Chapter 22
Rosalee
When I woke up the next morning, the first thing I noticed was the smell of bacon permeating the air.
I inhaled deeply and smiled, and the smile slowly turned into a frown.
Why does the house smell like bacon? I jackknifed up to a sitting position before I jumped out of bed and rushed to the kitchen, where I found Xavier at the stove—shirtless—talking with his daughter, who was fenced into a small part of the kitchen far away from the stove, babbling as if they were carrying on a real conversation.
"Yeah, I know it smells done, but it's not crispy, which means it's not done. You'll learn," he told her.
My gaze was glued to the wide golden expanse of his back, perfectly smooth other than the bunch and flex of the muscles when he flipped the bacon or stirred the scrambled eggs.
He was absolutely beautiful, and a shallow breath escaped.
He's not yours, I reminded myself and took a step back from the adorable scene.
Nope, not adorable. It was a regular kitchen scene with a father and daughter.
Nothing special about it. That was my story, and I stuck to it as I crept back to my room and then to the bathroom for a quick shower.
Xavier had taken responsibility for Violet this morning, but he wouldn't be able to stand much longer on that ankle, so I moved quickly and dressed in jeans and a sweater.
Dressed and with my emotional walls erected high and fortified, I walked into the kitchen and made a beeline for the coffee pot, ignoring the still not adorable father-daughter scene before me.
Xavier was still shirtless as he faced Violet in her highchair, gnawing on a handful of scrambled eggs with a satisfied hum.
His smile was wide and proud. "Pretty good, right? "
She babbled at him, and I looked away because despite his flaws, Xavier was going to be a great father to Violet.
"Good morning, Rosalee." His voice was rich and deep, and I felt the weight of his gaze on me while I filled a coffee mug.
"Morning." I kept my answers short and my words clipped because he didn't deserve nice. Not today.
"Sleep okay?"
I shrugged, finding the courage to turn around and face him. "Decent, thanks."
"Sit. Have some breakfast." He smiled, and my knees wobbled, but only a little before I willed them to be strong. I will not succumb to that smile. Or breakfast. I wouldn't succumb, but I would indulge in the delicious-smelling spread.
"Okay. Thanks for making breakfast." I sat as far from him as I could and piled scrambled eggs, bacon, and toast with butter and jam on my plate.
I probably should've left the butter and jam off the bread, but I wasn't thinking about my curves or those extra fifteen pounds.
I just wanted to indulge in something I shouldn't, and since Xavier was no longer an option, blackberry jam was. "It's good."
"I can cook," he offered with a shy smile. "I just didn't have a reason to do it often. Bagels and cream cheese are fine when it's just me."
"Still no reason," I answered. "Violet can eat oatmeal or toast for breakfast."
"I wanted to make it. For you."
I shook my head, ignoring that emotional landmine. "You should stay off that ankle as much as possible right now."
"Not my first sprained ankle." His lips curled into a lopsided smile that made my core clench and my pussy pulse hard. And fast. "I want you to take the day off. Me and Violet will be fine."
"Your ankle," I began, but he cut me off.
"My ankle means I'm not going anywhere today, and I'm sure I can still outrun Violet if I need to. Take the day off and meet with friends."
"The few friends I have are too far away for a day trip." It wasn't meant to make him guilty; it was just the truth.
"Fine," he bit out on a frustrated groan. "Head down the mountain, do some shopping, and enjoy having a few hours to yourself. You deserve it."
I did deserve it, dammit. "I will, thanks."
Xavier volunteered to clean up the kitchen, so I said goodbye to Violet, jumped in my car, and headed down the mountain. The roads had been cleared of the recent snowfall, and it was an easy drive, which gave me far too much time to think.
About Xavier.
Was he giving me time off because he realized he needed to get rid of me and therefore needed to get used to being a single father? Was he interviewing my replacement today? Did he have a day date set up, and he just wanted me out of the house to assuage his guilt?
Ugh, I hate this. I decided to lose myself in a little bit of retail therapy, which was really a pathetic attempt that included two pairs of wool socks, new dancing lollipop pajama pants, and a negligee.
For me, not for anyone else. That's what I told myself because it was the truth—mostly, anyway—and because I was only holding out a little bit of hope that things with Xavier would improve.
The smallest sliver of hope that existed was still too much as far as I was concerned, and it angered me that his bad behavior wasn't enough to banish him from my heart.
I shouldn't have slept with him; I knew that now.
I didn't regret it—how could I when it was so amazing?
No, I would never regret losing my virginity or a piece of my heart to Xavier, but I wasn't as prepared for the feelings as I should have been.
It wasn't the sex that made me fall for him; it was those moments when he was unguarded and sweet, when he forgot to be a gruff and grumpy mountain man, when he'd stolen my heart. If he'd continued to be the grump, I could've handled it and protected my heart more effectively.
Damn him.
My phone buzzed and rang in my purse, and I dug it out just in case Xavier needed something for Violet or needed me. My help, I mean, not me.
It wasn't Xavier, though, but an unknown number I was pretty sure belonged to Jason, so I ignored it.
Twice. He'd paid more attention to me over the past couple of months than he had throughout our entire relationship, which only meant that this deal was big and he couldn't cinch it on his own.
That thought made me smile. For all the times Jason had made me feel worthless, ugly, and fat, he needed me more than he ever realized.
I charmed the people that he insulted—accidentally or on purpose—and soothed the feathers he ruffled.
I did it because I loved him, because I thought he loved me and that if I were better, thinner, prettier, he would love me more.
But he never loved me.
Never gave a damn about me.
And I absolutely refused to get myself into another situation like that ever again. I wouldn't give over my heart, my good sense and my body to Xavier, and I wouldn't run from Texas the way I ran from Florida.
This was my home now.
I come first. That thought buoyed me through a few hours of window shopping and bookstore browsing, and by the time lunch rolled around, I felt like a whole new Rosalee.
I felt strong and resolved that whatever had been happening between me and Xavier, it was over now.
It had no future anyway, whether he wanted a future with me or not.
And I was fine with that.
Totally fine.
But when I sat down at the diner on my own for a meal, without a baby to care for and no grumpy boss looming over me being sexy and mean and stupid, my resolve started to crumble.
"What'll it be, sugar?"
I smiled at the waitress, and in an effort to get myself centered again, I placed my order. "I'll have a Texas burger with the works, sweet potato fries and onion rings, plus a double chocolate milkshake." I smiled at her shocked expression. "And the tallest glass of ice water you've got."
The older woman flashed a wide grin. "Is that the secret to those curves? Because I could use a few of my own," she said and motioned to her rail-thin figure.
"The secret is a lifetime of watching what you eat and failing miserably at it."
"Well, honey, from where I'm standing, it looks like you failed up and into an hourglass figure. I'll be back with your water and milkshake."
Her words made me feel a little better, but the milkshake doubled that.
I would probably never lose those last fifteen pounds, and I had to be okay with that.
When that double chocolate milkshake hit my tongue, I was okay with it.
I was more than okay with it. I was in heaven.
Absolutely in heaven. It's almost better than being in Xavier's arms.
"Dammit." That one ill-timed thought and all my effort was for nothing. I was back to where I started, emotional turmoil town, which I thought I'd left in my rearview mirror.
Why was this so hard? It shouldn't be. It was just a few nights in his arms and in his bed.
It was a purely physical relationship that was emotionally one-sided, and Xavier was a jerk more often than he wasn't. Oh no!
Am I one of those women who only falls for toxic men?
Does that mean I'm doomed to be miserable or alone?
It was a sobering thought, even if my conscience tried to remind me that Xavier wasn't toxic—not really—he was just grouchy and emotionally stunted.
He was never outright mean the way Jason had been; he just spent too much time alone.
Or I'm just making excuses... just like I did with Jason.
"Nope. Not doing this," I told myself out loud, not caring if anyone who overheard me thought I was crazy.
Maybe I was crazy, but I was determined not to be a fool again, so I took all thoughts of Xavier and Jason, shoved them into a box, and buried them as far into the depths of my mind as I could.
And then I settled in to enjoy a completely indulgent lunch and my own damn company.
It was nice, once I got used to it, eating on my own without scrolling social media or reading a book, just being alone with my thoughts.
The longer I lingered and ate, the more relaxed I began to feel.
Even eating my weight in greasy, fried food didn't lessen my good mood.
By the time I slid behind the steering wheel and crawled back up the mountain, I wasn't just relaxed; I felt like a new woman.
And when I stepped inside the house and saw Violet asleep across her daddy's bare chest, one of his hands resting protectively on her back while he slept, I knew that feeling was a lie.
It would take more than a few hours away to get over my feelings for my grumpy mountain man boss.