Chapter 11
Chapter
Eleven
NIKOLAI
A va’s words don’t make any sense.
“You’ve come to save me,” I say.
“Yes.” She steps forward, her blonde hair giving her a halo in the fluorescent light. She looks out of place in this room of blood and torture.
“You don’t belong her.” I look at Maxim. “You fucking bastard. You just couldn’t leave her alone, could you?”
“She came here. She wanted to talk.”
“Can I speak to my husband alone?”
Maxim gazes at her for a moment—too long of a moment. Then he leaves, shutting the door behind him.
“You shouldn’t be here,” I growl. “I will kill Maxim for taking you. For using you against me.”
Her eyes take me in. I know what she must see: my skin flayed away in some places, cuts so deep you can almost see bone, blood everywhere.
Maxim kept me alive, though. I’m nowhere near death, and yet it feels like it has already taken me.
“I came here myself,” Ava says. “Maxim didn’t kidnap me. He’s not using me against you. I meant what I said, Nikolai. I’ve come here to save you.”
I scoff. “No one can save me. Maxim won’t just let me walk out through that front door. You wasted your time. And now, you’re in a house full of fucking bikers who’ll hurt you. You should be back home, safe.”
She crosses her arms. “Locked up, you mean?”
“Yes.” No use pretending anything otherwise.
“I don’t even know why I bothered,” she mutters to herself. “Nikolai, I really did come here to help. But if you don’t want it, I’ll leave right now. Maxim won’t hurt me. He’s made that very clear. I’ll just walk out that door and leave you to die in here. I’ll start my life somewhere else. Maybe with someone else.”
I jerk upright. “You’re mine. Forever.”
“Not if you’re dead. Even you can’t control me from your grave.”
I slump back down, my hands above my head preventing me from truly relaxing. I’ve lost all sensation in my fingers at this point, which I know isn’t good.
“Just leave now,” I say. “I don’t want you to get hurt.”
Her eyes soften slightly. “Do you actually care if I’m hurt or not?”
“Of course. I don’t want to see you die. Get tortured like me. You don’t deserve it.” I don’t deserve you .
“Nikolai,” she says, sighing, “Maxim still wants peace. He’ll let you go if you can promise that.”
I scoff. “He would never offer peace. He wants me dead.”
“He knows that if he does kill you, he’ll have a new host of problems on his hands. It’s easier to make peace than create more war. He’ll let you go, Nikolai. You just have to promise peace.”
“And why would I do that? I wanted The Knights dead. I still do.”
Slowly, she reaches out and touches my face. I flinch, but she doesn’t remove her hand. “They really hurt you,” she says in a quiet voice.
I don’t say a word as I watch her. Her beauty. Her light. God, she’s fucking perfect.
“Just go, Ava. Before they hurt you.”
Determination fills her eyes as she draws her hand back. It’s covered in blood. “Nikolai, just listen to me. Please. Listen to the words I’m saying. Maxim will give you peace if you agree to not attack him. You don’t have to work together. Just make a pact to leave each other alone.”
“And why would he think I would go for that?”
“Because I’m asking.”
I look at Ava more closely. There’s an honesty to her expression. She means what she says, but the question is—does Maxim?
“Why do you even want to help me?” I ask. “You could be long gone by now.”
“I was going to leave. Dimitri told me Maxim had taken you, and my first thought was that this was my chance. So, I went to the train station and was about to get a ticket for New Haven when …”
“When what?”
“When I knew I couldn’t just do nothing. I had to help. You’ve ruined my life. I have no idea why I’m helping you. I just knew I had to help.”
“If I walk out this door, you know what that means, don’t you? That you’ll belong to me forever. That I won’t let you go.”
She inhales deeply and lets it out slowly. “Yes. I do know that. But you’re the devil I know. And I know there’s one thing I can trust you for. You won’t physically hurt me. That’s more than I can say for a lot of the men in my life. Even if you die, too many people know I’m your wife. They could try to hurt me. You’re the only one truly protecting me.” She pauses. “Even though you’re the one who put me in this position in the first place.”
Ava doesn’t sugarcoat it. She isn’t helping me because she loves me. That’s a laughable idea. Ava will never be able to love me because I’m not a man people love.
She’s helping me because it’s the practical thing to do.
“I’m a little impressed,” I admit. “You really came here on your own to save me?”
“I did.”
“No one has ever done this for me before.”
She looks at the ground for a moment, and I’m desperate to know what’s going on in her head. Then she nods and meets my gaze again. “Nikolai, let me get you out of here. You just have to promise peace with Maxim.”
“That’s not an easy ask.”
“Why isn’t it?”
“Because …”
She raises an eyebrow. “Because?”
“Because I don’t like The Knights. It’s that simple.”
“Honestly, that’s a shitty excuse.”
“Excuse me?”
“You heard me. Nikolai, I’ve had to work with people I don’t like before. At school. On projects. But I managed.”
I shift around, my cuffs clanking against each other. “I think this is a little bit more than just a school project.”
“You’re right. It is. Lives are at stake. Your life. Even my life. Maxim won’t hurt me. I believe him. But some other man might. Because of you. Because you refuse to make peace. Just make peace, Nikolai. If you make peace, then maybe— just maybe —you’ll be the kind of man I could …”
“Could what?”
Her eyes tell me everything. Could Ava ever love me? Not if I don’t make peace.
And the truth is—I want to get out of this fucking place. I put on a hard exterior, but I want to feel safe just as much as the next person.
I want Ava to be safe.
Before her, my actions only ever affected me. Now I have her to think about. That’s what a good husband would do.
“All right,” I finally say. “I’ll make peace.”
She gasps. “You will?”
“Yes.”
“You mean it?”
I sigh. She already knows me so well. “Yes, I mean it.”
She hurries to the door and frantically knocks on it. Maxim opens and steps inside. “Nikolai has something to say.”
Maxim turns to me, arms crossed, expression doubtful. I have to be the one to take the first step because I’m the one who attacked first.
“I’ll make a deal with you,” I say to Maxim. “I’ll leave you alone if you leave me alone.”
“No more killing my men?”
“No more killing your men. I mean it.” I look at Ava. “I know what’s at stake.”
Maxim nods once. “I’m gonna need you to put this deal in writing. Just for insurance purposes. Then I’ll let you go. I don’t delight in this.” He motions to my body and all the torture it has endured. “Just know that. I’m not a monster.”
“Keep telling yourself that. Maybe one day you’ll actually believe it.”
He frowns. “Let’s just make this deal before you piss me off even more.”
AVA
Colin and Sal watch us with wide eyes as Nikolai and I leave the torture room.
“You’re actually letting him go?” Sal asks.
Maxim nods, his face not quite happy but not unhappy either. “I am. He’s promised us peace.” He turns to Nikolai. “But if you come after us again, I swear to fucking god, I will kill you.”
“Or I’ll kill you,” Nikolai threatens. I don’t think he’s in a condition to be doing that. He can barely walk as he shuffles to the front door.
“Did you mean it?” I ask once we get outside. “The deal you made with Maxim?”
“I meant it.” He doesn’t offer up anything else, and I don’t push for more.
“I don’t have a car with me. We’ll have to take the subway back to your house.”
“Our house.”
I pause. Is Nikolai’s house truly mine now? It is if I want it to be.
“Do you need to go to the hospital?” I ask, not commenting on his words.
“No.”
“Nikolai, you can barely stay upright.”
He sways on his feet and stumbles. I catch him just in time so he doesn’t fall. When he winces and pulls away from me, I realize he’s in more pain than he’s letting on.
“Let me help you,” I say.
“You already helped enough.” He starts shuffling down the sidewalk.
“Are you angry with me? I just saved your life!”
“Yes, I am angry with you. You put yourself in danger, Ava. I’ll never be happy with you when you do that.”
“Why? Because you care about me?”
He looks me straight in the eye. “I do.”
My inhale is sharp and quick. I just thought I was a possession to Nikolai. But if he actually cares …
No. I can’t wonder what that means. Because if I wonder what that means, then I’ll have to admit to my feelings, and I’m still confused on what those feelings are.
“You can’t be angry with me for saving your life,” I say, brushing past him.
He grabs my arm, then immediately lets me go as he sways on his feet. “I can be angry. You could have been hurt. I will not apologize for that.”
I sigh. “Nikolai, you’re hurt. We shouldn’t be arguing right now. Let’s just get you home, ok?”
It’s clear by his stern expression that he wants to object, but he nods instead. “All right.”
“Here.” I lift his arm and sling it over my shoulder. “Let me help.”
“I don’t need help.” He pulls away from me and them promptly doubles over, groaning.
“Nikolai? Nik?” I hover over him, unsure of whether to touch him or not.
He takes in a deep breath and stands back up. “I’m fine.”
“Let me help you. Please.”
“Why do you even want to? You should hate me.”
“I do hate you.”
He smiles slightly. “You don’t hold back, do you?”
“I’ve learned I don’t need to be afraid of you. You could have hurt me many times by now, and you haven’t. Now, that doesn’t win you any medals. It’s just an observation. But it means I know I can say what’s on my mind. And I’m going to. I won’t let you take away my agency either.”
“Fair enough,” he grunts.
“But if I’m being honest …” I take in a large breath. “I just don’t hate you. I’m not sure why. But I want to help you, so let me help you.”
He stares at me for a long moment before sliding his arm over my shoulders. I can tell he’s not setting much of his weight onto me, but I appreciate the little bit that he gives. Maybe this means we can start to trust each other. Both of us.
Nikolai and I hobble to the subway where people give us strange looks. Everyone keeps their distance—whether it’s because of the blood dripping off Nikolai or his glares, I don’t know.
After a long journey back to the house, we finally make it.
“Where are your guards?” I ask, remembering they didn’t follow me when I first left.
“Probably out looking for me right now. I’ll have to let them know I’m all right.”
“First, sleep.”
“I can’t sleep.”
We stumble through the front door. Edmund rushes to Nikolai’s side. “What happened? What can I do?”
“He needs his wounds looked at. And he needs rest. Help me upstairs with him.”
“I’m not a complete invalid,” Nikolai grumbles. “I can walk.” He pulls away from me and tries heading up the stairs … and them promptly trips on one of the steps and lands on his knees.
“Help him,” I whisper to Edmund. He nods and doesn’t ask any questions. It’s part of his job, after all.
Nikolai doesn’t put up a fight as Edmund helps him upstairs. Mrs. Brown meets us on the landing, frantically flittering around Nikolai.
“Oh, dear. What happened?”
“Grab towels,” I instruct. “And a first aid kit.” I stop Mrs. Brown before she can leave as Edmund walks Nikolai down the hallway. “And call for a doctor. Nikolai doesn’t think he needs one, but he does.”
“Understood,” she whispers back then hurries away.
When I turn around, I don’t see Edmund or Nikolai. What I do see is the door to Nikolai’s bedroom. It’s open.
I hesitate for a minute outside of it. He didn’t want me coming in before. Well, I don’t think it fully matters what Nikolai wants. I’m tired of bending to his rules. If it weren’t for me, he’d be dead. He owes me.
I walk with confidence into the room and then stop. It’s just a normal bedroom. A bed with black sheets. Gray walls. A walk-in closet full of suits. An ensuite bathroom that looks a lot like the one in my room. It’s all so … plain.
So why didn’t Nikolai want me coming in here?
He’s on his bed, bent over, his elbows on his knees. Edmund is cutting the bloody shirt off him. Once it’s removed, I see everything Maxim did to him. All the cuts. All the scars that will be left behind. I wonder if all the scars will just remain physical or if Nikolai will face any trauma from this. He hasn’t opened up to me about any hardships he’s faced.
I’m starting to realize I want him to.
Mrs. Brown arrives with the first aid kit and a couple of towels. “Here you go.” She gasps when she sees Nikolai. “Oh … Mr. Petrov …”
“Get out,” he says, his head still tucked. “Just get out.”
The three of us head for the door, but I stop even as Edmund and Mrs. Brown leave.
“No,” I say, turning back to Nikolai. “I won’t leave. You need help. You need to clean your wounds. You won’t be able to reach them all by yourself.”
He slowly lifts his head and gives me such an intense look that I almost lose my nerve.
And then he nods—it’s barely imperceptible, but it’s there.
I shut the door on Edmund and Mrs. Brown, and the room plunges into darkness. After turning on a light, I sit next to Nikolai on the bed. It’s the first time we’ve ever been on a bed together. Because of the circumstances, I don’t feel nervous. This isn’t a sexual moment.
I grab an alcohol wipe from the first-aid kit and touch one of the cuts on his back. He hisses but doesn’t otherwise move. I place my hand on his back to steady me. He’s hot to the touch.
We’re quiet as I clean the blood off his back.
“Some of these will need stiches,” I finally say.
“Let them scar. I don’t care.”
I trace my fingers over an old scar across his shoulder blade. He shivers, and I’m not sure if that means he likes my touch or hates it. “Where did you get this one?”
“Some asshole stabbed me. Nothing else to tell.”
Finding another a scar on his lower back, I gently touch it. “This one?”
“Someone didn’t appreciate it when I came to collect money owed to me. A broken beer bottle. It was just a scratch.”
It doesn’t look like a scratch to me, but I don’t say that to him.
I place clean bandages over the cuts on his back so at least he’ll stop bleeding everywhere. Then I move around to stand before him. Awkwardly, I point at his chest. “I need to clean those, too.”
I reach my hand out to touch one of the cuts on his upper chest, but he grabs my wrist.
“I can do these myself.”
“I know you can.” I swallow hard. “But I want to help.”
His fingers splay around my wrist. They’re so large and strong. He could easily snap my wrist if he wanted.
After a moment, he lets go.
I sit back down on the bed and motion for him to angle his body toward me. Now that he can see me, I feel self-conscious tending to his wounds.
I can feel his heart beating fast as I cover a cut with a bandage over the area. “Are you nervous?” I whisper.
“No. Are you?”
“Yes.”
His eyes soften. “I don’t want you to be afraid of me.”
“So, then, why do you do things to make me afraid? Why did you lock me up?”
“Because I don’t want you to run anymore. I know it wasn’t a good thing to do. But I’m not?—”
“A good man,” I finish for him. “Trust me. I know. A good man would never have bought me.”
“It was the only way to get you.”
“Nik.” I’m not sure why I call him by that nickname. It’s so … intimate and yet it feels right. “You didn’t need to buy me to get me. You could have had any woman. All you needed to do was ask her out on a date. I’m sure a lot would have said yes.”
“You’re right. I could have. But I wanted you, and I saw an opportunity to take you. Was it wrong? Yes. Do I regret it? Not one bit.”
My hands tremble, and he catches them between his own. “Why do you do this to me?” I whisper. “Why do you make me feel things I shouldn’t be feeling?”
“I honestly don’t know.”
I force myself to meet his gaze. This is a moment to be brave, not afraid. “How did you get your scar? You never told me.”
“I trusted someone, and they betrayed me. There’s not much else to say beyond that.”
“I think there is.”
“I wish you weren’t so smart and observant sometimes.”
“You want me dumb and vapid?” I ask.
“Not at all.” He presses his thumb against my hand, finding a pulse point. “Your heart is beating fast.”
“So is yours. Are you sure you’re not nervous?”
He smiles slightly. “Only a little.”
The look we share is intense and sweet and like nothing we’ve ever shared before. It would be so easy to lean in and let him kiss me. He kissed me once before, but it was so sudden and fast that I barely got to experience it.
I shouldn’t want to experience those things with him.
And yet I do.
But Nikolai pulls back, releasing my hands. “Stand up.”
“Why?”
“I want to see you again.”
It dawns on me what he’s doing. The moment we were sharing something real, he pulls back. He wants me to get vulnerable so he doesn’t have to.
It’s not fair at all. But that’s Nikolai and what I’ve come to expect.
So, I stand up and slip my dress off me because I know he wants to see my naked body. For some reason, I want him to see me. I want him to see all of me like I want to see all of him.
I keep my bra and underwear on because I can’t get too vulnerable with him. I could lose myself to Nikolai, and it would hurt too much if he never returned the favor.
He stands up, covered in his cuts and blood and scars. I hold still, even as he skims his fingers against my stomach, and suck in a quick breath.
I watch his fingers lightly move from my stomach, up between my breasts, to my upper chest. Not once does he touch my breasts or between my legs.
Finally, he places his hand over my heart. “It’s still beating fast. Maybe faster.”
“I know.”
He drops his hand and steps away from me. “I haven’t said it yet, but … thank you. For helping me.”
“You’re welcome.” I don’t say anything snarky. I don’t want him to feel bad for thanking me. I want Nikolai to open up to me.
Because the truth is: I’m in in this marriage now.
When I chose not to go to New Haven, I made my choice to be with Nikolai. Maybe I have Stockholm syndrome. I’m not sure. But it doesn’t matter. Nikolai is the devil I know, and I would rather have the devil I know than one I don’t.
Nikolai can and will protect me against other dangerous men.
The only question is—will he protect my heart? Right now, I can feel my heart aching for him in a way it never has before. He’s not even aware of that fact. If he knew, would he open up to me? Would he let me in?
“Did you need anything else?” I ask after a long moment of silence, slipping my dress back on.
“I just need to rest.”
“I understand.” I start to walk to the door, then stop. “Nikolai, I just have one more question. Why didn’t you want me in your room before? There’s nothing really in here.”
“That’s exactly why. I don’t let people in, Ava. Ever. At least, not since …” He motions to his face. To his scar. “I wasn’t ready yet.”
“Are you ready now?”
There’s that small smile again. “You should go.”
Not surprising. He’s not ready, and I’m not sure if he’ll ever be. How can I accept Nikolai as my husband if he never opens up to me?
“You called me Nik,” he says as my hand touches the doorknob. I glance back at him. “Why did you call me Nik? No one calls me that.”
“It seemed right in the moment,” I answer honestly. “You know, you look nice when you smile. You should do it more often.” I hurry out of the room before he can say anything more. I’ve already put myself out there. Now, it’s Nikolai’s turn.
I close the door behind me and lean against it, breathing heavy. What just happened between us in there? The cold, stark wall between us melted a little.
I’m about to walk away when I hear it. Nikolai groaning in pain. I press my ear to the door and listen. It’s a violation of his privacy, but I think we’re past that.
The sounds coming out of him make the hairs on my body stand up. They’re cries. Screams. Groans and moans. He sounds more like a beast than a man.
What Nikolai went through with Maxim, I’ll never fully know unless he tells me, but it doesn’t take a genius to know it was bad. He’s holding onto a lot of things. So am I. I still haven’t been able to get my mom and what happened to her body off my mind.
We both have baggage.
His cries are scary and intimidating. They’re raw and wild. It’s like how I’ve felt since losing my mom, but I just haven’t been able to fully let it out yet.
As I listen to him cry, I feel closer to him than I ever have before. I don’t go in there and check on him. He wouldn’t appreciate it.
So, I just listen and silently let him know I’m here. I hope one day he’ll do the same for me.