36. Xed
Chapter thirty-six
T he sound of a video call pulls me out of sleep, and I roll over in bed to search for my phone, grumbling when I knock it off my side table onto the floor.
Who’s fucking calling so late?
“What?” I growl, answering with one bleary eye, and the chuckle on the other end of the speaker makes my heart clench.
Shit.
“You finally answered.” Matty beams at me on the screen, completely shirtless, and the sight of his face immediately makes my stomach flip.
Blinking at the time, I shoot him a glare, slightly annoyed. “It’s two in the morning. Is something wrong?” My stomach drops as I bolt up in bed. “Is it Hannah?”
“No, Hannah’s fine.” He sighs heavily, scratching his chin. “At least, last I heard. Today was just hard.”
Quashing my irritation at being woken up after working so many hours, I rub my eyes. “Didn’t you have a game today?”
“Yeah, against the Packers. You didn’t watch?”
With a snort, I stifle a yawn. “No. I had work. Pulled a double at the shop.”
Matty smacks his lips, giving me a pout. “Taylor watches all of Huckslee’s games.”
“Yeah, well, he’s toxically obsessed with his stepbrother.”
“You’re not obsessed with me?”
My mouth opens, but I shut it, not really knowing what to say.
Thankfully Matty gives me an out when I don’t respond. “Why were you working a double?”
Sinking back down onto my twin mattress, I gaze up at the water-stained ceiling. “Keeps me busy, I guess.”
He’s silent for a moment, watching me through the screen. “Everything okay?”
Fan-fucking-tastic.
“It’s…yeah. It’s fine.”
Between detoxing, therapy, NA meetings, dodging calls from Pearl’s nursing home, and Salem slowly spiraling, things are not fine. The more I work, the less I have to be home to witness my roommate’s self-destruction though. Luckily, Tay and Christian are going on tour soon, so I hope that’ll keep her occupied. Other than the fact that she’ll be stuck with her ex-boyfriend who’s also her other ex-boyfriend’s nephew. And also her husband. Glad I’m staying out of that shit-show.
Matty hums, clearly not convinced but he lets it go. “You know what I was thinking about the other day?”
Narrowing my tired eyes, I squint at him. “Is this important?”
“Yes,” he says quickly, sitting up in bed. I don’t know what his room looks like—all I can see is a wooden headboard and the glow from some kind of lamp. “It’s super important, I promise.”
Doubtful .
Squeezing my lids shut, I clench my teeth, wanting to be angry but missing him so bad it steals my breath. “What were you thinking about, Matty?”
“Remember the first time we kissed?”
“Really?” With a huff, I place the phone face-down on my chest to hide my expression. “How is that important? I’m hanging up.”
“No, wait!” His panicked voice reaches my ears. “There’s a point to this. Just answer, do you remember?”
“What the fuck kind of question is that?”
Of course I remember. Who forgets their first kiss? We’d both been sixteen at the time, and he’d just spent the summer at football camp. It had been the loneliest few months of my life, the longest I’d ever been without him.
“You just went right for it,” Matty laughs, my screen still hidden so I can’t see his face. “The moment I walked into the house, you threw your arms around my neck and kissed me. Right in front of my parents.”
Swallowing hard, I scrub at my face, willing away the tears that want to fall. “Yeah, so? I was bored without you. Spent that entire summer getting shitfaced with Christian while Taylor bitched about Huckslee. It sucked.”
There’s a beat of silence as he absorbs my words. “Did you know then? That you were in love with me?”
Rolling over onto my side, I glare out my window, light from a nearby billboard illuminating the bare walls in my room.
All I could think about the entire time we were apart that summer was how much it ached to be away from him. How I craved his warmth beside me at night, the feel of his strong arms pulling me close. I never wanted to be separated again.
Teenage me was a fool .
“Ducky?” Matty’s whisper stirs the silence, and I bite my cheek, resentment settling heavy in my chest.
“You wanna know what I remember most about that night?” I start, my voice completely flat. “How the second you dropped off your bags, you were back out the door to see Val. Said you couldn’t go any longer without getting laid after I spent three whole months missing you.”
He inhales sharply, and I hear him fumble with the phone. “That’s not fair. I was a teenage boy, I’d just spent months hardly jerking off—"
Cutting him off, I pick up my phone quickly. “I have to get up early for work, I’m going back to bed.”
“Xed, wait,” he says desperately, wide blue eyes gazing back at me, but I’ve had enough. I’m not ready for this yet. Looking at him hurts.
“Goodnight, Matthew.”
Ending the call quickly, I toss my phone at the wall before curling in on myself, automatically itching at the scars on my arms. That familiar pressure pulsates in my head, building and building until I dig my nails into my skin to get it to stop. I hear my phone buzz but I ignore it, biting my tongue as hard as I can without breaking skin.
I won’t do it. I won’t.
I can’t. If I ever want to see Hannah again, I will not hurt myself.
Hours go by as I rock myself, body strung tighter than a bowstring, sweat soaking through my clothes.
Eventually, it subsides. The chills dissipate, the ringing in my ears fades as blood rushes to my limbs. I can finally breathe. Only when I can move without feeling nauseous do I lean down to grab my phone, blinking through tears as I read what Matty sent me.
And then I throw up on the floor.
Sasquatch:
I only went to Valerie that night because I got turned on when you kissed me. Every single time I’ve gone to her has been because I was feeling things for you and didn’t understand. It’s always been you, Ducky.
Sasquatch:
We had another hearing today and Val didn’t show. The lawyer says it looks better for us, but I was worried about Hannah. She’s fine, though, Jenna checked.
Just thought you’d want to know because this is important.
Sasquatch:
Today was hard…she tried to bring up you and I in court. Luckily, the judge wouldn’t let her, but I’m worried about it getting out. My agent says he’ll try to keep it from th e media.
I’m scared.
Sasquatch:
Did you get my message yesterday?
Hello?
Haven’t heard from you in three weeks since the video call. I hope you’re okay.
Please talk to me.
Sasquatch:
If it wasn’t for Salem giving me vague updates over the last month, I’d think the worst. You promised not to shut me out, Xed, and yet you’re doing it.
I love you. I’m sorry.
Ducky:
She’s dying.
Sasquatch:
I’m on my way.