Chapter 17
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
In which I finally tell Ocean the truth and discover a truth of my own.
With a soft bleep, the door to the presidential suite opened. My heart pounded, each beat a thunderous reminder of the conversation to come because no doubt Ocean had some questions. Questions he’d demand answers to. How angry would he be? I hesitated at the threshold of the living room, my hand gripping the ornate doorframe as if it could anchor me against the storm of emotions threatening to pull me under.
Ocean’s eyes locked onto mine the moment I entered. He sprang up from the plush velvet armchair where he’d been waiting, relief washing over his features. In three long strides, he crossed the room, stopping just short of embracing me. His body was coiled with tension, his stance protective as he hovered close.
“Cash. I was so worried. Are you okay?”
I swallowed hard, trying to find my voice. “I… I’m sorry for taking off.”
“It was a lot to process.”
“Too much. I…panicked.”
He reached for my hand, and I let him take it. His thumb circled the back of my hand. “I figured as much.”
“You’re not angry?”
He slowly shook his head. “I can see why you freaked out.”
“I wouldn’t call it freaking out. It was more like…” I sighed as I had to face the inevitable truth. “Yeah, I was freaking out.”
“I understand.”
“You seem remarkably okay with all of it.”
His lips curled up in one of those sexy smiles that made my insides go all soft and fluffy. “I’m not the one who was freaking out, or who had to process something this impactful. Pun intended.”
I snorted despite everything, and tension drained from my shoulders. “Good one.”
He looked mighty pleased with himself. “I thought so too.” Then his face grew serious again. “I know I’m asking a lot, but can we talk about what happened?”
It would be easy to tell him I was too tired, that I had to get up early for work and all that crap. And he’d accept it. For now. But sooner or later, he’d either force me to have this conversation…or he’d walk out. And that thought made it hard to breathe, which was one of the conclusions I’d come to as I aimlessly wandered Melbourne’s streets.
I wanted to tell him. It scared the living daylights out of me to make myself this vulnerable, but I wanted to tell him. Maybe if I said the words, if I explained it, the hold my past had over me would lessen. Maybe Ocean could help me change and become less…needy. “Yes, we can talk.”
Relief filled his expression. “Thank you.”
He gestured toward the plush sofa and we sat next to each other.
“Would you like me to continue holding your hand?” Ocean asked, and I wanted to cry with relief.
“Yeah, that’d be… I’d like that.”
His fingers threaded mine. “I’m listening, Cash. And whatever it is, it doesn’t change how I see you.”
The sincerity in his voice nearly undid me. I closed my eyes, remembering the sting of betrayal, the shame that had haunted me for years. When I opened them again, Ocean was still there, patient and unwavering.
I took a deep breath, steeling myself. “It started with a man named Victor,” I began, my voice barely above a whisper. “He was the first one who showed me a side of myself I wasn’t aware of…”
I could still picture him easily, even all these years later. He’d been tall, dark, and handsome—every cliché rolled into one. Gorgeous brown eyes, a slightly darker complexion thanks to some Mediterranean heritage, and so goddamn good-looking he literally took my breath away every time he smiled. No one had had that effect on me since. Not until Ocean.
“He was different from anyone I’d ever met. Commanding yet gentle. Dominant but never arrogant. Successful but not an asshole.”
“Where did you guys meet?”
I liked that he asked a question. Made it a little easier to pretend this was a normal conversation. “At a business meeting. He was a lawyer working for a firm we were doing business with. I wasn’t out at the time, but the sparks between us were obvious. Once the deal was done and there was no longer a conflict of interest, he asked me out. We had a pleasant meal and then fucked like bunnies all night long.” I chuckled at the memory. “Jesus, the man could fuck. We were both vers, and we flip-fucked for two weeks straight to the point where my ass needed a break.”
Ocean grinned. “I can imagine. Was he hung?”
I shrugged. “Nothing special, but he knew how to use what the good lord gave him. So instead of fucking, we hung out and talked. And something shifted. It started with him telling me to do things for him. Small stuff. I didn’t even pick up on it at first, and when I did, I didn’t mind. I loved pleasing him, making him happy. Nothing wrong with that, right?”
Ocean squeezed my hand.
“Then he asked me to kneel for him for the first time, and…” I blew out a breath. “Everything changed. It made me realize I’d always felt this…this hunger inside me. A need to submit, to please. But I never understood it, never had a name for it. Victor gave me that.”
Another deep breath. “I was submissive. He was dominant. A trained Dom, actually.”
The memories flooded back—the first time Victor had called me “boy,” the way my knees had nearly buckled beneath me. The exquisite pleasure of following his commands, of earning his praise. My body thrummed with the echo of those moments.
“Until then, he’d only done scenes in a club, not within a relationship. We discovered a lot together. It was confusing at first.” Heat rose to my cheeks. “I mean, here I was, a successful businessman, and all I wanted was to kneel at his feet. But god, Ocean, the joy it brought me… It was like finally being able to breathe after years of suffocating.”
I risked a glance at Ocean, searching for any sign of disgust or judgment. Instead, I found only warmth and understanding.
“Victor guided me, helped me explore this side of myself. It was intense. Beautiful. I felt more alive than I ever had before.”
As I spoke, I could almost feel Victor’s hands on me, hear his voice in my ear. The phantom sensations made me shiver.
“But then…” I trailed off, the memory of that fateful night crashing over me. “Preston showed up unexpectedly at my penthouse. Victor and I were in the middle of a scene.”
The tension in the room thickened, mirroring the dread I’d felt that night. I could still see Preston’s face, the shock giving way to something darker, more sinister. “He saw everything. Me, on my knees. Victor paddling me. He saw the toys, the bondage gear, everything.”
My hands clenched involuntarily, reliving the moment when my carefully guarded secret had been exposed. “The look in Preston’s eyes…” I shook my head, unable to fully articulate the betrayal I’d seen there. “I knew in that instant that nothing would ever be the same again.”
Preston’s words still echoed in my mind, sharp as the day he’d spoken them.
“ Cash, what the fuck are you doing ?” His voice had dripped with disgust. “ This isn’t you. You’re letting him degrade you, manipulate you .”
I closed my eyes, remembering how I’d scrambled to cover myself, shame burning through me. “ Preston, it’s not ?—”
“ Not what? Not what it looks like ?” He’d laughed, a cold, cruel sound. “ You’re on your knees like a fucking dog. Is this what you’ve become ?”
My chest tightened as I recounted the conversation to Ocean. “He kept going on about how I was betraying myself, betraying our friendship. How I was throwing away my reputation, my career.”
I ran a hand through my hair, frustration evident in every movement. “And the worst part? A small part of me started to believe him. Started to wonder if maybe he was right.”
The doubt had crept in like poison, tainting everything Victor and I had built. I’d started second-guessing every order, every scene, every moment of bliss.
“Victor noticed, of course. He tried to reassure me, but…” I trailed off, the pain of what came next still raw. “Two weeks later, I came home and he was gone. No note, no explanation. Just gone.”
My voice cracked on the last word. I turned away from Ocean, unable to face him as I continued, “I called him relentlessly for a week until he finally answered. He told me I’d cheated on him. A friend had told him so and that friend had seen me with another man.”
“You’d never cheat.” Ocean’s voice held barely contained fury, yet nothing had ever sounded sweeter.
“I wish Victor had shared that sentiment. No matter how I tried to tell him he was wrong, he wouldn’t believe me. Finally, he told me who he’d heard it from, and then I knew. It turned out Preston was behind it. Victor’s friend was a business associate of Preston, and Preston had told the man I was cheating on Victor, knowing he’d tell Victor.”
“Jesus fuck, what a bastard…”
“Within a mere week, I lost everything. My lover, my Dom, my best friend…all gone in an instant.”
“God, Cash, I’m so sorry. You must’ve been devastated.”
I could see the anger simmering beneath the surface, could almost feel the waves of protective fury radiating off him. It gave me the courage to continue.
“I threw myself into work, tried to forget. But every time I closed my eyes, I saw Victor’s face, heard Preston’s words.” I took a deep breath, steeling myself for the next part of my story. “But that wasn’t even the worst of it. A few months later, I started hearing whispers at work. Rumors about my…proclivities. About me being gay. About my health. Things only Preston could have known.”
I clenched my fists, the memory of that betrayal washing over me like a tidal wave of shame and anger. “He’d told everyone, Ocean. He outed me but twisted the truth, made it sound like I was some kind of deviant. Said I was unsafe to be around. He even hinted at me having HIV.”
My eyes stung with unshed tears as I stole a glance at Ocean, his face barely concealing the storm brewing beneath. “I lost clients, contracts, friends. People I’d known for years suddenly couldn’t look me in the eye. It was like drowning, but everyone around me ignored my struggle. I rebuilt, eventually. Clawed my way back up. But the trust never came back. How could it?”
Finally, I met Ocean’s gaze fully, letting him see the raw, unguarded truth of who I was. “So there you have it. Cashell Sullivan, brought low by his own desires and the betrayal of someone he thought was a friend.”
“Cash,” Ocean said, and just the sound of my name on his lips sent a shiver down my spine. “What Preston did to you is unforgivable.”
I nodded, letting his words sink in. The empathy in his eyes, the understanding in his touch was so different from the disgust and manipulation I’d experienced with Preston. It felt like coming up for air after being underwater for far too long. “I’ve never told anyone this before. I’ve been so afraid of being judged, of being seen as weak or perverted.”
Ocean’s eyes softened, the anger ebbing away like the tide, replaced by something warmer, deeper. He reached out, his hand resting gently on my arm. The touch sent sparks through my body, awakening every nerve ending. “Cash,” he said, his voice as firm and steady as the earth beneath our feet yet gentle as a summer breeze. “Your submissive nature isn’t something to be ashamed of. It’s a part of you, as natural and beautiful as the waves that shape the shore.”
His words washed over me, soothing the raw edges of my long-held pain. I felt my shoulders relax, tension I hadn’t realized I was carrying melting away. “But Preston…”
Ocean’s grip on my arm tightened slightly. “Preston was cruel and ignorant. He didn’t understand, and he lashed out at something beautiful because of his own fears and insecurities. That’s on him, not you.”
“But I’m a businessman. A lot of my success is rooted in my ability to come across as confident. How do those two go together?”
“Because being submissive and being confident aren’t mutually exclusive. You can be submissive and still be very confident, even dominant, in your work.”
I frowned. “You don’t think it’ll show through? That others will pick up on it?” Then, something struck me, a realization that made me gasp. “You picked up on it. How did you know?”
How had he known? In hindsight, he’d dominated me from the moment we’d met. I’d seen it as confidence initially, or as him being bossy—and he had plenty of both. But it had been more than that, hadn’t it? He’d known. Even on the plane, he’d known. “ If you’re good for me, there will be a reward ,” he’d said.
How? How could he have known?
My stomach sank. There was only one explanation.