45. Xed
Chapter forty-five
I had every intention of telling Matty off tonight.
The moment I boarded the plane to Phoenix, I was livid. My mind raced with reasons why he’d admit, in front of the entire world, that he was in love with a man. I tried to denounce it for the entire two-hour flight, make excuses, and poke holes in his story.
But then something my therapist said started rattling around in my head.
“Why do you feel you’re unworthy?”
The answer had been immediate. “Because Pearl told me so.”
“And where is she now?”
“Hell, probably.”
Dr. Hart had leaned back in her chair, a small smile tugging at her lips. “Let me try a different direction. Other than your aunt’s words, what is it about you that you feel isn’t worth love?”
I’d scoffed, slumping deeper into my seat. “Matty sure as shit didn’t think so, or he’d be here with me.”
“Hmm.” She’d tapped her chin thoughtfully. “Do you feel you deserve him?”
The question had blindsided me, and I’d reeled back in disbelief. “I mean…yeah. I’ve done everything for him. Done everything with him. Of course I deserve him.”
Dr. Hart had nodded, adjusting her glasses. “And do you think he feels he deserves you ?”
I hadn’t been able to answer.
She’d even assigned me homework—write down what I thought Matty deserved in my journal. I’d spent the entire weekend glaring at a blank page, the question gnawing at me.
And that’s when the answer hit. I can’t decide what Matty deserves. He’s got to figure that out for himself.
Things aren’t perfect. I’m still learning to cope with the shit life’s thrown at me, but maybe so is he. And maybe, for the first time, we’re finally in a place to hash it all out. Together.
Which is how I found myself standing at his front door with a fucking duck in my arms.
After that talk—that mind-blowing, life-changing breakthrough—we’re both stripped bare, with no walls between us. And the moment his lips crash against mine, I know I’m done running.
“I’m your clumsy asshole, Ducky.”
Yeah, he fucking is. He’s mine. And I’m never letting him go again.
“Missed you so goddamn much,” I mumble, backing him into the counter until he hits it with a soft thud. “So much, baby.”
“I’m so sorry,” he chokes out, fumbling with my jacket, shoving it off my shoulders in desperation.
I shut him up the only way I know how—by fucking my tongue into his mouth, stealing every apology before it can leave his lips.
“Shh, no more sorries. We’re done with that. ”
He kisses me back fervently as his hands slide down to grip my ass. When I growl low, he lifts me into his arms, and my legs instinctively wrap around his waist, locking him in place. His hard cock grinds against mine, a whimper leaving his throat.
“Xed, I can’t—" Matty carries me as far as the stairs before he drops to his knees, sitting me on the middle step as he reaches for my belt. “I can’t wait any longer, please. Let me touch you.”
Fuck, and it turns me on, the knowledge that I’ve reduced this mountain of a man into such a needy mess, pooling around my feet.
“I’m all yours, big guy.” Helping him out, I whip off my belt, lifting my ass to help him drag my pants off.
He eyes the imprint of my dick hungrily, licking his lips as his fingers curl into the waistband of my boxers. The material slides down my hips as he tugs it lower, but something flickers across his face before he stills.
“Wait, wait.” His gaze meets mine, sky blue and vulnerable. “Xed, are you… will you be my boyfriend?”
For a moment, I just stare, his uncertain expression rooting me to the spot. Then, like the first rays of sunlight breaking through clouds, something warm and light blooms in my chest. It spreads, unfurling up to my ears and down to my toes.
A laugh bursts out of me, bordering on hysterical before I grab the back of his neck and haul him up for a bruising kiss.
“Fucking finally ,“ I murmur, nipping at his bottom lip. “Yes, Matthew. I’ll be your boyfriend.”
“Thank God,” he groans, his hands sliding beneath my shirt as his mouth finds my jaw, leaving a trail of heat in its wake. “I just… wanted to make sure before we do this again. Always wanna be sure with you, Ducky. ”
He makes his way down my body, kissing every inch until, once again, he’s kneeling at my crotch. Looking up at me in question, he gives my boxers an experimental tug. I nod in permission, my breath catching when he slowly slides them down, releasing my rapidly filling cock.
It slaps against my stomach, and Matty groans, reaching out to take it in his hands.
“Did I ever tell you how much I love your dick?” he says, looking pleased when I moan as he presses his thumb beneath my foreskin.
“You may have mentioned it once or twice.”
“It’s so pretty, baby.” Leaning forward, he runs his nose along the seam of my groin, inhaling deep. “And you have the smoothest balls.”
“Matthew, seriously,” I grit through my teeth, already thrusting up into his hand because he’s just holding my cock and not jerking it. “Talk later.”
He laughs, throwing me a look hot enough to melt steel as he lowers his mouth to my shaft. His tongue darts out, flicking along the vein running up the side as he keeps his eyes on me.
“And I love the way you taste,” he whispers, kissing my tip. “The sounds you make, the way you twitch in my hands. I’m obsessed with you, Xed.”
Fuck .
“Please.” Moving my hips upward, I grab his wrist. “I’m begging, baby, please do something with it, Jesus Christ.”
Another grin lights up his face before he opens his mouth, and suddenly my cock is hitting the back of his throat.
“Oh shit, goddamn . ”
He swallows around me, sending a jolt of pleasure straight to my balls, and I grab onto his hair to push myself deeper.
Moaning, Matty reaches down to undo his own jeans, popping the button in one swift movement before shimmying them down his thighs.
“I’ve been wanting to do this for over a year,” he mutters, popping off my cock to touch his tip to mine.
“Yeah? You missed docking with me?”
“Fuck, I love this.” He watches, enraptured, as he rolls my foreskin over the head of his dick, jerking us together in tandem. “It feels so. Fucking. Good.”
Words are beyond me as I watch him stroke us roughly—the way his pupils dilate and his lips hang open, breathing unevenly.
Spitting into my palm, I wrap a hand around myself and help him out, getting the both of us slick enough that we glide along each other’s lengths easily.
Leaning down, Matty takes my mouth again, rolling his tongue against mine while our knuckles bump together, and he whimpers into my mouth after a few moments.
“It’s not enough,” he cries, pulling away from my lips to look down at our cocks. “It’s not enough, Ducky. I need to be closer.”
My blood simmers when I sit up, grabbing his arms to rotate our positions until he’s the one on the upper steps. “I got you, baby. Bend forward.”
He obeys, resting his elbows on the step above him. Lifting his shirt, I kiss down his spine, pausing when I get to his ass. Glancing up, I catch him watching me over his shoulder in a daze.
My gaze drops down to his hole when I spread his cheeks, and it clenches under my stare. It’s adorably pink, with the slightest dusting of blond hair. I didn’t get a chance to look at it before, but now I take my fill, wanting to see everything there is to see.
After a few silent seconds, it clenches again, and Matty lets out a shaky breath.
“W-why are you just staring at my asshole?”
“Because it’s cute,” I answer, smirking when he grimaces. “Yes, Matty, your asshole is cute. Now let me taste it.”
“Wait, what?”
Without giving myself too much time to think, I dive in face first, running my tongue up his crease.
He lets out a strangled shout, dropping his head to the stairs when I lick over his pucker, his hips bucking forward.
“Fuck, Xed, do that again, please?”
Giving him what he wants, I lap at his hole, loving the way he starts to grind against the stairs, back muscles rippling. Feral noises claw up his throat, whimpers and whines that spur me on, his taste on my tongue better than I’d ever imagined.
Because it’s him . My Matty, my big guy, my best fucking friend. The love of my life.
“I’m gonna…fuck, Xed, I’m going to come,” he mumbles, rubbing himself against the carpet.
For a split second, I debate letting him make a mess, but stairs are hard as fuck to clean, and he wants us closer. At the last second, I lift my head, grabbing his hips. “Flip over so I can suck you.”
He grunts, turning around to face me, his cock hard and leaking. I wrap my lips around it, meeting Matty’s blown-out gaze as I take him as far as I can manage, gagging when he hits my tonsils.
“Holy fuck,” he groans, cradling my head when I hollow my cheeks. “Your mouth is so soft.”
His legs start to shake right before salty bitterness floods my mouth, his thick cum layering my tongue. Gripping my jaw hard, he thrusts his hips through the orgasm, throwing his head back as he drains himself dry.
Once finished, he collapses onto the stairs, skin flushed and glowing. With his release still on my tongue, I press a palm to his chest, gesturing for him to lean back as I take one of his legs and throw it over my shoulder.
Gripping my cock, I spit his cum onto it, slicking myself up before positioning myself at his softened hole. “This okay?”
He nods frantically, reaching for me as he spreads his thick thighs wider. “Please, Ducky. Just want to be together.”
“We’re always together, big guy. Forever.”
His breath catches, and just before I push inside, I catch the way his eyes water with tears before he blinks them away.
“Forever,” he agrees, leaning up to capture a kiss.
As our lips melt together, I slowly thrust forward, pausing when I feel some resistance. Giving him time to adjust, we kiss slowly, for once feeling like we have all the time in the world. After a few moments, his body lets me in, and I sink into him until my hips meet his ass, groaning at how good he feels.
Moving in and out slowly, I drop my gaze to where we’re connected, watching his hole stretch around my girth. My chest tightens, my throat clogging with emotions I swallow down as I witness us become as close as two people can ever get.
Someone’s phone buzzes at the bottom of the stairs, but I ignore it. My eyes clash with Matty’s when I see him watching me, lips swollen and red. Keeping our gazes locked, I wrap my fingers around his cock, gripping it possessively.
He whimpers, cupping the back of my neck, never breaking our wavelength.
I love you.
I love you, too.
I’m sorry.
You don’t need to be. Not anymore.
As he falls apart beneath me, I follow, just like I’ve always done. When we fall this time, we fall together, his cum spilling between us as I fill him completely, both reaching for each other at the same time.
His cheeks are wet when we collide, tears spilling over his lashes. It’s not until he swipes a thumb under my eye that I realize I’m crying, too. He crushes me to his chest, sobbing against my mouth, and I hold him just as tightly, wishing with all my might that I could take away the last few years. Take away the heartache, the loneliness, the miscommunication.
The anger.
The pain .
Matty kisses my throat, and I bury my face in his hair, one word echoing in my mind over and over until I can’t help but whisper it into his soft strands like a promise.
“ Finally, finally, finally.”