Chapter 28
CHAPTER
TWENTY-EIGHT
HOLDEN
Jerking awake with a snort, I rubbed my face and stood from the chair I’d fallen asleep in. Immediately, I glanced at my sister lying in the hospital bed. She looked the same as before I fell asleep—broken.
Her leg was lifted in a sling that came down from the ceiling and was wrapped in a hard white cast that went up to her thigh. A pink cast covered her hand and wrist, the only thing that didn’t appear muted in this room. Her face was covered in scratches, and there was a large bandage covering her eye. She seemed fragile.
A nd it’s all your fault.
Swallowing, I tried to push away the guilt. I’d gone off on Emerson, but I only had myself to blame. I’d attacked her in front of a crowd, and Hope wasn’t one to be embarrassed. Then I’d escalated it by demanding she answer me in front of all the people she deemed important.
But fuck. That article…
I still couldn’t believe the things I’d read. The things Emerson had written. How could that version of Hope and my baby sister be the same person ?
Standing, I tugged at the ends of my hair and paced to the end of the bed. I couldn’t believe I’d allowed Emerson to get under my skin like she had. I’d been so dumb. So weak.
Only one week in, and I’d already taken my eyes off the ball. I’d worked too hard and sacrificed too much to let it all go now.
But…
Staring at Hope in the hospital bed, I couldn’t help but question if the sacrifices were worth it. I’d been fighting for something for so long, but had I been mistaken? Was I focused on the wrong thing?
Fucking. Hell. My mind was all over the damn place.
“You’re going to wear a hole in the floor.”
Spinning, I found Hope’s brown eye staring at me, the other still covered. I rushed to her side, then hesitated when I didn’t know where to touch. Everything looked like it hurt.
“How are you feeling?”
“Like I’ve been hit by a car… Oh, wait. I was.”
I scowled. “Not funny, Hope.”
“It’s a little funny.”
Sighing, I pulled my chair closer and sat down to stop myself from hovering. We stared at one another for a long while. Neither of us was great at talking about real shit.
“I’m sorry,” I rasped, my voice hoarse.
“What are you sorry about?” she asked.
“I betrayed you. I…” I shook my head. I wasn’t going to make excuses. Dad always did that, and I vowed to never be like him.
“No, you didn’t, Holden.” Hope sighed, her voice small and defeated.
I snapped my eyes up to her, and she gave me a wobbly smile. Tentatively, I reached out to touch her unharmed hand. When she didn’t pull away, I took it and marveled at how small it looked in mine. Hope always appeared larger than life, that I forgot how tiny she actually was .
“I’m a bitch, Holden.”
“Hope!”
“What? It’s true. I have been for a long time.” She turned away and bit her lip. “I’m not proud of the things I’ve done. Everything…” Her voice wobbled, and she cleared her throat. “Everything Emmy said was true. I’ve made her life hell.” She turned back to me, her eyes watery and her face open. Without all the makeup, I saw the vulnerable little girl I remembered.
“Doesn’t mean you should’ve been hit by a car,” I grumbled.
“No. That part sucked, but I’ve been waiting for years for karma to collect. At least that’s off my shoulders.”
“You can’t be serious. You’re glad this happened?” The desire to stand and pace again was overwhelming.
“The thing about seeing your life flash before your eyes is that you see all your mistakes. Lying there, my body hurting and on fire with pain, I knew if I got another chance, I wanted to do better. I have a lot of wrongs to repair, and I want to start with you.”
“Me?” I scowled. “You don’t owe me anything. It’s my fault. I left you alone, and when you needed me, I attacked you instead of giving you a chance to explain.” Shame covered my words, and I cast my eyes to the floor.
“When you’re done being the martyr, let me know. I don’t have time for your pity party. I have my own to attend.”
“Hope,” I grumbled.
“Holden,” she mimicked back. We stared at one another, both of our stubbornness rising to the surface. “You don’t have to agree for me to feel remorse.”
Thoughts raced through my mind, and I weighed my words. “Why did you bully Emerson? She’s…” Perfect . The words turned to ash on my tongue.
God. I wasn’t any better. Try as I might, I hadn’t avoided all of my dad’s characteristics. Being an asshole to others and taking out your frustration on them hadn’t skipped over me.
Hope exhaled a long breath, looking off to the side for a beat before speaking. “I was jealous. She had everything I wanted, yet didn’t care about any of it. Her family had money. She lived in a nice house and had her own bathroom! She didn’t have to worry about if there would be enough to eat, or having to buy clothes from the local thrift store and worry that your classmate would recognize their throwaways.
“Hell, she could’ve even used her wealth to be popular. But she didn’t. She never cared about that stuff. All she cared about was dance, and she was good. It came so easily to her, and I worked my ass off to be half the dancer she was.
“She invited me over to her house in middle school for sleepovers, and it was like being on vacation. Her mom would make us cookies, and we’d swim and watch movies in the theater room. She’d go through her closet, giving me anything I wanted. She was so nice and selfless!”
Hope’s eyes widened, like she couldn’t believe Emerson had the audacity to be a decent person. Unable to fight my grin, I covered my mouth.
“Then her mom died, and I thought she’d abandoned me. So, instead of being a good friend and a decent person, I retaliated. I struck out and used things she’d told me in confidence to gain friends. Popularity.” She met my eyes, tears filling the brims. “It was the same summer you didn’t come to Mom’s to visit. I felt so invisible, like no one cared. I just wanted to feel seen.”
“Hope, I never meant?—”
“I know, Holden. And just because I felt a certain way doesn’t give me free rein to hurt others. I didn’t set out to bully her. The first time was an accident. I said something in anger, and the popular girls ate it up. They invited me to do things with them, and I liked feeling wanted. The more I put Emmy down, the more they asked me to do things. I felt vindicated because she’d ignored me all summer, like I was replaceable.
“When school started, I learned her mom had died, and I felt like a piece of shit. Guilt ate at me, and I tried to make it right, but it only worsened it. The damage had been done, and all the girls targeted Emmy. I was too weak to stand up to them or lose the power they gave me, so I doubled down.”
Tears streamed down her cheeks, and I mourned for the choices my sister had made. They’d been all wrong and had hurt an innocent person. Unfortunately, I knew what that felt like and the shame that accompanied it.
“I can understand how you got into this mess, but why didn’t you stop? You’re better than that, Hope.”
“I’m not, though, Holden. I’m not strong like you. The popularity felt too good. I needed it. I didn’t know how to function without it. It became an evil cycle. The more I hurt her, the more popularity I gained. I’d feel bad, but eventually, I could turn off the shame and console myself that she had everything else. I could have popularity for myself. And it worked. I ignored the guilt, so I didn’t have to lose everything.”
I tightened my fists into balls and clenched my jaw. “Why did you start again? You could’ve let it go. That video… That was messed up, Hope.”
“I know. It just felt like she was swooping in and taking everything I’d built here without even trying. Again .” She sucked in a shaky breath.
“Was her being on the dance team really that bad?”
Hope laughed, the sound sharp and hollow. “Yes. She’s too good for the dance team and would’ve overshadowed everyone. And next year, when I wanted to be captain, who would they choose? Half of the girls already wanted to do it this year. Emmy doesn’t even try; she just walks in and takes everything I work for! ”
“Hope. Come on. You can’t believe that. She’s worked hard to be a great dancer.”
“Yeah, well, she’s on campus one day and already had Colter following her around like a lost puppy,” she huffed, turning her head. I caught the tear that fell and sighed.
“It’s never gonna happen with Colter. You’re not right for each other.”
“Way to soften your blows, brother.”
“Sorry, but I know he’s told you the same, and you haven’t listened. And I don’t see how having a good dancer on the team could be bad. I just don’t.” I crossed my arms. I wasn’t blameless, but maybe I could get Hope to admit how ridiculous her reasoning was.
“Well, it’s the truth. I’m a selfish bitch who couldn’t share the spotlight.” Her words were clipped.
“I don’t believe that. There has to be something else. Talk to me, Hope.”
Hope deflated and turned away from me, her lip wobbling. “I don’t know what to tell you, Holden. I’m just not a good person.” I opened my mouth to protest, but she cut me off. “Can you get me some water? And maybe see if I can eat? I’d really like a milkshake from Shake Shack.”
I bit my tongue to stop myself. I couldn’t push her or she’d clam up forever. Plus, she needed to recover; we could deal with the rest later. Standing, I wiped my hands on my shorts and nodded. “Yeah. I’ll be back. Mom said she’d be by later with some clothes. I sent her and Milton home this morning to get some sleep and a shower.”
Hope nodded, her eyes closed as tears fell down her cheeks. Grabbing my keys from the tray, I exited the room in silence. I didn’t know what to do with the stuff Hope had told me. It made everything that much more complicated. Not to mention how last night, I’d been so angry that I hadn’t thought about the repercussions of my actions. With Hope or Emerson .
Shit. I’d made a mess. What right did I have to judge either of them?
Walking by the nurse’s station, I stopped and asked them to take Hope some water and verified she could have food. Once I had clearance, I stepped out of the hospital and climbed into my truck. My hands itched to reach for my phone and call Colter, but I wasn’t ready to face him and the shitstorm I’d created.
You’re not any better than Hope.
I needed to do better.
I couldn’t hold Hope accountable if I wasn’t willing to do the same.
My thoughts regarding Emerson were so jumbled. The lies and truths swirled together, creating a vortex. I wanted to hate Emerson for the things she’d written, regardless of whether they were deserved. Hope was my sister, and I didn’t like seeing her hurt. But it didn’t excuse her actions. She’d hurt Emerson for years. The extent of her bullying was mind blowing.
Fuck. I felt so torn between protecting my sister or Emerson.
Not that you deserve her.
No, I didn’t deserve her. I hadn’t treated her any better than Hope.
Grabbing shakes and burgers, I headed back to the hospital with my own guilt weighing on me. Once I had Hope sorted, I needed to find Emerson and apologize. I didn’t know where we went from here. Or if we could. I honestly wouldn’t blame her if she kneed me in the balls again. But at the least, I owed her an apology.
Nodding at the nurse sitting at the desk, I walked to Hope’s room, pausing when I got to the door. It had been left open a crack and voices floated out. Electricity zipped along my spine, and the hair on my arms rose, telling me who it was. Wildcat .
“I can’t believe you’re here,” Hope said.
“Believe me. It’s the last place I expected to be.” Emerson paused. “I know it’s not my fault you got hurt, but I am sorry.”
“Come on, it’s not like you haven’t thought about pushing me in front of a car before,” Hope challenged.
“Oh, I’ve thought about it. Plenty. But thinking about it and doing it are two different things. I’d never want you to lose dance, Hope. I might not like you, but I know how much you love it.”
“But I don’t love it,” Hope whispered.
“What?” Emerson gasped. “But… I don’t understand. If you don’t love dance, then why…”
“Did I bully you so much?”
“I mean, yeah.”
Hope sighed. “I’m a selfish bitch. I looked at your life and saw someone who had everything and didn’t appreciate it.”
“That’s not fair. My life hasn’t been easy just because we had money. And appreciation… how would you know what I appreciate? You haven’t been my friend for years. Just because I don’t want to flaunt or use it to make people like me doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate it.”
“Like I said, I’m selfish. You said you’re sorry. You can go now.”
“Wait, you told my dad you wanted to talk to me.”
“It’s… nothing. Drugs make me say weird things.”
“I don’t believe you, but I’m not going to beg you to tell me. There’s just one thing I don’t understand. Why leave me roses and notes? Especially that last one. Was it to remind me of Lex?”
The mention of a guy’s name made my blood boil, and I had to readjust the shakes so I didn’t spill them on the floor by squeezing them too hard.
“I never left you those things.”
“Yes, you did,” Emerson said. “Here. ”
“That’s not from me. I barely had enough money to afford food. I wasn’t going to spend it on roses for you. No offense.”
“But if you didn’t…”
It was quiet for a while, and I almost pushed in the door.
“It’s him. Isn’t it?” Hope whispered.
“But I thought…” Emerson’s voice shook, and I caught a hint of fear in her voice.
Curiosity got the better of me, and I finally pushed open the door. They jumped apart, their faces stricken as they stared at me.
“Who the fuck is leaving you roses?” I bellowed.
Emerson’s face went white, and she slumped into a chair. Her eyes fell to the ground and moved back and forth like she was reliving something.
I set the food on the tray and glanced at Hope. Her eyes held the same fear, and she nodded to Emerson after meeting my eyes. Dropping down to my knees, I cupped Emerson’s face.
“Wildcat, look at me.” It took her a minute, but she eventually looked up. “What is it? What’s wrong?”
“I thought it was Hope. But it’s not.”
“What’s not? Wildcat, tell me.”
She glanced at Hope, and they shared a look, something passing between them. Emerson finally turned back to me, her green eyes wide and fearful.
“He’s back.”
Those two words sent cold dread filling my gut. Just what the fuck was going on now?