Chapter 20
AVA
Claude’s funeral is a simple, small affair.
It consists of Edmund, Mrs. Brown, his parents, Nikolai, and me. My mom offered to come to help show her support, but I told her Nikolai would be there, and I could tell she felt uncomfortable with that idea. She still doesn’t like that he has a hold on me.
Planning Claude’s funeral wasn’t easy, especially when I had to tell his parents about his death. Edmund gave me their contact information.
When I reached out over the phone, I told them Claude had died as a hero saving my life. I expected them to resent me for it, but they were kind.
Now, we stand next to each other. Louis and Alice are crying on each other’s shoulders. I wish I could help them, but there’s nothing I can say or do that will change the fact that Claude is dead.
His casket is lowered into the ground, and the funeral officiant, a kind man name John, says a few words. “Claude was a son. He was a friend. He was a chef. He will be missed.”
Alice cries harder. My heart breaks for her. I can’t imagine losing a child. I know my mom can relate when she thought she lost me. She told me she went almost mad with fear and worry.
If I ever have children, I guess I’ll understand the weight of how much you can love them. But that’s assuming Nikolai and I have kids. My eyes flit over to him, standing a little way away from everyone else, resting on his cane. It makes him appear older than his thirty-one years.
His head is bowed to the earth so I can’t make out his expression. Things have been tense between us these past couple weeks while I’ve been planning Claude’s funeral. We haven’t had a true talk over what we’re going to do about our marriage.
I’m still not sure if I can stay with him despite my heart wanting to. But my brain knows that he lied to me. That he’s not a man I should love. My mom keeps telling me I need to move back in with her for good since I’ve been staying with her at her apartment.
I love my mom, and she’ll always be in my life. But is she my future? Or is Nikolai?
He glances up and catches me watching him. In true Nik fashion, he doesn’t look away. He holds my gaze, making me feel every emotion.
It becomes too much, and I have to avert my eyes back to Claude’s casket.
The guilt over Claude’s death is still with me, but planning his funeral has helped appease some of it. I’ll always probably feel some responsibility for his death. He did push me out of the way and got shot for it.
Anton is still out there. He hasn’t made himself known, and I have no idea what he’ll do in the future. If he’ll go back into the shadows or attack again. I feel like I keep looking over my shoulder, and it’s become exhausting.
I’m tired, I realize. I just want to feel safe in this world.
When the service ends, I turn to Louis and Alice.
“I’m so sorry for his death,” I say. “He was a good man.”
Alice smiles. She looks a lot like Claude, not surprisingly. “You can tell the truth. Claude had an attitude. He wasn’t always nice.”
“Well, he saved me. He really did die a hero.”
Louis puts his hand on my arm. “It wasn’t your fault. That little man”—he pointed at Edmund— “told us what happened. How he took a bullet for you. It’s not your fault he died. And thank you for planning the funeral so we didn’t have to. You’re a good person.”
His words make tears form in my eyes. “Thank you.” Louis’s words help appease some of the guilt. I’ll probably always feel it, but this helped.
Louis and Alice walk away, clinging to each other. Healing from the loss of a child won’t be easy for them, but they have each other. They’re not alone like I am. Or like Nikolai is.
He limps over to me.
“How’s your leg?” I ask.
“Getting better every day. But I might always have a limp. Add that to my scar.”
I smile slightly. “That doesn’t change you. Your scar has never bothered me.”
“So, my limp wouldn’t either?”
“It doesn’t bother me, Nik,” I whisper.
He stares at me intently. “Come back home.”
It would be so easy to. I want to fall back into his arms. Almost losing him made me realize I do truly love him. But I have to protect myself.
“I can’t,” I finally say, watching as his face falls in disappointment. “I just need time to think. My mom needs me.”
He nods heavily. “I know I deserve it. I want you to have your freedom, Ava. I want you to be happy.” He takes in a deep breath and lets it out slowly. “If you want, we can divorce.”
I suck in a breath. “Is that what you want?”
“God, no. I want you in my life. Forever. But if you want to be free of me … well, I’ll let you go. If that’s what you truly want.”
Is it what I want?
“I need to think,” I whisper, starting to walk away. “I’m sorry, Nik.”
He doesn’t stop me as I leave even though I wish he would.
NIKOLAI
Getting Maxim and Dimitri in one place at the same time isn’t easy, but I manage to convince them to meet me at a private, upscale bar.
“What is this about?” Maxim asks, hovering next to the table.
Dimitri slides into the booth before me, a large grin on his face. “We getting the team back together?”
“There was never a team,” Maxim says.
“I need your help,” I say. “There’s a man from my past?—”
“Already sounds kinky.”
I glare at Dimitri. “His name is Anton Volkov. He’s the reason I have this scar.” I point at my face. “He tried to kill me. Again. I’m not sure when he’ll strike in the future—if he even will. But I wanted to speak with you two. I want to cement an alliance between all of us. A partnership.”
“We’ve made peace,” Maxim says. “But it’s hard to trust you, Nikolai.”
“I know. I’ve made mistakes in the past. We all have.” I level a look at Dimitri, who pretends to look innocent even though we all know he’s the furthest thing from innocent. “But I’ve changed. I’ve realized what’s important in life.”
“Your wife?” Dimitri asks. “Where is Ava by the way? I heard she wasn’t living with you anymore.”
“My wife is none of your concern, Dimitri. I still haven’t fully forgiven you for kidnapping her to use her against me.”
He shrugs. “I had to do what I had to do. But we’re even now. I have no desire to kill you, Nik. You’re too much fun.”
I stifle a sigh. “Listen, I want to put the past behind us. I want to make amends. This is me moving to the future.”
“How do I know I can believe you?” Maxim asks.
“The truth? I’m trying to be a better man. For Ava. For … myself. And having a strong force behind me will keep Anton at bay. It will keep him from destroying this city. I propose a three-way split of all income we make. No one cheats. We each hire auditors to keep each other accountable. We truly share the rewards of this city. What do you say?”
Maxim lets out a long whistle. “It’s a good deal. Almost too good.”
“We’ll offer each other protection,” I say. “No backstabbing.” I look right at Maxim. “I promise.”
“I’m taking you at your word, Nikolai.”
“You’ve given me new scars, Maxim. I can forgive you for torturing me if you can forgive me for my past transgressions.”
He looks at me for a moment before nodding. “I can do that.”
Dimitri claps his hands together. “I can do that, too. I’d love a fun partnership. What do we say, boys? Shake on it?”
And we all do.
It’s a tentative alliance. I think all three of us know it could crash and burn at any moment. But I’m trying to make peace.
I could go after Anton. Track him down and kill him. But I’m trying to do better. Lead with strength rather than bloodshed. I don’t have to rule this city through fear. I can rule it through partnerships.
I think about Ava as I leave the bar. Would she be proud of me? I think she would.
She’s been staying with her mom, and the longer I go without seeing her, the more I crave her. I desperately want to kiss her. To make her mine again.
But she’s chosen a life without me. I have to respect that.
That still doesn’t stop me from driving over to her mother’s apartment.
My hand shakes as I knock on the door.
Ava answers. “Nik?” She doesn’t immediately shut the door on me, so I take that to be a good sign.
“I’m not here to make you feel any sort of way. I just wanted to let you know I’ll always keep you safe. No matter what happens. You can always call me if you’re in trouble.”
Her eyes soften. “I know. I know you’ll still keep me safe. We’re still married after all.”
“And even if we weren’t, I would still protect you, Ava. You need to know that.”
“Do you not want to be married any longer?”
“No,” I say gruffly. “I miss you. Fuck, I miss you.” I hate to ask, but I have to. “Do you want a divorce?”
“Ava?” Camille’s voices rings out, and then she appears in the doorway. “Oh. You.”
I know she hates me, and she has every right to. “Camille.”
“You should leave,” she says, shutting the door on my face. Ava doesn’t stop her.
As I walk away, I realize she never told me if she wants a divorce or not. I have to push down the hope that blossoms within me.
I know Ava’s school schedule, so I know when she won’t be at her mother’s apartment. I come back, not to talk to Ava but to talk to Camille.
“What are you doing back?” Camille asks, keeping her body angled behind the door.
“I just want to talk. Please.”
“I’ve never heard a man who looks like you say ‘please’ before.”
“Camille, I know you hate me. I know I fucked up. I know I hurt your daughter. But you also need to know I love her.”
“You don’t buy someone you love.”
“I know. I didn’t love her back then. It was just possession for me. But I love her now, and that’s why I’ve let her go.”
“But you’re still here. You haven’t let her go.”
“I’ll never be able to fully let Ava go. But I’ve granted her a divorce if she wants it. She doesn’t have to be tied to me ever again. I wanted to let you know I would die for your daughter. I wanted to let you know you don’t need to fear me.”
Camille’s expression softens slightly, and she opens the door wider. “Ok. I believe you. I don’t even know why, but I do.”
“I’m not Anton. I will never kidnap you or your daughter. I’ll walk away right now and leave you be. But I just needed you to know this.”
She doesn’t say a word, so I turn to leave.
“Thank you,” she whispers.
I give her a nod in return.
AVA
Each day that passes, the ache within me grows. It’s getting to be a problem where I can’t even think when I’m at school. I can’t get Nikolai off my mind.
I love him. I know it. Maybe it’s crazy, and maybe it doesn’t make sense, but it’s how I feel. I’m drawn to him. I want to be around him.
I want to be with him.
But I don’t want to disappoint my mom.
“Honey?” she asks over dinner. “Are you ok? You look out of it.”
“Mmm?” I lower my fork. Barely any of my food has been eaten. Claude would be so upset with me. “I just have a lot on my mind.”
“School?”
I shrug.
“Nikolai?” she asks hesitantly.
I force myself to look at her. “I miss him, Mom.”
“Honey …”
“I know you think I shouldn’t. I know you think I should move on from him. But I can’t stop thinking about him almost dying in my arms. I didn’t want to lose him then, and I don’t want to lose him now. I’m worried the longer I stay away, he won’t want me.”
She makes a sound at the back of her throat. “Honey, he’ll still want you. He—he came by the other day.”
“What?”
“He wanted to let me know he would leave you alone. Both of us alone. But he just wanted me to know he wouldn’t hurt us.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Because you’re right. I do want you to move on. But I can see it’s hurting you. I don’t want you to make my own mistakes.”
“Nikolai is not like my father.”
“Maybe not. But he’s not a good man.”
I sigh. My fork clatters to the plate. “He wasn’t. But now, he’s shown he’s capable of empathy and selflessness. He has goodness in him.”
“But is it enough?”
I consider her words. I know my mom just worries for me. We lost time with each other that we can never get back.
But she’s my mom. She’ll always be in my life, but she’s not my future.
Nik is.
“I love him,” I say. “And I haven’t told him that. He deserves to know how I feel. I know he’s not what you want for me. But I need to make my own decisions in life, starting with this.”
Her eyes water, and she waves her hand around her face to stop her tears. “Honey, I’m proud of you, you know? You’ve grown into such a beautiful, strong woman. I just want you to be safe.”
“Do you think Nik would hurt me? Answer honestly.”
“No,” she says after a long beat. “No, I don’t think he’ll hurt you.”
“I have to go see him. I have to tell him how I feel. It hurts being away from him.”
“So, then, go. I’ll be here whenever you need me. You know that.”
“Oh, Mom.” I move around the table to give her a hug. She squeezes me back like she’s never going to see me again, which we both know isn’t true. We’ll always be close. It’s just time for me to live my own life.
She lets me go.
I leave the apartment, my heart beating so fast it hurts, and take the subway to Nikolai’s house. I guess, technically, it’s my house as well since we’re still married. But does Nik think of it as my house? Will I be welcomed back?
I ring the doorbell.
Edmund answers, his eyes widening when he sees me. “Ava?”
“Is Nik home?”
“He’s in his office.”
“Can I see him?”
He lets out an awkward laugh. “You don’t need my permission.”
I offer Edmund a kind smile, paying him back for all the kind smiles he offered me. Then I go to Nik’s office and knock on the door.
“What is it, Mrs. Brown?” he asks.
I crack the door open. “It’s not Mrs. Brown.”
His head snaps up to meet my gaze. “Ava, what are you doing here?”
There are so many things I could say. I could pour my heart out to him. I could tell him everything that’s been on my mind for weeks.
But there’s only one thing that comes to me.
“I don’t want a divorce.”
He’s on his feet and standing before me within seconds. I don’t take a step back. In fact, I take a step closer to him.
And then we’re kissing.
It’s rough and passionate and wild and tender and everything in between. Neither of us stops kissing, even as Nikolai lifts me from the waist and carries me to his bedroom.
Not mine. His.
Even when he tries to set me down, I cling to him harder. Nikolai complies and kisses me deeper while lowering me to the bed. Our bodies are squished together, and honestly, it’s perfect.
Our hands are frantic on each other’s bodies as we tug at each other’s clothes. His hands brush against my thighs as he pushes my dress up, making me shiver in the best way possible. My hands undo the buttons on his shirt, and then I shove it off his shoulders. Nikolai’s chest, with all its scars, is perfect to me.
He brings my dress over my head, taking my bra off with it. Our bare skin touches as we lie back down. Chest to chest. His heartbeat to mine.
Nik’s strong hands cup my breasts then my waist then my hips. I never want him to stop touching me.
I gasp against his lips as he bucks his hips against mine. Arousal flares through me. I’ve been missing his touch for weeks now. I need it. I need it so badly.
He rips my panties off me without a word and brings his fingers between my legs. I moan when he brushes my clit. A jolt of pleasure shoots through me. It’s electrifying. It’s thrilling. It’s everything I’ve missed in Nikolai.
I tug at his pants, pushing them down. He kicks his pants and underwear off. My eyes rake over his naked body. God, he’s handsome.
Nikolai’s intense eyes take me in, too, sending a flare of arousal through me. Just one look can make me crazy.
“I need you,” I whisper, arching my back.
“You got me.” He spreads my legs and settles between them. Our foreheads press together. Our bare chests touch. Our lips are an inch apart.
And then he’s inside of me.
Moaning, we cling to each other, my hands on his strong shoulders and his hands around my waist. He grabs my left thigh and hitches it higher around his waist as he begins to thrust into me.
Our pace is wild and frantic. This isn’t slow lovemaking, but it is lovemaking. I never want it to end.
“Oh,” I gasp as he grinds against me. I raise my hips to match his rhythm. Our eyes never leave each other. This is too important.
He pushes deeper inside me, filling me up so much I can barely breathe. “Ava,” he groans. Knowing I can make a man as powerful as Nikolai crazy like this only makes me love him more.
“Nik,” I whisper back, placing my hands on his chest. I want to feel his heartbeat.
Our breath becomes synchronized as we move as one.
Pleasure spikes through me with every thrust. My toes and fingers curl from it.
“I need you,” I say again as he thrusts harder into me. “I want to stay.”
“I don’t want to lose you again,” he pants.
“Oh, Nik!” I cry out as my orgasm hits me.
He brings my leg higher around his waist as he really dives his erection into me. My inner walls clench down on him as my pleasure soars through me.
And then his release comes next.
He groans, holding me closer and burying his head into the crook of my neck.
We hold each other for a long time, just breathing.
Nikolai eventually lets me go, rolling onto his back. This time, he doesn’t pull away. He remains with me.
“Nik,” I say, curling into his side. “You need to know something.”
“What is it?” There’s worry in his eyes. I’ve put that there.
“I love you.”
His eyes widen and then they relax, and next thing I know, he’s kissing me again. “I thought you were telling me goodbye.”
“No. I’m here to stay. I don’t want to breakup. I told you I love you while you were dying, so I figured you hadn’t heard me.”
“I’m hearing you now.” He cups my face in his big, strong hand. “And I love you, too. Fuck, I love you so much.”
We kiss again, letting it linger and just be.
When we pull back apart, I rest my head on his chest. “There are a few things we need to discuss first. We decide right here and now that we’ll trust each other. We’ll always be there for each other. No lying. No deceiving. We trust we can tell each other the truth and the other one can take it.”
“I agree. You don’t know how much I regret not telling you about your mom.”
“You can make it up to me now. I want us to get to know each other. Really know each other.”
“Ask anything you want.”
“You know my life. Who my parents are. But I don’t even know anything about yours. I want to fill in those gaps so I can keep falling in love with you every day. This is the only way this marriage works.”
“My parents …” He puts his arm behind his head, making his bicep flex. “They were pretty shitty, honestly. Dad was a deadbeat. Mom worked as a prostitute. She tried to provide for me, but she always brought men home with her that I didn’t know.”
“What happened to them?”
“My mom caught some sort of virus and died. I was just a kid. Placed in the foster care because my dad wasn’t around. I worked odd jobs as a kid for dangerous men. Bratva men. I worked my way up the ranks to get where I am now.”
“A real rags to riches story.” I shake my head. “I knew none of this about you. I want to know more.”
“How much more?”
“All of it.”
“I have a lot of stories I could tell you. Not all of them good,” he admits.
“I want to learn it all. The good and the bad. I don’t want there to be any barriers between us, Nik. No more pulling away. I want you to be completely and utterly honest with me, and I’ll do the same with you.”
“Are there secrets you’re keeping?”
“Maybe.”
He grabs my waist and rolls me onto my back. “Then tell me.”
“Only if you kiss me first.”
He obliges by kissing me so deeply and tenderly, I feel it all the way into my bones.
“Ok,” I say. “I’ll tell you about the secret I’ve been keeping my entire life.” I let out a long exhale. “I killed my childhood goldfish and flushed it down the toilet without my parents knowing. When they asked where he went, I just told them he somehow escaped.”
Nikolai stares at me for a long moment before laughing. Soon, I join in, too.
We laugh together for a long time after that.
There’s so much we still have to learn about each other, but we have the rest of our lives to do that.
For right now, I just want to remain in Nikolai’s arms and laugh the day away with him. His laugh is the best sound I’ve ever heard.
We were always meant to be together, but this time, I got to make the choice to return to him.
And it was the best choice I have ever made.
The End