32. Xed
Chapter thirty-two
I may have fucked up.
Not just by shoving Taylor but because I was supposed to pack a few tents this morning—and I’d been too drunk to do it.
They’re still sitting on Tay and Christian’s front porch, exactly where I left them when I refilled my booze.
The good news is I remembered to pack two tents. The bad news? Christian and Arya get one to themselves while the rest of us are stuck sharing. And I’m out of liquor. Fuck.
As soon as we set up the campsite, everyone else took off to ride the dirt bikes and ATV we brought, leaving Logan, Matty, Arya, and me behind. It’s awkward as hell.
“Take some pics of me for my socials, Daddy Matty,” Arya giggles, handing him her phone before striking a pose in front of the trees near the log fence marking our site.
Of course, he complies because he’s too fucking nice. My teeth grind as I watch her bend over in her sports bra, ass pressed to a tree while she sticks a finger in her mouth.
What the hell kind of picture is that? Hashtag: trees make me horny? Jesus Christ .
Rolling my eyes, I slump lower into my camping chair, grateful for the shade. Logan starts messing with the firepit for some damn reason, and I scoff.
“It’s daytime, dumbass. We don’t need a fire yet.”
His ears turn red, creeping down his neck beneath the collar of his polo, and his honey-gold eyes flash when he glances up at me. “Salem said it’d be dark by the time they get back. It might get cold.”
I snort, unable to hold back. “You’re fuckin’ whipped. She dumped you, dude. Get over it.”
“Caring about someone isn’t being whipped,” he shoots back, his voice growing colder, and I glance at him sidelong.
“It is when they don’t care back. That’s just pathetic.”
Trust me, I’d fucking know.
Logan doesn’t respond, his jaw tightening before he jumps to his feet to gather more firewood, leaving me alone with the only two people on this trip I want to avoid at all costs.
As much as I try to ignore them, I can’t—not with Arya’s grating voice and Matty’s laugh cutting me to the bone. Like a goddamn magnet, my eyes are drawn to him, helpless to look away. He’s snapping photos of her, a smile playing on lips I have no claim to anymore. His biceps bunch under the sleeves of his shirt, glistening with sweat as his silvery strands glow in the sunlight.
I hate him. Fucking hate him.
Only I don’t.
“Let’s take a few more over here, Daddy,” Arya sings, grabbing his hand to drag him toward a thicket of bushes. My jaw clenches so hard I’m sure my teeth might crack.
“Stop calling him that,” I snarl, and both of them freeze, whipping their heads toward me .
Arya tilts her head, the brightness in her expression dimming as her lips pull into a pout. “Why? That’s what he is. A total Daddy.”
A gag threatens to overtake me, but I shove it down. “He doesn’t fucking like it, that’s why.”
Matty frowns, his brows pulling together in confusion as his eyes lock on mine. “It’s just a nickname, Xed. It’s fine.”
“Fine?” I repeat flatly. Something snaps inside me, anger bubbling over as I surge to my feet, throwing my arms wide. “Fine. Fine! Everything’s just fucking fine! ”
My shout ricochets off the trees, startling everyone. Logan freezes mid-step, arms full of sticks, blinking like a deer in headlights. Even the birds stop chirping, and I swear a cloud slides in front of the sun, plunging everything into shadow.
Matty gazes at me, lines appearing next to his mouth, blue eyes darkening. I know what he’s trying to do—I can feel it. He’s trying to speak to me silently, to say something on our shared connection, but that bond has been broken, and I can no longer fucking hear it.
So I turn away, shoving my hands into my pockets. “I need a walk,” I mutter, not caring if anyone hears.
Pulling out the pipe Taylor bought me, I light up, the sharp burn in my lungs a welcome distraction as I wander deeper into the woods.
And I walk for a long time. He doesn’t follow.
Everyone’s back when I return, crowded around a roaring fire, making s’mores. They’re laughing, chatting—picture-fucking-perfect. And all I can think is how much I wish I were higher.
Luckily, Arya gives me the perfect opportunity.
“Who’s ready to get this party started?” she grins, pulling a plastic bag full of mushroom caps out of her bra .
“Oh, hell yes.” I’m out of my chair instantly, reaching for the bag, but Taylor snatches it away before I can get my grubby hands on it.
“Nuh-uh, nope.” He wags a finger in my face, his blue-green eyes blazing. “You lost your party privilege by being a dick earlier. And I’m not about to babysit seven tripping assholes by myself. You and I aren’t taking any.”
I gape at him, lips curling in disbelief. “Who the fuck died and made you king?”
Christian throws his hand up from across the fire. “I did. My family’s property, my rules. And I’m not about to have anyone wandering off and getting eaten by bears or some shit. Two of us need to stay sober to watch.”
Logan’s head snaps up, melted marshmallow stuck to his cheek. “Did you say bears?”
“Why does it have to be me?” I growl in frustration. “Why can’t it be Matt?”
Salem rolls her eyes like I’ve just asked the dumbest question on the planet. “Matty and Huck are leaving soon. They deserve to let loose one last time before training camp.”
“And I don’t deserve to let loose?”
How is this fucking fair?
Taylor scoffs, passing the bag to everyone else. “You’ve let loose like every single day for a month. Give someone else a chance. If you wanna smoke, go for it.”
I drop into my chair, crossing my arms as I glare daggers at him. I’d smoke if I could, but I already used it all on my fucking walk. Sober again. Goddammit.
The others start popping caps, passing bottles of orange juice around while Huck stares at his bottle in confusion .
“OJ?”
Tay grins at that, the smug bastard. “Helps hide the bitterness and enhances the trip. You ever used magic mushrooms before?”
Logan murmurs a scared “no” while Huckslee nods.
“Once,” he says, turning the bottle in his hands. “A few summers ago, but we didn’t drink juice.”
Matty twists open his bottle, grimaces, and takes a long, healthy gulp. I watch the way his Adam’s apple bobs, remembering how it felt under my lips when I kissed his throat.
“The citric acid helps break down the psilocybin,” he explains, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, “so the effects hit sooner and harder.”
Salem chugs hers, the defiance in her eyes daring Logan to do the same. “Bottoms up.”
Christian claps Logan on the shoulder. “No one’s forcing you, hermano . If you don’t wanna do ’em, you can babysit with Tay.”
Oh, fuck yes.
“Please, please chicken out," I beg, sliding off my chair and dropping to my knees before him. “Come on, Logan. You’re a better man than this.”
Arya smacks her lips in annoyance. “You just want him to say no so you can take some yourself.”
No fucking shit.
“I never said I was a better man. And no one asked you," I snap back, standing up just as Christian shoves me on the shoulder, sending me sprawling to the ground.
“I’ve just about had it with your attitude,” he says, towering over me like he’s ready to throw down.
“What the hell, man?” Dusting dirt off my jacket, I climb back into my chair. “Don’t touch me. ”
“Then stop being a dick to my girlfriend.”
“Whatever.” I wave him off with a glare.
For a moment, everyone drifts into their own conversations, the fire crackling between us. Taylor’s staring at his stepbrother like a fucking creep, Christian’s murmuring something in Arya’s ear, and Matty’s turned away from me, telling Salem and Logan a story about Hannah. One I haven’t heard.
The sinking feeling in my stomach twists deeper.
Reaching under my sleeve, I scratch at my skin and stare into the flames, feeling like an outsider.
I used to belong here. He used to make sure I belonged. Now, I’m invisible. Unwelcome.
Pearl’s voice echoes in my head.
Useless.
Gago.
Lintik kayo.
Huck’s voice cuts through my spiraling thoughts.
“Why would I freak out?” he asks, and I glance up as he leans back in his chair. “I’ve done this before, remember?”
Taylor smirks. “With caps?”
“No… what’s the difference?”
Matty’s full-bodied laugh grates on my nerves like sandpaper. “Oooh, boy. You’re in for a wild night, man.”
Logan chews on his cheek anxiously. “What, why?”
I roll my eyes, sinking lower into my seat. “There’s a mass theory that the shroom caps are more potent than the stems, but it’s all bullshit, in my opinion. It’s all the same.”
“Agree to disagree,” Christian shakes his head, grinning like he knows better. “Stems just make me chill. Caps make me contemplate life and the existence of outer space and shit.”
“It’s all in your head, dude.”
Fuck, I wish I was tripping with them right now.
“I have an idea,” Arya announces suddenly, glaring at Tay and me when we groan. “Who wants to make this night even more fun?”
Scrubbing a hand down my face, I grit my teeth, trying to rein in my irritation. “We are not having an orgy, Arya. Not everyone wants to see you naked.”
“Well, they should.” Christian kisses her neck, earning an exaggerated eye roll from me. “I love showing her off.”
“That’s not what I meant,” she whines, but Taylor tosses her a scoff.
“Been there, done that. Literally. Hard pass.”
My eyes widen as we all gape at him, and the urge to laugh gets stuck in my throat. Taylor, the manwhore. He and Christian always share girls.
“You guys are such fucking dicks!” Arya shouts, hopping over the log fence before anyone can stop her.
Salem jumps up, too, throwing Taylor a withering glare. “Nice going, asshole.”
“Hey!” I shout after her, getting to my feet. “Salem, get back here.”
“Not cool, Tay,” Christian mutters, disappearing into the dark after the girls.
Just as I’m about to follow, Matty springs out of his chair and cuts me off, grinning wide.
“Every man for himself!” he laughs, bolting in the opposite direction. “Catch me if you can, fuckers!”
“Goddammit.” My feet move before my brain catches up, smashing through the foliage as I take off after him. His scream of delight grates on my nerves, sending fury coursing through my veins.
I’m out here dying , slowly fading into the ether, and he’s fucking playing games.
Matty moves fast, clambering through the woods, and if it weren’t for his big-ass feet, he might’ve actually had a chance. But I know him. Barely a few paces away from the campsite, he trips flat onto his face with a loud oomph , sending dirt flying into the air.
I come to a stop, watching as he rolls onto his back, a big, goofy smile stretched across his face. And it hurts.
Hurts more than anything in the entire world.
“Come lay with me, Ducky,” he whispers, holding his arms open. “Let me hold you.”
My stomach twists violently at how normal he sounds. How casual. Like he didn’t rip my heart out and grind it into dust.
Never in my life have I wanted to hurt my best friend more than I do at this moment.
“Do you actually think,” I spit, my voice dripping with venom, “that I would ever let you touch me again after what you did? That you can fix what you broke with a fucking hug?”
Stepping closer, I glare down at him, my fury building inside me. “God, Matty, you don’t even know how to love someone without destroying them first. Either you care that little for me, or you’re just that fucking stupid.”