44. Matty
Chapter forty-four
T his house feels too damn quiet. Too big.
Sitting on the couch, I stare blankly at the TV, not even paying attention to whatever sitcom has been running repeatedly for the last few hours. The laugh track feels like it’s mocking me, and it’s my punishment for being so damn hopeful, so I keep the volume up loud.
My phone sits on the coffee table, screen dark and silent. It’s been two days.
Two days since I stood in front of the world and said everything I’ve been too scared to say for years.
Two days since I let my heart hang out in the open like some desperate fool.
And Xed hasn’t said a word.
Leaning forward, I rest my elbows on my knees and drag a hand down my face. The only messages I’ve gotten are from reporters, teammates, Mom, Jenna, and my friends. All of them keep asking the same thing: What now?
I don’t have an answer. I’ve put everything out there. Everything . And the silence on the other end feels like a fucking brick to my chest .
Maybe I shouldn’t have done it. Maybe I should’ve kept my mouth shut, kept my feelings where they’ve always been—buried deep. Maybe this silence is his way of saying no .
The TV’s laugh track blares again, adding insult to injury, so I grab the remote and finally shut it off. My head falls against the cushion, and I stare at the ceiling, feeling completely lost. Missing my best friend so much it hurts.
Where do I go from here?
Was I too late?
A sharp knock at the door cuts through the silence, startling me. I freeze, heart pounding as I prick my ears to listen.
Another knock echoes around the empty house, louder than the last.
Half-annoyed, I drag myself off the couch and head for the door, grumbling at the clock. It’s like nine-thirty. Who shows up at someone’s house so late?
The moment I swing it open, I’m hit with a sight so ridiculous that, for a second, I think I’m hallucinating.
Because there he is. Xed. Man of my dreams. Standing on my porch, cheeks red, hair a mess, and holding… a duck.
An actual fucking duck.
It flaps its wings and lets out a loud, irritated quack like it’s just as confused about being here as I am.
“What—" My voice catches, and I stare at him, blinking like maybe the duck will disappear if I look hard enough. “What the hell are you doing here? And what is that?” I point at the duck because, honestly, what the fuck?
“It’s a duck,” Xed says like that explains anything. His tone is flat, but there’s a flicker of uncertainty in his eyes. “Obviously. ”
“No, I mean—" I rub my eyes, still in disbelief. “Why are you holding a duck at my front door, Xed?”
He shuffles his feet awkwardly, looking down at the duck like it’ll explain everything. “It’s… a peace offering.”
“A duck is your peace offering?”
“Well, yeah.” He frowns like I’m the weird one. “You like ducks.”
I gaze at him for several quiet seconds. “Yeah, when I was a kid.”
He shrugs, holding the duck out toward me. “So? I figured it’d make you happy. Or distract you. Or… I don’t know.”
He trails off, and for the first time, I see it. The anxiety. The nerves.
The fact that he’s scared, just like I am.
My chest tightens, and I have to swallow the lump rising in my throat as I step closer. “Xed. What are you doing here?”
He doesn’t answer right away. Instead, he shifts the duck to one arm, the other running through his hair. Finally, he looks at me, his voice barely above a whisper. “I couldn’t ignore it. I couldn’t ignore you .”
My heart stutters and our gazes lock as the breath leaves my lungs. For a moment, all that exists is us—him, my best friend, studying my face like he’s afraid he’ll forget it if he doesn’t map every feature. I do the same, soaking in those gold-flecked eyes I love so much and the slight tilt of his lips. Lips I’ve gone way too long without kissing.
Just as I step forward, intent on claiming his mouth, an indignant quack shatters the bubble between us.
“We need to talk,” he says hoarsely, blinking as if dazed. I nod, moving aside to let him pass.
“Yeah, okay. Come inside. Bring the duck. ”
“Well, I’m not gonna leave him out here,” he mutters, sweeping his gaze around my entryway as he steps inside.
His eyes roam over the photos lining the walls—Hannah at school functions, her dance recitals from the past year, trips we’ve taken. There’s a family picture by the doorway to the living room, the one of us from high school with Jenna and my parents, and he lingers on it as he crouches to set the duck down. We watch as it waddles off to God knows where, its webbed toes slapping against the tile.
“How did you know where I live?” I ask, shoving my hands into my pockets to keep from touching him.
With a snort, Xed trails a finger along the wall. “I’ve always known where you live, Matty. You and Hannah.”
“Oh.” The admission throws me, and I don’t know what to do with it other than follow him as he moves further into the house. I don’t want to let him out of sight now that he’s finally here.
He pauses when we enter the living room, glancing around at the single couch and TV stand. “This place is…nice. Emptier than I expected.”
I reach up to tug at my hair with a sigh. “Val furnished the whole house on credit. I had to sell most of everything to pay the custody lawyers.”
“Hm.” He plants his hands on his hips, looking toward the stairs. “Is Hannah here?”
“No, she’s at her mom’s, but I’ll get her tomorrow.”
He nods absently, wandering into the kitchen, and I frown as he starts opening and closing cupboards.
“Is there a reason you’re going through everything?”
His movements falter when he tosses me a look over his shoulder. “Does it bother you? ”
“No. What’s mine is yours, Xed. But why are you doing it right now ?”
He pauses mid-motion, slowly closing a cabinet door. His shoulders sag, and he drops his head between his arms, leaning on the counter. “I’m just… stalling.”
“Yeah, I know.” Crossing the kitchen in two strides, I place a hand on his arm, gently turning him around. “Talk to me, Ducky. Tell me what you’re thinking.”
He blows out a shaky breath, glancing at the floor before looking back at me. “I saw what you said after your game. About loving me.”
I wait for him to go on, but he doesn’t. The silence stretches between us until I tilt my head nervously. “And?”
“But did you really mean it?“ he murmurs, chewing on his lip.
My breath catches as I grip his arms with both hands. “I meant every single word.”
He swallows hard, searching my face. “So… what does that mean, Matty? For us? What happens now?”
“I don’t know,” I admit honestly, sick of worrying about the future. From the corner of my eye, I see his jaw tighten, and I turn back to him with a steady gaze. “But I can tell you what I want to happen.”
He’s quiet for a moment, his expression unreadable. “Okay.”
“You are, and always have been, the best thing that’s ever happened to me. And then Hannah was born, and I couldn’t believe how lucky I was to have both of you in my life. We were a family, Xed.”
He scoffs. “Yeah, well—"
“Please,” I interrupt, holding his gaze. “Let me finish. I have a lot to say. ”
Instead of responding, he simply nods, fists clenching at his sides.
Licking my lips, I drop my gaze as I step back, needing some space. “The truth is… I didn’t hide my feelings for you because I didn’t care or because I didn’t want to be with you. It’s because I didn’t think I could be the man you needed.”
Xed’s brows pull together in confusion, his hand hovering near mine like he’s unsure if he should touch me, but he lets me speak.
“Valerie… she tore me down. Bit by bit, piece by piece, until there was nothing left. She made me feel like I wasn’t good enough. Not as a partner, not as a father, and definitely not as a man.”
My voice cracks, and I have to pause, crossing my arms to shield myself.
“She has this way of twisting everything,” I continue, my voice quieter now. “Every mistake I make, every doubt or insecurity, she uses it as proof that I’m weak or incompetent. And the worst part is… I started to believe her.”
Xed’s face hardens, anger flashing in his eyes. “Matty—"
“I started to think that maybe she was right. That maybe you’d look at me the same way she did, like I was nothing. And I couldn’t stand the thought of losing you, Xed. So I pushed it all down. Buried it. Convinced myself that keeping quiet was the only way to keep you in my life.”
His hand finally finds mine, our pinkies curling together, and I let his touch keep me in the moment.
“I didn’t want to mess up what we had,” I whisper. “You’ve always been my safe place, Xed. The one person who sees me for who I really am. And I didn’t want to risk losing that by letting you see all the broken parts of me. ”
Xed squeezes my pinky tightly. “You’re not broken, Matty. And you never have to be perfect for me.”
The tears I’ve been holding back finally spill onto my cheeks. “I’m trying, Ducky. I’m trying to believe that. But it’s hard, you know? It’s hard to let go of the things she said, the things she made me feel, but I’ve…I’ve been seeing a therapist, and we’re working through it.”
He looks away momentarily, staring over my shoulder like he’s wrestling with something. When his gaze meets mine again, a heaviness in his eyes makes my chest ache.
“I know how you feel,” he says quietly.
My brows furrow, and I tilt my head, blinking away tears. “You mean…?”
“Aunt Pearl.” He lets out a bitter laugh, shaking his head. “She did the same to me. Maybe not like Valerie did to you, but… God, Matty, she made me feel like shit, like I was worthless. Like I wasn’t good enough for anyone to love.”
“But I’ve always loved you,” I whisper, bringing his palm to my jaw. “My parents have always loved you.”
“She used to call me ugly,” he murmurs, fingers flexing on my skin. “Good for nothing, could never do anything right. A face not even a mother could love because mine kicked me to the curb moments after birth.”
“Xed,” I whisper, throat like sandpaper from holding back the sobs.
He shakes his head, cutting me off. “And then you chose Valerie.”
My stomach drops at the anger swirling in his dark eyes .
“You chose her,” he says again, his voice trembling now. “You picked her over me, and all I could think was, She’s right. Pearl was fucking right. Even Matty doesn’t want me. ”
“Xed, that’s not—"
“You don’t get it,” he snaps, pulling his hand away to rake it through his hair. “You were the only person who ever made me feel like I was enough. Like I mattered. And then you chose someone who made you feel how Pearl made me feel? Do you know what that does to me, Matty?”
“I didn’t know,” I say desperately, reaching for him. “I didn’t realize—"
“Of course you didn’t.” He starts to pace, itching at his arms under his sleeves. “Because I never said anything. I just… I let it fester. Let it eat away at me because I didn’t think you’d care. Hell, I convinced myself you were happier without me.”
Stepping toward him, I gently grab his wrist to stop the scratching. “Xed, I was never happier without you. I was miserable. I just… I didn’t know how to fix it. I didn’t know how to face you after everything.”
He stops pacing, turning to face me incredulously. “You don’t get to use that as an excuse, Matty. You don’t get to break my heart and then act like it didn’t happen.”
“I’m not excusing it,” I tell him firmly. “I’m owning it. I messed up, Xed. I messed up so badly, and I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but…”
“But what?” he prompts roughly.
Moving closer, I give in and wrap my arms around his waist, pulling him against me. “But I’m in love with you. I’ve always been in love with you, and I don’t want to keep running from it. From us . If you can give me one more chance, if you can try , I’ll spend the rest of my life proving to you that Pearl was wrong. That Valerie was wrong. That you are enough. For me, for Hannah, for everything.”
Xed’s chest rises and falls with uneven breaths, his gaze searching mine. For what, I don’t know, but I stand there, waiting, hoping, praying that he’ll let me in again.
Please. I’m sorry. We can heal.
Do you promise? Can we come back from this?
I promise we can try.
Our silent conversation continues until, somewhere in the distance, a duck’s quack breaks the tension.
I can’t help it. A snorting laugh crawls up my throat, causing me to bump his nose when I raise my hand to cough.
“You’re such an asshole,” he mutters, but his mouth twitches into a smile, his anger melting into something tender. “A big, clumsy asshole, Matty.”
“Yeah,” I agree, dipping my head until our lips softly brush. “But I’m your clumsy asshole, Ducky.”