35. Matty
Chapter thirty-five
E verything hurts.
My knees ache from how long I’ve been kneeling on the driveway.
My skin burns from the Arizona sun.
My eyes sting; they’re so swollen I can’t even blink. My gaze is still focused on the road, even though Valerie took Hannah almost an hour ago.
Shattering my heart.
I can still hear my daughter screaming for me as her mother dragged her into the car, digging the knife deeper into my gut. All I ever wanted was to make her happy. To be a good dad. I failed.
Everyone around me, I’ve failed.
“Matty.”
His voice draws me out of my grief, and I look up at Xed despondently, the sight of that bandage over his eye sending me spiraling deeper into this pit.
I hurt everyone I care about.
“Come on, big guy,” Xed grabs my arm, tugging me to my feet even though I’d rather just sit out here and melt into the pavement. “Let’s get you inside before you burn to a crisp.”
I wouldn’t even care. It’s what I deserve.
The house is quiet when we enter. All of my friends and family were shocked into silence from the truth I just told them, spilling all of it as I blubbered like a crazy person after Valerie and Tyson left with Hannah. That was right before I ran outside and crashed to my knees, sobbing into the concrete. It feels like hours ago.
As Xed pulls me into the kitchen, I keep my eyes down, feeling everyone’s gaze on me. Tension is thick in the air, shame making my burnt face even hotter.
Taylor’s the first person to break, pulling me into a bruising embrace, followed by Christian and Salem. Next thing I know, I’m being crushed by hugs as my mom, dad, and sister follow suit. So do Huck and Arya.
The only two who aren’t touching me are Xed and Devon, both leaning against the kitchen counter as they watch the show.
The despair inside me briefly flickers to anger, remembering them together yesterday. But I stuff it down because I don’t deserve to feel angry. I’m the one who pushed Xed away in the first place. I deserve everything that’s happening right now.
“Why didn’t you tell us?” Taylor growls, backing up into Huckslee’s arms. Everyone is still in their wedding clothes, only now this feels like a funeral. Probably mine. “Seriously, Matty, what she did is not okay.”
Christian agrees wholeheartedly. “I told you she was crazy, hermano.”
“It’s my fault,” I mumble, wiping my nose as I slump into a rickety chair. “I… hurt people.”
“ Matthew,” Salem snaps, glaring at me with red-rimmed eyes. “She raped you and then blackmailed you! How is that your fault?! ”
“No, it’s…” Cringing, I shy away from her words, stuffing down all the thoughts and feelings from the night Hannah was conceived. Deep down, I know she’s right, but it doesn’t feel like those words should represent someone like me. I’m…big—a man. We’re supposed to be strong, which I’ve done for the last five years, trying to be strong for Hannah.
In the end, it didn’t matter.
My mom places her hands on my shoulders, massaging them gently before planting a kiss on top of my head. “So what now? What’s the plan?”
Inhaling shakily, I catch Xed’s stare before he looks away, his expression guarded. I hate that he won’t look at me. “Val says she’s suing for full custody. Probably half my money, too.”
Shit, I should probably call my agent. Knowing Valerie, she’s probably already posted on every social media platform by now, spewing her bullshit.
As if on cue, my phone starts to vibrate in my pocket, and I pull it out to see the Cardinals’ PR lady on my screen. Just great. Fantastic.
“We’re here to help however we can, bud.” Dad pats my arm, his tuxedo wrinkled from where he no doubt fell asleep in it earlier. My eyes tear up again when everyone chimes in with support.
Everyone except the one person I wish I could hold right now.
Xed’s eyes are already on me when I look at him, and our gazes lock for so long that a few of our friends shift uncomfortably. Devon scoots closer to him, throwing an arm over his shoulders, which has my jaw tightening.
“And you?” I ask, voice hoarse.
Xed blinks, crossing his arms as his expression remains stoic. “And me, what? ”
“Dude, seriously–” Taylor starts, but Salem smooshes a finger to his lips, cutting off what I’m sure was about to be a long-winded rant about the healing powers of friendship.
“Let’s give these two some privacy,” Jenna says, giving me a tight but encouraging smile. “I’m sure they have a lot to talk about.”
As everyone leaves the room, I keep my eyes on Xed, stiffening when Devon leans down to whisper with his lips pressed to his ear.
Whatever he says has Xed shaking his head and jerking his chin toward the door. Dev turns to leave but stops a few feet from me.
“For what it’s worth, I’m sorry, man,” he says, hands stuffed in his pockets. “About your little girl.”
“Thanks.” It’s meant to sound genuine, but my teeth are clenched so hard they’re cracking.
Dev just huffs, waving an arm before turning to leave. The front door shuts, leaving Xed and me alone. The silence stretches on, each second killing me the longer we go without speaking.
Finally, he’s the first to break our stare down, turning his back as he faces the window above the sink. “What the fuck, Matty?”
Heaving a heavy sigh, I rub my forehead with my palm, feeling exhausted. “I know.”
“Do you, though?” He glares at me accusingly over his shoulder. “Do you have any idea what you’ve put me through over the past few years?”
My mouth opens to tell him I do, but the words die on my tongue when he grips the edge of the counter and takes a shuddering breath.
“You…” Trailing off, he shakes his head before continuing. “You made me feel like I wasn’t enough. ”
If I thought there wasn’t anything left of my heart to break, I was wrong because those words hit me in the chest like a battering ram.
Pushing off the chair, I stride toward him, seconds away from pulling him into a hug. He jerks away, leaving me once again reaching for something but grasping at nothing. “You’re always enough for me, Ducky. Always.”
“Then why didn’t you tell me what she did?” He asks fiercely, gold-flecked eyes blazing with anger. “Why did you shut me out? You said you fucked her!”
“I didn’t say that—" I start, but he cuts me off with an angry growl.
“Yes, you fucking did! That night after we…you said you were sorry. That you were getting back together.”
Licking my chapped lips, I sag against the counter, shutting my eyes against the waves of pain at the memory of how he’d shrunk in front of me, something vital cracking in his eyes. His expression will haunt me until the day I die. “I didn’t say anything. I just…let you assume the worst.”
Xed inhales sharply, pausing briefly to search my face. “Why would you do that?”
It takes a moment for my throat to form sound. “Because letting you hate me was easier than letting you know the truth.”
“Which is? ”
“I’m weak.” The confession slips out, and I flinch, feeling like I just ripped off a scab. “I couldn’t protect you from your aunt, couldn’t protect myself from Val, and now I’ve failed at protecting Hannah, too. I’m a failure as a man! Hannah’s…probably better off without me. Valerie will win custody anyway. I’m no good. ”
My voice echoes around us, dust motes dancing from the setting sun shining through the window. Xed’s face falls as he rubs his fists into his eyes, lips curling back into a snarl. His breathing picks up like he’s trying to calm himself down, and before I know it, he’s closing the distance between us.
“That’s fucking bullshit, Matthew!" To my shock, he grabs my face, squeezing my cheeks in between his palms as he pulls me down to eye level, expression murderous. “Who let me sleep in his bed for twelve fucking years because I couldn’t stand the sight of myself, huh? Who cleaned up my burns and wiped my tears away?”
“I did,” I respond, my lips squished like a fish.
“Who made sure I was always included with our friends, even against my will?”
“Me.”
“That’s right,” he nods, dropping his eyes to my mouth. “You. The same man who refused to leave the hospital for weeks because his daughter needed him. Who stayed up every night reading her bedtime stories before she could even understand words. You were made to be a father, baby, and you’re the best one I know. So don’t you fucking give up. Any judge can see what I see.”
A choked sob leaves my throat at his words as tears slip from my lashes. Months of building desperation and loneliness finally reach their peak, and I surge forward, pressing my lips to his. I’ve missed him so much, missed the closeness and the touches, the midnight cuddles. I fucking missed him. No matter what happens, I can face anything with my best friend by my side.
But I must have misread the situation because Xed steps back quickly, wiping his mouth on the back of his hand, and suddenly it feels like someone ripped a vital organ from my chest. An unpleasant shiver wracks my body at how he backs away from me, taking his warmth with him.
“You–” His voice cracks, and he clears his throat, tearing his gaze away. “You can’t do that, Matty.”
My brows slam down. “Do what?”
“Kiss me,” he glares, and I gape at him.
“W-why not? We’ve always kissed.” Always. “Please, Ducky, I…I need you. I can’t fight Val alone.”
He studies my face for a moment. “How do you need me?”
Tilting my head, I open my mouth and shut it, genuinely confused by the question. “What do you mean?”
“How do you need me, Matthew? As the best friend who always stood by your side through everything, or as something more?”
Running a hand through my hair, I anxiously scan the room, unsure what to say. I know what he’s asking, what he wants. But so much has happened today— hell, over this past week—and my thoughts are muddled. I know I want everything with him, but I also know how unpredictable Valerie is and Hannah has to be my priority. “I don’t...I don’t know. I can’t think about that right now, Xed. I need to think about my daughter. About Hannah.”
A lengthy silence is the only response I get before a heavy sigh reaches my ears. “Yeah...me too.”
Whipping my head toward him, I’m about to ask what he means by that, but he’s making his way toward the front door.
Shouting after him, I follow close behind. “Where are you going?!”
“I’ll be right back. Just wait here.”
He leaves the house, and I tug at my hair, fear causing me to watch him from the porch in case he doesn’t come back. When I see him struggling to lift a box out of the trunk of the Subaru, I rush down the steps, taking it from his arms. “Let me help you.”
“Told you to wait,” he scoffs, giving me an annoyed look, and I shrug.
“You needed me.”
That comment has his face falling, and he drops his gaze.
Placing his hands on the box, he opens the flaps slowly, revealing the contents inside. As soon as I see what he’s showing me, my eyes swell again, my throat burning when I grab our Duck Crossing sign off the top of the pile. Beneath it lies every sign we’ve ever stolen.
“What is all this?” My voice cracks, and Xed takes the sign from me, looking down at it fondly.
“I planned to give these to you as a wedding gift. One last fuck you for leaving me, but…" His sad eyes meet mine when a choked sob leaves my throat, the thought of losing him forever like a knife to my heart. A contemplative look crosses his features. “Maybe you can just hold onto them. For now.”
My face twists in confusion. “Hold onto them until when?”
Xed licks his lips, running a hand across his mouth. “I don’t know, Matty. Until I’m…better.”
“What the hell does that even mean?”
Growling in frustration, he tosses the sign back into the box before throwing his arms wide. “ Look at me, man. Really look. Do you think I’m suitable for Hannah right now? Fuck, Matthew, I was snorting coke in a strip club bathroom not even a week ago!”
I bristle at the memory, viscerally jealous at Devon’s junk being anywhere near my best friend. Next time I see that asshole, I’m kicking him in the dick. “But you stopped, though. You’ve been sober all week. ”
“It’s not that simple.” Pulling up his sleeve, he flashes me his scarred arm, pointing to a fresh burn he must have done last night. The sight has tears spilling onto my already damp cheeks. “It’s not just about the drugs or the drinking. This needs to stop. I can’t be there for Hannah if I can’t even be there for myself.”
“So you’re leaving me?!” I cry, setting down the box to pull him against my chest. I already had to endure a year without him. I won’t survive it again.
Wrapping his arms around me, Xed sighs, resting his forehead on my chin. “I need help, Matty. I’m not healthy. Don’t think I’ve ever been. Having me around will only make it harder for you in a custody case, trust me.”
“What are you going to do?” Squeezing him tight, I bury my face in his hair, trembling slightly. It feels so good to hold him. “I don’t want to lose you again, Ducky. Please.”
With a shrug, he tightens his grip, face buried in my chest. “Taylor’s been annoying the fuck out of me about seeing his therapist. Maybe I’ll give it a go. See what happens.”
“But you can do that from Phoenix,” I rush out, pulling back to gaze at him desperately. “We can set you up on virtual visits. There are rehabs and programs. Why do we need to be apart again?”
He chews on his cheek, studying me for a quiet moment. “I need space, Matty. To…figure shit out. In a healthy way this time. And I think you do, too.”
But I don’t. I don’t want space. I want to be with him always. “But you’ll still talk to me, right? You won’t shut me out this time?”
Xed takes a moment to think about his answer, choosing his words carefully. “I’ll always be there for Hannah, you know that. But I think…I think we should keep our communications to a minimum. Just important updates. ”
My first instinct is to cry, to drop to my knees and beg him to forgive me, plead with him to let me back in.
I’m so sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.
“I won’t lie and say I get it because I don’t,” I respond, swallowing down the fear and desperation. This is the least I can do after everything I’ve put him through over the last year. “But if this is what you need…fine. Okay. Okay?”
“Okay.”
We gaze at each other silently, and I map his features, not knowing when I’ll see him again. It feels like my entire being is crumbling, falling to pieces at his feet, but I need to do better. I need to prove to him that Hannah and I deserve him in our lives.
“So, is this goodbye?” I whisper, blinking away more tears, surprised that I even have any left to shed.
My best friend quirks his lips, leaning up on his tiptoes to ghost his mouth over mine. “It’s not goodbye. Not this time.” He smiles softly, the first real one I’ve seen from him in so long. It feels like a parting gift.
“Until I see you again, baby.”