33. Matty
Chapter thirty-three
M y arms fall heavily to my sides, hitting the ground as I gaze at my best friend in shock, his words slicing through me.
You don’t know how to love anyone without destroying them first.
I try to inhale, but it feels like there’s a weight on my chest, crushing my lungs.
You’re just that fucking stupid.
His voice melds with Valerie’s in my head, screaming the same things at me this morning when I accidentally dropped her coffee mug because she was pissed at me for going on this trip.
You can’t do shit right.
How did they even let you into the NFL?
I hope Hannah takes after me instead of you.
It hurts. It hurts so damn much.
My eyes start to sting as they fill with tears, and I slowly climb to my feet, feeling just as stupid as he said when I pick leaves out of my hair.
“I… shit, I didn’t mean that,” Xed says roughly, taking a step toward me, but I shake my head and back away.
“Yes, you did. I’m a stupid, clumsy idiot.”
“Goddammit, Matty, that’s not what I meant! ”
Wiping away my tears, I go to pass him, but he grabs my arm. Spinning me around, his forehead thumps against my chest, a shaky breath shooting from his lungs. I don’t know if it’s the shrooms or my blurred vision, but his mohawk seems to glow in the moonlight slipping through the trees.
“ Why?” he growls, his fingers tightening on my wrist. “Why did you do it, Matthew? How could you?”
Because Hannah needs me.
“I’m sorry.”
Because I’m a weak excuse for a man.
“That’s all you have to say? Seriously?” Stepping back, he folds his arms and glares at me, eyes glowing red, and even though I know I’m tripping, the sight chills me down to my core.
Reaching up to tug on my hair, I glance toward the trees. “What…what else can I say, Xed? What do you want to hear?”
How can I keep my daughter and you, too?
I can’t choose. Please don’t make me choose.
“You’ve said it all, Matthew. I get it.” With a scoff, he marches past me, slapping his phone into my chest. “Here, put something on to watch. Stay at fucking camp, I’m going to go find the others.”
And with that, he’s gone. His warmth dissipates the further he gets, leaving me cold. All I can do is watch him walk away, his name stuck in my throat.
I wish I could call him back, shout after him, wrap my arms around his body, and beg for forgiveness, but I can’t.
I’m pathetic. Just like Val says I am.
Fuck, my lungs ache.
The Colorado air chills my skin now that we’re up higher up, making me wish I had longer sleeves, but the trail ahead winds up through the pines, promising a view that’s worth it.
At least, that’s what I keep telling myself. Who the hell hikes five miles every year just to see some waterfall? Christian, that’s who.
Behind me, the group is scattered along the trail, boots crunching on dirt and gravel. Salem’s chatting with Arya, their laughter echoing through the trees, while Logan complains loudly to Christian about his legs hurting. Taylor and Huck are back at camp doing…whatever they do now. We just finished swimming, and the two disappeared for a suspiciously long time.
Clearly, they don’t hate each other as much as they used to, but… seeing them happy makes me think of my best friend.
Who’s silent.
He’s near the back of the group, his strides deliberately slow, keeping him at a distance. Like he’d rather be anywhere else. He hasn’t looked at me once since we started the hike.
And I don’t blame him.
His words from last night still ring in my ears, sharp and heavy, cutting deeper than I care to admit.
Do you actually think I’d ever let you touch me again ?
I shake my head, trying to focus on the trail instead of the knot forming in my stomach.
He said he didn’t mean it. He was just mad. People say things when they’re angry, right? And yet…
He won’t talk to me.
Last night, when we all piled into the tent together, he’d placed himself behind Taylor—and cuddled him. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t piss me off. The fact that he was trying to hurt me on purpose kept my eyes open long after everyone else had fallen asleep.
As the path climbs higher, I stop to catch my breath, studying him from the corner of my eye. He’s got sunglasses on, shoulders tense while he talks with Salem, their heads bent as they whisper back and forth. I can’t hear what they’re saying, and it only makes me feel worse.
“Matty!” Christian’s voice draws me from my thoughts, and I turn to see him smirking at me up ahead. “Come on, homie, you’re slow as fuck!”
I force a grin, ignoring the tightness in my chest. “Alright, alright, I’m coming!”
As I catch up, I glance back at Xed again, hoping for… something. Anything. But he doesn’t even look my way.
It feels like my entire soul is cracking into pieces.
“So.” Christian smacks my chest, his wavy hair damp from our swim. “Haven’t gotten a chance to talk in a while, man. You good?”
Schooling my features, I nod, wiping a layer of sweat from my brow. “Yep. So good.”
So lonely. So broken.
He studies me with hazel eyes, lifting a curved brow. “That sounded hella convincing. ”
Panic quickens my pulse, and I fake an easy laugh like I’ve been doing this entire trip. “I am good. I just got drafted into the NFL, and I get to live where it doesn’t snow. Hannah can’t wait to see the red rocks. It’s a dream come true.”
I just wish my best friend could live it with me.
“And that’s why I don’t believe you," Christian scoffs, sometimes sounding so much like Taylor that it throws me. “All of that and not one mention of Val.”
With a shrug, I look away to hide my eyes. “Val is… Val. She’s changed a lot.”
It’s bullshit, for the most part. She’s sober but still mean as hell. Convincing everyone that she’s turned a new leaf seems easier than convincing them I’m happy.
“Hmm.” Christian hums at that, glancing over his shoulder. “Just don’t forget about your friends when you leave, yeah?”
I frown, tilting my head. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
He shrugs, running a hand through his damp hair, his eyes fixed on me. “It means you’re not hard to read, hermano. You’ve been all smiles and jokes this whole trip, but it’s like… no estas aqui . Like there’s a piece of you missing.”
Yeah… because there is.
My throat clogs with emotion, and I force another laugh. “That’s deep, man. Didn’t know you were a philosopher.”
He doesn’t laugh. Doesn’t even smirk. “I’m serious. Look, I get it. Val’s sober, you’ve got the NFL, and Hannah’s happy. From the outside, it’s all bueno . But is it, really?”
His words hit harder than I expect, and I swallow hard. “It’s enough.”
“Is it?” he presses, leaning into me. “Because from where I’m standing, you seem fucking miserable. ”
“What are you trying to say, Christian?”
He exhales slowly, raising his gaze skyward. “I’m saying you don’t have to fake it, man. Whatever you’re going through, you’ve got people who care about you. Don’t forget that.”
For a moment, I don’t say anything, the weight of his words hanging heavy between us. The ache of everything I’ve been holding back presses down on me, making my shoulders scream in agony, and I shift awkwardly to ease the tension.
“I’m fine,” I tell him, though I know it’s a lie.
Christian doesn’t push; he just shakes his head with a frown. “If you say so. Just remember that it’s cool to talk about your feelings. We all need to sometimes.”
He claps my shoulder again before quickening his pace, heading for a rise on the trail without another word, leaving me alone with his words.
And they echo in my mind the rest of the hike up to Ouzel Falls.
I’m so stuck inside my head that I don’t even have the energy to enjoy the view when we eventually make it to the massive waterfall, its cascading current sparkling in the evening sun.
The group splits off, Christian and Arya probably sneaking away to find some tree to fuck against while Salem disappears to take pictures. Logan follows her, of course, the poor love-sick fool. Xed quietly creeps to the cliff’s edge, dropping down to dangle his feet over the ledge.
I don’t know what I am supposed to do. Everything feels weird, and I shuffle on my feet, debating whether I should go over there or not. The spark of a lighter eventually has me shuffling over to find him gazing down at a lit cigarette, unblinking.
The sight makes my stomach churn.
“What are you doing? ”
He jolts, gazing up like he’s surprised to find me beside him, before bringing the cigarette to his lips. “Just thinking.”
When did he start smoking? “About?”
Inhaling deeply, he blows smoke through his nose as he sweeps his gaze over the forest stretching out beneath us. “Hannah would love this.”
My throat tightens, tears springing to my eyes as I drop down next to him. “Yeah, she would. We should bring her some time.”
He turns toward me, his face blank, puffing on his cigarette in silence. The hollow look in his eyes makes my skin crawl. I just want to see him smile again.
“We should take a selfie to show her,” I offer hopefully. “Bet she’d love that.”
The Xed before would have snorted and rolled his eyes like he hated the idea, even if he secretly loved it.
The Xed now just… stares.
“I’m not taking a selfie with you,” he says flatly, flicking cigarette ashes onto my jeans, and I fight to keep my chin from wobbling.
“Why not?”
“Because,” he mutters coldly, “I don’t need a picture to remind me of what I’ve lost.”
With a flinch, I rear back, feeling like I’ve been slapped. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
He doesn’t meet my gaze, his eyes fixed on the horizon like he can’t stand the sight of me. “It means I can’t pretend everything’s fine just because you want it to be, Matty. I can’t smile for a selfie and act like this —" He gestures between us, his hand shaking slightly. "—isn’t completely fucked.”
The tears I’ve been holding back sting at the corners of my eyes, but I force them down. “She’s her mother, Xed. I can’t take that from her. I’m trying to make things better—"
“ Better?" he interrupts, finally turning to face me, his eyes blazing. “How the fuck are you making things better, Matty? By pretending we’re still the same people we used to be? We’re not. We can’t be.”
His voice cracks on the last word, and it guts me.
“I know that,” I say quietly, my hands balling into fists on my lap. “You think I don’t know that? I’m just… I’m trying to hold on to whatever’s left of us.”
He laughs bitterly. “There’s nothing left to hold on to.”
The silence that follows feels like a chasm, my heart cracking in two.
I swallow hard, blinking rapidly to keep the tears from spilling over.
“You don’t mean that,” I whisper, more to myself than him.
He doesn’t answer; he just stubs the cigarette out on his wrist before I can stop him and then stands to brush off his pants.
“I’m going back to camp,” he says, his voice flat again like the conversation never happened.
“Xed, that’s not fair. I’m trying .”
So. Fucking. Hard.
He finally turns to me, his expression tightening. “You don’t try, Matthew. You avoid. You hide. You smile and laugh and drag me along like I’m some fucking idiot.”
“I’m not hiding anything!” I cry, my voice rising.
“Yes, you are!” he shouts, towering over me. “You’ve been hiding your whole goddamn life. You hid how you felt about me, about Valerie, about everything! And now you’re dragging me into this fucked-up mess like it’s my job to make you feel better about it!”
I stare up at him, tears blurring my vision. “I’m sorry. I just… Can we enjoy this trip? Please? Before I…”
The words get lost on their way to my mouth, and I trail off, feeling hopeless.
“Before you leave,” he finishes, huffing a dry laugh as he throws his head back. After a few moments of studying the sky, he lowers his gaze to mine. All I see is my own pain reflected back at me. “Matty, you’re already gone.”
With that, he turns and walks away, leaving me frozen on the ground.
The tears I’d been keeping back finally spill over, flooding my cheeks as I drop my head into my hands and let go, wishing he’d come back.
Wishing he’d save me.
Wondering if I really do destroy everything I love.