Chapter 15
Chapter
Fifteen
NIKOLAI
T he bar is dirty and worn down and needs a paint job bad. But it’s a moneymaker for me. Mostly, the owner, Groban, makes me a lot of money from it by constantly needing loans from me, which he then has to pay back.
I bypass a lonely drunk man at the counter and the sad-looking bartender and head to the back office.
It’s somehow even dirtier than the rest of the bar.
“Groban,” I say, startling the skinny man seated at his desk.
“Nikolai. Uh, hi.”
I start to lean against the doorframe and then think better of it. Stains cover practically every inch of this place. “My money, Groban. It’s due today.”
He starts clawing through the papers on his desk. “But I thought I had until next week.”
“That was your old loan. Your new loan is due now.”
He slumps back against his chair. “But, Nikolai, I don’t have the money. But I can get it to you next week. All of it and more.”
The thing with being a Bratva boss is that if you give people a pass, they think they can keep getting passes. They start to think you’re their friend.
But I’m no one’s friend.
“Groban, pay up. Today. If you don’t …” The threat is clear. It’s always clear. These men know what they’re getting involved in when it comes to me. I clear away all their initial debts, but they owe me afterward. And if they can’t pay, then I don’t hesitate to take them out back and shoot them executioner style.
It’s what I just did to that fucker, Jason.
His scared, wimpy face fills my mind. The way he begged for his life. He got what he deserved for not leaving Ava alone.
I still haven’t told her about Jason. I probably never will. But if she asks me about it, I’m not sure I’ll be able to lie to her. Normally, I have no problem lying to people. I’ve been doing it most of my life.
But with Ava … she brings out something inside me that wants to do better.
The problem is, I’m not a good man, and bad men never get better.
I’m keeping Jason’s death a secret. I’m keeping the fact that her mother is alive from her. How much more will I keep secrets to make sure I can keep her?
“I can pay,” Groban says, shuffling through his papers. “Yes. Um, I should have some cash.” He wheels his chair over to a safe and opens it and grabs out a wad of cash. “Here.”
I count it right before him. The entire time he shakes. God, he’s always so jumpy, and right now, it’s pissing me off. “This is short, Groban. I need more. About five hundred more.”
“I, I, I can get you that. Just …” He palms his pants pockets and comes up empty. “Let me just …” He holds up a finger and leaves the office. I can hear him rifling through the cash register, and then I can hear him begging the bartender for some money. How pathetic.
Groban comes back with the four hundred dollars. “I can get you the rest next week. I promise.”
“But you still have to pay off your other loan next week. Groban, I’m starting to see this partnership isn’t working out anymore.”
He goes starkly pale. “Please. I just need a little more time.”
I sigh as I grab his shoulder. “They all say that.”
I shove him toward the back door. Groban doesn’t stop begging and begging, and it’s starting to give me a fucking headache.
The back alleyway is a filth pile of garbage. I almost gag from how bad it smells.
I push Groban to his knees, pull out my gun, and aim it at his head.
“Please,” he begs. “I have a daughter. A little girl. She needs me.”
“Does she really need a father who works for a dangerous man? The world you’re now in, Groban, will put her in danger. Honestly, doing this is the only way to save her.”
“Please! Just don’t. I’ll pay you back. I’ll pay every cent back.”
“Everyone single one of you promises that. I’ve been in this business for years, and it never ceases to amaze me. The false promises. None of you mean it. None of you ever pay me back. I don’t trust people, Groban. If I don’t even trust the people closest to me, then why the fuck would I trust you?”
“Please!”
My finger is on the trigger. Normally, I’d have pulled it by now. Normally, Groban would be dead by now.
But I hesitate.
I kill and kill and kill. It’s what I’m used to. But I can’t stop thinking about Ava and the vulnerable way she asked me to look into her mom’s disappearance. The fact that I’m lying to her is bothering me more than it should.
I shouldn’t fucking care if she’s happy or not.
Yet I can’t stop thinking that I want Ava to be happy. That I want her to choose me for real and not just because she doesn’t have any other options.
She would be proud of me for leaving Groban alive. She would tell me to think about his daughter. She would tell me to give him until the end of the week to pay the other hundred dollars.
I should listen to her if I want to be a good man.
But being a good man doesn’t make for a good Bratva boss.
And right now, I’m a Bratva man who needs to do his job.
“Please,” Groban whimpers.
I pull the trigger.
The bullet hits him straight between the eyes, and he slumps back onto the trash-strewn ground. Men like Groban belong in the trash. They’re trash to get so far into debt to begin with. They’re trash for needing a man like me to pull them out of the slums.
But I can’t get rid of the sneaking feeling as I call my cleanup crew that I just might belong with the trash, too.
I can’t push Groban from my mind as I drive. It gets to be so bad that I know I need a drink before I can return home and see Ava’s sweet face and lie to her.
Technically, I haven’t lied. I just haven’t told her everything.
But even I know it’s a fucking lie, and there’s no other way to spin it.
I enter the bar I normally frequent—a quiet, expensive, members-only club where I can get the best top-shelf drinks in the entire city.
I order a scotch and take a seat in my private booth.
Dimitri slides into the booth across from me. “How’s it going, Nik?”
I almost break my glass by how hard I clench it. “What the fuck are you doing here, Dimitri? We’re done, remember?”
“Oh, I know as you so kindly told me at my club. I’ll be honest, Nik, I haven’t taken that very well.”
“You invited Ava and me to your club and then someone drugged her. You need to keep a better eye on things.”
“Thank you for telling me how to run my club.”
God, I could punch his pretty boy face. “My wife was hurt. Of course, I’m fucking pissed at you. You don’t get to come here and act all prissy over it like I’m the one who did anything wrong.”
“Mmm.” Dimitri sits back in his seat, his eyes flitting around my face. “You know, when you get angry, your face turns red, which makes your scar look really ugly.”
I grit my teeth.
“Of course, you’re always ugly. I have no idea what Ava sees in you. If I were her, I’d be disappointed you’re my husband. I’d want someone like me.” Dimitri flashes me a smile that I’m sure makes a lot of women drop their panties for him. But I’m not a woman, and I’m not about to get naked for him.
“Are you just trying to make me angrier?” I growl.
He nods. “Pretty much. The truth is, Nik, you embarrassed me. At my own club, no less. How can any man live that down?”
“I’m sure you’ll be fine. Now, leave me alone so I can savor my drink.” The scotch is smooth going down my throat, but I wish I had something that burned just to remind me not to get into a fight with Dimitri.
“I can’t let that stand, Nik,” he continues like I haven’t even spoken. “I thought we were partners, and you dropped me like it was nothing. I’m not happy about that.”
“Then go find some woman to fuck and get over it.”
“No. I will not just get over it. You know how us Bratva men are. We’re prideful. You wounded my pride. I want you to pay for that.”
With a sigh, I sit back in my seat. “I just killed a man today. Shot him in the head like it was nothing. I’m already fucked up, Dimitri. You don’t want to get on my bad side today.”
“You’re always on your bad side. I’ve never seen you happy.”
I used to be happy … before Anton betrayed me and literally scarred me for life.
Dimitri claps his hands. “Anyway, enough chit-chat. I want you to pay for going back on our business contract. I’ve already lost money because I’m not working with you any longer. I figured, why do you even need to have any power in this city? I can just take it all for myself.”
“You’d have to kill me for that.”
His grin is savage, a stark contrast to his witty remarks. “That’s the plan.”
Tensing, I set my glass down slowly. “If you’re itching for a fight?—”
“I am.”
“Then fine. Let’s fucking fight.”
Ava wanted me to find peace with Maxim. I have. But I never promised peace with Dimitri.
Dimitri lunges across the table and grabs my jacket, pulling me up. We both start throwing punches and kicks at each other’s faces and bodies. Dimitri lands a particularly hard punch to my abdomen, but I retaliate and land a hit to his pretty boy face. His nose crunches under the force of it. To say it’s satisfying is an understatement.
Our fight leads us over to the bar where I throw Dimitri down on the top of it and hit him so hard in the stomach, he groans. He reaches over and grabs a bottle of wine and hits it against my head. For a moment, I see stars.
“No fighting!” the bartender shouts.
We ignore him.
Dimitri tries swinging the bottle back at me, but I grab it and rip it out of hands. I smash it against the bar, leaving the bottle a broken mess of glass shards. Using one of the shards, I aim it for his neck, but Dimitri dodges out of the way. He kicks me in the stomach, sending me stumbling back.
Lunging over the bar, he grabs a bottle of his own and breaks it. He swings it toward my face, and I feel the slice of a cut on my cheek. It’s minor, but it’s there.
I can’t let Dimitri win this fight. What kind of man would I be if I lost to a pretty boy like him?
With a snarl, I run right at him and stab him in the abdomen with the glass shard. He manages to stab my arm with his own glass shard before slumping to the ground. I kick him in the stomach for good measure, sending him sprawling on the floor.
“Don’t get back up,” I warn. “Or I will kill you. I’ve killed men for less.”
“Then why don’t you kill me?” he asks, smiling up at me, his teeth stained red with blood. It definitely makes him less pretty.
“Because you have power in this city. You have followers. They’d come after me if I killed you. I’m trying to do the smart thing here.”
“There is no smart thing here. Only fucking anger.” He grabs my legs, and I fall to the ground, landing hard on my back. Dimitri crawls on top of me and holds the glass shard to my neck. “I could so easily kill you right now.”
The glass sticking out of his side is just waiting for me to use it, so I do. I grab the glass and twist it inside of him. He shouts and rolls off me.
“If you want to die,” I growl, “then fucking die.” My hand finds another glass shard, but by the time I raise it to kill Dimitri with, he’s already limping toward the door. “Run, you fucking coward.”
He doesn’t look back, and then he’s gone.
I slump against the bar, sweaty and breathing heavily. The bartender looks at me like I’m crazy, and maybe I am.
I limp out of the club myself and drive home, covered in blood.
AVA
I wake up to the sound of Nikolai walking outside my room. His footsteps are always loud.
We haven’t spoken since last night when I asked him to look into my mom. He’s been at work all day. I found myself strangely missing him today, and that’s the first time that’s ever happened.
I crack open my door and freeze when I see him. His white shirt is stained red. His hair is a disheveled mess. And his eyes are a little bit wild.
“Nik?” I whisper.
He looks at me, not saying a word.
“What happened? Are you ok?”
“I don’t deserve your worry.”
I frown. “What do you mean? Are you … are you hurt?”
He nods toward his upper left arm. “I am, actually. Got into a nasty bar fight.”
“That doesn’t sound like you.”
“How do you know what sounds like me? How do you really?”
My mouth gapes open. “Did I do something to upset you?”
“No.” He drops his head, letting out a deep sigh. “You haven’t done anything, Ava. You’ve been perfect.”
I take a tentative step toward him. He doesn’t back away, so I take that to mean it’s a good sign. “You’re hurt.” Blood is seeping from his arm. “Let’s get that cleaned up.” Without even thinking about it, I go into the bathroom and come back out with the first-aid kit.
Nik motions for me to return to the bathroom where he follows and sits down heavily onto the toilet seat. My hands are hesitant as I slip his shirt off. He’s touched me in a way no one else ever has, yet I still feel nervous around him. In fact, it’s because of what we’ve shared that I’m nervous.
His upper left arm is bleeding, but the cut doesn’t look too bad. I clean it with an alcohol wipe, making him wince.
“Even you feel pain,” I comment.
“I’m only human.”
“Sometimes it doesn’t seem that way.”
I finish cleaning his wound and then bandage it. “There. You’ll probably want to go see a doctor just to be safe.”
He grabs my hand. His large, strong hand that makes me blush from the memory of it between my legs. “I’m not seeing a fucking doctor tonight.”
“Nik, what happened?”
His eyes meet mine in such an intense gaze that it makes me lightheaded. “I don’t want to talk about that right now. I just want to be around you. You’re so fucking beautiful, Ava. I really don’t deserve you.”
“You’re right,” I say surprising myself. “You don’t deserve me.”
“At least you’re honest.”
“But that doesn’t mean I hate you. I don’t hate you. Not anymore.”
“Then how do you feel?” he whispers. The mood in the bathroom changes instantly. It goes from worry to something darker. Something … seductive.
“I feel like you make me feel alive in a way no one’s ever made me feel before. I feel drawn to you. I feel like I’m starting to care about you.”
He sucks in a breath.
And then, without a word, he gently grabs the back of my head and brings my face down to his. Our lips meet in a tentative kiss that quickly becomes passionate. I want to ask Nik why he’s covered in blood. But I don’t want this kiss to end.
He stands up, still kissing me, and cups my face between his palms. I stand on tiptoes just to reach him.
Our lips mingle together. His tongue brushes mine, and I open my mouth wider to let him in. I’m ready to let Nik into all of me. I’ve come to face the reality that he’s my future. I like him even though I probably shouldn’t, so I want to make the most out of this.
I loved the way he touched me in the car. I love the way he looks at me like he could eat me alive.
I want to be loved by him. That’s the truth I’m afraid to speak because to speak it means I’ll be putting my heart out there and honestly, I’m not sure what Nik would do with that.
But none of that matters right now.
What matters is how his lips feel on mine, and they feel magical.
He wraps his arms around my hips and lifts me up. I gasp and cling to him. Our lips only part for a moment before we kiss again.
Nikolai walks me into my room and lays me down on the bed, his body following, covering mine. We’ve never been this physically close before. Chest to chest. My body tingles at the knowledge of that.
He kisses me harder as his hands squeeze my waist, sending a flush of arousal through me. I can already feel a wetness pooling between my legs. I can even smell my own scent.
Nikolai kisses down my throat, his lips firm like he’s claiming me as his own. He wants everyone to know I’m his.
I grip his shoulders and let my eyes flutter shut, just feeling in this moment. I lift my knees so they’re framing his hips. I can feel Nikolai’s entire body on me, including the hardness forming between his legs.
His lips move down to my upper chest. My body reacts on instinct, and I arch my back to get closer to him. His touch is a fire I never knew I needed to feel.
Nikolai draws his hand from my waist up to my breast, where he cups it and gently squeezes. I gasp. A flash of arousal hits me.
He lifts his gaze to mine. “I’ve wanted to touch you for so fucking long.”
“I want you to,” I admit.
His eyes burn with desire. My entire body tingles once more. “I want all of you.”
I know what he’s saying. He wants me to give him my virginity. I haven’t been holding onto it for any special reason. I was just so afraid to have sex or any relationship because of my father.
But my father can’t bother me now. Not when I have Nikolai Petrov as a husband.
His power bothered me when we first met. Nik was like an unmovable object. But now, his power turns me on. It makes me feel powerful, too.
So, I say the words I know will bind me to Nikolai forever.
“You can have me.”
He sucks in a breath right before kissing me so deeply that I almost can’t breathe.
My hands grip the back of his shoulders, steadying myself, as Nik runs his hands up and down the sides of my body. I could let him touch me like this forever.
His fingers touch the buttons on the front of my dress. I know the moment this piece of fabric comes off me that there’s no going back.
He sits up and slowly unbuttons my dress, one button at a time, until he undoes it all and slips the dress off my body. He pulls it down and tosses it to the floor without a care. He only has eyes for me.
My breath is shaky. Nik doesn’t comment on it as he unclasps my bra and tosses it to the floor with my dress. His lips capture one of my nipples. He’s not holding back.
So, I decide to not hold back either.
I arch my spine to get closer to him. My body is so sensitive, including my nipples, and the way he kisses over my breasts makes me feel like I might lose my mind in the best way possible.
“Oh,” I gasp, pressing my legs together as he gives my breast a gentle bite. His strong hands grip my hips, so close to the top of my underwear. Once he takes those off me, there really won’t be any turning back.
He sits back up and gazes down at me. “Fuck, Ava.”
I take this moment to gaze over his bare chest. So full of scars but not any less beautiful. I run my hand down his chest, making him let out slow breath. I love hearing and seeing the effect I have on him. It shows me he really is only human at the end of the day.
My fingers reach the top of his pants, and I stop. We both know what this means. Once we get naked, I will give him my body completely, and our marriage will forever be changed.
Without taking his eyes off me, he stands up and slips his pants down. Through his underwear, I can see his erection pressing against the fabric. Knowing he wants me turns me on even more.
He spreads my legs open, grips my panties and, without looking away from me, rips them right down my legs. I gasp slightly at the sensation.
I let him spread my legs wider, and then he touches me. His entire palm covers my vulva, making my hips arch up. It’s too much. I can barely stand it.
“You’re wet,” he comments, making me blush. “You really want this.” There’s a slight awe in his voice, like he didn’t truly believe me earlier. That thought makes me sad.
But then it’s quickly washed away when he begins to rub me with his fingers. My hips grind against his hand, needing more. Needing a release.
“Fuck,” he mutters, and I flush more deeply. My hips have a mind of their own as they reach up for his hand. He presses more firmly against me, giving me the friction I need. His other hand grips my knee so tightly, his fingers turn white. I don’t mind the pain. It only adds to the pleasure.
“Oh,” I gasp out, my hips rolling around.
Just as I’m about to come, Nik slips his finger into me. My release washes over me, causing my inner walls to clench down on his finger. He groans, and hearing it makes my orgasm even more intense.
He pumps his finger gently in and out of me. “I need to get you ready for my cock,” he explains.
I gulp. Suddenly, my nerves come back. What if it hurts? What if I don’t like it?
Nikolai must sense my nerves because he removes his finger and runs his hands over my hips. “I’ll be honest, Ava. I’m not a gentle man, but … for you, I’ll try to be.”
I nod and silently tell him with my eyes that I’m ready.
He slips his underwear off, and finally, I get to see all of him.
When I first came here, seeing Nik naked would have horrified me, but now, it only causes more arousal to shoot through me.
His body is glorious. It’s hard and strong and very masculine. His erection is thick. For a moment, I wonder how badly that’s going to hurt going inside me, but then I push it from my mind. Nikolai will make this feel good for me. He has his code.
He settles between my legs, his length so close to my entrance.
He doesn’t ask me if I’m ready. I would’ve said something if I wasn’t.
Then he presses into me.
At first, there’s a slight twinge of pain that makes me gasp, but as he slips in deeper, the pain disappears and is replaced with a deep, dull throbbing sensation.
He stares right into my eyes, giving me no space to even look away. But I don’t want to look away.
I nod, and Nikolai begins to move his hips.
I clutch his strong back muscles, all hard planes, nothing soft. Nikolai grabs my legs and lifts them higher around his hips. This slightly new angle draws him in deeper, and I gasp again.
He covers my next gasp with his lips. Our kiss is like two thirsty people in the desert.
Every time he moves his body back and forth, his chest brushes my nipples, sending goosebumps over my skin. I kiss him harder.
He grips my hips in his strong hands as he thrusts deeper into me. I let my body relax. I let myself feel the pleasure of this moment.
Nikolai takes my body like I knew he would—hard, a little rough, and just the slightest bit of softness present. I bring my knees closer to my chest, letting him fill me up more.
Being consumed by Nik isn’t frightening as I once thought it would be.
It’s surprisingly freeing.
I’ve been holding onto my past for far too long. Now, it’s Nik and me. He’s my future.
He presses his forehead against mine, our eyes locked in a heated gaze. Every thrust of his hips drives new pleasure through me. Our pace is slow and steady. There’s no need to rush this.
I gasp every time he pushes deeper into me. And every time I do that, Nikolai’s gaze darkens. Neither of us needs to say a word. We’re saying it all through our bodies.
His hands grip me tighter, so I do the same, and he groans, the sound filling me with pleasure.
Thrust, thrust, thrust.
I can barely breathe. I can barely think. All I see is Nikolai. All I feel is him.
And then another orgasm rushes through my body, and I gasp and shudder in his arms.
Nikolai holds me as he increases his pace. “Fuck,” he groans, thrusting into me once more before he comes. I can feel his seed inside me. That thought doesn’t bother me like I thought it would.
We’re both breathing heavily. A light sheen of sweat covers us both.
Nikolai cups my face and stares down at me with awe. I stare back, not afraid anymore.
Then, just as soon as his expression opens, it closes.
He gently pulls out of me and turns away, picking up his clothes.
I lie there in confusion for a moment before sitting up. “Nik?”
He puts his pants and underwear back on, still not looking at me. “I have to go.”
“Go? Go where?”
“I meant what I said, Ava. I don’t deserve you.” Without looking at me, he leaves.
“Nik!” I call out, but he doesn’t answer.
I knew it was all too good to be true. I feel like a fool for letting myself even care about Nikolai. And now, I’ve given him my entire body, and I can’t take that back.
I look down at the bedsheet between my legs and see a twinge of blood. The first time I ever saw Nikolai, he was covered in blood. And now, I’ve bled for him.
That thought makes me curl into a ball and cry.