Chapter 38
CHAPTER
THIRTY-EIGHT
HOLDEN
I was such a fuckup. I had no excuse why, either. If the past month had taught me anything, it was that I’d fallen in love with Emerson. Even knowing that, I still couldn’t seem to make myself tell her.
Seeing her in that dress, hearing my mom’s words, and dancing with her today was everything.
She was everything.
So, why couldn’t I tell her? Or get out of my own way and make a move? It had been easier when we hated each other. Now… it just seemed like there was so much more on the line.
And because you’re a fuckup.
And around and around the carousel I went.
My phone vibrated, and I jumped, hitting the horn in the process, and then jumping again.
“What?” I grumbled when I answered the call. Colter’s smiling face was not what I wanted to see.
“So, you’re still in your head, I see?” His face scrunched up, and I rolled my eyes .
“The best thing about being away from you for two days was not receiving the Colter inquisition.”
“Lies. You miss it.”
I snorted. Fucking Colter. The dude was just too sincere to hate him. I sighed and scrubbed a hand over my face. “Is there a reason you called?”
“I just talked with Mer. I thought you were going to fix things finally?”
That had been the plan. Yet, hearing about her dad had derailed me. Or at least that was the excuse I told myself. Waking up with her humping my leg and squeezing my dick had been something else this morning. I’d barely gotten any sleep lying next to her. I’d finally gotten to smell her, feel her next to me, and touch her again. I’d been a man starved, desperate for scraps.
“Yeah, well. I’m a coward.”
“No, you’re not. Talk to me, man. What’s holding you back?”
I stayed quiet for a minute as my thoughts swirled. So many things popped up, but they were all thinly disguised excuses. The truth was… I didn’t believe I deserved her.
“She’s better off without me, Colt. You two are great together. I’ll just fuck it up. I don’t know how to be in a relationship. The only thing I’m good at is football. I need to focus on that. Anything else is asking for too much.”
“Bullshit.”
“Excuse me?” I scoffed.
“Most of what you just said is shit. Lies you’re grasping to protect yourself. There was only one true thing.”
“Oh, are you a psych major all of a sudden?”
“Hell, no. People suck. Animals are much better. And Mer pegged you right. You’re a German Shepard.”
I rolled my eyes. “Not this shit again. Your boss is a kook, Colt.” Emerson had drawn a dog for her portrait of me in class, stating how I was loyal and protective .
“Sandy might be eccentric, but she’s not a kook. And her theory is sound. Though?—”
“Can you get to the point and quit with the dog psychology?”
“Fine. Only because Mer is sending me a video, and I want some private time.” My skin heated, and my cock took notice, twitching at the thought of Emerson. “The only true thing was that Mer and I are great together.”
“Perfect. Now go and live your life happily and leave me alone.” I gritted my teeth. I didn’t need him rubbing it in.
“Simmer down, Shep. We are great together, but the three of us would be amazing. You think you don’t know how to be in a relationship, but you’ve had one with me for years. Yes, it’s not sexual, but it’s a relationship. Stop being so scared, tell her how you feel, and then we can kick even more ass at football because you won’t be brooding as much.”
“I’m not brooding.”
He rolled his eyes. “Says the brooder. Of course, that was the only thing you heard.” He sighed heavily. “Listen, I’m done trying to convince you to pull the stick out of your ass. This is your moment, Hol. If you don’t seize it, you’re gonna lose her forever. She’s about to close the door on you, and I don’t blame her. I wouldn’t put up with your hot and cold attitude, either.”
Anger roared, and I barely held myself back from throwing the phone. But I wasn’t mad at Colter—it was at myself.
“Nothing in life is guaranteed, man. You’ve spent most of yours preparing for the NFL, but you still might not make it. Or you might get injured at training camp. Or you might have one of the best careers in the league. Who the fuck knows? That’s the point. No one knows the future. But if you fear what could happen, you miss out on everything happening now. The three of us… that’s a fucking fantastic dream, Hol. My best friend and best girl.” He sighed wistfully until his ph one dinged, and his eyes heated. “And there’s my gift. Make a choice. In or out. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
He hung up before I could respond, and I sat there staring at the blank screen for a few minutes. The memory of her dancing that first night and how drawn I’d been to her raced through my mind. I might not deserve her; I might fuck it up, but even fighting with Wildcat had been better than anything else in my life.
Losing her… fear wrapped around my midsection and didn’t let go. Suddenly, I couldn’t get out of the truck fast enough.
I barreled into the house, coming to a stop after my abrupt entrance. A movie played on the TV, and Hope lay on the couch under a blanket. She looked up when I entered. I should probably check if she needed anything, but now that I’d made up my mind, I didn’t want to waste a second.
“About time.”
Her words halted my steps, and I glanced at her over my shoulder. “Excuse me?”
“I saw you wrestling with your thoughts in the truck. You love her, Holden. Stop wasting time.”
I gaped at her. Was she for real? “I thought you hated her?”
She rolled her eyes. “No. I only hated that she had the life I wanted. Emerson’s a good person. She’s good for you.”
“Thanks?”
Hope laughed, and I softened. It had been such a long time since we’d hung out this much that I’d forgotten what her laugh sounded like. I cleared my throat. “You need anything?”
“Just some noise-canceling headphones.”
“What?” I chuckled.
Hope shook her head. “Nothing. Go. I’m just going to turn this movie up really loud. ”
I blushed. God. When had I ever blushed before?
Hope hit the volume, and I took it as my cue that I was dismissed. Quickly, I climbed the stairs two at a time, but then hesitated at the door. Should I head in or knock? Screw it. I shoved open the door and stared into the room. The sofa bed was still upright, and I looked away, not wanting to be reminded how close I’d been to losing a limb in that death trap.
Emerson wasn’t in the bed, but the sound of the shower filtered from under the bathroom door. Locking the door behind me, I stripped out of my suit and padded toward the last remaining door between me and my Wildcat.
I didn’t know why bathrooms had become such a focal point of our relationship, but they had. It felt fitting that this would take place here, too.
Steam billowed out of the bathroom when I opened the door. Emerson had her back to me as she hummed along to a song in her head. She did that a lot. She’d hum and sway to it like her body couldn’t stand not to be dancing. I devoured the sight of her naked backside, watching how the water sluiced over her skin.
God, I loved her curves.
My feet moved, and I blinked when the water hit me. Emerson did that to me. She called to me without even trying. Reaching out, I placed my hands on her hips.
“Ahh!” she screamed, spinning and throwing her loofah at me. Soap hit me in the eye, and I jerked back away from her.
“Shit.”
“Oh my god, Holden! I’m so sorry. You scared me. I thought you were… Nevermind. Are you okay? No, of course not, because you have soap in your eye. Here.”
She pulled me forward, and water cascaded over my head. The burning eased as the water washed the soap out. I opened my eye a few times, wincing at the shot of water, but the longer I did it, the better it felt.
“You okay?” she asked, cupping my face.
I opened my eyes and stared into hers—the green so familiar and comforting, I knew I’d been an idiot.
“I am now.”
She smiled, and the last chain on my heart broke free, soaring toward her. Nothing was keeping me from her anymore.
“I should be furious at you for crashing my shower, but I can’t find it in myself to be. Bathrooms are kind of our confessionals, huh?”
“Something like that, Wildcat.” I bent down to pick up the loofah she’d thrown. “What’s with you throwing things at me in the shower? Though, not a bad weapon. Stun them with soap.”
“I panicked.” She giggled and lightning raced up my heart.
“Are you done in here? Can I steal your shower?”
“I just need to wash my face.”
I grabbed the shampoo off the shelf and squirted some in my hand while she washed her face. It was torture not to touch her, but I didn’t want to until I confessed, and I didn’t want to be in this small shower when I did. Rinsing out the soap, I quickly washed myself and turned off the shower when Emerson nodded that she was done. We stepped out together, and I grabbed the towel to dry her off.
“Not that I don’t appreciate the pampering, but now that the adrenaline is gone… Why did you steal my shower? This isn’t a one-shower situation like the bed. We’re not really at the naked friends stage.”
I didn’t say anything as I dried her. She huffed at my silence, only making me smile more instead of answering. Once she was dry, I toweled off and picked up her brush. She crossed her arms. I think she wanted to appear intimidating, but all it did was draw my eyes to her breasts.
“Answer me.”
“That’s not doing what you think.” I motioned down to my cock. It stood at attention, very happy with the image of her before us. She grumbled but dropped her arms. I watched as she tried to act unaffected, but her nipples were hard, and her chest flushed from more than just the shower. Her pulse fluttered in her neck, and her breaths came quicker the longer I scanned her. Biting my lip, I motioned for her to turn around. She finally complied but pouted and glared at me through the mirror.
“I wanted to be near you, Wildcat. Let me brush your hair, and I’ll tell you something.”
“Fine.” She grabbed a spray bottle and spritzed something in her hair, then nodded so I could start. I didn’t know why I liked brushing it so much, but I’d become addicted. Running my fingers through her hair was apparently a new kink.
“I told you why my mom left my dad and how I went to live with him.” She nodded. “I did it so it would be easier for my mom, but I never imagined how difficult it would be for me.”
“What do you mean?”
“In a town that revered football, I became the talk of it. Scouts, the media, even the cashier at the Piggly Wiggly talked about how I did every Friday night. It was nice at first, to be seen. But then my dad took a new interest. He saw me as something he could manipulate in his favor. He’d either pump me up before a game or tear me down. I was too young to notice a pattern, but eventually, I did.
When he supported me, I played better, and we’d win by a large margin. The games where he tore me down, we’d lose. His words ripped me up, and I hated how much he affected me. I didn’t like that he had that much control over me. So, I worked on it.
I practiced tuning everything else out and going into my football zone. The only thing that mattered there was running the plays. Of course, he wasn’t happy about this development and doubled down on the emotional abuse. That’s when I realized what he’d been doing all along…manipulating me for bets. When the spread was good, he’d praise me, and when it wasn’t, well…” I trailed off, shrugging.
“That’s awful. I’m so sorry, Holden.”
“Yeah, well, it didn’t end there.” I blew out a breath and met her eyes in the mirror. “When he couldn’t manipulate my emotions, he found other ways. He’d slip me money and buy things. I believed his lies about having a new job. Then, he needed me to lose a game, and I told him no. That’s when he revealed he’d been giving me a cut, making me an accomplice, and threatened to report me to the NCAA if I didn’t comply.” I gritted my teeth. I hated this next part. I’d never admitted it aloud to anyone.
“It messed me up so much. I wrestled with what to do. I thought about walking away so he couldn’t control me. But the dream I’d had for so long was hard to give up, so then I’d wondered if giving in would really be that big of a deal. When it came time for the game, I still didn’t know what I would do and my focus slipped. In a split second hesitation, I messed up a play and… and… someone got hurt.”
Emerson spun around, cupping my face in her hands. “Oh, Hol. It wasn’t your fault.”
“It feels like it is. That kid is lucky to walk, but he’ll never play football again. I took that away from him.”
“No, you didn’t. As much as you’re treated like a god, you’re not actually one. Injuries happen. There’s no way to know if you’d done everything exactly right if it wouldn’t have had the same outcome in the end. You can’t control everything, Hol. No matter how much you want to. ”
Her fingers wiped away my tears, and I nodded. It felt good to unburden myself, to share this grief I’d been carrying around for years.
“Is that why you became so focused on football?”
“Yeah. It felt like I had to make it for me and that kid. I had to prove all the sacrifices were worth it.”
Emerson nodded. “What did your dad do after that?”
A wry chuckle left me. “He tried to blackmail me some more. Threatened Hope and Mom. There was always some scheme he had, promising me riches beyond my belief.” I rolled my eyes. “I became so stressed out, my game suffered, and eventually I was no use to him. The summer before my senior year, he got arrested for something non-gambling related and had to do time. I had one year left but was already eighteen, so I worked it out to stay with a teammate. That was the year it all turned around for me. Without him hounding me, I focused and played the best I ever had. It got me noticed again, and I was offered scholarships to several universities. For the first time, I felt like I was good at something, really good.”
“You’re good at a lot of things outside of football, Holden.” I shook my head. Her fingers wrapped around the nape of my neck, running through the hair and settling me. “I’m sorry your dad was such a dick. We have more in common than I thought.”
“What do you mean?” I asked, confused.
“He bullied you.”
“No, he didn’t. He was my father,” I protested.
“And Hope was my friend at one time.” She shrugged. “Bullying doesn’t look the same every time. You were made to do things you didn’t want to out of fear and harm coming to you or others. That’s bullying. He took away your agency and made you feel like you were worthless.”
I blinked. I hadn’t ever thought of it that way. “Damn.”
“Is that why you shut yourself off from people? ”
I grimaced, but nodded. “He got out my sophomore year, but then I got injured, so he left me alone. I think… subconsciously, I believed if I had anyone in my life, he’d use them against me, and I was sick of being used. Keeping my focus on football made it easier to protect myself. No one questioned it, and I stayed safe in my little bubble. That was until I walked into a club and a beautiful dancer shook my entire foundation. You took my breath away, Wildcat.” I sucked in a breath. My hands shook, but I lifted them and cupped her face.
“That morning, you made it clear we wouldn’t be anything more, and I tried to hate you for being someone else who only wanted me for one thing. But I couldn’t stop thinking about you. When I saw you at the house, I thought I’d finally gotten something good. Then Hope lied to me, and I easily believed her because I was scared of wanting something and losing it. No matter how much I told myself to stay away, I couldn’t. You fought back with me, and I craved that jolt of life you gave me. Then Hope got hurt, and once again, I was reminded how anything good in my life could be taken away. So, I pushed you away, knowing you were the one person who could destroy me. But I destroyed myself instead.”
“No—”
“I’m a complete fucking mess, Wildcat. I’ve screwed up so much. I’ve been doing this stupid dance and messing up all the steps. I’ve tried being cruel. I’ve tried being friendly. Hell, I’ve even tried to be indifferent. None of it fucking worked. So, I’m done with that. I’m just going to be honest.” I took a breath. “Today, I saw what real love can do, and I want that. I want that with you, Em. I love you. I’m in love with you. So fucking in love, and I’ll do whatever it takes to show you.”
Tears trailed down her cheeks, her eyes full of emotion, and I prayed she felt an ounce of what I did. “Say something, baby. ”
She shook her head and then hit me on the chest. “Ow. What’s that for?’
“You’re a dumbass.”
“Great.” I pulled my hands away, but she gripped them.
“You’re a dumbass because I love you, too. I’m in love with you, Holden. I tried not to be, but I am.” She shrugged with a watery smile, and I felt my lungs expand, the air filling me and giving me life.
I crashed my lips against hers, lifting her in my arms. She felt perfect there, and I knew she was right. I’d been a dumbass.
I thought I’d been running the right plays, but there was no playbook when it came to Emerson Adams. She’d intercepted my heart that first night, and I’d never been able to recover. I once believed the only thing that was important in life was the love of a game, but it was nothing compared to the love of a woman—this woman, to be exact.
There might not be any play calls for me to reference, but I’d work just as hard never to fail her again.
Having Emerson’s heart felt better than any win ever would.
I could live without football, but not her. Never her.