Crossing Arizona (State of Us #2)

1. Xed

Chapter one

“ S tick your tongue out for me.”

As smoke swirls around my head, I lean back against the sectional cushions, parting my lips so that Devon can rub a powder-covered finger over my gums. He’s naked, pierced cock at full attention, standing between me and my roommate, Salem. She just snorted a line moments ago, but she’s been stoned all day, much like myself.

Her head rolls to the side, bright red hair a mess around her delicate features, and her gray eyes are glassy as she offers me her hand. “You okay?”

Nodding, I thread our fingers together as Devon kneels in front of her and dips his head between her spread thighs. She and I never used to be close. Not until last year, when everything changed. When my best friend and the love of my life left me behind, taking his daughter and my heart with him. The daughter that I helped raise.

Salem moved in after her own relationship failed, and we’ve been there for each other as friends. I’m not into her like Devon, who’s currently eating her out while tears track down her pale cheeks. He’s also five years older than us and her ex-boyfriend’s uncle .

But that’s not my business. She’s coping in her own way. So am I.

My gaze shifts, taking in the townhome I shared with Matty for four years, where we raised Hannah. It’s still decorated the same, each piece of furniture holding memories of my soul. The walls are still lined with every street sign we stole as kids, each one representing a different part of our story. As I raise the hookah nozzle to my mouth, inhaling deep, my eyes snag on the one that I’ve contemplated taking down thousands of times over the last year since he left me.

A yellow diamond-shaped sign with Duck Crossing emblazoned in thick black letters, followed by a silhouette of a momma duck and her ducklings.

The first one I stole for him.

The sign that made me realize I’d fallen in love with my best friend.

I should be celebrating today. If I were a good friend, I’d be stoked for Matt and the news he just dropped on me today like a nuclear bomb, but I’m not.

Instead, I’m mourning the life I lost—a life I clearly never deserved, despite what he used to tell me growing up.

Salem squeezes my hand as she comes, but when Devon moves over to suck me off, I glare at him. He lifts a pierced brow, running a hand through his hair, and I shove him off me before getting to my feet. I don’t want Dev like that, he’s just my dealer.

I want the one person I can’t have.

Devon switches places with Salem, and she tosses me a sad smile as she climbs onto his lap, knowing me enough by now to understand that I like my space. I’ve always been a loner at heart. The only one who ever climbed my near impenetrable wall and forced himself into my life is currently seven hundred miles away, preparing for his wedding to the woman who’s been the bane of our existence since high school.

As I approach the stairs, my eyes catch on that Duck Crossing sign again. The pit of resentment inside me grows as the memories break through the glass wall I’d tried to encase them in—moments from our first year in high school, when we were just barely fourteen years old.

“Run, Matty!”

Adrenaline pulses through my veins, a maniacal laugh bursting from my throat as I hop over a line of hedges, arms hugging the street sign I just stole to my chest. Heavy thuds land on the concrete behind me as Matt follows, but of course, the clumsy asshole trips. He’s always had big feet and no idea how to move them.

“Shit fuck!” He cries out as he hits the ground hard, and I spin around in time to watch him sit up with a wince, shaking out his white blond strands. Just as I help haul his big body up, red and blue lights flash, a spotlight sweeping the neighborhood for us.

Next thing I know, Matty tackles me to the ground, his broad chest pressing mine into the grass below the bushes in someone’s front yard. The sign is trapped between us, and I let out a wheeze. The scent of mint tickles my nostrils as his hot breath brushes over my ear.

“Shh,” he whispers, sky-blue eyes following the patrol car as it slowly passes us. Even though he’s making it hard to inhale, I settle into the earth beneath me, feeling his body like a weighted blanket, calming my storm. He waits until the cops have left the block before he speaks again. “Okay, they’re gone. What did you need to do so bad that you dragged me out here in the middle of the night?”

“It’s barely midnight,” I huff between shallow breaths. “Don’t be lame.”

“Oops, sorry.” Lifting off of me slightly, he grins crookedly. “It’s a school night, Xed. I have football practice in the morning.”

Flipping the sign around, I raise it between us, covering my face. “Happy birthday, Matty.”

He gasps softly, followed by a loud laugh that vibrates between us when his stomach flexes against mine. “Duck Crossing? Is this for me?”

“Duh.”

Why would it be for me? I don’t even like ducks, but they’re his favorite animal. As soon as I saw the sign near the park pond, I knew I had to get it for him.

“I love it.” He sets it down on the grass beside us before curling his fingers into my dark hair. “You think my parents would let me have one?”

“Yeah, no. Your mom nearly popped an artery when Jenna brought home that goldfish from the fair.”

He sighs resignedly, rolling off to flop onto the ground beside me. “My sister is an idiot. I told her she’d have to sneak it in, but she didn’t listen.”

“You think we could sneak in a duck?” I turn my head to look at him, sticking my thumbs through the holes in the sleeves of my shirt. “Keep it in your closet?”

“But then, where would you sleep?” He jokes, grinning again. The sight causes my chest to ache, and I glance away toward the stars .

“Probably in my own bed, like I should.” Even though the thought of going home tonight makes me nauseous.

“Hey, I was just messing around.” His face fills my vision as he moves over me again, thick brows pinched with worry.”You know I don’t mind sneaking you in every night.”

“Yeah?” I clear my throat, tracing his jawline with my eyes, unable to meet his gaze.

“Yeah. We take care of each other, remember? That’s the rule.” He pauses, pursing his lips. “But the closet would probably be better than waking up every day with your elbows in my face. Seriously, Xed, you take up a lot of room for someone so small.”

With a light shove, I push him away and fight a smile. “Shut up. I’m not sleeping in your closet with the spiders.”

“Fine, fine,” he laughs, cradling the sign I stole for him. “It’d be weird sleeping alone now since you’re always there.”

A knot forms in my stomach at his words, at the meaning between them, and I freeze as I watch him smile down at my gift. Like all his smiles, it’s crooked, thanks to a rogue softball when we were nine. This one, in particular, does something to me, though. It makes me feel things I can’t explain.

“Me too, Matty,” I murmur, pulling my sleeves down as we stand to head back home. “I’d miss sleeping next to you, too.”

Leaning my palm on the edge of the dresser in my room, I itch at the scars on my arm while I stare at myself in the mirror for a long time. Taking in my bloodshot gold-flecked eyes drowning in a sea of red. Dull strands of hair fall over one side of my scalp, unwashed and limp. Hollow cheeks. I can’t even remember the last time I was sober.

Behind my reflection, the bed I once shared with him mocks me, blankets twisted and sheets wrinkled. Empty and cold.

Twelve years of feeling his warmth beside me, and now I’m sleeping alone.

While he shares his life with someone else.