Chapter 23
Xavier
"I'm sorry." I blurted out the words after I put Violet to bed. My chest heaved as the words shot out of my mouth and landed on Rosalee, who sat curled on the sofa with her eyes focused on her lap.
She gave no indication she heard me at first, but a full minute later she sighed and set her e-reader on the coffee table before she turned to me with a blank expression on her face.
"You're sorry," she repeated, the words sounding as if they were in a language she didn't understand. "What are you sorry for, Xavier?"
I felt like a chastised child in that moment, but I shoved down the instinct to say so and nodded because it was a fair question.
There were a lot of things I needed to apologize for, so her question made sense.
"Everything," I answered easily. "For being a jerk—no, scratch that.
I'm sorry for being an absolute asshole.
" It was weak sauce as far as apologies went, but it was a good start.
I hoped. "I shouldn't have pulled away from you like that after we were together the last time.
" Shit, I hoped it wasn't the last time.
Rosalee folded her arms, her usually expressive eyes devoid of any discernible emotion. "Why did you do it?"
I shrugged because I knew I didn't have a good answer, but she deserved the truth so she could weigh the quality of it for herself.
"I don't have a good answer, Rosalee. I just," I sighed and raked a hand through my hair because this shit was hard, talking about feelings I'd resolved long ago to never feel again.
"I started to feel things that I never wanted to feel again, things I thought I was long past feeling.
It shocked me." Even as I thought about it, my heart raced and my stomach flipped over.
"You mean you were scared."
I smiled. Leave it to Rosalee not to pull any punches. "Yeah, that's exactly what it was. On the heels of that shock was fear, so I pulled away, but I should have just told you what I was feeling instead of turning my back on you like that, and I'm sorry."
"You didn't tell me because you were, and probably still are, worried that I'd want more from you, and you don't want to give more."
"Shit." She'd nailed it exactly, and I wasn't sure how I felt about that.
"Right." Her jaw clenched as she nodded. "I agree, you should have just told me. Thank you for apologizing, Xavier." She turned away from me, picked up her e-reader, and went back to her book.
What the fuck? I sighed and walked into the living room, rounding the coffee table so I could see her face. "It's not enough, and I know that, Rosalee. But I have no fucking idea what to say or do to make up for my behavior."
"It's all right," she whispered so softly I wasn't sure if she had said anything at all, until her gaze slammed into mine, sadness and frustration written across her face.
"It is?" Her words did not match her expression.
She nodded slowly. "Yeah, it is. You don't want more, and your recent behavior has made it crystal clear that I'm incapable of doing casual, so you don't have to make up for anything because there's nowhere to go from here."
Wait, what? I felt like I was losing a fight I didn't even know I'd entered. "What are you saying?"
"I wasn't expecting you to get down on one knee or anything like that, but I also expected basic respect, maybe a little communication. You only want someone to fuck, and that can't be me, so thank you for acknowledging that I deserve an apology, but you don't need to do anything else."
"You're breaking up with me."
Her smile was sad as she shook her head. "No, because we were never together. You don't want to be together, remember?"
"No. I never wanted to feel anything for anyone, any woman, ever again. But now that I do, hell, I don't know what to do about it, Rosalee."
"You do know what to do about it, but you don't want to." Her gaze cut like broken glass, but the accusation that swam in her golden-brown depths was sharper. "I don't want to force you to do anything you don't want to do, Xavier. So we can go back to the way things were before."
That sounded fucking terrible. "That's not what I want," I growled.
She let out a heavy sigh and stood, shaking her head as she swiped the e-reader from the coffee table and stopped right in front of me.
"I can see that, but what I want matters too, Xavier, and I refuse to be a convenient body for you.
" She pushed past me with a grunt and I could just see the next few days, maybe a few weeks, play out.
She would avoid me until the tension became intolerable, and then she would leave.
"Rosalee, wait!" I reached out and gripped her by the bicep, pulling her back. "Stop. Please."
"What else is there to say?"
Nothing. She was absolutely right; there wasn't a damn thing left to say between us because words had no meaning. I didn't have the words to let her know that I wanted her to stay, that I just wanted her, and she wouldn't act without hearing them. "There's nothing left to say."
Rosalee nodded. "At least we agree on that."
"Not quite." I released her arm, grabbing her by the waist and pulling her close until our bodies molded together.
One hand slid up her back and tangled in her hair, where I angled her just right to devour her sweet mouth.
She tasted like wine and chocolate and something uniquely Rosalee, and I couldn't get enough of her.
She moaned into my mouth and fisted her hands in my shirt, her moves uncertain as if she didn't know whether to pull me closer or push me away.
She wants me. Her easy submission boosted my battered confidence, and when her hips rolled against mine, my cock sprang to life, instantly hard and hungry for her.
I pulled her even closer and bent her backward over my forearm, giving her nothing but me to hang on to while I tasted every inch of her mouth, her jaw, and down to her neck.
"Fuck, Rosalee, I want you so bad I can't think of anything else. " Or anyone else.
"I-I-I want you too," she stammered breathlessly. "But I can't do this, not with you pulling me close and pushing me away as soon as you've had your fill."
A harsh sound that might have been a laugh escaped me, and I shook my head.
"I'll never fucking get my fill of you, Rosalee.
" She didn't get it, and I needed her to understand.
"I can't stop thinking about you. I smell you everywhere you go, even when you aren't there.
My fingers constantly buzz and tingle with the need to touch your skin and your hair, to feel your sweet pussy clamping around them.
My lips feel useless without the taste of you on them.
When you're around, Rosalee, I just can't fucking think straight.
It's not until I've left you satisfied and smiling that I start thinking again. "
Her lips curled into a reluctant smile. "You want me pretty bad," she teased.
"So fucking bad," I assured her, brushing soft kisses along her jawline and back to her lush lips.
Rosalee nibbled my bottom lip, moaning as if the taste of me was her favorite flavor. But then she put a hand to my chest and gave me a gentle push. "You don't want me to go, but you don't want something more than a quick fuck, is that right?"
"No. Yes. Fuck, Rosalee, I'm not sure."
Her hand went slack against my chest, and I felt her slipping away from me. From my life. From Violet's life.
Forever.
"Be sure, Xavier. I need you to just... be sure." She stepped back with a sad, almost disappointed look on her face. "Good night."
"Rosalee," I called after her, desperate to keep her.
She stopped right in front of her bedroom door and looked over her shoulder at me.
"Good night, Xavier." She disappeared into her room, and I stood there, watching her with my heart in my throat for several long minutes, trying to figure out how the fuck I went from kissing her breathless to standing in the hallway with a rock-hard erection and an aching chest.
No.
No, fuck that. Rosalee was mine.
I had to swallow my pride and say the words she needed to hear. I had to tell her the truth.
Even if it killed me.