I glance up, hoping it will at least be somebody I know and who is friendly and easy, and that’s when I freeze.
Roxy.
I see her standing in the doorway, scanning the room with her eyes like a hawk, as if she’s searching for something. Someone . As she steps inside, I notice her usual confident stride is a bit off. A bit different. She’s calmer. More deliberate as she walks through the bar.
I swallow hard and lower my gaze, looking back at what I’m doing. But I can tell by the sound of her heels that she’s headed right for me. There’s no doubt in my mind that she’s here to start trouble.
Christ, Saxon, why can’t you be here with me now?
“Tammy,” she says, her voice soaked in that overly-sweet, fake tone, laced with something nasty underneath that I can’t quite put my finger on. “You and I need to talk.”
The hairs on the back of my neck stand up like I’m being pursued by a predator. My heart rate quickens, and I keep my eyes on the bartop. “I think I’d rather not.”
She steps closer, her heels clicking against the floor as she leans up against the bar. “It’s about Saxon.”
My heart skips a beat. Goosebumps break out over my body. My hand tightens on the rag, wringing out water all over the napkin holder.
This can’t be good.
I force myself to meet her gaze–her eyes filled with some kind of agenda I can’t decipher. Why is this happening? Can’t I just be happy for once?
“What about him?” I ask. I don’t really want to know. I just want things to keep going on as they’ve been going. Sure, we’ve hit a few patches of rough water here and there, but from now on, I can see things being just smooth sailing between him and me.
For the first time ever, I see hesitance in Roxy, like she’s having a hard time bringing herself to say whatever it is she came here for. She exhales and lets her hair fall in front of her face. “Look, Tammy. I thought very carefully about this before coming here, okay?” She pauses, her eyes unfocused like she’s choosing her next words carefully. “I don’t want you to get hurt, but you deserve to know the truth about what’s been going on.”
My pulse starts to race, pounding heavily in my ears. “The truth?” I ask, trying not to sound too confrontational. “The truth about what, Roxy?”
“I just–I want you to know that I’m here to help you–”
“Just spit it out, would you?” I snap, my voice almost frantic, trembling as I fight to control it. Jesus, that was bitchy. But Roxy has me right on the edge. I’ve been trying to put her out of my mind all morning, and now here she is, at my work, ready to spill some tea on the man I’m hopelessly in love with.
Maybe I’m imagining it, but it seems like when she pulls out her phone, she does so with a bit of a flourish. She unlocks it slowly, her eyes on me. “Saxon and I,” she says, her voice low and filled with intent. “We’ve been… seeing each other, Tammy. Despite what he says about us being broken up. And I just thought you should know before you really fall in love with him.”
My stomach tightens, and I blink several times, feeling stunned. Did I just hear her right? “What?” I ask, a lump in my throat. I feel like I’m about to puke. “You’re lying. You haven’t been seeing each other.”
Roxy shakes her head, her lips twisting into a gentle smile, like she feels bad for me. Like she pities me.
“I wish I was, sweetie.” Shaking her head, she taps a red-nailed finger on her phone, and before I can even process what’s going on, a barrage of text messages fills the screen.
Saxon’s name at the top.
His actual number below…
I miss you, babe. I’m so goddamn horny for you right now. Am I still seeing you tonight?
A crack forms in my heart.
You’re not with Tammy tonight? Roxy’s reply hits me like a barb of thorns dragged across my chest.
What is happening?
Don’t worry about Tammy. Once she’s asleep, it’ll be just you and me.
Roxy holds the phone steady as my eyes scan the rest of the messages, and as my eyes take in each one, a steady sense of despair and betrayal rises up within. “This has been going on for months, Tammy,” she says softly. Is that actual compassion in her voice I hear? Or is she just faking it? “We were really close, but then he began to pull away. I knew he was seeing other women, but Saxon’s the kind of guy you just can’t seem to pull yourself away from, ya know?”
My head nods for itself, as if on autopilot.
“I’m sorry,” she continues. “I just thought you should know before–”
“It can’t be…” I mutter. My entire body is trembling now. This can’t be real. This can’t be happening. There’s no way Saxon would betray me. Lie to me.
I trust him.
I…trusted him…
Roxy swipes her screen, and another set of messages appears, this time with a picture attached. Saxon with his arm draped around Roxy’s shoulders, holding her tight, holding out the camera for a selfie. They’re both laughing and looking way too comfortable together. And the setting…
When I see it, my heart stops.
The lake. They’re at the lake together.
“I’ve never brought anyone here. Not a single damn soul, let alone a girl.” That’s what he said to me. Those were his exact words. I remember because it was the beginning of my trust starting to grow for him.
“You see?” Roxy asks, her eyes narrow and chilled. “He’s a player, Tammy. He’s been playing us both. You think he’s this great guy with a heart of gold. You think he loves you, but he doesn’t. You’re just another notch on his belt, just like I am. And we’re not the only ones, Tammy. He’s been using us both this entire time. He lied to me. He lied to you .”
I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes as a cold despair settles into my heart. My gaze seems to vignette around that image. His words–his lies–echo through my brain.
I’ve never felt so stupid in my life. At least when I was living at home with my dad, I knew what I was being subjected to. But this–this backhanded deception…that’s something else.
My hands are shaking, my breaths chattering in shallow gasps. My pulse thuds in the base of my skull, and I’m absolutely sure I’m going to throw up now.
I spin and vomit onto the floor, gasping for breath as George curses in disgust from somewhere to my side. “Oh, Tammy,” Roxy says gently, placing a hand on my back. “I hate to see you go through this, but you need to hear the truth. You deserve to know who Saxon truly is. He’s just another scumbag biker boy. He’s not capable of loving you the way you need.”
Her words are not helping.
They twist inside me, stinging like a cancer.
My stomach heaves as I vomit again, tears pouring from my eyes onto the filthy floor of the bar. I can barely breathe. It’s like I’m suffocating, drowning in my own panic and despair. The whole world is a blur, spinning around me, giving me nothing to hold on to.
“We can help each other–” Roxy starts to say, but I can’t take it anymore. I dart out the door into the back parking lot, gasping for air, on the verge of a full-blown panic attack.
I want to race back in there and scream my lungs out at her. Pound my fists into her face, but that wouldn’t solve anything. I’d just be taking out my anger on her, when I really feel like hurting Saxon.
But how am I supposed to do that?
It’s not like he actually cares about me.
He probably didn’t even have business to attend to at the clubhouse this morning. He was probably just off with another one of his girls, whispering tried-and-true dirty talk in her ear that he’s used countless times.
I feel like the wind’s been knocked out of me. The pain I’m feeling now is unbearable. I opened up to him about my past. I let him in. And all he did was lie and betray me. Use me like I meant nothing to him. Pretending to love me while just stringing me along for his own fun and games.
I’m a fool.
I have to get out of here.
Somehow, I manage to get back in my car. My legs are shaking like Jell-O as I hit the gas and pull out onto the road. My heart is breaking with every moment that passes.
I stop at my apartment for less than five minutes, just enough to collect the essentials. And then I’m out the door and back in the car.
I don’t know where I’m going. But I’ve left my life behind and started over once before. I can do it again.
I can’t stay in this town.
I can’t stay near Saxon.
I’ll start fresh again. I’ll disappear.
And as much as it hurts, I’ll never, ever look back.