6. Chapter Five
She had been ignoring and hiding from Mac any time she saw him. Janie knew it wasnt right, but she didnt know what else to do. Everything was getting so complicated and she hadnt had time to sort through things.
There were obvious reasons Janie shouldnt get involved with Mac. So many reasons but there were reasons that she could be with him. Janie was attracted to him. His Daddy side called out to her Little. She wanted to be with him because he made her feel safe, comfortable, and valued. Everything he did made her want to be more with him.
But she couldnt be.
Janie had a daughter, an ex-husband, and so much baggage in her life. It wasnt simple to just get with him. There was so much at stake. She needed to think about her daughter and how it would affect her. He had already met her and she was keen on him. Janie didnt want her daughter to get too attached and him leave. It would break both of them if he left.
But it was like he was made for both of them. She wanted him to be Daddy to her and a father figure to Eleanor. He was good at it. The little interaction she saw her daughter have with Mac was enough to know they would get along and it would be great.
Mac was a good man. He was an amazing person who put a lot of people before himself. Made sure that everything was okay and that nothing was going to go wrong. There werent many men out there like that. Or at least the ones she had met. All of them were assholes who only cared about themselves and what benefited them.
Her ex-husband was one of them.
Janie shook her head. She didnt need to think about her ex-husband. It didnt take her a long time to get over him, but she still had to deal with him. Not because of their daughter, but he always managed to leave something at the house that he needed.
Her ex-husband had forfeited all of his rights to their daughter. He didnt want to be a part of their lives. Janie was glad he gave up all rights. It made life easier.
Her phone started to ring, scaring her.
Shit, she muttered as she tried to find her phone. Where was that stupid thing? Finally finding it, she accepted the call.
Hey, Echo, She said.
Lose your phone again? she asked.
Yes. I thought I had it right with me, but it was in a drawer.
Janie had a habit of losing her phone. It wasnt the best and she tried to place it in the same spot each time, but that didnt always happen. Having a two year old made it hard when she had to drop things to go help or fix something.
You need to wear it around your neck or in your pocket, Echo said.
Womens pants dont have pockets and its too heavy and big to be around my neck.
She had the latest smartphone for work and personal use. She had wanted to get two, one for personal and work, but Janie knew she wouldnt be able to keep track of them. She already had a hard time keeping track of one, two would be nearly impossible.
When are you coming to the club? Echo asked. We all miss you.
Janie sighed. She had also been skipping going to the club so she could avoid Mac. She missed it terribly but she also didnt want to talk to Mac right now.
I was thinking about coming tonight, but Im not sure, Janie said.
Does Mac have anything to do with you not coming to the club? Echo asked. She kept quiet. All of them knew that she liked Mac but they didnt know everything.
No, she replied.
Bullshit, Echo said. Dont lie to me. Is it Mac? Do I need to do something?
No, she quickly said. You dont need to do anything. Its just me.
Do you want to talk about it?
Maybe but not really. She sighed. She wanted to talk about it, but at the same time she didnt. What if the girls made fun of her? What if they told her she wasnt good for Mac any more?
Well, if you need to talk, Im here for you. All I can say is Mac has come in every night into the main room to see if youre here. Disappointed every time he doesnt see you, Echo said.
Janie was shocked at the news. She didnt think that would happen.
Really? She whispered.
Oh yeah, Echo said. Visible disappointment. Whatever is going on between you two, dont let it get in the way of you coming and relaxing, having a good time.
Janie sighed and closed her eyes. Echo was right. Okay, she whispered. Let me call my babysitter and Ill come tonight.
Yay! All of us will be there tonight! See you there! Echo said and hung up.
Janie took several deep breaths before calling her babysitter and asking if she could watch over her daughter tonight. Thankfully her babysitter was normally free during the nights and loved watching Eleanor.
After she got that situated, Janie walked into the living room where Eleanor was playing with some toys.
Mama will be back, she said.
She needed to go check the mail, something she had neglected to do for the past couple of days. Janie was worried she would see Mac, but it was overdue and he shouldnt be home at this time anyways.
Opening the door, she took a step out of the house and soaked in the sun. It felt amazing to be outside and breathe in the clean air. Jannie took several steps away from her door before she realized Mac was getting out of his car and looking at her.
Janie! he yelled her name.
Her eyes went wide and she turned around, ignoring his pleas to talk to her. She didnt want to talk to him right now, not when she was still confused.
Janie, please. I just want to talk, he said.
But she didnt pay any attention to him. She quickly made her way into her house and shut the door.
Shit.
That was a close one. She hoped and prayed he wouldnt come up to her door and knock, but luck wasnt on her side.
Janie, she could hear him through the door. Please open up. I just want to talk to you. But she didnt want to talk to him right now. Not for a very long time. Please, Janie, he said once again.
Guilt started to eat inside of her as she kept the door closed. She never wanted to be treated like this and here she was treating Mac that way. She opened the door slightly and stuck her head out. Im busy and need to go do some stuff. Right now isnt really a good time to talk.
Let me help you, he said.
Its okay. I dont need any help, she said and cringed. That was a lie of the century. She definitely needed help with a lot of things, but she didnt want to ask anyone. Call it pride or just down right stubborn.
Eleanor started screaming and panic went through Janie. Turning on her heels, she sprinted into the living room to see Eleanor bawling her eyes out. She quickly picked her up and started to bounce her, trying to calm her down.
Shhh, she whispered. Youre okay. Mamas here.
Janie heard Mac enter the house and walk towards them. Mac, she said. I really don’t want to talk right now. I dont have the energy to have a conversation.
Can I just know why youre ignoring me? he asked.
She closed her eyes and took several deep breaths. She didnt want to get into this right now. Please, just leave, she gently said. I dont really want to see you right now.
What did I do wrong? he asked. Did I do anything?
Janie couldnt look at him. I dont want to talk about it right now. Her heart ached as she said those words. She didnt want to tell him that, but it was for the best. He shouldnt be with her.
Im not giving up on you, he said.
Tears filled her eyes as he said those words.
Im going to continue to fight for you. Show you that I want you and your daughter, he continued to speak. That Im not going to leave you or Eleanor. You two mean the world to me and I would be foolish not to continue to fight for you both. Help you see that you and your child are my everything, that I want to protect and spoil both of you.
She continued to rock Eleanor in her arms as she shut her eyes tight. She couldnt cry right now. Not when he was in the house.
It might freak you out a bit but I have to tell you. I want to be your Daddy. I want to be your husband. I want you to lean on me when you need to, be your rock, he said. I want to be a father figure to Eleanor, treat her like my own daughter. I want you two to be a part of my family. Grow old together.
Her breath got stuck in her throat as he continued to talk. He really wanted all of that? Was he just saying that so she would agree and then it was some twisted joke and he leave?
Mac wasnt like that, but what if he had an ulterior motive? What if he didnt really want Eleanor part of the family and he was just saying that to get with her.
Both of them were a packaged deal. That was part of the reason she never tried to date. People didnt like it when they already had kids that werent theirs.
Im not going anywhere, he said. I want you to know that. Her back was turned towards him. What was she going to say? She didnt trust herself to say anything while she was so close to tears.
Ill leave, but if you need anything text me, he said. Ill check in with you later. Janie could hear him walking towards the door and she held her breath, trying to stop herself from breaking down. Just make it until he walks out of the door.
Please lock the door, he said, his voice clearly distant like he was already at the door.
She heard the door close and that was when her legs decided it was time for her to sit on the ground. Sobs wracked her body.
He was saying all the right words and she wanted to believe him. She did believe him. But she didnt deserve him.
He was too good for her.
He deserved someone who didnt have a child already. Mac deserved someone who didnt have as much baggage as she did. He deserved so much better.
Why was he wanting her? Why did he want to take on the responsibility of a child and her? He knew she had arguments with her ex-husband about anything and everything.
But Janie wanted him so much. They had chemistry and she felt safe around him. He turned her on.
Mama, Eleanor said as she snuggled into her chest.
Its okay, she said through tears. Everything is going to be okay.
Janie was reassuring herself more than she was her daughter. Eleanor didnt know what was going on right now. It was going to have to be okay. There wasnt anything else it could be.
Janie was going to have to be okay with not having Mac as her Daddy or lover. She needed to put her daughter first and she wasnt giving up her daughter.
Eleanor snuggled into Janies chest more and she held on as she continued to cry.