Chapter 10
Walker
"You played like ass yesterday," I grumbled through the phone.
"Well, hello to you too, sunshine," Cohen chuckled in reply to my not-so-warm greeting.
"Anyway," Cohen continued, ignoring my foul mood, "how's the elbow?"
I grunted in response.
"Dude. Cut the shit and stop feeling sorry for yourself. You’ll be back; it isn't a matter of if, but a matter of when. You need to get your shit together and focus, because we need you back on the mound. Period," Cohen all but growled in return.
As my best friend, he knew me well, and knew this type of behavior from me was not typical.
"This bullshit bad mood behavior is very reminiscent of when you found out Farrah was engaged.
Can we not go down that road again? You were destructive.
Please tell me this is only about baseball and nothing else.
" I could hear the concern in his tone, but I wasn't sure how to ease his worry when this darkness that had taken over had everything to do with my elbow AND Farrah.
I blew out a breath. "I can't tell you that."
Cohen groaned. "Seriously, James? Farrah, again?" I imagined he was likely scrubbing a hand down his face in frustration.
"Yes. Farrah. Again. Not only did she open her business in my town, but my mom also hired her to renovate their tasting room. And to top it all off, now I get a front row seat to her dates."
"Shit. I'm sorry, man. Why don't you just stay at your place in Austin? I get you want Dr. Howard for rehab, but is it worth all of this? You could always just drive back and forth for your appointments."
"Nah, I need to be around my horses. I'll just hole up at my place, it's fine," I grumbled.
Cohen let out what sounded like an annoyed chuckle. "Yeah, because that's healthy. Listen, we have a couple of days off next month. Drake and I will drive out there."
I shook my head, as if Cohen could see me. "That's not necessary, Coh." I didn't want to drag my friends into my darkness. They had better things to do than come here, sit around, and try to cheer me up. I was a bit of a buzzkill at the moment.
"Sorry bro, but it definitely is necessary. We’ll see you in three weeks." Cohen immediately ended the call, denying me the chance to get in another word. Typical.
I lay my head back against my pillow and shut off the TV, done listening to the baseball highlights.
It was one in the afternoon, and I still hadn't gotten out of bed for the day.
I showed up to all my PT appointments, but let's just say I hadn't been a very good patient outside of them. Instead of rehabbing and working out at home as instructed, I’d been sleeping well into the afternoon, drinking pretty heavily in the evenings, and not crashing out until well after midnight.
At least I still managed to drag myself to the barn to see my horses and my donkeys, since they were the only highlight of my day at this point in my life.
My hair had gotten longer than usual, my beard thick, and I should probably have bathed more than I had been, but I just couldn't seem to fucking care.
I knew I was spiraling, diving deeper into a dark hole, but again, I couldn't seem to care or stop myself.
I scrolled through the list of eighteen missed calls I'd accumulated over the past two days—four from Addison, three from Ava, two from Weston, three from my parents, two from Drake, two from Cohen, and two from Dean.
I had about fifteen text messages I also chose to ignore.
I reached into my nightstand drawer, grabbed the remote to draw down the blackout shades in my room, and let sleep take me yet again.
"Walk!" Bang. Bang. Bang. "Walker James! Open this goddamn door! Right now!" Bang. Bang. Bang.
At first, I thought the banging was inside my head, thundering against my skull, thanks to the handle of whiskey I’d polished off last night.
But when I heard my sister's pissed-off shrieking echoing off the walls of my house, I realized the banging was both inside and outside of my head.
I rubbed my hands over my eyes and glanced over at the clock beside me, seeing it was 11 a.m. already.
Not too bad, considering my ass stumbled into bed around 3 a.m.
The banging and yelling continued as I dragged myself down the hall towards the front door.
I barely got the door open before Addison barreled her way past me and into my house. "What the actual fuck, Walker!" Her green eyes were wild, and she tried really hard to get in my face, which was laughable considering I was six-four, and she was maybe five-seven.
Addison wrinkled her nose while looking me up and down with disgust. "You look like shit and smell even worse. Get in the shower and meet me in your kitchen in ten minutes. We need to talk."
Gotta love meddling sisters.
I didn't even respond. I didn't have the energy, my head hurt, and honestly, there was no point with her. So, I did as I was told—showered and sat my ass at the kitchen counter ten minutes later.
Addison stood across the kitchen island from me, hands pinned on her hips, a look of complete disappointment in her eyes.
"What is going on with you? No one has been able to get a hold of you for the past week. The only reason we know you’re alive is that Theo has seen glimpses of you at the barn and Dad spoke to Dr. Howard.
" She placed her hands on the counter, waiting for my response.
I sighed heavily. "It's nothing, Adds. I'm taking a break.
I'm injured for fuck's sake, what do you want from me?
I don't need to talk to you guys every single day of my life.
I'm doing my PT, spending time with my animals.
If I choose to lay low and stay home, I have that right.
" My voice had an edge to it. My family could be exhausting.
Rolling her eyes, Addison laughed. "Fuck off, Walk.
Don't feed me that bullshit. You need a haircut, you could probably use another shower, and your trash can contains three bottles of whiskey and countless beer bottles.
You are not okay, and I need you to talk to me.
" She blew out a shaky breath before she continued.
"I'm worried about you, we all are." Her fiery gaze turned soft, pleading. "Please, talk to me."
It was hard to see my sister upset and hurt, especially when I was the cause. I slowly nodded before standing. "I'm sorry, Adds. Let's take the boys out for a trail ride." I hiked my thumb over my shoulder, aimed at my barn.
Addison and I made our way to the clearing, she on Tex and me on Ranger. We let our reins loose to let the boys graze. She turned to me, wasting no time to get this conversation started. "What's going on with you, Walk?"
I stared out over the field, deciding how I wanted to even begin. "I saw Farrah out on a date a week or so ago." Addison's gaze immediately softened.
"I'm sorry, Walk… I—"
I cut her off before she could continue.
"It's not just Farrah. This whole injury, my looming retirement, the media, it's all fucking with my head.
I'm in this dark place that I don't know how to get out of.
I've been ignoring everyone because I don't want to drag anyone else down with me and burden everyone with my bullshit.
I figured I would just hole up at my place, do my PT, and work my way out of it on my own.
Once I get back to baseball, I'll be fine.
" I sighed heavily. "I think seeing Farrah out with another guy was just the final push into my spiral. It made me think that when I do eventually retire, what do I even have? There’s no one at home waiting for me.
Baseball is literally my life. I don't know what life looks like for me without it. "
Addison stayed quiet for a moment, taking in the words I hadn't said out loud to anyone.
"I know the unknown is scary, and for someone who also loves a plan, trust me, I know how you feel.
Will retirement be an adjustment when the time comes?
Definitely. But Walk, that's why you have us.
You have your family and your friends to help you ease through the adjustment.
You don't have to have all the answers right now.
Just focus on what you can control." She glanced over at me before continuing.
"And concerning Farrah. Will you actually tell me what happened all those years ago? "
Addison was right; I needed to be grateful for the supportive friends and family around me.
God knew none of those fuckers would ever let me feel alone.
I needed to get out of my head and focus on rehabbing my elbow so I could come back stronger, focus on one day at a time, and stop worrying about the future I had no control over, as evidenced by this unplanned injury.
It was time to stop being stupid, stop drinking, and get back to work.
I glanced over at my sister, "Can I give you the CliffsNotes? "
Addison glared at me. "No. You ghosted me for a week; you owe me this much."
I groaned, running a hand across my jaw.
I really needed to shave. "Fine." I spent the next hour telling her everything. I told her about the strain my collegiate baseball career had placed on my relationship with Farrah, about the College World Series, about the girls at the bar after our winning game, and about the gut-wrenching breakup that took place after I was drafted. And because I’d clearly broken open the dam of Farrah secrets, I told Addison why I’d bought this very property we were riding on, what my plans had been, and what had driven me into those reckless playboy days she hated so much.
She listened intently, and I was pretty sure I caught her swiping at a tear or two towards the end of my depressing saga. "Wow. I had no idea, Walk. I'm really sorry you went through all of that alone. I wish you had told one of us so we could have been there for you."
I waved my hand in the air dismissively. "It's all in the past. You all had so much going on at the time yourselves. I survived."
"But still. I wish you had told us," she said quietly, looking down at Tex.
"Hey, it's fine, really Adds. I'm telling you now, and thank you for forcing me out to talk about everything. I needed the kick in the ass. I need to do better. This isn't who I am." I stroked a hand through Ranger’s mane.
"I do love to kick my brothers in the ass when the opportunity presents itself.
" She chuckled before turning serious again.
"But, just a heads up. I asked Farrah to be one of my bridesmaids and for her daughter, Hadley, to be the flower girl.
Is that going to be a problem? I didn't realize how deep the hurt ran with y'all. If I had known—"
I cut her off. "It's fine, Adds. I'm an adult, I'll be cordial. Plus, I should do what y'all have been pushing me to do for years… I need to talk to her. I think it’s been long overdue for us to sit down so we can move past whatever this is."
A grin spread across Addison's face; her green eyes flashed with excitement. "Really!? You're going to talk to her?"
"Yes. I'm going to talk to her." I sighed. I was at least going to try; who knew if she would be willing to talk to me?
Addison and I chatted a little while longer before we called it a day and headed back to the barn with the boys. For the first time since my injury, I felt a little lighter and a little hopeful.