6. Xed
Chapter six
H eavy bass rattles my skull when we step into the club, spots forming in my vision from the sudden loss of light.
The place is dimly lit, bathed in red and purple neon lights that pulse faintly to the music. A glowing dance floor sits in the middle of the room, half-naked women dancing in private booths lining the walls. Immediately, I make a beeline for the bar, slapping a couple of twenties on the counter and asking the bartender to pour me a shot.
The hairs on my nape rise moments before heat warms my back, and I stiffen when Matty reaches around me with his card.
“Put it on my tab,” he says, his voice hot in my ear.
I step away from him, bumping into Christian, who throws his arm around my shoulders as he practically drools at the ladies on stage.
“Holy shit, I’m buying Arya a lap dance. You in, hermano ?”
“No.” Slamming a shot of vodka, I motion for another, swallowing that one down as well.
Christian snickers, patting my chest before pulling his girlfriend over to a table. Devon watches them go, his gaze dropping to Arya’s ass, and I roll my eyes as I take another shot.
This place is so far out of my element that it’s ridiculous.
Dev turns toward me after I snort, lip piercings glinting when he grins. “Dance with me?”
Fuck no. I plan on holding this stool down and getting wasted.
When I open my mouth to say that, though, Matty scoffs incredulously.
“Xed doesn’t dance,” he bites out, close enough that our feet are touching, and I whip my head around to glare at him.
“How the fuck would you know?”
He reels back at my tone, eyes widening with hurt. He doesn’t respond because why would he?
He doesn’t fucking know me. Not anymore.
Downing another shot, I wipe my mouth before dragging Devon onto the crowded dance floor to prove my point. He wraps himself around my waist, palms sliding down to cup my ass when our chests meet, and I pinch him hard when I lock my fingers around his neck.
“Fucking watch it,” I mutter low in his ear.
Dev huffs a laugh, grinding against me. “You wanted to put on a show. I’m just playing my part, and you’ve got a cute little ass.”
He squeezes my cheeks for emphasis, and I stomp on his toes as we sway, making him grunt.
“The next feel you cop gets a knee to the nuts.”
“You think that’ll deter me?” Laughing darkly, Devon plays it up, spinning me around to grind his thickening dick into my crease. “Pain only turns me on, Xeddy bear.”
I swear to God, I’m going to kill him.
Through the smoky haze, my eyes lock onto Matty as he watches us near the bar. His arms cross, jaw working like he’s grinding his teeth. When our gazes lock, his narrows, an unspoken conversation passing between us .
What do you think you’re doing?
Whatever the fuck I want.
This isn’t you.
Like you would know.
His attention slides away, guilt flickering on his features, and instead of feeling satisfied, I just feel sick. Tyson taps him on the shoulder, shouting something I can’t hear, and the two take off toward the stage together. Turning his back on me. Like always.
“You know,” Devon whispers, still grinding on me, “I can help take your mind off him.”
My head falls back against his shoulder, my burning eyes on the ceiling as he slips his hands beneath my shirt. “Yeah?”
“Yeah.” His lips trail down my neck, tongue flicking out to taste the sweat on my skin. “I can make you feel so good. You know I can.”
Fuck, and I need it. The alcohol isn’t doing what it’s supposed to, but I promised myself I’d be good. Just for the week, just while I’m around her.
I can do it. I can be strong.
When Dev’s finger brushes my nipple, I exhale sharply and push him off, fighting my way back to the bar. The woman behind the counter raises a penciled brow at me when I ask for three more shots, but other than that, she doesn’t comment as she lines them up. One after the other, I swallow them down, feeling nausea roil in my stomach.
I can do this. I can get through this week sober, force a smile on my face, pretend like I’m fucking happy if I get to spend time with—
“Maybe you should slow down.”
Matty’s voice cuts through my swirling thoughts, making me choke on my drink. Coughing into my arm, I scowl at him as my blood runs hot.
“Maybe you should shut up.”
His expression hardens. “Nice.”
Scoffing, I down another shot, keeping my eyes locked on his sky-blue ones. “What’s with the fucking beard? You look ridiculous.”
He really doesn’t. Could shave his head and tattoo his eyeballs, I wouldn’t give a shit. I’d still be hopelessly in love with him.
“Valerie wanted it for the wedding,” he mumbles, jaw tightening. “You really should lighten up on the shots, Xed.”
“Isn’t this supposed to be a party? Your party? Why are you being so fucking lame?”
He looks away, shoulders tensing as he tugs on his white-blond strands. “I don’t drink much anymore. Valerie won’t let me, plus between football and Hannah, there’s no time.”
The mention of the daughter we raised hits like a kick to the teeth, vodka burning in my throat when I take another shot. A fresh wave of pain slashes through my already tattered heart, making me flinch.
I can do this. I can do this.
Matty’s eyes soften when he notices my reaction, reaching out to grab my hand. “She misses you so much, Xed. She’s been chatting Valerie’s ear off about how excited she is to see you—"
Recoiling, I jump away from his touch as if it burns. The phone in my pocket starts to buzz again, and I pull it out to ignore the call from Pearl’s nursing home for the hundredth time, feeling sick.
Matty tries to reach for me again, concern etched on his features, but I can’t .
I can’t. I can’t do this.
Pressure starts to build in my head, and I shoulder check him as I pass, heading for Devon with one goal in mind.
I’m sorry, Hannah.
He’s dancing with Christian, Arya sandwiched between them while they writhe in unison. Grabbing the back of his shirt, l haul him after me, pissing off the line of people waiting for the bathroom when I bypass them and slam the door shut.
“Damn, I love it when you manhandle me,” Dev chuckles as I shove him against the wall, reaching into his pockets for that little hidden baggie of bliss.
“I want to fucking forget. Make me forget.”
His fingers weave into my hair, caressing my scalp before he roughly yanks my head back, and I blink up at him with watery eyes.
Leaning forward, our breaths mingle when he bumps my nose with his own. “You know the price. Are you willing to pay it?”
God fucking dammit.
Dropping to my knees, I yank at his belt buckle with a growl, punching my knuckles into the wall next to his thigh.
A smirk tugs at his lips, something dark flickering on his face as he trails a hand down his chest, slowly pulling down his zipper. His other hand cups my jaw.
“You want this? You sure?”
No. I don’t fucking want this. I hate this.
“Yeah.” Licking my lips, I smack his hand away before pulling out his cock despite the bile rising in my throat. “Now shut up and choke me. Keep your fucking hands to yourself.”
“You say such sweet things.”
Ignoring him, I open my mouth, hating myself for every second of this, but I can’t fucking stop.
And why should I? What’s the point?
Who the fuck am I living for?
As Devon takes his payment, I let my tears flow freely, the punishing force of his thrusts against my tonsils making me gag. The only person I’ve ever done this with is getting married in a week, and I want to erase the memory from my brain. Burn it out, rip out my tongue to forget the way he tastes, melt my fingertips to the bone for touching anyone else other than him.
Hate simmers in my veins, making me grit my teeth, causing Dev to hiss and pick up his pace.
I wish Matty could see this. I wish he’d walk in here and see what I’ve become, what he’s reduced me to.
I wish he’d fucking save me.
But nobody cares. Nobody notices my downward spiral, my fall from grace.
My leap off the ledge.
And when I eventually hit rock bottom, nobody will be around to witness my soul splatter across the ground.