Chapter 18 ZAYDEN
ZAYDEN
MY HEAD THUMPS WHEN my eyes open the next morning.
I’m already dreading what’s to come today, and the last thing I need is to add a hangover into the mix.
I’ve slowed my drinking down since being with Nora.
Being around her has made me feel a lot less alone in the world and drinking doesn’t seem like the answer to all my problems anymore, but we both let loose last night and now I’m suffering the consequences.
I’ve been debating my plans all week. To go to Mum’s and sort things out or not. I know I should and it’s been long enough, but then I think back to what happened and I get hurt and furious all over again. I still have nightmares of my stepfather’s fists pummelling my skin.
‘Good morning,’ a soft voice murmurs, pulling me from my thoughts.
‘Morning Vixen,’ I reply. ‘How’d you sleep?’
‘Like the dead,’ she admits with a sheepish smile. ‘Why did you let me have five cocktails?’
I shrug. ‘I’m a sucker for those pina coladas. If I was going down, I was dragging you with me.’
She giggles, tucking a brunette strand behind her ear. Light freckles dust her cheeks, and her eyes look ultra blue when the strips of light from between the blinds filter across them.
‘How are you feeling? You look like you have a lot on your mind.’
‘I’m just thinking about Mum and how much I don’t want to deal with any of this.’
‘I get it. It’s easier to bury your head in the sand sometimes.’
‘Doesn’t make it go away, unfortunately,’ I say with a wry smile.
Her gaze is soft and our legs are tangled together. Having her here grounds me. I know this is something I need to do.
‘It might be like a weight off your shoulders,’ she says. ‘I hope.’
‘Me too. Are you sure you’re fine here?’
‘Of course. I have writing to do.’ She cracks a smile. ‘I know it’s hard for your extroverted brain to understand, but leaving me on my own with my laptop and Kindle is one of the kindest things you can do to me. Never worry about me when you have other things to do.’
‘Okay,’ I say, matching her smile. She has to be the most relaxed, unproblematic person I’ve ever dated.
We get organised for the day and have some fruit that the owners of the Airbnb provided us. Stomping into my shoes, I backtrack to the lounge room and lean down, kissing her.
‘I’ll be back soon.’
‘Good luck,’ she says, squeezing my arm.
Dread accumulates in my gut as I make my way over to the house. The salty breeze of Bliss Bay reminds me of my childhood. I take the scenic route, driving by main beach. The golden sand is littered with sunbakers already. Everyone here surfs and swims, it’s just the norm.
A few short minutes later, I’m pulling into the driveway.
The house looks different. Brighter, with bigger plants occupying the garden at the front of the house.
The fence has a fresh coat of paint. The colour of the window trimming has changed.
The house looks good. Better than before. Fresher and more like Mum’s style.
I have hardly cut the engine when Mum appears on the porch, a look of shock registering on her face.
She stares in disbelief as I get out of the car.
Burying my hands into my pockets, I slowly walk towards her, surveying the house.
It’s not felt like my home for a long time, and it feels weird to be here.
Especially knowing that he isn’t anymore.
‘Zayden,’ she says, looking me up and down like she hasn’t seen me for years. It doesn’t feel like long ago that she showed up on my doorstep. ‘Hi.’
‘Hey,’ I reply.
‘You’re here,’ she states.
‘I am.’
I hover at the edge of the porch steps. She’s dressed in a faded shirt and a cardigan that hangs off her shoulder. Her hair is piled into a messy knot on the top of her head. There’s a coffee stain on her shirt, but she doesn’t look as tired as she did the last time I saw her.
‘Come in,’ she says, gesturing to the door and taking a step back.
I walk inside and pause, taking in how much has changed. The place is unrecognisable. It has a more cluttered, homey feel to it now. It didn’t need any changing, but I suppose Mum wanted a fresh start after everything.
‘Can I get you anything? Tea, coffee?’ she asks, and it’s weird to be treated like a guest, instead of her son.
‘Coffee, thanks.’
‘Almond milk okay?’ she asks.
I shrug. ‘That’s fine.’
She hurries around the kitchen and I continue staring around the room.
Not one single thing has remained the same.
It’s eerie. Like my childhood has been taken away from me.
Not that we lived here for that long, but it still feels like something is missing.
I do feel like I can breathe easier with the knowledge that my stepfather isn’t creeping around the place.
Collapsing onto the lounge, I drum my fingers on my thighs.
She returns after a minute, placing the coffee down on the small table beside me.
‘Cheers.’
She sits across from me, folding one leg over the other.
She has lines that follow her pinched mouth as her eyes dart over me, taking in just how many more tattoos I’ve gotten since I’ve moved out.
It must be killing her not to make a comment about them, since she did last time and it didn’t go over so well.
‘I didn’t expect to see you today,’ she says after a heavy silence.
She sits stiffly in her seat. I hate that our relationship has become like this.
I never expected it to become so fractured, but the entire situation was out of my control.
Anger flashes through me each time I look at her, but instead of seeing an enemy, I see another victim, and I’ve never seen her in that light before.
She may not be short, but her presence just seems …
small. I owe it to her to hear what she has to say.
‘I should have called.’
I don’t admit that I didn’t want to give her the heads up in case I woke up this morning and bailed on the idea. I honestly considered pulling out of the whole thing, but I know that wouldn’t help anything.
‘It’s fine,’ she says quickly. ‘You know you’re always welcome here.’
My jaw clenches. Lowering my gaze, I stare down at my cup, my anger simmering just below the surface of my consciousness.
I didn’t come here for a fight, or to release the anger I feel licking at my skin, but I can’t help being triggered when I’m around her.
She let me down, and I certainly did not feel welcome to be around her or this family after that.
‘I’m sorry, Zay,’ she murmurs, her voice thick with emotion.
Sincerity is etched across her face as she stares at me, pleading.
‘I’m so sorry about how it all happened and my behaviour towards you.
I did not feel safe enough to stand up for you and do the right thing. I wasn’t strong enough and I’m sorry.’
Something lodges in my throat and I stare hard at the coffee in my hand, trying to keep it together.
‘Why didn’t you believe me?’ I ask, jaw so tight, my words come out strained.
‘I do believe you.’
My eyes snap to hers. My fingers shake slightly, causing a bit of liquid to slosh over the side of the cup, but neither of us makes a move to do anything about it. My heart rate picks up, and I focus on breathing evenly as I stare into those painfully familiar eyes.
‘He did things to you, too,’ I state, not needing it to be a question.
The look in her eyes is all the confirmation I need, but she hesitantly nods.
‘Yes. He did.’ She inhales shakily. ‘He hurt me and threatened me. He controlled my finances and emotionally manipulated me constantly. He was a charming, wonderful man until we married, and then everything went downhill after that. I was in love. Naive. Let him have control over things I shouldn’t have.
I was not in a position to help you when you needed me the most. I will never forgive myself for that. ’
Placing the mug down, I press my elbows into my thighs as I bury my face into my hands, processing this information. I had been so self-absorbed in thinking about what she did to me, I never paused to think or understand why she might have done it.
‘We would have supported you. You had options.’
‘It’s not that simple,’ she says, looking pained. ‘I don’t expect you to ever understand, but it truly was not that simple.’
I’m not sure what to say, because I know what she means. I don’t understand. I can’t begin to put myself in her shoes. I’d like to think I’d never do what she did, but I don’t know everything.
I’m quiet for a few long moments, unsure what to say.
‘I can’t change anything about our past, and I will regret everything I did for the rest of my life, but I’m here now. I want to know you. I want to be in your life.’
The wall I’ve been building around me for years wavers.
I don’t know if I have the strength to hold it up anymore.
I’m always going to be angry about it, but it’s time to forgive.
Never forget, but it might be time to move on from it.
I owe it to my family to try. We are all that we have left, and life is too short not to make amends.
I’m sure I could have done more. Noticed how things were earlier. Somehow tried to help.
‘Okay,’ I eventually say.
‘Okay?’ she repeats.
I nod. She pushes to her feet and I slowly do the same, towering over her. She seems to be getting smaller each time I see her. She wraps her arms around me and clings to me tightly. I feel the wetness of tears soak through my shirt.
‘I love you so much, Zay,’ she whispers. ‘More than you will ever know.’
‘I love you, too, Mum.’
Nora is sprawled out on the back deck when I return.
She’s lying on her stomach, her dark waves falling down her back in ripples as she lies in the sun, her laptop in front of her as she types. I admire her for a moment.