37. Chapter 34
Chapter 34
I miss her so much. I miss my Little Star, and I know that no matter what happens, I will never be her mother. I know what I did was right, but not a day goes by that I wish it had been someone else who had done it. Not a day goes by that I don’t wish I was there to hold my little girl. Now I’m nothing but the woman who gave her a bloodline. Another Immortal only interested in power. If only she knew how wrong that really was.
~Brenna Morvyn, letters to Vesta
Maeve
The afternoon sun glistens on the snow-covered ground. Darian’s breath comes out as a mist as we walk through the market with stomachs full of chocolate-covered caramels and quail legs and smoked fish on crackers. We’d tried a little bit of everything, but those were the stalls that we’d eaten our fill.
Now, we’re just wandering the market, and Darian pulls me into a small stall. It’s full of little carvings. Some are made from beautiful woods; others from soft stone. All of them are gorgeous and so intricate. He picks up a full-sized sparrow made from lindenwood that’s stained instead of painted, each feather a slightly different color. Only the eyes have been painted, and they shine in the afternoon sun.
Darian holds it up and watches the feathers shimmer in the light. “Lee’s always been fond of little birds. She may know nothing about them, but she loves to watch them flitter about and fight with each other over a berry or piece of string.”
I remember when Darian told me that Immortals didn’t understand love, and at that time, I’d believed him even if I hadn’t comprehended how it was possible. Now, while I’m watching him almost mourn his sister—who is still very much alive—just because she’s been gone, I can’t believe it.
Maybe Immortals, as a whole, don’t understand it, but Darian understands loving someone. Maybe he’s never experienced romantic love, but he knows what it feels like to miss someone so much it hurts. He doesn’t need Lee’s help or her powers, but he needs to see her. He needs to hear her voice.
Darian understands love.
“Someday, you’re going to meet a pretty woman and she’s going to convince you to marry her, you big softie.”
The near teary-eyed look turns into a smile. “My dear Maeve, no woman will ever be able to catch me. I’m like the birds my sister likes so much. Free to flit from one pretty branch to the next with no need to stay in a single tree for the rest of my immortal life. Why would a bird choose to clip his own wings?”
“But what if you found the prettiest tree you’d ever seen? And you could bring that tree with you everywhere you went? Then, you could always sit in the best tree. Even in the middle of a desert or on an island.”
He smiles for a moment and then the smile disappears. “But what happens if someone kills that tree and you’ll never be able to sit in another one again?”
That’s the real question, isn’t it? What happens if Cole dies? What happens to Cole if I do? There is no till death do us part for soul bonds, and after one is broken, there’s no real way to live out the rest of life with any semblance of happiness.
There will always be a hole in my soul if Cole dies. I won’t be able to repair it. No one will be able to fix the constant ache inside my mental landscape. I’ll be stuck with that pain forever.
“I don’t have an answer for that,” I say, looking down at the ground, the fear becoming palpable. I’ve come to terms with the fact that people die, and I can’t save them all. I’ve accepted that in war, there are casualties, and they all hurt, and the pain I’m going to feel is going to be terrible. I can experience that pain and let it go.
But not him. Not Cole. Especially if I permanently tie my soul to his, something I’ve considered every day since I woke up.
He saved my life. He gave me the strength to keep going and to heal myself. He has always been there. But if I were to turn a betrothal into a marriage, I’d never recover from his death, and he wouldn’t recover from mine. Here, at the end of it all, when we’re staring the final battle down, do we want to guarantee that if one of us dies, the other will be miserable forever ?
Most Immortals wouldn’t do that. Before me, Cole wouldn’t have. But… they don’t understand love.
I look at Darian, who’s staring at me with a peculiar look in his eyes. “Are you glad you have Lee?” I ask. It’s a heartless question, dragging his pain into the light and making him think about it. “You two may not be bound like married Immortals, but you’re bound. You hurt because she’s away. You’re miserable just because you can’t see her, and I know there’s a difference, but…”
“…but it’s similar,” he responds, his voice tight. “I know it is. Lee and I have always known that being twins is a bond almost as strong as the marriage bond. If she dies, I won’t ever really get over that.” He pauses for a moment, his mind obviously going elsewhere. Then he finishes, “I’d never want my tie to Lee to go away. I wouldn’t want to get over her death if it came to that.”
I nod to him. I understand exactly what he’s saying. I’ve accepted so many people’s deaths. So many people that I cared about, and when I think back on them, there’s a tinge of sadness. But there’s also this well of happiness. Each brief moment we spent together is a happy memory, while only their death brings tears. When I think about steamed fish, I can’t help but remember the time that Da taught Rivertail to cook it. When I see a net, the memory of Bog trying to catch a bird with one immediately pops into my mind.
It's only if I linger on them for too long that I remember anything sad.
But Cole is different, and that difference terrifies me.
Darian has to know that I’m considering the idea of the marriage bond, of fulfilling our betrothal, but he doesn’t ask me about it. Instead, he looks at the sparrow and smiles. “You know, I appreciate you getting me out of my room. It’s been… hard having Lee gone. You were asleep for so long, and Cole was in his own misery. I don’t think I’ve ever felt as lonely as I have these past two months. It…”
I stop him with a smile. “It’s been my pleasure to eat new food and shop for oddities with you. I promise that I understand loneliness. I’ve been alone for most of my life, and if you ever just need someone to be around, don’t hesitate to ask me. You and Lee are my friends. My only friends.” There’s that tinge of pain. “If you ever need anything, please just tell me.”
He gives me that disarming smile I’m sure is half the reason he “flits from one branch to the next” so easily. “I’ll hold you to that. But for now, I have an idea. Since my dear sister has been gone for so long, I think it’s only fair that we leave her a… surprise .”
I arch an eyebrow. “What kind of surprise?”
“The kind that ends with her yelling at me and the two of us laughing until we fall over.”
Oh. It’s better her than me. “I don’t know if I’m the best person to help you play a trick on your sister.”
“You’re the perfect person. I just need someone to tell me if I’m going too far. Would you laugh and be annoyed, or would you be angry? That’s the question I need answered. Normally, I ask Lee, but since she’s the target, I don’t think that will work so well.”
I chuckle and shake my head. “She’s your sister. I’m sure that she’s used to your antics, so if she’s not expecting something like this, then maybe it’s the perfect way to remind her you’ve been thinking of her.”
He nods, a sparkle in his eye for the first time since the day she left Stormhaven for Draenyth. “Exactly.”
That’s when I realize that if he didn’t plan something like this, Lee would be more surprised. She knows her brother. She knows that doing silly things instead of dealing with emotional issues is his natural response.
This really is his way of saying that he’s missed her and was thinking about her. This crazy, very Darian, decision to play a joke on his sister after she’s been on the most dangerous mission of her life is exactly what will make her smile because she knows where it comes from. The bond doesn’t run just one way.
“We’re going to need a chicken leg, a piece of twine, a dollop of honey, and a chamber pot…”
And I suddenly know how I feel about the possibility of Cole and my marriage bond.