Chapter Twenty-Eight
Esther
Though he hid it well, Theo was worried.
I saw it as clearly as the lust that darkened his eyes from caramel to espresso. Still, I accepted the diversion he offered, because when I stopped to think about it, I was worried, too.
My concern, though, was less about the box of peanuts or the silly phone calls. It was more focused on the fact that something inside of me wanted to throw caution to the wind and keep riding the wave of our weeks together with reckless abandon, regardless of the inevitable crash at the end.
I told him at the start that I didn’t want to lose myself, but now? An unmistakable part of me wanted to ignore every warning from the logical side of my brain and let it happen.
While I updated my accounting spreadsheet from the tree lighting and confirmed a couple of New Year’s Eve party orders, Theo left to track down the cameras he planned to install.
The guest house felt quiet, almost somber, in his absence, so I turned on the radio station that played non-stop Christmas music starting the day after Thanksgiving and got to work.
At Theo’s insistence, I’d bolted the door when he left.
I was busy mixing batter and dancing around the kitchen when the doorbell rang, scaring the daylights out of me.
A startled shriek slipped past my lips before I could contain it and my heart launched into double time before I forced myself to go to the door.
I didn’t know what I was expecting to see through the peephole, but on the other side was Sofia, bundled up in a puffy pink jacket.
“Hey,” I gasped as I swung the door open. “You scared the hell out of me.”
Her eyes flew wide. “Oh, shoot, I’m so sorry! I should’ve called first, I was just out to grab a couple things and wanted to check on you. Theo told Ollie what happened last night. Are you okay?”
“Come on in. I’m fine, I promise,” I said as I stepped back to let her through the door. “Just a stupid prank, that’s all.”
“Theo doesn’t seem to think so, from what Ollie said,” she countered, studying my face like she could see straight into my soul.
I sighed and turned back toward the kitchen, just in case she really could read my thoughts about him. “Do you want some coffee or something?”
Sofia shook her head. “Is Theo a sore subject for some reason? If he hurt you, I’ll kick his ass.”
“Sore? Not at all.”
Aside from Anita, Sofia was one of the few other people who always saw through my bullshit and never hesitated to call me on it. For a long moment, I felt her gaze on my face, reading every nuance of my expression. When I finally glanced up, her own had gone soft and a bit sappy.
“Oh, Es,” she sighed.
A laugh that morphed into a sob burst from my throat. “I am such an idiot.”
“Don’t say that. Who knows what the future holds? You deserve happiness, honey.”
“The future holds me falling head over goddamn heels for a man who lives hundreds of miles away and has avoided this town since he was eighteen years old. What could go wrong?”
Sofia came over and wrapped her arms around me, her coat compressing against my body like a marshmallow. “Has he told you why he stayed away?”
From anyone else, I might’ve assumed this was fishing for gossip, but not Sofia. She and Oliver loved Theo like a brother and, though I knew she was curious, the way she’d always respected my privacy convinced me she would do the same for Theo.
“No, we haven’t talked about it. I’m not sure it makes any difference. He has a business down there, a life. The last thing I want is for him to resent me for trapping him back in the town he couldn’t wait to get away from.”
“Have you ever considered that maybe you’re worth it?” she asked quietly.
The question hung in the air between us, heavy enough to suck the air from my lungs, but I was saved from having to answer when Theo knocked lightly at the front door and poked his head in.
“Hey, Sof,” he said brightly, then his gaze landed on me and grew soft, tender. “Hey, Esther. I’m back, but I’ll be out here setting everything up for a bit.”
That look seeped through my limbs with the kind of languor I’d come to associate with Theo.
All my protests, all my defenses, melted away under the warmth of it.
Knowing Sofia’s focus flitted between us, ready to pounce, I just nodded in acknowledgment.
Theo waited until her face was turned back toward me to wink and slip back outside.
“Jeesh,” she breathed when the door was closed behind him. With one hand, she fanned herself. “That was…intense.”
“Tell me about it,” I muttered.
She laughed. “I need to get going, but really, Es, please let me know if you need anything, even if it’s a break from that stud out there. I’ve really missed you, honey.”
Hot shame crept along the back of my neck as I pulled her into another squishy hug. “I’ve missed you, too. Whatever happens with Theo, I promise I won’t go radio silent again, okay?”
“That’s all I ask. You know how to reach me. We’ll see you two at the Carolcade?”
“Yes, we’ll be there,” I promised. “And maybe…maybe we can have dinner sometime soon. You and Chase, me and Theo?”
Her face lit with delight, sending another pang of guilt through my chest. “I’d love that.”
In true Sofia fashion, it took another five minutes to get her out the door, but once she was gone, the quiet felt suffocating even with the music still on.
Unfortunately, I had cupcakes ready to go into the oven, so there was no escaping it just yet.
I turned off the radio, slid the pans in, and wondered if everything Sofia said was right.
I didn’t reach any conclusions.
When Theo returned a while later, his triumphant expression dimmed when he saw me sitting at the table in silence, my unfocused gaze on the window over the kitchen sink.
“Hey, you okay?” he asked as he shoved his gloves into his pockets and hung his coat on the rack.
Don’t do it. Do not do this. Just answer the question.
I opened and closed my mouth two or three times before finally blurting out, “Why did you leave Spruce Hill?”
His face went blank for a beat, then he sighed heavily and sat down beside me, scooting his chair close enough for our knees to touch. “Does it matter?” he asked gently. There was no belligerence in his tone, nothing defensive, just a quiet sort of resignation.
“I think it might,” I admitted.
Without knowing what it was that sent him away, I couldn’t let myself consider whether he might ever change his mind about returning. I half expected him to shut down the conversation, which would be an answer in itself, but instead he nodded.
“When we were kids,” he began, “Alex and I were close. We were only one grade apart in school, so for most of our lives, we were more like twins than anything. I met Oliver in kindergarten, but even that didn’t cause a rift between us.
It was always the three of us running around together. Brothers, but also friends.”
He paused, so I reached over to lace my fingers through his. I had only Sofia’s vague speculation to go on, leaving me virtually clueless here. From his expression, though, I gathered the truth was more painful than I’d imagined.
After a deep breath, he continued. “In high school, Alex started to drift, I guess. Started to resent me, or at least that’s how it felt.
I was first string in soccer, older, half a foot taller already.
During my senior year, I went out with a girl from his class, Michelle McNulty.
He was barely speaking to me at that point, so I had no clue he was into her.
If he’d told me, I never would’ve asked her out in the first place. ”
“Bro code,” I said, drawing a wry smile from his lips.
“Bro code, yeah. In any case, I didn’t know, and we dated for the last six months of my senior year, but with me heading to college, we decided we weren’t going to try to stay together beyond that summer.
My feelings just weren’t strong enough to try to keep it going long-distance, so I figured we’d end it on good terms. I thought she felt the same. ”
I blinked in surprise. My assumption was totally wrong—I thought he’d been so in love, her death had scared him away from serious relationships.
“On the night of our prom, I invited Alex to come to the afterparty. I hoped it might bridge the gap between us before I graduated, you know? Someone’s parents owned a summer house on the lake and offered to let us use it. The cottage was out past the public beach, near the lighthouse.”
Theo rubbed his forehead with his free hand, looking like just reliving this tale was sapping his energy. I squeezed his fingers and shifted my chair so my thigh pressed tightly against his, lending him strength.
“There was a kid at the party whose brother worked at the lighthouse, giving tours or something for the Historical Society. He borrowed the keys and suggested we go see if it was really haunted. The schools do field trips there, so we’d all been inside before, but Michelle—”
When his voice broke, my heart jumped into my throat.
“I guess I was wrong that she felt the same way about breaking up. Most of the other kids were drunk and didn’t want to go up all the stairs inside, but she dragged me up to the top floor, kept talking about how romantic the view was.
I should’ve put my foot down, I just didn’t think.
She’d been drinking, but she wasn’t smashed or anything.
When we got up there, she was all over me, trying to kiss me, begging me not to dump her. ”
“Theo,” I whispered.
“I told her it was over. Fuck—I wasn’t very nice about it, but I was blindsided by her throwing herself at me like that.
Alex was coming up the stairs and heard me tell her I didn’t care if she didn’t agree, we were through.
He started yelling at me, telling me I didn’t deserve her, that I ruined everything. ”
I closed my eyes for a beat, shaking my head. “That’s not true.”
“We’d tussled as kids, but my mom always shut it down quickly, so I didn’t expect him to start throwing punches.
I took a right hook to the jaw, fell back and hit my head against the wall so hard I had a concussion.
I got up and grabbed him so he couldn’t hit me again, but Michelle tried to shove past the two of us.
She made it down a handful of stairs before she tripped over her dress. ”
Ice filtered through my veins. “Oh, no.”
With a sharp nod, he forced himself to continue. “She went over the railing. She was dead the minute she hit the ground, right in front of a dozen of our drunk classmates.”
“Jesus, Theo. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” I said, turning in the chair to wrap my arms around him.
When he buried his face against my neck, I tangled my fingers in his hair, anchoring him against me.
Though he wasn’t crying, a harsh breath shuddered from his lungs.
After several long moments, he squeezed me tight and put his hands on my hips to set me back a few inches in order to finish the story.
“It was an accident. A horrific accident. It wasn’t Alex’s fault, but I just—I couldn’t look at him. And he blamed me. Rightfully so.”
“It wasn’t your fault, either.”
“He didn’t feel that way, and neither did I. I should’ve ended things the minute I realized my feelings had changed. If I’d been clear about it, she wouldn’t have tried to change my mind. We never would’ve gone up there.”
“You can’t know that for sure,” I said firmly, but he shook his head.
“Even when the paramedics forced me into the ambulance, Alex was screaming at me that I always ruined everything for him.”
I scowled, forcing his face up toward mine. “It was an accident.”
“Yeah.” He drew a breath. “You know what it’s like, hearing the whispers, seeing the looks people give you.
Nobody was up there with us, so you can imagine what the rumors said.
He pushed her to get back at me, I pushed her because she was cheating on me with him, we made a blood pact not to let a girl get between us and both pushed her. ”
“Jesus, what is wrong with people?”
“I was supposed to start college here, but I couldn’t bear to be so close. I applied down at UNC and left that summer.”
My heart shattered for him. The soccer star, the eldest son of a local legend like Anita Vasquez-Silver, exiled himself because of a freak accident that cost a young girl her life. It was no wonder people didn’t talk about it in any detail—none of them even knew the real story.
This wasn’t juicy small town gossip, though. This was a true tragedy.
“I’m sorry, Theo.” The words were weak and insignificant, but they were all I had. “I shouldn’t have asked.”
Theo pulled me down onto his lap, pressing his face to the top of my head. “You deserved the truth. I’m sorry I didn’t give it sooner.”
The truth doesn’t always set you free.
With a history like that, one thing was certain—I could never, ever expect him to stay here.