18. Xed
Chapter eighteen
W ords cannot describe how much I missed this little girl.
Thirteen months have passed since I’ve seen her face in person, and as she chatters contentedly in the seat next to me, I study her features. It’s wild how much she’s changed.
She’s a little taller now, which is no surprise because Matty’s a giant.
Two of her front teeth are missing, endearingly sweet when she grins. There’s also a scar under her chin from learning to ride a bike without training wheels.
I missed her fifth birthday party, her first dance competition, and will probably miss her first day of kindergarten in the fall. It fucking cuts me to my core. But having her here now, coloring away at some sheet the restaurant gave her while she keeps her arm linked with mine, it feels like a piece of my heart has just snapped back into place.
The other half, though…that’s a different story.
Glancing away from Hannah briefly, my gaze cuts to Matty at the end of the table. He seems distracted, staring down at his wontons unblinkingly while Valerie and Tyson laugh and prattle from either side of him. It feels wrong to be this far from him, to have all of our friends and family in between us. Even after a year, it’s like my body still believes its place is at his side.
But it’s not. I don’t think it ever was. He’s never felt farther than he does at this moment, five feet across the table of this overpriced Cantonese cafe, even when he was seven hundred miles away.
Matt’s dad, Wayne, draws my attention from over the paper lanterns adorning the table. “So, how’s the new apartment, Xed?”
Small as shit.
“Great,” I shrug, pushing my food around my plate. “Closer to work, so I usually run in the mornings. Sharing a bathroom with Salem sucks, though.”
“Rude.” She smacks me on the shoulder with narrowed eyes, and I raise my brows at her.
“Your hair gets everywhere. The next time I have to unclog the shower drain, I’ll puke.”
“Oh, stop. It’s not that bad.”
Christian snickers, throwing his arm over Arya’s shoulders. “Welcome to living with a girl, hombre . They shed like huskies.”
“You’re one to talk.” Taylor flings rice at his best friend. “You leave more hair around than she does. Swear you’re going bald.”
“Take that back right now.”
Matty’s head snaps up as if he just tuned into the conversation, and he frowns as he bounces his gaze between me and his parents. “Wait, new apartment? What’s going on?”
Everyone falls silent, besides Val and Tyson, who seem to be in their own world.
Clearing my throat, I shift uncomfortably in my seat. “We, uh, moved out of the townhome. Salem and me, I mean. Got our own place. ”
“And we miss you living there every day,” his mom groans, shaking her head. “The new tenants are horrible. They ruined the hardwood during their first week by putting dish soap in the dishwasher. Honestly, Xed, we wish you’d stayed–”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Matty demands, cutting off his mother, hurt written all over his face. “And why did you need to move? Is work going okay?”
Wayne grunts around a mouthful of chow mein. “We told you we could have worked something out if the rent was too much. You’re like a son to us, Xed.”
“Work is fine,” I grit through my teeth, forcing myself to stay calm for Hannah’s sake. “It wasn’t about the money, I just…” Needed to escape the memories. “Needed a change. And the apartment is also closer to Salem’s job, so it all works out.”
Win fucking win. Go us.
Jenna leans over Salem, squinting at me. “You told me that my brother knew the day we helped you move. What gives?”
“Yeah, what’s up with you two?” Taylor interjects, blue-green eyes bouncing between me and Matt. “Hiding shit from each other is a Huckslee and Logan move, not a Xed and Matty move.”
That earns him a shove from his boyfriend. “Fuck off.”
Sighing heavily, I gaze toward the lanterns hanging from the ceiling. “Can we move on with this rehearsal shit?”
“Uncle Fungus, no swearing,” Hannah chastises me, and a grin forms on my lips at the nickname she gave me from the movie Ice Age .
“Sorry, Creature.”
“Yeah, what happens at these things anyway?” Salem asks, glaring at Tyson and Val as they burst into laughter. “Do we, like, practice the wedding ceremony or something? ”
“Typically, we’re supposed to.” Barbie grimaces, not even trying to hide the distaste in her tone. “But it’s too hot out for the beach right now, so let’s just run through it here.”
“I still think we should’ve gotten married on a cruise to the Bahamas,” Val pouts, batting her fake lashes at Matty. He tears his gaze from me long enough to shoot her a blank look.
“I’ve only been with the Cardinals for a year,” he says, his voice flat. “In that time, I’ve bought a house, two cars because you crashed one, a brand new wardrobe, and had an in-ground pool installed in the backyard. Despite what you think, money doesn’t grow on trees, Val.”
One of Valerie’s bridesmaids chimes in with an eye roll. “I mean… she has a point. A destination wedding does seem more fitting for an NFL star.”
Tyson snorts. “ Star is laying it on a little thick. No offense, Albrecht, but you’re still a rookie.”
Matty’s face flushes bright red, his jaw tightening, and something snaps in me.
I’m on my feet before I even think about it, fists clenched as my voice cuts through the room. “First off, he’s hands down the best defenseman on your team, asshole. He was drafted for a reason. Show some fucking respect.”
“Yeah, man, seriously?” Taylor follows suit, standing with his palms on the table as he glares at the quarterback. “You’re supposed to be his teammate.”
The room goes still, all eyes darting between us and Tyson, who raises an eyebrow at me in amusement. “Relax, man. Just a joke.”
“It wasn’t funny,” I spit, glaring at him as Matty stands abruptly.
“Enough,” Matty says sharply, cutting off whatever retort Tyson was about to throw back. His eyes flick to me, a flash of something unreadable crossing his face before he turns to the group. “Right, so… Val and I will stand near the water. There’s supposed to be an arch of hydrangeas that the officiant will be waiting under.”
A shudder wracks my body at the mention of hydrangeas, my mind unwillingly yanked back to my Aunt Pearl’s garden. The only thing she ever cared about.
Val sighs heavily, her tone laced with annoyance. “Tyson will be next to him, and my maid of honor on the other side of me—"
“Wait, wait. What did you just say?” I cut her off, shaking my head like there’s something wrong with my ears. There must be because there’s no way she just said what I think she did.
Matty’s eyes snap to mine, a flicker of shame crossing them before he looks away. Tyson, on the other hand, smirks, sizing me up like he’s been waiting for this moment.
“She said I’ll be standing next to Matty since that’s where the best man goes,” he drawls, leaning back like he owns the whole goddamn restaurant.
The air in the room shifts. Everyone falls silent. Even the other patrons nearby seem to sense the tension, their conversations grinding to a halt as something painful and angry twists violently in my stomach.
My teeth grind together as I drop my gaze to the table, struggling to maintain my composure. Hannah’s small hand finds mine, her grip grounding me, and I force myself to breathe. To stay calm. For her.
But my friends? They don’t bother holding back.
“What the fuck, Matthew?!” Salem hisses, her sharp voice cutting through the quiet. Her teeth are bared, eyes blazing as she shoots daggers at him .
“This guy?” Taylor explodes, launching to his feet so fast his chair scrapes loudly against the floor. “Are you kidding me right now? This guy?”
Even Christian, usually the most level-headed, crosses his arms and shakes his head in disgust.
Wayne holds up his hands, his voice calm but firm. “Alright, everyone, let’s settle down—"
But the damage is done.
My head is spinning, Matty’s betrayal sinking in like a knife between my ribs. I can’t look at him. I can’t look at Tyson. The room is too loud and too still all at once, and all I can feel is Hannah’s tiny fingers squeezing mine, the only thing anchoring me to the moment.
“I’m sorry, but really, Matthew?” Taylor gestures wildly toward Tyson, who sits there inspecting his nails like he’s bored of the conversation. “You’ve known this guy, what, a year? As opposed to Xed, who’s been your ride-or-die for over a decade?”
“Tay, let it go,” Huckslee mutters, trying to tug him down into his seat, but Taylor shakes him off.
“No, that’s fucked up .“ He looks around the table, his voice rising with indignation. “Imagine if we got married, Huck, and I chose someone else to stand by my side instead of Christian. It’s not right. After everything Xed has done for Hannah—"
“Why would I choose Xed when he doesn’t even like the woman I’m marrying?”
Matty’s voice cuts through the room, uncharacteristically harsh. The force of his tone shocks everyone into silence—even Taylor—and my stomach twists painfully as I flinch back in my seat.
“When he completely cut me off over this last year because I chose to be with her?” Matty continues, his gaze flicking to me as something like pain flashes in his eyes. “At least Tyson supports this relationship.”
“ Matthew ,“ Jenna growls, but I can’t hear the rest of what she says.
The pounding in my head drowns it out, my pulse roaring in my ears as Matty’s words echo repeatedly.
Something inside me cracks, splitting me open so violently that I nearly choke on the shards. My chest aches fiercely, the kind of pain that doesn’t fade but carves into your bones, and I reach up, trying to rub away the sensation.
But it doesn’t stop.
The burns on my arms itch, phantom reminders of a past I can never escape. I scratch at them under my sleeves, the sting grounding me as Aunt Pearl’s voice slithers into my mind.
Such an ugly boy.
Useless.
Matty doesn’t even realize what he’s done, too wrapped up in defending the relationship I can’t support. Because it’s killing me to watch him settle for less than he deserves, to watch him fade into someone I barely recognize.
But then again, who am I to talk?
The voices at the table grow louder, overlapping in a cacophony of anger. It isn’t until the small hand squeezing mine becomes almost painful that I snap out of my spiraling thoughts.
Hannah’s tears spill over her lashes, her little lips trembling as she looks around the table, taking in all the shouting. My self-hatred dissipates instantly, replaced by a fierce protectiveness that drowns out everything else.
“Hey, come on. Let’s go outside. ”
Pushing to my feet, I scoop her into my arms, effectively silencing the table. The shouting cuts off as her small sobs fill the air. She buries her face into my neck, her body trembling against mine, and I barely catch the way Matty’s brows slam down in concern before I turn toward the exit.
“Where are you going?”
“Need some air,” I grit out, walking away without a backward glance.
The evening sun hits me hard when I step out into the parking lot, the heat lingering as it dips below the horizon. Sweat trickles down my back under the leather jacket, but I don’t care.
Leaning against the Benz, I shift her onto my hip, her little sniffles tearing me apart. “Don’t cry, Creetch. It’s alright.”
“I don’t like it when they fight,” she whispers, clinging tighter to my neck.
“When who fights?”
Her lip wobbles as she rubs at her eyes with balled-up fists. “Mommy and Daddy.”
I pause, frowning at her tear-streaked face. “Do they fight often?”
“Sometimes. Mommy yells a lot.”
A sharp pang shoots through my chest, stealing my breath. I wipe a thick glob of snot from her nose with my sleeve, pressing a kiss to her temple as my mind races.
Hannah doesn’t deserve this—none of it.
Before I can respond, footsteps approach from behind, and I turn to see Matty making his way over. He stops short when he catches my scowl, hesitating as he stuffs his hands into his pockets.
“Is she okay? ”
Hannah’s head pops up when she hears his voice, her eyes watering as she reaches for her father. The sight twists the knife in my chest, the ache almost unbearable. Reluctantly, I pass her over, remembering a time not so long ago when she would’ve clung to me instead.
He pats her back, murmuring softly as she tucks her face into his shoulder. I look away, swallowing hard against the lump in my throat. Several minutes pass in silence, broken only by the occasional sniffle from Hannah.
When I glance back, Matty is staring at me over the top of her head. Our gazes lock, and the air between us grows heavy for a fleeting second until he quickly looks away, licking his lips nervously.
“Look, about all that… I’m sorry—"
“Why?” I cut him off with a humorless laugh. “Don’t be sorry. You were just speaking the truth. Why would you choose me?”
“I…” He exhales slowly, closing his eyes with a pained expression. “I didn’t mean it like that.”
“No, I think you did. It’s cool, though. I wouldn’t choose me, either.”
“Xed, please.” He steps toward me, his free hand reaching out like he’s trying to bridge the gap between us.
Spinning on my heel, I cut him off before he can say anything else. “It’s fine, Matthew. Enjoy your rehearsal. I’m gonna go hang with Dev, but I’ll see you back at the house.”
I feel his eyes burning into the back of my skull, watching me go, but he doesn’t try to stop me. He doesn’t follow.
When I reach the curb, my composure is hanging on by a thread. My hands shake as I pull out my phone, the effort to keep myself together finally breaking as I swipe away missed calls from Pearl. A sob claws its way from my throat, tearing me apart from the inside out.
Just once in my life, I want to know what it feels like to have someone fight for me.