Chapter 37 #2
I took a sip of tea and thought it over. My mother knew me too well. She watched me, and before I could even speak, she raised a brow at me. “Don’t bullshit me, son. If you can’t be honest with me, then you won’t be honest with yourself.”
I blew out a breath. “She told me that she loved me, and I wanted to say it back but I couldn’t.”
“Do you love her?”
I rolled my eyes. “Of course I do. I love her so fucking much I can’t see straight. But telling her—telling her is a different story.”
“Why?”
I groaned. “If I knew, I’d fucking tell you and her. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”
“Relax, sweetheart. When you love someone, you do whatever you need to do to make it right. But you need to figure this out. What did you say when she told you that she loved you?”
I wasn’t about to tell my mom that it happened while we were having sex.
I’d leave that little detail out. I’d known that Emilia had wanted to say it many times.
I’d felt it. Hell, I’d wanted to say it, too.
And she’d done it at a time that didn’t demand a response.
She probably did it for my sake, so it wouldn’t be uncomfortable to me.
I was a piece of shit for not saying it back to her.
“I didn’t say anything,” I admitted, mortified as the words left my mouth. “And then she talked about Lulu and Henley and all their wedding plans, and I knew what I’ve known all along.”
“And what’s that?”
“That she deserves a fucking man who can say those words back to her. That she deserves a man who will give her the fairy tale, the one that I know she wants. So yeah, I thought I was being the bigger person. I was trying to make her dreams come true and set her free from me.” I tossed my hands in the air in frustration. “And now I’m the asshole.”
She didn’t disagree.
Thanks, Mom.
“Did she tell you she was unhappy with how things were going?” she asked.
“No.”
“Did she tell you that she wanted a fairy tale? Or that she wanted to move to New York and design a hotel?”
I rolled my eyes. She was clearly making a point. “No and no.”
She blew out a breath. “I love you, Bridger. But I’m going to be straight with you.”
“That’s why I’m here.”
“You are your own worst enemy. You made all of these assumptions, and it was all based on one thing.” She reached for my hand and squeezed it. “Fear. You’re terrified of how much you love her.”
“Agreed. You know it. Emilia knows it. And I know it. I’m a fucking coward.”
“That’s up to you, son. A coward doesn’t learn from his mistakes. You’re better than that.” A tear streaked down her face. “You’ve had so much loss in your life, and it’s understandable that you’re hesitant.”
“Pfffttt… really? You think?”
“What is it that you’re so afraid of? Are you afraid to be married? To start a family? To be a father?”
“Look at my track record, for fuck’s sake.”
“What is your track record, exactly?”
“Shall we start with my biological parents?” I gaped at her, as if she should know this already.
“You can’t hold yourself responsible for what happened to your mother and father. You were a newborn baby! That’s not rational.”
I groaned. “I don’t think most people enter the world taking out their entire family. And then you and Dad adopt me, even knowing that I’m the reason for your own heartache. I did that to you. Do you not get it?”
She closed her eyes and shook her head. “You are the only reason that I survived that time in my life. Honey, I’ve told you that.
You have to believe me. My sister would have given her life ten times over for you.
She had a high-risk pregnancy and chose to move forward.
She knew the risks. And your father, bless him, because my heart still aches when I think of him.
But he was an addict, and that was his choice.
And he’s the one who should’ve felt badly for leaving you, not vice versa.
You were a baby. He was a grown man. And yes, he was grieving, but people grieve and they keep on living.
You are my shining star, Bridger Chadwick. The light after the dark.”
I sighed. I fucking hated talking about this shit. But I knew I had to deal with it if I wanted to make things right with Emilia. I had to tell her the truth. And get her back, because I wasn’t going to fucking lose this woman!
Mom continued with an arched brow, “Your leaving her hurt her even more. So this plan is very flawed, son.”
I blew out a labored breath, feeling the weight of what my actions had caused. “I really fucked up.”
“No relationship is perfect. We all make mistakes. But you own up to it and you make it right. She knows who you are, and she told you that she loves you. I think that’s all that matters.
” She took a sip of her tea. “Emilia doesn’t need a man who can tell her that he loves her.
She needs a man who can figure out why he can’t tell her the way he feels.
She needs a man who can ask her what she wants and then find their own version of the fairy tale together.
She needs a man who’s willing to share his fears and be honest with her.
But I can promise you one thing, Bridger. ”
“What?” I asked, my head pounding with the onset of a migraine now.
“Telling someone that you are terrified of how much you love them is not going to run them off. But not saying anything is the same thing as saying that you don’t care. So when you find someone that’s worth the risk—you take it. Or you’ll spend your entire life regretting it.”
Emilia Taylor was definitely worth the risk.
Mom pulled out her phone and sent a text message to someone, then stared down at her screen when it beeped shortly after with a response.
“My therapist… your ex-therapist, Debbie, will see you tomorrow morning at nine a.m.”
“Therapy?” I groaned, because she’d been pushing that on me for years. I saw Debbie in high school at my mother’s insistence, but after college, I didn’t feel the need to go back.
“You can’t fix this until you figure out why you did what you did.”
“I fucking hate therapy,” I grouched.
But I knew in my gut that I had to deal with this.
Because my fear had just cost me the woman I loved.
It was time to figure my shit out.
And that’s exactly what I intended to do.