Chapter 17
Now that I’ve spoken, I can’t stop. The seal is ripped wide open.
Finn’s thumbs stroke my heated cheeks, trying to swipe away the hot liquid that won’t stop pouring from my eyes.
He can’t keep up with the tears, and that only makes my embarrassment worse.
This is horrifying. Best friend or not, I’ve never, ever enjoyed anyone seeing me like this—so vulnerable and fragile when that’s not the person I am ninety-nine percent of the time.
Showing emotion doesn’t scare me. That’s not what I hide my hurt beneath a mountain of sassy comebacks and nonchalant shrugs.
It’s because I’m a woman in a world where men are still seen as superior.
Because I have a vagina, I will always be viewed as less than someone with a swinging piece of meat between their legs, both in the workplace and outside of it.
I have to work twice as hard as any man fighting for my position at the firm, Spencer specifically, and am not allowed to show a single person in my vicinity that I’m anything more than a focused, career-driven woman who won’t think twice before bringing the axe down.
One flinch at a board meeting can put doubt into whoever is paying me.
It can show them that I don’t have what it takes to win.
No matter my GPA, experience, age, or position, people will always underestimate me. While that gives me an advantage in the courtroom, it hurts me everywhere else.
Sure, Finn’s known me since long before I was accepted into law school, but I’ve been this way longer than that.
I put the most unrealistic expectations on myself in middle school and only increased their intensity in the years that followed.
Almost every single night was spent in my bedroom or the library studying, and on the off chance Finn got me outside, I always fought with my mind when it told me that he’d understand if I slipped away and went back.
In university, I convinced myself that working myself to the brink of utter exhaustion was just the cost of success and that once I graduated and found my dream job, I could finally ease off.
That was partially true. I have since relaxed a bit, but I’m learning that it hasn’t been as much as I’ve gaslighted myself into believing.
I’m still so young, but I can feel the walls closing in on me.
They’re skimming my fingers now. The air is thinning with every week that passes and I’m still here, stuck frozen in this moment of time where I’m alone and aching for some sort of intimacy.
A reward for how hard I’ve worked in the form of a sweaty night tangled in sheets or the hard, strong body of a proud man wrapped around me on my balcony while we overlook the ocean, soaking in each other’s presence.
I’m so close to having everything I’ve ever wanted with my career, but my life still feels so empty. Like I’m drifting in a dark blue sea all alone, shivering with no lighthouse in sight.
“You do not need to change yourself for anyone, Aubrey,” Finn declares, his voice hard, almost angry.
“Something has to give. I’m not willing to give up my job, so either I continue going the way I am and continue to push and shove every man who offers me a sliver of attention, or I try to figure out a way to change how I behave and the way I think.
I’m not confused about why I’m alone, Finn. I know exactly why.”
His hold becomes firmer, and for the briefest moment, I wonder if he might have welded his palms to my cheeks.
“The right person will love you exactly the way you are. Your personality isn’t the problem, sweetheart.
It’s them. The men you’re choosing are completely wrong for you.
It’s not a crime for you to have preferences and hard boundaries that you aren’t willing to settle on.
You’re successful, protective, loyal, and gorgeous in a way that will always intimidate those around you.
It’s not your fault if they can’t handle all of that. Someone will.”
My throat is sticky, keeping the words I want to say stuck in place.
I hold Finn’s grey-blue eyes and let a weighted breath escape, my shoulders rolling forward in relief.
Still, he doesn’t take his hands away. If anything, he shifts closer and drops a hand to my slouched shoulder, urging me into his chest.
The warm air seems to still as I go without a fight, letting the bat fall to the dirt with a muffled thunk.
Slowly, I press my face into the column of his throat and inhale as my damp eyes close.
His touch drifts to my nape and then down my spine, following the line of it until he reaches where most of my tension lies just above the band of my leggings.
The skin beneath his palm crackles, and I feel each static pulse ricochet through me on its way to my chest. My pulse skips too many times to be normal.
“No more fake dates or experiments,” he says firmly. “We’re done with that.”
I burrow closer to his warmth, unable to stop thinking about my actions before making them. His touch grows more confident the longer we stay like this, until suddenly, I’m being pulled tighter, completely against him. I suck in a sharp breath, my muscles melting at the heat moving between us.
We’ve hugged a thousand times before. Maybe even more than that.
This isn’t a regular hug. At least . . . it isn’t to me. The same way his kiss on the cheek at minigolf wasn’t, or the anger beneath my skin at the aquarium wasn’t.
There’s something very wrong with me. I’m too afraid to put a name on a potential diagnosis.
“What is your plan, then?” I ask, my words muffled a bit by his shirt.
I hear his swallow. “I’m going to find someone that I know you’ll approve of.”
“You make it sound so easy.”
“It will be. You’re under the impression that you need someone to teach you how to date, but you already know how.
The issue has never been you, Bree. It’s just the shitty men you’re choosing to waste your nights with.
I guarantee once you’re out with someone you’ll enjoy spending time with, you’ll actually have a good time. ”
The idea of that sours my stomach more than it excites me. It sounds easy enough, yet still wrong.
“What kind of guy is it that I’ve been looking for?” I ask too quickly.
The hand on my lower back eases off slightly.
I take that as a polite request to back off but gasp when Finn grumbles low in his throat and shakes his head against my temple.
His arm coils around my back, keeping me anchored in place as I flush all the way down to my toes.
A darker, dirtier burn sparks in my core, making my vision swim.
He smells so fucking good. Like smoke and spices with a subtle hint of something deeper, warmer. I curl my fingers into the back of his T-shirt, pulling ever so slightly.
Rasping his words against the back of my ear, his warm breath glides over the backs of my piercings.
“One who isn’t going to get offended by your blunt humour and who doesn’t see your success as a mark against his, but as a reason to be proud.
Someone who sees you as a prize and will stop at nothing to feel worthy of you. ”
“Worthy,” I echo in disbelief. “Expecting those things of any man is going to lead to nothing but disappointment.”
“Isn’t that how you see yourself, Aubrey? Because it should be.”
I roll my lips and grow almost loopy when they ghost across his skin. “I know what I’m worth. But it’s not wise to expect that same appreciation from others. It will only lead to disappointment.”
“That’s where you’re wrong. I guarantee every guy who’s ever passed you on the street has felt the force that is Aubrey Merrick.
You’ve just never gone out with one who can recognize who you are and what you deserve with the confidence of knowing that they could give it to you.
That’s what I’m going to help with, because you deserve that, Bree.
It kills me to hear you doubt yourself when I’ve spent the last twenty years watching you become who you are now and being so damn proud. ”
Emotion builds behind my eyes again. I force a soft laugh before sniffing and extracting myself from his hold.
I don’t get more than a few inches away before he’s pinning me in place with an open, warm stare.
Layer by layer, I let him slip inside my mind and search through the emotions I don’t know how to put into words.
It’s never been as scary letting Finn in as it is with everyone else. Maybe it’s how long we’ve been friends or the way he’s seldom judged me for anything in all our years of friendship. Either way, he’s always been the exception, and I don’t see that changing anytime soon.
“You’re trying to make up for your not-so-easy, easy first throw,” I tell him, slowly closing off my gaze.
His wink makes my toes curl in my sneakers. “You know me so well.”
“If you really think that you can find me someone good to go out with, then I’ll trust you.
But I’m only doing this one more time, Finn.
Then I guess I’ll have to hire someone or something.
It’s only a matter of time before Spencer slithers back into my office and pokes me about my supposed boyfriend.
I need something to be able to tell him. ”
Fucking Spencer.
It’s a miracle he hasn’t already been knocking down my office door and bugging me about my “boyfriend.” He’s got to smell the blood in the water by now.
“One last shot. If I can’t make it work, then you can bill me your fake boyfriend’s hourly fees.”
“How generous,” I deadpan, slipping free of him completely.
What’s really only a foot of space between us feels like a chasm. I itch to jump right back over it but refuse myself, knowing better than to give in to whatever is going on with me right now.
“I know. Now, get your perky ass back on home plate so we can play some ball.”
“We both know we couldn’t play an actual game to save our lives. When’s the last time you had to hit a ball?”
He scowls at me, but the glimmer of humour in his eyes ruins his facade. “Probably the same time you had to throw one.”
“Touché.”
Finn moves around me toward the mound, and I take the opportunity to shake my shoulders out, hoping it’ll cleanse my mind at the same time.
My hopes crash and go up in roaring orange flames when I twist and look at him again, like there aren’t a million other things to stare at around us.
I bend and snag the bat from the dirt before taking uneven steps to home plate.
Blinking repeatedly, I finally peel my eyes away and glare at the red dirt.
“Let’s get this over with. How many balls do I have to miss before we can leave?” I ask, lifting the bat over my shoulder.
“Ten sound good enough?”
I inhale and then force the air out of my lungs as I nod. “Fine.”
Finn smirks and gets into position. I stretch my fingers around the bat and debate knocking myself upside the head with it before the ball cuts through the air.
A crack shoots down the middle of the field as I manage to hit the ball. Finn’s whooped cheer cuts the tension, and then I’m laughing without the weight of what’s been on my mind. It’s free of worry and fear, and for right now, I’ll take it.
For now, everything is normal again.