39. Xed
Chapter thirty-nine
C hoking in disbelief, Matty freezes for a second, his pulse racing so hard I can feel it through his body. Shaking himself out of it, he reaches around and grips my cock excitedly, making me grunt.
“Easy, baby.”
“Sorry, sorry,” he whispers, his breath hot in my ear as he loosens his fist, stroking me slowly. “I didn’t think you’d say yes.”
Neither did I. But I’m not backing out now.
Spinning around, I hop onto the counter, knocking dishes out of the way. Our height difference puts my ass level with his crotch, and his eyes widen when I spread my legs, bracing my heels on the ledge.
Baring myself to him.
“Holy shit.” His heated gaze takes me in, dropping to my hole on full display as he pants erratically.
Reaching out, I hook my fingers into the waistband of his jeans, dragging him close for a kiss. He reaches between us, undoing his pants before shimmying out of them, the tip of his length nudging my hole.
“Lube, Matty,” I breathe, tapping the hand that still holds the oil, and he nods with his tongue fluttering against mine .
“Yeah, okay.”
Pouring some onto his fingers, he slips between my crease, rubbing around my pucker with clumsy fingers. A bead of precum pools in his slit when we groan in unison, my head falling back against the cabinet. It’s sloppy and messy, nowhere near enough prep, but neither of us cares.
Once I’m oiled up, he slicks his cock, positioning himself at my entrance. When he pushes in suddenly, breaching the first ring of muscle, I hiss against the sudden burn.
“Sorry!” His voice breaks as he goes to pull out, but I clutch his waist, keeping him in place.
“Don’t be fucking sorry. I’m not scared of you, big guy. Don’t hold back. Give it all to me.”
With a stuttering breath, his pupils blow wide as he crushes his lips to mine. Thrusting forward, he enters me sharply, and I cry out into his mouth. It’s so fucking painful, my hole stretching around his girth, splitting me open.
I need more.
Wrapping my legs around him, I plunge my tongue down his throat as he starts to pound into me. Tears prick my eyes, and my dick leaks between us, the counter rattling with the force of his thrusts.
“God,” he whines, burying his face into my neck to suck on my skin. “You’re so tight… I can’t… missed you so much. Need you to feel me.”
My eyes roll back, the ache in my ass radiating into my balls, down my legs, that familiar pressure building inside of me with each snap of his hips. Matty growls when my nails gouge his back, the sound absolutely feral as he loses control. He hits a spot inside of me that sets my whole body ablaze, pain and pleasure colliding into one amalgamation of sweat, blood, and tears.
It’s all the years I spent wanting him. All the months alone wishing the one person I love could love me back. Weeks, days, down to the last nano-second of Matty and Xed, two best friends who will never be anything more or anything less.
Reaching between us, he wraps his hand around my cock to jerk me roughly, sending me over the edge. I come on a shout, the tears finally spilling over as my cum soaks his hand. When I clench around him, he follows close behind, sinking inside so deep and hard that I’ll probably never be the same.
And I don’t want to be.
“ Fuck ." He moans in my ear, thrusting through the orgasm as he spills his release, marking me in a way nobody else ever could. Sobs wrack his frame as he cries into my trembling shoulder. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Ducky.”
I’d started slipping off the counter, but he holds me up, and I rub my shaking fingers into his skin, feeling like my entire existence was just rearranged—along with my internal organs.
Through the orgasmic bliss, I can feel how badly I probably fucked up. It hurts everywhere. But I can’t bring myself to regret it. “Shh, it’s okay. I’m fine, Matty.”
He only cries harder, tightening himself around me as his cock slips from my wrecked hole, making me wince. “I destroy everyone I love.”
Shit.
Tilting his face up, I kiss him fervently, licking the salt from his lips. “No, you don’t. I told you that I wanted this. I wanted you to let go. ”
“Please tell me we’re okay,” he begs, blinking wet lashes that frame his bloodshot eyes. “Tell me I didn’t ruin us forever.”
My mouth opens, but no words come out, speaking now beyond me. All I can do is stare at him, communicating silently.
Tell me you love me like I love you.
I don’t know how.
Please tell me what we are to each other.
I can’t.
Tearing my gaze away, I let my legs fall from around his waist. He chokes out a sob and tries to reach for me, but I shake my head, swallowing hard.
Out of everything that’s happened between us, all the ways he’s hurt me, this feels so much worse .
Why can’t he just admit what we are to each other, what we’ve always been? I can’t spend my entire life waiting for him to figure it out. I’ve wasted years on Lover’s Lane only to wind up at a Dead End.
Time to exit the ride before it crashes and burns.
Needing space, I scoot back as far as I can on the counter as I run my shaking fingers down my face. After a few moments to collect myself, I finally meet the devastation in his gaze. Fight fire with fire. “I don’t think we should be friends anymore.”
The words slice through my throat on the way out, drawing blood, but they need to be said.
Matty’s lips part, air leaving his lungs in one breath as those blue eyes I love so much widen with confusion.
“W-what? I don’t…what are you saying, Xed?”
“Exactly what I just said.” Licking my lips, I cover my junk self-consciously like his cum isn’t currently leaking out of my ass. “I can’t do this with you anymore. It fucking hurts, Matthew. The guessing, the hoping. Getting you in private but hiding in public. I don’t deserve this.”
“I…” He coughs, his throat closing like it always does when he starts to panic. “What about Hannah?”
Why must he always throw her in my face?
“I love that girl like she’s my own, you know that,” I say firmly, glancing away. “I’ll always be her uncle. Anytime she needs me or wants to call, I’ll be there. But you and I… it’s over, Matty.”
He shudders, face growing pale as he reaches for me once again. As I bat his arms away, the front door opens wide, mid-day sun streaming into the room.
“ Seriously?! On my frying pan?!”
Salem’s screech has Matty jumping away, scrambling to pull up his pants. It isn’t until I see Taylor staring wide-eyed over her shoulder that I hurriedly slide off the counter to do the same.
“What the fuck?!” He shouts. “I knew it!”
Scoffing at the excitement in his voice, I button my pants as Salem marches across the room with a growl. She reaches under the sink, pulling out a can of disinfectant before spraying it at the space my ass just vacated.
“There’s fucking jizz on the counter! What the hell is wrong with you two? Ever heard of a bed?!”
For fuck’s sake.
I turn toward my room, avoiding Matty’s gaze entirely, when Taylor punches me on the shoulder, wiggling his pierced brow.
“It’s nice, right?! Team dick for the win.” He raises his hand like he’s expecting a high-five, but I glare at him until he lowers his arm with a smirk. “So what, are you two boyfriends now? ”
Matty says nothing, his cheeks inflamed as he picks up his bag from beside the door. Eyes on the floor. His silence speaks louder than words ever could.
“Matty was just leaving,” I snap, tearing my gaze from my ex-best friend. “Will you take him to the airport?”
Salem glowers at me from where she’s furiously scrubbing the counter. “Fine. But I expect this place fucking spotless when I get back.”
Yeah, okay. Like the coffee table isn’t currently littered with all of her shit.
Matty tries to grab my attention, but I focus on cleaning instead if only to avoid looking at him. When it becomes clear that I have no intention of saying goodbye, the two leave without a word.
The door clicks shut, echoing off the empty walls like a gunshot, and I blink down at my soapy hands, fighting back tears. Someone clearing their throat reminds me that I’m not alone, and I flick my gaze over to Taylor, who’s squinting at me with his arms crossed over a T-shirt that has a large raccoon on it with the title Trash King .
“So, how long has this been going on between you two?”
Rolling my eyes at the pout on his lips, I continue to scrub the evidence of my greatest weakness off the countertop. “A while.”
“What’s a while?”
Fuck, he’s nosy. Instead of answering the question, I blurt out something easier to discuss. Something that doesn’t make me feel the gaping wound in my chest where my heart used to sit. “My aunt died last night.”
Taylor’s expression softens as he runs a hand through his dark, messy strands. “Shit, man. You good? Want to talk about it?”
Am I? “Yeah, I’m good. And no, I don’t want to talk. ”
Talking was never our strong suit. Taylor and I built our friendship on vices. When his father died—may he rot—the night had ended with Tay beating up his stepdad because I’d gotten him drunk. More shit I feel guilty about.
Drinking is no longer an option for either of us, and it feels like we’ve been struggling to find the rhythm in our friendship without liquor as a crutch.
His gaze drops to the healing scar just beneath my thumb, and I tug my sleeve down to hide it. “You still seeing Dr. Hart?”
“Yep.”
“Cool, cool…” He trails off, popping his lips awkwardly. “But like, what’s a while with you and Matty, because—"
“Nope.”
Huffing, he throws me an annoyed glance before snatching up the bottle of oil perched on the counter. “Please do not tell me you guys used this as lube? It’s better than nothing, but like…" When I don’t respond, he chokes out a cough of disbelief. “Dude, do I need to educate you on anal? Should I call up Huck for a demonstration?”
“Fuck you.” Throwing the sopping wet sponge at his head, I stride toward my room, remembering not to slam my door at the last second. The noise sets him off, and as much as Tay irritates me, I still care about that asshole.
“Love you too,” he sings over the distinct sound of him rustling through the fridge like he doesn’t have his own fucking food at his own fucking apartment.
Heaving a sigh, I flop onto the sheets, causing a wave of Matty’s scent to fill my nostrils. The tears I’d been holding back finally slip free, soaking my pillow when I roll over and sob .
I can still feel him inside me, tearing me open, taking what I never planned on giving to anyone else. Just like my heart. Both parts of me ache for him so fucking bad, I want to scream. My scars itch, burning when I scratch at them, a painful reminder of everything I’m not.
Not perfect, not worth it, not loveable.
Not meant to be.