Chapter 18
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
In which Ocean shares a truth of his own and I discover Preston betrayed me all over again…but did far worse to Ocean.
The suite felt smaller suddenly, the opulent furnishings receding as my focus narrowed to Ocean’s face. I drew in a slow breath, steeling myself. “How did you know? About my submissive side?”
The words hung in the air between us, heavy with implication. I watched Ocean carefully, noting how his eyes widened slightly, searching my expression. The silence stretched, taut as a bowstring.
Ocean’s lips parted, then closed again. He swallowed hard, his throat working. “Cash, I…”
“Ocean.” I wanted to sound commanding, like he could, but I didn’t have it in me. In boardroom negotiations, no problem, but not here. Not with him. “Please. I need to know.”
What if this changed everything between us? The thought sent a chill down my spine. In the short time I’d known Ocean, he’d managed to burrow under my skin in a way no one else had. The idea of losing that connection made my chest ache.
He ran a hand through his tousled hair, a gesture I’d come to associate with nervousness. It was oddly endearing, a chink in his usual carefree armor. “I don’t want to hurt you.”
The sincerity in his tone caught me off guard. I felt my defenses waver, just a fraction. “Sometimes the truth hurts, but I’d rather have honesty between us.”
A sad smile tugged at his lips. “Yeah. I knew you’d say that.” He took a deep breath, his shoulders squaring as if bracing for impact. “It was my father. Preston told me about your submissive side.”
The words hit me like a physical blow. I staggered back, my legs bumping against the opulent four-poster bed. My mind reeled, struggling to process this betrayal. “Preston?” I choked out, my voice barely recognizable to my own ears. “How could he…?”
Anger surged first, white-hot and blinding, but on its heels came a crushing sense of betrayal that threatened to steal the breath from my lungs. Was there no limit to the number of times I could feel betrayed by the same man? Had I not learned by now that Preston was petty and spiteful and would do whatever he could to destroy me?
I thought I’d been able to finally leave that in the past, to move on and forget about it. But here we were again, and I was once again left bleeding by the man who’d been my best friend.
“Cash…” Ocean’s voice was gentle. “I’m so sorry. I never meant for you to find out like this.”
I squeezed my eyes shut, willing the world to right itself. But the chaos in my mind refused to settle, thoughts whirling like leaves caught in a storm. How could I trust Ocean now, knowing he’d been privy to my deepest secret all along? Yet he’d never told me, had let me think he had no clue. The conflict tore at me, leaving me raw and exposed.
“So you lied to me, pretended you had no clue when, all along, you knew. You deceived me.”
Ocean’s eyes met mine, a swirl of turquoise filled with remorse. “Cash, please. Let me explain. There’s so much more to this story.”
I hesitated, my jaw clenching as I wrestled with the anger still coursing through me. But beneath the fury, a flicker of curiosity sparked. I needed answers, needed to understand how my past had become a topic of conversation between Preston and his son, especially because Ocean said he didn’t speak to his father anymore.
“Fine.” I sank into one of the suite’s plush armchairs. “Talk.”
Ocean didn’t waste any time now, maybe sensing I was thin on patience. “It’s not a pretty story. My relationship with Preston has always been complicated.”
I watched Ocean’s usual easy demeanor slip, revealing a vulnerability I’d never seen before. He paced the room, his movements restless. “I wasn’t out to him. I knew better because it was crystal clear how he felt about you being gay after you had your falling out.”
Falling out. That was one word for it. “I’m sure he had some choice words for me.”
“He did, and it made me so sad because even back then, I knew I was different. I didn’t have the word for it yet, but I wasn’t like the other boys. But my mom was still alive, so it wasn’t that much of an issue.”
“But he discovered anyway. You were at Princeton, right?”
He nodded. “A picture of me with another guy was posted online and Preston saw it. He absolutely lost his shit. Couldn’t handle having a gay son. It was like I’d personally offended him by existing.”
The bitterness in Ocean’s tone hit me hard. I’d gotten so, so lucky with my parents. They’d never been anything but supportive, even when I’d been forced to tell them about Victor and the nature of my relationship with him. They didn’t understand, but they accepted me nonetheless. Wasn’t that what parents were supposed to do?
“The first conversation became a battlefield. He threw around words like ‘disappointment’ and ‘disgrace’ like they were nothing.”
“Those are hard words to hear for any child.”
“I was nineteen.”
“Still a child. You needed your father, and he wasn’t there for you.”
Ocean let out a humorless laugh. “Oh, things got worse. That’s when he yelled at me that I would end up the same way as you, like a slave to some other man. You have to remember he was drunk off his ass, slurring his words and making little sense, so at first, I had no clue what he was talking about. So I asked, and I was treated to this whole rant about you and your deviant tendencies, and finally, I understood he’d interrupted you during a scene with your boyfriend.”
I did a quick calculation in my head. This had been five years ago, so ten years after Preston and I had gone our separate ways. Ten years later, he used it as ammunition against Ocean. Pathetic. “That’s a low blow, even for him.”
“I was furious. I mean, obviously, I was already hurting about everything he’d said to me, but those accusations, the sheer meanness and vitriol of them, made me so angry. But things got way worse. After screaming at me for over an hour, he left for some business meeting. I was shaken to my core, though not surprised, and I started packing, knowing it would only be a matter of time before he kicked me out. I packed what mattered most to me in some boxes and had them picked up by FedEx and shipped to a friend. FedEx had just left when Preston came back…even more drunk.”
He’d always been a heavy drinker, though rarely in business settings. Of course that had been before everything had gone to hell.
Ocean’s expression hardened. “I tried to talk to him, but there’s no reasoning with a drunk, so I walked away. He…” Ocean’s hand moved to his ribs, a gesture that made my stomach clench.
“He hit you?” I asked, my voice barely above a whisper.
Ocean nodded, his jaw clenching. “Not just hit. He came at me like a man possessed. I ended up with two broken ribs and a broken wrist before I managed to get the upper hand. I never saw it coming. I’d literally turned my back to him when he hit me with a baseball bat.”
The air left my lungs in a rush. The image of Preston, always so controlled and commanding, losing himself to such violence was jarring. But even more unsettling was the realization of how little I truly knew about the man I’d considered my best friend. I would’ve never thought him capable of physical violence, least of all against how own son. “A b-baseball bat?”
Ocean nodded.
“Jesus, Ocean, I had no idea.”
He met my gaze then, and his vulnerability made my chest ache. “No one did. I kept it quiet. I wanted him out of my life, and so I walked away. Like I told you before, I had some savings, so I wasn’t destitute or anything, but emotionally, it was hard.”
“I’m so sorry,” I said, the words feeling inadequate but necessary. “No one should have to go through that, especially not with their own father.”
Ocean’s eyes met mine. “No. And that was the last time I saw him. I called a friend, who picked me up and took me to the ER to get treatment, then let me stay with him. I dropped out of college and disappeared from Preston’s life. My last name is the only thing that still links me to him.”
I let it all sink in, shifting through the storm of emotions inside me. An intense fury over what Preston had done to his own son, abusing him emotionally and physically. A deep sadness that Ocean had missed out on love from both his parents. Oh, Marcia had loved him, but she’d been a shadow of her former self and not the mother he’d needed or deserved. There was shame all over again, that Preston had used my deepest humiliation to hurt his son.
But beneath it all was still a sense of betrayal. “But you knew. All this time, you knew about that part of me.”
The realization sent a wave of hurt through me. Every interaction, every flirtation with Ocean now felt tainted, manipulated. Had it all been a game to him? A way to exploit my hidden desires. “Was that your plan all along? To use that knowledge to… To what? Seduce me? Play me? See how far you could take it with me?”
Ocean’s face fell, genuine hurt flashing in his eyes. “No, Cash, it wasn’t like that. I swear.”
But the floodgates had opened, and I couldn’t stop the torrent of emotions. “Do you have any idea what it’s like? To have your most private, vulnerable moments exposed like that? To have someone you trusted betray you so completely?”
Ocean took a step toward me, his hands raised in a placating gesture. “I’m so sorry. I never meant to hurt you or betray your trust, and I know I did. You’re right. I should’ve told you from the beginning. I was wrong to keep it from you, and I’m truly sorry for that. But I was scared, Cash. Scared of losing you before I even had a chance.”
His words hung in the air, heavy with emotion. My anger ebbed, replaced by a confusing mix of hurt and curiosity. “What do you mean?”
Ocean’s eyes met mine, vulnerable and open. “I’m not a trained Dom. I once played around a bit with a boyfriend who liked how bossy I was, but it didn’t go beyond safewords, some spankings, and very mild D/s play. But from the moment I met you on that plane, I felt this connection. Something rare and precious. I was terrified that if I told you what I knew, you’d shut me out completely. That I’d lose any chance of getting to know the real you. I didn’t know the details of what had happened between you and Victor, but when we met, I quickly realized you weren’t out as a sub, that you kept that part of yourself hidden. Even suppressed.”
I mulled over his words, feeling the conflict raging inside me. Part of me understood his fear, could even relate to it. But another part still felt violated, exposed. “So you decided to, what? Pretend you didn’t know?”
Ocean nodded, looking ashamed. “I thought if I could get you to open up to me naturally, to trust me, maybe then I could tell you. It was wrong, Cash. I should’ve been honest from the start, but once I realized you were running from your submissive side, I feared that if I told you, you’d send me packing.”
I would have. As much as I wanted to be angry with Ocean for deceiving me and not telling me the truth, he was right that if he’d told me, I would’ve ended things immediately. I wouldn’t have been able to deal with the shame of him knowing that side of me right off the bat. “You’re right. I would have.”
He bit his lip. “I couldn’t lose you. Not then, not now. I wanted to explore what was happening between us.”
I swallowed. “And what is happening between us? This was a temporary thing, wasn’t it? A four-week fling?”
“Is that what you want?”
“Is that what you want?” I fired back, unwilling to bare my soul first. He’d fucked up. He damn well owed me that much.
He took my hand, his eyes soft pools of blue. “No, that’s not what I want. What I feel for you, it’s real. It’s not about the physical attraction or the thrill of the chase. You’ve crashed into my life like the perfect wave, and I’m not ready to let you recede.”
I chuckled at his water metaphor, even as I felt a lump forming in my throat. “You certainly have a way with words, don’t you?”
Ocean grinned, his usual charm peeking through. “Hey, when you love the ocean as much as I do, it becomes part of you.” Then he grew serious again. “But I meant every word, Cash. I don’t have words yet for what I feel, but I’m feeling a lot, and I want to see where this could go.”
My hands were shaky as I answered him. “Me too.”
“Yeah? You’re feeling it too?”
I’d been hurt too deeply in the past to jump in, not even with Ocean. “I’m not promising anything long-term yet. But like you, I want to see where this current takes us.”