Chapter 25
Rummy
Jessiah’s lips crashed against mine with an intensity I didn’t know he was capable of.
Hungry.
Needy.
Seeking.
As he captured my mouth, he pulled me to his chest.
And goddess above, I kissed him back. It was a bad fucking idea, but my every instinct told me to kiss him back. To let him in. To open up.
I’ll have you. I’ll have you. I’ll have you.
It was what I wanted, wasn’t it? To be seen, by him, like I was something more than broken? For him to no longer see a piece of trash fae living in the ruins of Scarlata, feeding off of everyone else when he looked at me?
I wanted him to see me. To truly see me and not run away.
And here he was.
He licked at the seam of my lips, coaxing them apart, then swept his tongue against mine. His hands remained on either side of my face, holding me steady, imbuing me with strength.
He guided me back gently, step by step, until I was pressed against the solid rock wall of the cave.
I gasped against him, and he swallowed the sound with another kiss, encapsulating me in his arms.
Jessiah. Jessiah. Jessiah.
My hands found his waist, and I tugged his body closer, demanding more.
In response, he deepened our kiss like it was the last thing on earth worth living for, like he would end it all, forget it all, if it meant more time with me. Kissing me.
I’ll have you.
He pulled away for a second, breaking our kiss, and wiped my tears away with his thumbs. Though the caves were dark, I could see the way he searched my eyes, desperate.
For a second, I caught a glimpse of the old Jessiah. The Jessiah who would give it all up for me. Who would protect me. Who saw me.
He had been so soft before. So pure. I was the one who’d ruined that by building a giant wall between us. I was the one who darkened his heart, who stole that light.
But here in this dark, dank cave, buried beneath the doubt and uncertainty, that light flickered back to life.
“Tell me you’ll let me in.” He murmured the words against my lips. “Tell me you’ll let me help you.”
As he angled back, assessing me, my knees shook. My legs weakened. I opened my mouth to reply, to say, Yes, please fucking help me. I’ve needed help for so damn long.
But the words wouldn’t come. Instead, I was racked by a pitiful, wretched sob. The sound pierced the air around us, shattering the silence inside the cave.
I hated crying. It made me feel so damn weak.
And the last thing I wanted was to be seen as weak.
But Jessiah did not back away. He did not look at me with pity or shame or disgust. With compassion and genuine care in his eyes, he wiped my wet cheeks one more time. Then he lowered his mouth to mine once more.
This kiss was different. Softer.
He brushed his lips against mine gently, an unspoken promise. A vow to be there for me. That I could trust him.
Goddess above, I wanted to trust him. I wanted to let him in.
So, instead of giving in to my fears and pulling away, I snaked an arm around his neck and lifted up on my toes, pressing my body to his.
He wrapped both arms around my waist and stood to his full height, bringing me with him, lifting me off the ground.
The heat from his chest warmed me, even through our clothes. His massive wings sharpened, crisp and ready, pristine in the darkness of the caves.
We kissed like that for a long while instead of speaking. It was the best I could do for now, but every time his tongue tangled with mine, he told me he understood.
It was my strongest yes. My most desperate plea.
Help me. Help me. Help me.
When he finally returned me to my feet, with messy hair and swollen lips, I almost felt…lighter.
But then I looked in his eyes. In his hope-filled, giddy-as-all-hells eyes. The eyes that were too soft. Too kind.
Too easy for me to break.
And I remembered why I’d worked so hard to push him away. I remembered what was at stake here. What the cost of my curse was.
I wouldn’t hurt him. I wouldn’t let myself.
So instead of leaning into his touch again, instead of giving in to everything I so desperately craved, I lowered my head and stepped back. “I can’t do this, Jessiah.”
His eyes glazed over. “You can’t do what?”
“This. Whatever this is.”
It took him a second to answer, both of us standing with heavy breaths in the cool, dark caves. “Don’t do that. Don’t act like you can just throw this away like nothing happened. Don’t do this again, Rummy.”
“You don’t understand.”
“What exactly do I have to understand, then? What is it that you’re so afraid of?”
Hurting you. Killing you like I killed my mother. “You and I don’t work, Jessiah. We’ll never work. You’re a damn angel, and I’m a nobody. You’ve said so yourself.”
His jaw clenched, and with a broken voice, one single word slipped out. “Stop.”
Before I could change my mind, I walked over to my horse and jumped on the saddle.
“I’m sorry,” I sighed. “You know the truth about me now. You know about the magic I’ve been trying to hide my entire life, but that doesn’t change anything between us.
” I kept my eyes forward so I didn’t have to look at the emotion I knew would be all over his face. “Let’s just go.”
With that, I choked down a sob.
And guided my horse out of the Whispering Caves.
Xavier and I stomped through the woods around us, gathering all the spare wood we could find for the fire. “I always knew there was something special about you,” he started. “I could always sense it.”
“Oh, could you?” My boots crunched over the forest terrain below us. “You somehow knew I was carrying around this horrible death magic?”
Xavier shook his head but kept walking. “Don’t be so hard on yourself. You’ve never even tried to learn the limits of your power. One bad accident doesn’t mean your power is only good for death.”
“Trust me, I’m pretty certain.”
We spent the next couple minutes gathering the wood in silence. I wasn’t interested in explaining to them why I was certain my magic was, in fact, a curse. I certainly wasn’t going to explain what happened—what almost happened—between me and Jessiah years ago.
Some truths were too disgusting to admit. Even to myself.
So instead, I breathed the cool night air of the forest around us, and tried not to think about whatever freak creatures were probably lurking out in the darkness.
“Whatever you say, Rum,” Xavier sighed as we turned back toward our camp. When I looked at him, his eyes were serious for once. Dark. “All I’m saying is that I’ve known you a while now, and if I thought you were capable of anything truly evil, I would tell you.”
I clenched my jaw, fighting the urge to bite my inner cheek. I couldn’t have formed words even if I wanted to, this conversation was suddenly getting much too personal.
He had taken it well when we explained what happened in those damn caves.
But now he was seeing me. Looking at me—into me. Like the mask I had worn all these years was suddenly yanked from my face.
This was Xavier—one of my only friends in Scarlata. Yet the way he looked at me…
Shame. I felt only shame.
“Let’s get back before Jessiah does something stupid,” I muttered. “The faster we get to sleep, the faster we get moving in the morning.”
It wasn’t like I wanted to get back to Jessiah, but I had to face him at some point. We were stuck in this journey together, awkward tension and massive regrets aside.
Yes, regrets.
I shouldn’t have kissed him. I shouldn’t have let him get close to me. Not again.
He thought he knew me… he thought he saw me… but he only saw part of the truth. He didn’t know how eternally cursed I really was.
“There you are.” Jessiah finished untying the saddle bag from the last horse as we emerged from the forest’s cover. “I was starting to wonder if you two had run off.”
Xavier laughed and stepped in front of me, dropping his collection of wood in the center of our clearing. “And have all the fun without you? I don’t think so, Commander. We’re in this together now.” He looked at me, too. “All of us.”
“Let’s just get tonight over with,” Jessiah sighed, clearly avoiding even glancing in my direction. “Shall we?”
I moved to drop my logs in the same pile as Xavier, who gave me the biggest what the fuck look I’d ever seen.
But I was tired of explaining all the reasons Jessiah and I couldn’t be together. I was tired of pretending like I was anything other than fucking toxic.
I was just so damn tired.
So a few minutes later, when I curled up on the ground beside the warming fire, my eyes fluttered closed.
And I didn’t even try to fight the sleep that came.
It wasn’t until hours later that I heard Xavier scream.