Chapter 12
Chapter
Twelve
NIKOLAI
A nton smiles down at me as he carves the knife into my face. I try to fight it, but the pain is immeasurable. Never before have I felt this weak. It hurts more than anything—the knowledge that I’m only a man. I’m supposed to be the great Nikolai Petrov, feared across New York City.
Instead, I’m just a man getting his face carved into like a fucking pumpkin.
I wake up in a cold sweat.
My body is sore and bruised everywhere from what Maxim did to me. I struggled to fall asleep on my back last night since Maxim cut into me there. He also cut into my chest, my arms, the sides of my body.
And when I dreamed, it was of Anton.
I haven’t thought about him in a long time, but ever since marrying Ava, he’s been in my thoughts more and more. I left him for dead. He’s not a problem. I’m past that.
And yet, I can’t shake him.
Walking to the bathroom is a struggle. I pride myself on being the strongest I can be, but right now, I’m not even close to that.
The worst part of it all was that Ava had to see me like this. Weak and pathetic. She even cleaned my own wounds for me. I’m a grown man, and I couldn’t do it. I’m a grown man and I’m having nightmares like a little kid. Fuck.
I lean against the bathroom counter, bowing my head. The sight of my scar only brings back Anton memories, and I would rather forget about him.
I take a long look down at my body. There are ten bandages strewn across my chest. And that’s not counting my back. Slowly, I peel one off that’s above my heart and look at the jagged cut. This is all Maxim’s fault, and I can’t even get my revenge because I promised Ava I would make peace.
Does she really have that much of a hold on me that she can sway my mind? Before her, I would’ve said no. That no woman or man would ever hold that much power over me.
But Ava is starting to. It makes me angry and elated and aroused, but it also makes me want to grab her and kiss her like I’d die without her.
The moment Ava and I shared last night was the closest we’ve ever gotten. For once, I could see her look at me with softness instead of anger or pain.
But we can’t let that happen again. I cannot allow myself to trust someone else and risk them breaking me like Anton did. While Ava would never physically hurt me the way Anton did, she does have another weapon up her sleeve Anton never had—one to my heart.
Fuck, I’m turning into a pathetic loser.
I rip all the bandages off me, get into a hot shower, and let the steam sting away my feelings.
There’s no space in my life for feelings. They’re just wasted mental space.
AVA
“I’ll admit,” Claude says, setting a plate of French toast and scrambled eggs before me, “you were pretty brave to save Mr. Petrov the way you did.”
“Was that a compliment, Claude?”
He immediately scowls. “No. Now, eat your breakfast.”
For once, I eat every bite.
I feel good after saving Nikolai. I did that, and that’s something I can be proud of. I’m starting to take back my power.
“She was brave,” Mrs. Brown says as she enters the room. “I never could have done what Ava did. You should be proud of her.”
Claude grumbles under his breath and goes back to cutting up strawberries for a cake he’s making. I tried asking him about it, and he just told me to mind my own business.
“I’m glad you made it home safely,” Mrs. Brown says, laying her hand on my arm. Instead of pulling away, I lean into her touch. It reminds me of my mom’s touch. That thought almost makes me cry into my scrambled eggs.
“I am, too,” Nikolai says.
The three of us turn to him as he stands in the kitchen doorway. He has a shirt on so I can’t see his wounds, but I can tell from the way he’s moving that he’s trying to be careful. My once powerful husband. I don’t like seeing him hurt, but at the same time, it puts us on a more even playing field.
“How are you feeling?” Mrs. Brown asks.
“I’m fine,” he growls. “Don’t ask me again.” He pours himself a cup of coffee.
She shuts her mouth and hurries out of the room.
“She was just asking,” I say.
Nikolai stares at me over his cup. “She was being nosy.”
“You were hurt. She works for you. Of course she’d want to know if you’re all right.”
“You’re defending my staff now? I thought you didn’t like anyone here.”
I flush. “I never said that.”
“I could just tell from how you acted around everyone when you first came here.”
“Sometimes it just takes me a while to warm up to people.”
“People like me?”
“Yes.” The word is out before I can stop it.
Nikolai looks pleased with himself as he takes a sip. I stand up and hand my empty plate to Claude, who looks at me with confusion.
“I don’t do dishes,” he says.
With a sigh, I set the plate in the sink and walk past Nikolai, who follows me.
“Ava, can I have a word?”
I turn to face him. “Yes?”
“I don’t want things to be … strange between us.”
“Strange?”
“Yes. After last night. What happened. It doesn’t change anything.”
“Change what?”
“Our marriage.”
His words hit me right in the gut. “Oh.” Soon, I’m blinking back tears.
“I only say that because I don’t want you to get your expectations up.”
“Expectations for what?” I snap. Did I think for a moment that last night would change things between us? Yes. Did I think that it could be a new starting point for us? Absolutely.
And here’s Nikolai, crushing that beneath his stern gaze that says so much yet says nothing at all.
He looks taken aback. “I just wanted to be clear on that.”
“It’s ok, Nikolai. You bought me, remember? We don’t have a real relationship. We never have.” And we never will .
“You are married to me, Ava. That part is still true.”
“I get it. You want me, but you don’t want to put in the effort to make things real. You know, Nikolai, if you really wanted me, you would act how a real husband is supposed to act.”
“And how is that?”
“With respect. With … love.”
“You think I love you?”
I flush and turn away from me. “No, of course not. I never thought that.” And I didn’t. I could never because I know what kind of man I’m married to.
Nikolai isn’t just someone who doesn’t feel love—he’s a monster, incapable of it.
“Ava,” he says, but I’m already walking away. I put myself out there to save him for god knows why. I tried with him.
But Nikolai only insists on keeping me out.
The days pass by slowly.
Nikolai and I keep our distance from each other. What I did—saving him—was too much. The more we ignore each other, the more I regret not going to New Haven. Why did I think saving Nikolai would be a good idea?
Mrs. Brown finds me on the couch, staring at the ceiling as I feel my brain cells leave me. I miss education. I miss learning. Sure, Nikolai has a large library I could use, but the library is his. It’s not mine.
None of this place is mine.
“Dear, why don’t you get out?” she asks.
“Out where? Nikolai will just find me and bring me back.”
“We have a pool. You could go for a swim. It might do you good.”
After contemplating it for a moment, I decide she’s right. I need to move. Staying cooped up inside all day with a broken heart won’t get me anywhere.
I don’t even want to give Nikolai credit for my heart, but it’s the truth. I have weird, complicated feelings for him, and he stomped all over them.
The closet full of clothes Nikolai bought me includes a bathing suit. It’s a two piece, all black. Not surprising.
The pool is on the ground floor of the mansion. It’s inside and surrounded by beautiful windows that look out to Central Park. I take one look at it and know I’ll be all right. Maybe this place can be my safe space.
I dive into the pool and swim laps around it. I haven’t swum in years. When I was a child, my mom would take me to swim lessons—which my father actively avoided joining. He never participated when it came to things concerning me.
As I got older, my father would make inappropriate comments about my body and swimsuits. Usually, the swimsuits would be too “indecent” in his eyes, and he would find a way to shame me.
I stopped soon after.
It’s my first time swimming since then. It’s glorious. The water is warm but not too warm. The chlorine has that distinct smell that’s strangely comforting. I can just swim without having to worry about my father. The more I swim, the more my thoughts fade away and I forget where I am. I forgot who I am.
And who I’m married to.
When Nikolai begins to invade my thoughts, I swim faster. How dare he say those things to me! I saved his life. For a moment on that night, he let me in.
And then he shut me out.
He doesn’t get the right to literally buy me, force me into a marriage, and then play with my emotions. I will not have it. I’m someone who got into Yale, for goodness’ sake’s. I need to be smarter than this.
If Nikolai can so easily push me away, I should be able to do the same to him.
I swim faster and faster and faster. The water fills my nose, but I know how to breathe. I know how to survive.
And then I come up for air.
The first thing I see are black shoes. When I look up, I see Nikolai standing there, looking down at me.
“What are you doing?” I ask, wiping water off my face.
“I could ask you the same thing.” His expression is unreadable. Of course, it is. He doesn’t know how to feel.
“I’m swimming.”
“I can see that.”
“What are you doing?”
“I was watching you,” he states. No shame in his voice. I wonder what that’s like.
“Why?”
“Because I can.”
I scoff and swim away from him. “You tell me nothing changed between us, and now, you’re watching me swim. You confuse me.”
“What’s confusing about it?” He sounds genuinely honest, which hurts more. I don’t want him to sound concerned. I want him to be the monster I know he is.
“I thought you didn’t want anything to do with me.”
“I never said that.”
“You implied it.”
He sighs. “Ava, I had to put a stop to … whatever happened between us that night. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to spend time with you.”
“Well, I don’t want to spend time with you. In fact, you’re getting in the way of my swim.”
“You know, you’re the only person who can speak to me like that.”
“Like what?”
“With attitude?”
“Then why don’t you punish me for it?”
His gaze intensifies. “I don’t want to punish you, Ava.”
I consider his words as I swim around slowly. “Why do you let me talk to you this way?”
“Because you’re my wife.”
“Is that really the reason? You seem like the kind of man who doesn’t care if the person is a man or a woman. You don’t like disrespect.”
“You’re right. I don’t.” He pauses. “But I don’t mind it with you.”
I stop swimming. “Why? You need to give me something, Nik.” There it is again. Nik .
His eyes flash with something. At least it means he feels something. “I know what I said the other day. But it’s for your own benefit.”
“My own benefit?”
“You don’t want to know me, Ava. I’ll only end up breaking your heart.”
“That’s presumptuous. You don’t have my heart.” I can tell my words sting by how he looks away from me. Good. I want him to hurt like he hurt me.
I’m so angry I allowed myself to feel anything for him in the first place.
“It’s for your own protection,” he says. “Trust me on that.”
As tears sting my eyes, I blink them back. I refuse to cry in front of him. “I’m done.” I get out on the other end of the pool as far away from him as I can get.
When I look at him, I see how he’s looking at me. Dark eyes. Desire.
I shiver, both from the cold water on my skin and how he makes me feel. Stupid. I shouldn’t allow Nikolai to make me feel anything.
But it’s there anyway.
The water drips from my body. My swimsuit clings to my skin.
Nikolai slowly walks over to me, his steps loud on the tiles in the echo-y room. Each step matches the beat of my heart.
He only stops once he reaches me. “You’re so beautiful.”
“No,” I whisper, shaking my head. “You don’t get to do that. You don’t get to say that.”
“But it’s true.”
“Why do you make me feel this way?”
“What way?” he asks, his voice sounding raw.
“Like this.” I wave a hand between us. “I can’t control it. I don’t even understand it.”
Deep down, I do. It’s attraction. It’s an undeniable connection between us.
He cups my face. I hate myself for leaning into his touch. “I’m struggling to control it, too,” he admits.
“Why did you push me away? And don’t say it’s for my own protection.”
As soon as he opens a fraction, he shuts down even more. He lowers his hand and backs away.
“I heard you,” I blurt out before he can leave. I’m desperate for him to stay. He tenses, but I continue before I can lose my nerve. “That night. I heard the sounds you were making. The cries. The sounds of pain. I know you’re not some invincible man. I know you feel things, Nikolai. Why don’t you show them to me?”
“You were listening to me?”
“Yes. And don’t judge me for it. You’ve done worse to me.”
“That was a private moment,” he growls, completely ignoring what I just said. “You had no right.”
“I had every right. I just saved your life.”
“And I thanked you for it.”
“That makes everything all right?”
He runs a hand down his face. “What do you want from me?” he shouts, the sound echoing throughout the poolroom.
“I want a husband!” I shout back. “If I’m going to accept this life, then I need you to meet me halfway. Otherwise, I never should have saved you.”
“You did, though. You regret it?”
“I’m starting to.”
Just slightly, he flinches. “You can’t take it back now. You’re stuck with me.”
“It seems that way.”
He motions aggressively at the pool. “Be careful next time. I might not be here to save you from drowning.”
“I know how to swim!”
“You don’t know anything,” he says in a biting tone.
The moment he’s gone, I break down into tears. They mix with the water on my face until I can’t tell them apart.
I never should have saved Nikolai.
I do regret my choice.
Dinner between Nikolai and me is tense.
I wasn’t even going to show up, but I didn’t want him storming into my room and dragging me to the table. I figured it would be easier to get it over with now, and then I don’t have to see him for the rest of the night.
Claude makes matter worse when he mutters about how I’m barely eating anything again. “I made this entire roast for tonight. At least eat some of it.”
“I’m not hungry,” I say, pushing my plate away.
“Eat,” Nikolai growls. “Claude spent hours making this. Show him some respect.”
I give Nikolai a hard stare. “I’m sorry, Claude. I’m just not hungry. You can blame it on Nikolai.”
Claude flaps his hands down by his sides in frustration and storms out of the dining room.
“You need to eat,” Nikolai says once Claude is gone.
“Please don’t tell me what to do.”
“Manners? I didn’t think you had any when you eavesdropped on me.”
My fork clatters to the table. “You know the sad thing? I wanted you to know I was there. I wanted you to know I could relate. That I feel a deep hole of pain in my chest every day. But I didn’t intrude because I didn’t want to embarrass you.”
“You didn’t have a problem with that when you told me you eavesdropped on me.”
“That’s because I was angry. And I’m tired of fighting. You don’t want us to have a real marriage, yet you insist on keeping me locked in this one. You owe me, Nikolai. I saved your life. I’m calling in my favor.”
He scoffs. “I didn’t realize I gave you any favors to call in.”
“I want to go back to school.”
He doesn’t say anything, which I take to mean is a good thing. At least he’s not instantly saying no.
“I miss it,” I continue. “Give me this, at least. You know it’s right.”
Nikolai clears his throat and stands up. I watch him approach me and hold out his hand. “I propose a deal. You dance with me, and I won’t stop you from going back to school.”
“You want to dance with me? Why?”
“Because you’re my wife.” He keeps his hand extended.
“No strings?”
“Just a dance.”
I slowly take his hand and let him pull me to stand. When he places his other hand on my waist, I shiver. My body still responds to his touch despite how mad at him I am.
“There’s no music,” I say.
“That’s never stopped me before.”
I don’t want to ask because I want to stay mad at him, but I ask anyway. “You dance a lot without music?”
“No. I rarely dance now. But before my … incident, I used to go out dancing all the time. Lots of woman fought for my attention.”
“Are you bragging?”
“No. Just stating a fact. I got really good at dancing.” He pulls me in closer, his hands firm on my body. It’s distracting to say the least.
“You don’t dance anymore?”
“No. Not until now.”
“Why now?”
“Because I don’t want to fight with you. You’re miserable. I know I’m the reason. And for that … I’m sorry.”
I look at him more closely. It’s a little intimidating being this close to him. “Why say it now?”
“Because you’re right. You did save my life, and I’ve been nothing but an ass to you about it. You could have run, but you didn’t. If you want to go back to school, I won’t stop you. But …”
“But?” My heart is racing.
“But I expect you to come back.”
“I know,” I whisper. “I figured.”
He nods once. “Good.”
“Thank you for apologizing.”
“Well, thank you again for saving my life.”
I let myself rest my head against his chest, and Nikolai wraps his arms tighter around me. I know I shouldn’t trust him again. Not with my heart anyway.
But with the way Nikolai is holding me, I can’t help but want to stay in his arms forever.
And that’s a scary feeling.
I pull back before I go in too deep. “Sorry. I need …” I start to turn away from him, but my foot catches on the rug, and I start to fall.
Nikolai catches me.
I gasp as he holds me once more in his arms. Even though I tried to leave, it seems fate has other ideas.
Nikolai and I stare at each other, neither one looking away.
And then we’re kissing.
It’s not rough and fast like the last one.
This one steals my breath away. This one makes me feel safe. This one is dangerous.
I let the kiss linger a bit longer before pulling back.
“I want you,” he says, pressing his forehead to mine.
I want you, too . The thought enters me unbidden. But it’s one I cannot voice.
“I’m sorry.” I extract myself from him and then scurry out of the room.
He doesn’t follow, and I’m unsure if I even want him to.
Going back to Yale is like going back to another world.
My first stop is to the admissions office, where a perfume heavy woman named Mrs. Jones, asks me where I’ve been all these weeks.
“I was kidnapped,” I answer honestly.
Her eyes widen. “Seriously?”
“Yes. But I managed to escape, and now, I want to go back to school. I know I missed some time. But I hope I can make it back up.”
“Well, I’m sure, given the circumstances, you’ll be able to. I’ll just need to see the police report from your kidnapping to verify.”
I pause. “Can’t you just take me at my word?”
“Well, Ava, I’ll need proof. It’s to ensure you’re given a pass. It’s the only way we can allow you back into your normal classes.”
The problem is, I don’t have proof. I never filed a police report against Nikolai. It wouldn’t matter if I tried anyway. A man like him doesn’t answer to the police.
“Ok,” I whisper. “I’ll bring the report.” I’ll have to ask Nikolai for help. After what we shared at dinner a few nights ago, I just hope he’ll actually help me.
Mrs. Jones smiles. “Great. Come back with that, and we can get started reintegrating you into your classes.”
“Thanks.” I stand up on shaky legs. I should’ve known it wouldn’t be easy to just return to school like nothing happened to me. Like my life hasn’t completely changed.
“Oh, Ava, I have to ask. What was it like?”
“What?”
“The kidnapping. Was it frightening?”
I frown. “Kidnappings usually are. I don’t really want to talk about it.”
“Oh, but you’ll have to. If you want to return to your classes, you’ll need to give me the details. They’ll need to match your police report.”
“Sure,” I whisper, already leaving the room. I was so close to returning, and now, it’s been ripped out of my fingers.
This is my father’s fault. This is Nikolai’s fault.
I just want to feel somewhat normal. I want to know where my mom’s body is. I want to feel like I’m not going insane for falling for the man who bought me.
But nothing in my life is normal again, if it ever was.
I step out of the admissions office and bump into someone.
“Woah, there.”
I instantly recognize the voice. When I turn to him, I see that familiar face that didn’t help me at Dimitri’s club. The face that made it all about him when I so clearly needed help.
Jason’s face.
“Ava?” he asks, smiling like nothing even happened.
Before I can stop myself, I slap him across the face.