40. Matty
Chapter forty
T he café smells like cinnamon and freshly brewed coffee, but I can’t taste or smell anything over the sick feeling in my gut.
Gripping a warm mug, I glance out the window, watching cars roll by. It’s strange—everything outside looks normal. Like my world hasn’t been flipped upside down for the last few months. Last few years, really. What is normal anymore anyway?
The door chimes, and I know it’s them before I even look. Mom walks in first, her gaze sweeping the doughnut shop until it lands on me. Jenna follows close behind, both of them wearing matching expressions of cautious relief like they’re afraid to celebrate too soon. But I’m not in the mood for celebrating—not when my person isn’t here to do it with.
Mom pulls me into a tight hug before I can say a word, her voice loud. “Halle-fucking-lujah, the nightmare is over!”
“Mom, there are people,” I mumble, meeting an old lady’s angry glance in the booth beside us.
Jenna scoffs, plopping into the seat across from me, her white-blonde hair longer than I remember it a few weeks ago. “Who cares? You fucking won, Matty. Now you can stop moping.”
“Half-won.” Lifting the cup to my lips, I sigh and turn toward the window again .
Yeah, I got joint custody. It wasn’t what I wanted, but it’s better than never seeing Hannah at all. Tyson also got traded to the East Coast because of that video, and even though I know he deserved it, I still feel bad. I knew what Valerie was doing with him, but I just…didn’t care. As long as I had my daughter, I didn’t care, and that’s been my problem.
I thought I was being a good dad. Instead, I was just an idiot.
“Come on, Matthew, smile.” Mom pats my arm, drawing my attention as she orders something super complicated from the server. “Did you tell Xed the good news?”
My heart lurches as I shake my head, gazing down into my mug. “No. We actually haven’t spoken in… months.”
Four, to be exact. Not for lack of trying on my part, but he blocked me. My best friend cut me out of his life like we meant nothing to each other. I’ve been throwing all my focus into winning this custody case and football, but it’s been so hard.
Jenna raises her brows at that, exchanging a glance with our mom. “Really? He hasn’t said anything like that to me. I just texted him yesterday.”
Wow. A spike of jealousy makes me grimace, and I take a swig of my coffee to hide it.
So he can speak to my sister but not me? How is that fair?
Mom slaps her hand on the table, once again pissing off the lady next to us. “Matthew, I’m over this shit between you two. Get it together right this second.”
“Calm down, Ma,” Jenna snorts as our mother throws up her hands.
“Jen, this is serious. I want my Xed back. The new tenants are destroying that townhome. They replaced the wallpaper.”
“Oh, what a shame.” My sister rolls her eyes, and the two bicker while I obsess over what Mom just said.
My Xed . I want my Xed back.
And I do, so fucking bad.
I just want to be a family again.
“Horrible design choices aside,” Jenna continues, addressing me after Mom gives her the finger. “What’s been up with you?”
With a shrug, I feign ignorance. “Nothing, what’s been up with you?”
“Don’t play dumb. You know what I mean. These last few months, you’ve been unusually down. I thought it was because of Hannah, but it’s more than that, isn’t it?”
I sit back in my seat, sighing as I stare at the ceiling. Of course, it’s more, but what should I say? That I crossed a line with my best friend? Took our relationship to another level and probably ruined us for good?
Mom smacks her lips at my silence. “Just spit it out, honey, I haven’t got all day. Did you two break up again?”
What?!
My jaw drops as I gape at her, stammering over myself. “Xed and I are… we’re… what do you mean, break up? Again?”
She shakes her head, closing her eyes to gather strength before she punches me square in the pec. “Matthew, I raised you to be smarter than this!”
“Ow, Ma, stop. Those are sensitive.”
“Let me tell you something,” she starts, waggling a finger in my face. “Do you think I never knew about you sneaking him into the house? Or that you slept in the same bed at night? You’ve both been snuggling since you were ten years old. I thought this thing between you two was common knowledge. ”
Choking on my spit, I slap my chest, giving her a wide-eyed look. “ What? Mom, no, we were never… we’re just friends. Best friends.”
It sounds ridiculous, even to my own ears.
“I give up.” Mom waves me off, turning toward my sister. “Jenna, please knock some sense into your brother before I do it.”
“Matty, I hate to break it to you,” Jenna says, laying her hand across mine. “But best friends don’t look at each other like you two do.”
I scoff, my cheeks heating up. “Like what?”
She chews on her lip, studying me silently for a moment. “Like no one else in the world exists.”
All I can do is blink at her. Of course, Xed is the only one that exists to me. Him and Hannah. They’re my entire world, the axis I revolve around, my shining stars in the dark.
What happened with Val was bad… the way she used me, the way Hannah was conceived. But I always had Xed beside me when things got suffocating. And then we had Hannah, and she became our reason to breathe. Everything she is, everything she’s becoming, I owe to my best friend. He…
He raised her like a father. He is her father.
“Oh my god,” I breathe, feeling like my stomach just dropped out of my ass.
Jenna stops mid-sentence, eyeing me with concern. “What is it?”
“I…” My eyes burn as I swing my glance between her and Mom, the blood in my veins running cold. A tremble starts in my fingers, working up my arms until my shoulders shake violently.
I fucked up. I fucked up so bad .
“Hey now, it’s okay,” Mom says as she pulls me in for a hug. The familiar floral scent of her perfume fills my nostrils as I choke a sob into her shoulder. “Let it out, Matty, honey. It’s going to be okay.”
“It’s not." How did I not see? How could I let him slip away from me?
Those words leave my lips in a gasped whisper, and Mom smiles sadly, rubbing circles on my arms. “Sometimes we don’t see what’s right in front of us until it’s no longer there.”
Tears drip onto my cheeks, and I swallow around the swelling in my throat.
He’s always been there. Xed’s been there my entire life , following after me just like he did that day in fourth grade. My shadow, my partner, my everything. And I’ve known this.
I’ve known this. So why the fuck has it taken me until this moment to realize that I can’t live without him?
Because this time, he’s really gone.
That thought clangs loudly in my head, bouncing around until it’s all I hear, reverberating louder and louder with each passing second.
He’s gone, he’s gone, he’s gone.
All he ever wanted was for me to love him back the same way he loved me, and I drove him away.
And now I’ll never see him again.
My lungs seize, a sharp spasm that leaves me gasping for air. I’m hyperventilating, and no matter how hard I try to pull in a breath, it feels like there’s a hole in my chest where Xed used to be. The pain of his absence is as real, as sharp as losing a limb.
Before I can spiral further, Mom and Jenna are there, pulling me into their arms, crushing me between them. Their strength breaks something inside me that I’ve been holding together with frayed threads.
I let go. Months—no, years—of grief, guilt, and anger come flooding out, ripping through me in a storm of sobs and shaking breaths. For Hannah’s sake, for Xed’s, I’ve held it all in, shoved it deep down where no one could see. But now it’s too much. I can’t keep carrying it on my own.
Mom’s hand strokes my back while Jenna’s grip tightens like she’s afraid I’ll fall apart completely. I feel like I already have.
“You’re not alone, Matty,” Mom whispers, but I feel alone.
I feel hollow. Because the one person who’s always been there for me—who’s always understood me—isn’t here. And it’s my fault.
“What do I do?” I sob, trying to get my blubbering under control when the woman in the next booth leaves with a huff. “I don’t know how to fix this. Xed hates me.”
Jenna shakes her head quickly. “No, he doesn’t. He asks about you all the time. I thought he was just being a worrywart. He still cares about you, bro.”
Wiping my face with my hand, I pull away and blink at her through watery eyes. “He… he ended things between us. Said he didn’t want to be my friend anymore because I didn’t know what I wanted.”
My sister’s gaze sharpens on me. “And do you now?”
Her question cuts deep. I shrug, swallowing hard against the lump rising in my throat. “I just want him,” I whisper. “I’ve always wanted him. I’ve just been…scared.”
“Of?”
That’s such a loaded question. “At first, it was the team in college and what they’d do to me if they knew. To us . And then it was how the world would treat Hannah, what would happen if I got kicked from the NFL. It’s not just myself I have to worry about.”
Jenna nods slowly, processing my answer as she sips her drink. “Let me ask you another question. Say the worst happens, and you lose your career over loving him. Then what?”
“Well,” I blow out a ragged breath, “I’d deal with it. It would be hard, but I’d...I’d have Xed.”
“Exactly," she says. "And isn’t that worth the risk? You can’t play football forever. Either age or injury will force you to quit, and then you just grow old, sad, and lonely. Wouldn’t you rather risk it all for the chance to have him at your side?”
Of course, I would. But s he’s not understanding what I’m trying to say, and it brings fresh tears of frustration to my eyes. “It’s not that simple, I’ve got to think about Hannah—"
“Oh, give it a damn rest, Matthew!” Mom’s hand thumps firmly against my back, jolting me in surprise. “Hannah will always be okay. She’s got me, your father, and your sister. All of your friends would go to war for that girl. You need to think about yourself for a change and do what makes you happy because being happy is what will ultimately make Hannah happy. Choose Xed. Tell him how you feel.”
“But I don’t know how!” The words burst out of me, louder than I meant, and I feel like a complete idiot for falling apart in the middle of a doughnut shop. “I don’t even know where to start.”
Jenna offers me her arm. “Well, first, let’s start with that snot bubble,” she says, grimacing when I wipe my nose on her sleeve. “And second, if you can’t say it, show it. Show him what he means to you.”
“Have you ever thought about talking to someone?” Mom asks suddenly, and I glance at her with a frown.
“Talking to who?”
She rolls her eyes, setting down her coffee mug with a thud. “A therapist, honey. You’ve been carrying these thoughts around for years, and it’s not getting better. I mean, I love you, but you can’t keep bottling everything up and hoping it’ll go away. It’s okay to need help, you know.”
With a sniffle, I lean back in my chair. “What, you think I’m broken or something?”
“No,” she says firmly. “I just want you to feel better. Maybe both you and Hannah should see someone.”
The words hit me like a brick, and I look down at my hands, tears springing to life again. “You think Hannah needs therapy?!”
Jenna sighs heavily, stuffing a napkin into my hand. “Therapy isn’t a bad word, dude. Everyone needs it sometimes, and it’s okay. You’ve both been through a lot, especially with the custody case, and I’m sure she’s feeling a lot of things just like you are. I can recommend someone.”
Swallowing hard, I wipe my eyes. “Yeah, well… maybe.”
The word tastes foreign, like hope dipped in fear, but it’s there .
Mom smiles softly as she ruffles my hair. “It’s not a weakness, choosing to face it instead of letting it drown you. It’s strength.”
I nod, not trusting myself to speak. For the first time in years, the idea of talking doesn’t feel like admitting defeat. Maybe it’s time to let someone else help carry some weight.
For both my daughter and myself.
Because if Xed is trying to be better for her—for us —then so can I.
No matter how long it takes.