37. Matty
Chapter thirty-seven
A six-hour flight to Salt Lake City after a rough game in Georgia is not what I’d call a good time, especially with a blizzard rolling in. By the time I high-tail it out of the airport and flag down an Uber, I’m dead on my feet, but the minute Xed texted me, I knew I couldn’t let him go through this alone.
Due to the storm, it takes nearly an hour to reach the nursing home where his Aunt Pearl has been living. The snow is piling up as I grab my bag and rush inside the facility, which isn’t the most luxurious; it’s a bit run-down and needs a serious paint job. The receptionist at the front desk greets me with a warm smile when I approach, but it fades after I ask for Pearl’s room.
“Number 140, down this hall, and take a left,” she says grimly. “You might want to hurry though, hun.”
I hasten my steps, my chest tightening as I quickly scan each room. When I finally find the one I’m looking for, I step inside, my stomach dropping at the sight of Xed in a chair against the wall.
He has his head bent, focused on the floor, but looks up the moment I enter. Dark brown strands of hair cover one side of his blank face, and the usual spiked leather jacket clings to his frame. His gaze shifts to the bed in the middle of the room, and when I follow it, I see Pearl lying under the blankets. Her body is completely still—eerily so—and I almost think she might be…
“She’s gone.”
His voice is as flat as his expression, his eyes dull as he stares at his aunt’s corpse. I exhale sharply, lungs emptying as I make my way over to him.
“I’m so sorry, Ducky.”
Xed says nothing when I wrap my arms around him, and I’m taken aback by how cold he feels. Almost as if he’s the lifeless one in this room.
Pulling back, I study his face, searching for anything recognizable in those gold-flecked irises. All I find is emptiness.
Pressing my lips to the shaved side of his scalp, I breathe him in for the first time since we separated three months ago. “It’s okay to be sad.”
“I’m not,” he bites out, pushing away as he stands. “I could give two shits about her. I’m only here because the nurse had no one else to call.”
“Yeah.” I watch him stuff his hands in his pockets, wishing he’d just let me hold him. “That’s okay, too. You’re allowed to feel how you feel.”
He scoffs, throwing me a scowl before heading out of the room. “I feel nothing. You shouldn’t have come, Matty.”
“But I wanted to.” Trailing after him, I give his aunt one last glare, hating the woman for everything she put my best friend through—all the lies she put in his head.
I hope you burn in hell.
We end up at the nurse’s station, where Xed essentially releases the body to the state, announcing that he doesn’t care what happens to it. They gape at him like he’s pure evil, but he doesn’t seem to care. I press myself into his side as he fills out some papers, but he pulls away when he’s finished. He doesn’t speak to me, even when I follow him out to the Subaru, covered in thick layers of snow. As he warms it up, I clean off the windshield with my bare hands, freezing in my light shirt and jeans. When I slip into the car, I find him glaring at me.
“Why the hell aren’t you wearing a coat?”
With a shrug, I rub my arms to warm them up. “I hopped on a plane from Atlanta as soon as I got off the field. It’s like seventy degrees there right now.”
“Jesus, Matthew.” He turns up the heat, aiming the vents toward me as he pulls out of the parking lot, and I rub my arms to get the blood flowing again. We’re both quiet during the drive, “ Better" by Breathe Carolina filling the silence as I fight the urge to take his hand like I used to.
“Where are you going?” I ask when he turns toward the opposite direction of the townhome, and he throws me an unreadable look.
“My apartment.”
Shit, that’s right. I don’t even know where he lives. That thought makes my chest ache.
Falling back into silence, I watch the familiar cityscape fly by, feeling nostalgic. Arizona is fine. It’s warm and beautiful, but it’s not home—not without Xed.
The blizzard makes reaching our destination take a while. I’m almost asleep when he whips into a parking spot, fatigued from the game and long flight. Xed nudges me awake, letting me know we’re here, and I brace for the cold as I step out of the car.
His apartment building is small, just two stories with eight units. He leads me to door number four, unlocking it before letting us inside. Warm air hits me immediately, making me shiver as I sweep my gaze over the cramped space.
Other than a few camping chairs and a scratched coffee table with a bong on it, there’s no other furniture. Not even a table in the kitchenette or a TV. Nothing on the peeling walls. It’s…cold despite the space heater on full blast in the corner. Lifeless. Hollow.
Not at all like the townhome we used to share.
I can feel Xed’s eyes on me, and I meet his dark gaze as his lips twist into an ugly sneer.
“Home sweet home.”
Kicking off his boots, he heads toward one of the rooms in the back without another glance in my direction. Without any other choice, I follow, eyeing the leaking sink faucet. I could probably fix that before I go.
“What happened to all the furniture in the townhome?” I ask as I step inside his room, watching him flop onto a small mattress.
He shrugs, slipping off his jacket. “Left it all there for the new tenants. Salem and I wanted to start fresh.”
By start fresh , I’m pretty sure he means start over, and I hate it. Hate the way it feels like he’s completely erased me from his life.
Clearing my throat, I lean down to untie my sneakers to hide the tears in my eyes. “Where is Salem, anyway?”
“Who knows? Probably with Christian and Tay planning their tour.”
“Hmm.” Lining my shoes up neatly next to his bedroom door, I turn in time to watch him pull his shirt sleeve down quickly, and my jaw tightens at the fresh burn I just saw.
“I’m guessing you plan on staying?” He says mildly, averting his gaze, and I take in the blizzard raging outside his window .
“If you want me to go, I can try to Uber to a hotel.”
“Whatever.” He lays down on the bed, rolling onto his side away from me, and I stand awkwardly for a moment.
“Should… should I sleep on the floor? Or in Salem’s room? You have no couch, so…”
He gives me a shrug in response. “Whatever.”
Not whatever, dammit.
Tugging at my strands for a few seconds, I decide to hell with it and climb into bed, squeezing myself in so that Xed gets smooshed between my body and the wall. He grumbles but says nothing, tucking his head in his hands, and I wrap my arms around him tightly. The feel of his body makes my cock swell, so I shift away, stuffing part of the blanket in between us to block it. As much as I’ve missed him these last few months… now is not the time for that.
With a sigh, I shut my eyes, finally feeling like I can relax. Maybe get some proper sleep for once. Being alone has been tough, and my performance on the field is starting to reflect my exhaustion. We got our asses handed to us today.
I’ve just about fallen asleep when Xed’s soft voice rouses me.
“She’s been calling me for months, but I ignored her.”
Nuzzling into the back of his neck, I press my lips against his skin. “What do you think she wanted?”
“Money,” he spits roughly, but I swear I hear a sniffle. “For medical expenses. Not my fucking problem. She wasn’t good to me.”
“No.” I’m quiet, picking my words carefully because I know my best friend despite the distance. I know he’s hurting. “But it’s okay to mourn who she could have been. ”
Xed takes a shuddering breath, wiping his eyes. “Hannah’s lucky to have Jenna. And you. I’m glad she has a family, unlike me.”
My brows slam down as I lift my head to look at him. “You have a family.”
He scoffs, stomach moving against my hand, but he doesn’t respond. And that makes me angry.
“So Hannah isn’t your family? Jenna, my mom and dad? Me?”
Rolling over, he scowls at me, eyes like daggers to my heart. “And what am I to Hannah, Matthew? To you?”
Blinking rapidly, I can only stare at him because I don’t understand the question. How can I possibly sum up everything he is to me? Every thought before I close my eyes is of him, my mornings spent wishing I could roll over and press my face into his chest, but he’s not there. I just want him back. I want him and Hannah back, and it hurts so fucking much sometimes.
When I don’t immediately respond, he flops back onto his side, grumbling under his breath. “Go to sleep. I’ll drive you to the airport in the morning.”
He immediately shuts down, going so far as to scoot away from me, and I hate it. There’s still so much I need to say, but my brain won’t operate, and I’m so drained. So I just press myself against him again, forcing his arms open to accommodate me as I shut my eyes, letting his familiar scent envelop me.
Let us sleep for now. I’ll find a way to make things better in the morning.