Chapter 16
Chapter
Sixteen
AVA
I wake up sore.
My entire lower body hurts from after last night, and the thought just makes me sadder, knowing Nikolai pulled away from me.
I don’t understand him. He wants me yet he pulls away.
I manage to get out of bed and shower. It hurts to pee, but that soon goes away. When I go downstairs, I find Claude cooking in the kitchen as usual and Mrs. Brown folding towels at the table. Edmund is in his place by the front door.
“Good morning, Ava,” Edmund says, giving me a sincere smile.
It only makes me think of Nikolai and how he smiled at me one moment then pulled away the next.
“Morning,” I grumble.
Edmund frowns, but before he can ask any more questions, I head into the kitchen.
“You look terrible,” Claude comments.
Mrs. Brown makes a disapproving sound in the back of her throat. “Be nice. Dear, did you get a bad night’s sleep?”
“You could say that.” I grab a cup of coffee and practically down it. It doesn’t make me feel better at all.
“Well, a nice plate of food always helps with that,” Claude says, handing me a plate filled with so many breakfast items, it’s almost overwhelming. “Eat it all. You’re getting too skinny.”
“Is that your purpose? To make me gain weight?” I take a bite of the French toast. It’s heavenly.
“Yes,” he says point blank. “The fatter the people, the more food they eat, and the more money I make.”
“You work for Nikolai,” I point out. “He’s not overweight.”
“No, but he works out and has a huge appetite, which makes me happy. Whereas you …” He looks me up and down. “You don’t work out. So, getting fat is the better option for me.”
“Claude, you’re terrible,” Mrs. Brown scolds, but there’s laughter to her voice. “Eat up, dear.”
The more I eat, the better I feel. “Claude, you’re getting better at making me eat, I’ll give you that.”
He gives me a grumpy but appreciative smile, and I smile in return.
Then Nikolai enters the room, completely changing the mood.
He looks at me with his usual intensity, but it doesn’t mean much now that I know he doesn’t truly care for me. If he did, he never would have left me last night.
“Ava,” he says in his gruff voice.
“Nikolai.”
He continues to look at me, making both Claude and Mrs. Brown avert their eyes. The whole room feels awkward.
After a long moment, he grabs a cup of coffee, and the intensity dissipates.
“I was just telling your wife that I need to fatten her up,” Claude says, chuckling.
“Don’t talk about my wife,” Nikolai snaps.
Claude instantly looks embarrassed, and he goes back to chopping celery. For what? I have no idea.
“Claude was just making a joke,” I say. I can’t believe I’m at a point where I’m siding with Claude, but here we are.
Nikolai sets his intense eyes back onto me. It takes everything inside me not to flinch. “Claude is my chef. He’s not your friend. And he would do well not to get too comfortable with you. You’re mine, Ava.”
“I can talk to whoever I want.”
“That may be a problem.”
I stand up, my heart beating fast. “No. You don’t get to control me. Not after last night. You left. Not me.”
For a moment, Nikolai looks chastened, but then his usual gruffy demeanor takes back over. “I have to go to work.”
“I have to go to school.”
He nods once and then leaves.
Mrs. Brown looks at me with wide eyes. “What was that about?”
I crumple back onto my seat, trying not to cry, but when Mrs. Brown asks me again, how I am, I can’t hold back the tears.
“Dear,” she says, taking my hand. The comfort reminds me so much of my mother. I know Nikolai is looking into her disappearance, but he hasn’t found anything yet. Now I’m worried he won’t continue to look for her as a punishment to me.
I run out of the kitchen and stop Nikolai in the foyer. “Wait.”
His back tenses but doesn’t turn around to face me. Edmund has the good sense to leave the room.
“I just need to know …” I take in a deep breath and let it out. “You’ll still look for my mom’s body, yes? Find out who took her?”
Somehow, Nikolai’s shoulders tense even more. “Why would you ask that?”
“I just need to know you’ll still look for her. That you won’t hurt me because you’re all cold for some reason.”
Finally, he turns back to face me. “You think I would hurt you like that?”
“Honestly, Nikolai? Yes.”
I can tell my words hurt. Good. I want them to hurt. I want him to know how much I hurt when he left last night after I gave him all of me.
He opens his mouth then shuts it and nods, accepting that I’m right. “I’m still looking into it. You don’t need to worry about that.”
The panic around my heart eases a little. When I take a small step toward him, he catches it all with his gaze. “Why did you pull away?” I whisper.
He averts his eyes. “I need to get to work.”
“Just tell me. There has to be a reason.”
“I told you. I don’t deserve you.”
I scoff, crossing my arms. “You didn’t realize that until after you took my virginity?”
“I …” He sighs, shaking his head. “I could make a hundred excuses, but none of them would be right. All I can say, Ava, is … I’m sorry.” He walks out the door before I can get a word in.
Why would Nik be sorry? What does he have to be sorry for? To me, it felt like he was speaking of more than just last night.
What is he not telling me?
Nikolai has secrets that are burned into him. I need to find out what those are.
Edmund comes back into the room and offers me another smile. “How are you?”
“I’m not sure,” I confess. But I’m going to get to the bottom of Nikolai and his confusing emotions.
I’m going to crack my husband’s hard shell and see what’s underneath.
My mind is all over the place when I attend my classes. Learning new topics is one of my favorite things to do, and currently, my gothic literature class has a lot of compelling information on dark, brooding heroes and the women who love them.
I may not love Nikolai, but I know what it’s like to be drawn to a man who’s objectively bad for me.
My body remembers his touch. It’s ingrained within me. I also hate that I care so much about whether Nikolai likes me in return. I know he does to some degree. He just insists on pushing me away.
As I move about campus, a thought dawns on me. I haven’t seen Jason around in a week. We share a class, and he hasn’t been there. Maybe he’s just out with a cold.
But there’s a darker part of my brain that wonders if he’s not out with a cold at all but is cold in the ground.
Did Nikolai hurt him? Would he? Would he keep it from me if he did kill Jason?
And if I confronted him about it, would he tell me the truth?
I thought I was starting to understand Nikolai. From his scars to something in his past that caused him to shut off, but now, I’m not so sure. Nikolai is a Bratva man. He was molded in the darkness of the mob. Who knows what he would do to get rid of the competition?
The train ride back to New York feels like it takes forever. Usually, I would work on homework on my way home, but my mind is too distracted.
When I finally make it back home, I head straight for Nikolai’s office. He’s not home at the moment. But when I try the door, I find it locked. Why does he lock his office door—unless he’s keeping secrets?
I find Edmund by the front door where he always is. “Do you have a key for every room in the house?”
“Mrs. Petrov, why are you asking for a key for any room in the house?”
“Fine. I’ll be honest with you, Edmund. Nikolai is keeping things from me. I can feel it in my gut. I need to get into his office and look around.”
His frown deepens the lines between his eyes. “That’s a violation of your husband’s trust.”
“And he bought me and forced me into a marriage I never asked for. I think we’re past violations here.”
“Why not just ask him?”
“Do you think he’ll tell me anything?” I respond, crossing my arms. “You know Nikolai. You know how high his walls are.” I sigh and give Edmund my best puppy dog eyes. “Please. Edmund. I just want to get to know my husband better. Is that so bad?”
He wavers for a long moment before sighing, his shoulders slumping in resignation. “All right. I do have a key.” He pulls it out of his pocket it and hands it to me. “But just be wise, Mrs. Petrov. You don’t want to ruin anything you’ve built with Mr. Petrov.”
“He’s doing that well enough on his own.”
I hurry to his office and unlock the door. Once inside, I’m struck by how clean everything is. That shouldn’t be surprising, given how clean the rest of the house is, but there are no pictures anywhere. No loose papers strewn about. Nothing that says anyone works in here.
I try the drawers to his desk, but there’s nothing. They’re all locked. I use the key Edmund gave me, but it doesn’t open any of the drawers. I need a different key, but I suspect Nikolai keeps it on him.
I sit down in his chair and look out at the room. He takes in this view every day. This is where he sits when he makes decisions. This is what power feels like.
It feels lonely, I realize.
I don’t feel any closer to Nikolai sitting in this room because even he hasn’t laid claim to it. It’s just a place where he works. It’s not his identity.
So, who exactly is Nikolai Petrov?
“What are you doing?” His voice cuts through my mind, making me sit up in the chair with a gasp. Nikolai is in the doorway, his eyes furrowed. The sight of him so filled with anger makes my body shiver. Is this what people see right before he kills them?
“I asked you a question, Ava,” he growls, stepping into the room and shutting the door behind him. “What are you doing in my office?”
“I have the key,” I say, holding it up.
“How did you get it?”
“Edmund gave it to me after I begged him.”
“He’s too soft on you.”
“You’re definitely not soft on me. You’re nothing but cold, hard edges.”
He’s quiet for a moment then lets out a breath. “I’m going to ask you again. What are you doing in here?”
“Sitting.”
“Ava,” he warns.
“I wanted to learn your secrets, Nik. I wanted to learn something new about you. But it turns out your office is just as blank as the rest of this house. You keep yourself so buried away; you don’t show a thing.”
“Why do you want to know?”
“Because you’re my husband!” I stand up, shoving the chair away. “I’m not just some employee you can shut out when it pleases you. I’m your wife. You chose me. You’re the reason I’m here. So, open up to me!”
He storms right over to me but doesn’t touch. I can feel the heat radiating off him, and all I want to do is to step closer and feel that warmth envelope me like it did the night I let him take my virginity.
“I don’t open up to anyone,” he growls.
“Why?”
“I don’t have to explain myself to you.”
“Yes, you do. You owe me, and you know it. You said it yourself, Nik. You don’t think you deserve me. So, why is that?”
“Because I’m not a good man.”
“But why?”
“Because I was betrayed!” he shouts, making me snap my mouth shut. I wait for him to say more. After a long moment of him breathing deeply, he finally speaks. “I was betrayed, Ava. I had a second in command. His name was Anton. He’s the reason I have this scar.” He points at his face. “He’s not the reason I’m a bad man, but he is the reason I don’t trust anyone.”
“Even me?”
He takes a step closer. “Especially you.”
I gasp. “I don’t …”
“You make me feel things. You make me feel like I’ve awoken from a dark cave after years of being in it. And I can’t trust my feelings for you. I can’t trust if I’m doing the right thing or the wrong thing. All I know is that you are light, and I’m dark. I can’t open my heart up to you, Ava.”
“You’re worried I’ll break your heart,” I realize. “Nik …”
“Don’t. I don’t want your pity.”
“It’s not pity. I’m scared you’ll break my heart, too.”
Something flashes behind his eyes. “How? You don’t love me.”
“I was trying to,” I admit. “And then you pulled away.”
He cups my face. “Ava …”
I lean into his touch, feeling instantly better. He’s become my drug. I didn’t welcome him in, but he came over me, and now, I can’t get rid of him. I’ll always be drawn to Nikolai. There’s no fighting it.
“You don’t know everything,” he admits.
“Did you kill Jason?”
He goes very still. I wait for his reply, and he finally gives it. “I did.”
I suck in a gasp. “Nik.”
“I know you wouldn’t have approved. That’s why I kept it from you.”
“Why?”
“Because I want you to be mine, Ava. I know I say you’re mine time and again, but you’re not really because you need to choose to be mine. And how can you ever choose to be mine if you hate me?”
“I don’t hate you,” I say, my lips barely moving.
“You should.”
“You killed Jason,” I state. “And I don’t approve of that. But I can’t seem to hate you. Maybe I’m naive. Maybe I’m making a terrible mistake. But I don’t hate you, Nik.” I raise my hand and gently touch the scar on his cheek. “I don’t hate you even though I should.”
“You’re playing with fire.”
“Let me in. Just let me in.”
There’s a mutual exhalation of breath, and then we’re kissing each other.
Nikolai wraps his arms around my waist and presses me against the desk. I cling to his strong shoulders. Already, his kiss lights me on fire.
Unlike before, this kiss is filled with desperation and longing. We both want to open up, but we keep stopping before it can fully happen.
I gasp when he picks me up and sits me on the desk. His large hands cover my waist, giving it a squeeze. Without even thinking about it, I open my legs wider, letting him settle between the space.
His right hand cups my breast, making me moan softly. Our kiss is passionate and messy, but it’s perfect to me.
He subtly shifts his hips against mine, and I can feel the growing erection in his pants. I know my own body is warming up and getting ready for him.
“Nik,” I gasp when he brings his lips to my neck and bites gently. “What are you doing to me?”
“You make me fucking wild, too,” he admits in my ear. My entire body trembles.
And then he’s kneeling before me. The sight of such a powerful man on his knees makes me feel weak in my own knees.
He pushes my legs open. His hands reach under my dress and skim my bare thighs.
“Lean back,” he instructs, giving me his signature intense stare. I do as he says, and Nikolai rips my panties down my legs, making me gasp. My scent is strong in the air. He places his face on my inner thigh and inhales deeply. “God, I love the way you smell.”
I blush.
He flips my dress up around my waist and draws my hips to the edge of the desk. “I’ve wanted to do this ever since I first saw you.” I’m not prepared for him to place his face between my legs and touch me with his tongue.
My hips practically fly off the desk. “Oh!”
He grabs my thighs to steady me and then begins to really use his tongue. It moves from my clit down to my folds and back up again. The feeling is soft and firm and oh so addicting . My toes curl from the pleasure of it.
He takes his time running his tongue over my clit. Rolling it around. Suckling on it. My hips buck up, and I blush harder when he holds me in place.
The growl that escapes his mouth turns me on even more.
“Nik,” I gasp, my head dropping back. Feeling brave, I curl my hands into the back of his hair, pulling him in closer. God, it feels amazing. If I could just get lost in this moment with him forever, then everything would be all right between us.
He licks me harder and harder and harder. I can feel my body tightening. Feel how close I’m getting.
My hands grip the edge of the desk as I arch my back.
He pushes his face more firmly between my thighs. His tongue slides down to my opening, and he pushes inside. I let out a long, loud moan, not even caring who hears.
He cups the bottom of my thighs with his strong hands, and for some reason, it sends me over the edge.
I gasp and tremble and shiver as I come. Nikolai doesn’t stop pleasuring me with his tongue the entire time.
And then, it’s over.
When he stands back up, he gives me a look that says he could eat me all over again. I blush even harder at the thought.
He unzips his pants and brings out his long erection. My inner walls clench at the memory of him inside me. “I need you.”
Without a word, I open my legs wider, and he settles between them. Our gazes lock, and then he slides into me in one smooth motion. This time, there’s not an ounce of pain at all.
The moment he’s entirely inside me, I feel complete. I feel safe.
Our foreheads press together.
And then Nikolai begins to thrust his hips forward, slowly bringing his length in and out of me. I arch my hips, matching his pace. Our breath mingles together. Our eyes lock in a heated gaze. In this one area of our lives, we’re on the same page, moving in perfect harmony.
He grinds his hips harder against mine, and I gasp and clutch his biceps. The strength underneath my hands is powerful. It makes me more aroused.
My body is spent and tired, but I need this. I need to know Nikolai cares for me. I need to know he’ll open up to me more. I need to know all of this so I can allow myself to fall in love with him.
Thrust. He groans, his hands slamming onto the desk. Thrust. I moan, my eyes fluttering shut. Thrust. We both let out soft sighs of contentment.
“Fuck,” he growls. “Ava, god. You …”
“Yes,” I gasp.
His pace becomes more frantic, wilder. I match it, letting myself get caught up in this indescribable moment.
“I need …” I trail off.
“I know.”
He grips my thighs tighter and thrusts once more into me, and it’s enough to make me come again. I arch my back, my hips rolling around. Nikolai quickly follows suit. He sets his face into the crook of my neck, groaning softly.
We both stay still, just holding onto each other.
And then he pulls out of me.
But this time, he doesn’t pull away. He continues to look at me. I know what he must see. Me, disheveled, smelling like sex. Never before in my life have I felt more like a true woman.
He pushes a piece of my hair behind my ear. “I want to be honest with you.”
“Ok.”
“Dimitri is coming for me.”
Those are not the words I expected. Honestly, I don’t know what I expected. “Oh.”
“He’s angry that I ruined our partnership.”
“Can’t you fix it?”
“Not without blood.”
An idea forms in my mind. “If Dimitri is causing problems for you, you could ask Maxim for help.”
He scoffs and stuffs his length back into his pants. “I’m not asking a fucking biker for help.”
“Why not?” I ask, fixing my own clothes. “Maxim wants peace. If Dimitri is trying to start a war, then Maxim won’t like it. Maybe this is your chance to truly restore peace with The Knights. You could cement them as allies in this fight. With Maxim on your side, maybe Dimitri would back off.”
He sighs and rubs his chin. “It’s not a bad idea.”
“I know. That’s why I came up with it.”
He offers me a small smile that quickly turns to a frown. “But I made peace with Maxim. I won’t drag him into another war. I can do this on my own.”
“Can you? Maybe you need to learn to trust again, Nikolai. Maybe this is your chance to put your trust in someone else.” It’s heavy-handed what I’m saying, but it cuts right to the chase. Nikolai needs to learn to trust again; it’s the only way he’ll ever truly open his heart up to me.
After a long moment, he laughs softly. “You’re good, you know? Too good.”
“I just want us to try, Nik. So, try … for us.”
“I guess I have a meeting with Maxim.”
“Make me proud.”
“I’m trying,” he admits. And I can tell he means it.
NIKOLAI
The smell of smoke is strong in The Knight’s bar.
I don’t pass judgment on it as I walk through the group of bikers, who are all looking at me like I’m shit on the floor. I keep walking until Maxim enters my line of sight.
“What are you doing here, Nikolai?” he demands, his arms crossed.
“I’m not here to fight.”
“No?”
“No. I’m here to ask for your help.”
Maxim squints at me before laughing. Soon, his men are laughing right along with him. “Wait. Let me get this straight. The great Nikolai Petrov is asking me, a lowly biker, for help?”
“Dimitri Ivanov is out of control. He wants me dead, and I know he has the power to do it. I need help stopping him. If we banded together, it would make him back down.”
“And why the hell would I ever help you again?”
“Because if I’m dead, then you’ll have Dimitri to deal with. And he might not seem like a big deal now, but he’s a little bit crazy. You can’t trust crazy. At least with me, when I give my word, I mean it.”
“You gave your word to Lev, and you killed him.”
I shake my head. “No. I promised him some money, but I never promised to be partners.” I can tell my answer is not what Maxim wants to hear. “Listen, I made a mistake with Lev. I can admit that. I did fuck him over. All of you.” I glance around at the group of bikers. “But I will not fuck you over, Maxim.”
“How do I know you’re telling the truth?”
“Because I have someone I care about now.”
Realization dawns in Maxim’s eyes. “Ava.”
I incline my head. “I can’t risk her safety. I worry Dimitri might try something, and I need to stop him before he does. So, I need help. I’m asking you for it. If you don’t take it, you won’t be punished. I’ll leave you alone. But I could use your help as a show of strength to prevent another war from happening. You said you wanted peace.”
Maxim exchanges looks with a few of his men before nodding. “You’re right. I do want peace. And I can tell it wasn’t easy for you to come here and ask for my help. I can also tell you mean what you say. Your wife has changed you, hasn’t she?”
I don’t say a word. Nothing needs to be said.
“All right,” Maxim says, rubbing the back of his head. “We’ll help you. To keep peace. That’s why I’m doing this. Don’t make me regret this, Nikolai.”
I’m in awe of Maxim. He knows how to be a good man.
I don’t know how to be a good man.
But maybe this is my first step in getting there.