Chapter 3
Ifelt Julian get out of bed but didn’t rouse entirely when he awoke.
It was more like the absence of the sound of his breathing that caught my attention.
I’d gotten used to how he and Jeremy snored, and I liked the sounds.
The noise told me they were in the room, nearby, and that was what I wanted every night. All of them in my room.
I would give it up if they needed it, but I wanted it just the same.
I drifted back to sleep, still wrapped up in Phoenix and grateful that they had their alarms on their watches, which softly woke them, so we didn’t all have to be on water polo schedules.
I never heard Barrett get up, but I smelled the coffee he brewed in the other room sometime around six- thirty in the morning.
He would leave in half an hour, which was technically when Phoenix and I should get up to be at school at eight.
Phoenix agreed to that time.
I opened my eyes to find him actually awake already. He smiled at me, a soft look, lit by the morning starting to stream through the bottom of the shade on the window.
“Little did they know all they ever had to do to get me up was to brew coffee,” he whispered, and I grinned.
We brewed coffee lots of times and it had absolutely not awoken Phoenix, but it was a cute thought.
As with other mornings—actually, most mornings—he was hard against me. We’d never discussed morning wood, and I could feel it against me, but alone, with just the two of us, I felt brave.
“Does it hurt?” I’d never brought it up before. Not once.
He didn’t pretend to misunderstand me. “Yes, an ache. But I love it because I know I’m here with you. I know what it means, and I know what some day it can mean. I know that it means I’m alive.”
I swallowed. “I love that you’re alive.”
“You do, don’t you?” He closed his eyes, pressing our foreheads together before he kissed me. “And I love you. I wanted to say it before today.” He sighed. “And I just want to stay in this bed with you. Awake. Not sleeping. Wrapped up like this. Smelling you. Talking to you. Forever.”
I wiped his hair off his forehead. “We could have done that this summer.”
“I know and I’m an ass for not thinking about it. Who needs food when there is Alatheia in my bed?” He frowned. “Guess we have to get up.”
“We do. I’ll bring you some of that coffee.”
Phoenix flopped on his back. “Okay. We’ll take turns. You do today. I’ll do tomorrow.”
I doubted I would get him up as easily tomorrow, but I agreed just the same.
I swung my legs over and headed into the living room.
The AC in their apartment was inconsistent, some rooms cold, others warmer, despite their efforts to fix it.
Each room had a radiator system supposed to heat and cool them, but the building was old and some of the rooms needed separate units.
The living room was always cold, probably because the windows were so big and maybe, Jeremy said, gave a slight draft.
The kitchen, by contrast, was hot so I was glad that I wore my tiny gra y shorts and black tank top.
They told me I would appreciate the heat in the kitchen when winter came.
I loved the thought that I could be there for winter.
I lived three years in San Francisco and two years in Chicago, though. There was no real sense of permanence for me.
Barrett wore a pair of dark tailored jeans and a white t-shirt under a navy cashmere crewneck sweater.
The silver watch he always wore, because his granny gave it to him for graduation, was on his left wrist. She engraved it with the words Remember who you are—Granny.
It was vintage and expensive. I didn’t know about men’s watches, but I could tell that much.
His soft-looking black satchel sat on the counter.
And on his feet—because I always checked—were chocolate brown lace up boots.
They said I’m rich but I hardly notice it. I grinned. Yep, that is Barrett.
He smiled and opened his arms. I walked into them. “Aren’t you dying of the heat in here in that?”
“No.” He kissed my head and then left his nose there on my scalp. “I’m used to it in here. Coffee?”
“Yes. Please. I have to bring one to Phoenix, too.”
He laughed, a low sound. “He’s conscious?”
“Actually, yes.”
Barrett didn’t know how handsome he was. How gorgeous, really. Strong. Fit. Put together. I never wanted to leave his arms. It might sound ridiculous, but it was how I felt.
“So, let’s make sure I have it right, so I can picture you all day.
” I pulled back to look at him. “At eight, you have Introduction to Constitutional Law for an hour and fifteen minutes. Then, at 10:30, you have Philosophical Foundations of Justice. That’s also an hour and fifteen minutes, then you’re done with class for the day. ”
He nodded. “Yes, I have your schedule in my phone, so I can picture you, too.” He let go of me to fix me coffee, which he handed me before he made Phoenix’s. I’ll meet you at the scrimmage tonight, and I’ll miss you all day, so please text in the hallway when you can, because you can’t in class.”
“I will.”
His smile was small. “I thought I wanted to go to college because I wanted to get away from my family. That’s still true.
I wanted to because I didn’t know how we’d ever have a life that I could be a part of.
Like, how would we meet the girl who was going to do this life with us?
It seemed preposterous. But here you are, so now I just wish it had all been a year earlier, so I could go to school with you, too. ”
I set down my coffee and hugged him again, tighter. “When you say things like that, I believe you.”
He would know—because he was Barrett—what I meant.
He had to leave to be on time—which for Barrett meant being early—so I brought Phoenix his coffee. He sat up in bed, and if I had to guess from experience, he’d already popped his ADHD pill. I set the coffee next to him and he smiled. “Thanks. Barrett gone?”
“Just. I’m going to shower.”
He rose, taking his coffee with him. “I will, too. In my bathroom. See you in a minute.”
They had the best water pressure in this building.
But then again, I’d thought that at Tricia’s, too.
Maybe it was a New York thing, or maybe the water pressure at Amelia’s in Chicago had just been particularly bad.
I showered quickly and then blow dried my hair.
I’d added it to my routine and tried to get better at it lately.
I actually watched a video of a girl with similar hair to mine, and hers looked great.
I tried to copy her work, which I had not attempted before—probably a stupid choice for my first day—but I took a curling iron and tried to make waves.
In the end, it wasn’t horrible. Not going-to-turn-heads great but presentable.
I’d bought some makeup, so I did my eyes and my lips.
I was trying hard for me, but not because I cared what the Pullman people thought.
I didn’t want the Lents to become ashamed of me.
The more I was insulted, the more they were bound to change their minds.
They had to live in the wealthy world. Further, they needed to fit in, so no one questioned anything about them.
I needed to blend in enough that I was only moderately a problem and not a huge one.
I wished I loved myself more.
I used to think about leaving, about my future on my own, because maybe I could love myself then, but I wanted to stay since I met them. I still needed to figure out how to be okay there.
The uniform was kind of awful, but it would be awful on just about everyone.
The green and red, with some blue interwoven into the plaid skirt fell beneath my knees.
Shapeless and drab. Underneath, we had to wear nude pantyhose, and I had an extra pair in my bag in case they ran during the day.
The top was a sweatshirt, which we even had to wear on hot days. I asked.
But Jeremy told me some of the girls wore white t-shirts underneath instead when it got really hot. Mostly, the teachers didn’t comment, but they could if they were extra.
His words.
I put on the white t-shirt that said Pullman in green letters across the chest. I stared at my reflection with frustration. It was the best it was going to get. Finally, I slipped into my new Mary Janes. As had been the case in Chicago, only our shoes were allowed to be individual.
I thought the outfit said I’m blending, leave me alone. Before I left, I put on the pink freshwater pearls Jeremy had bought me. They said that he thought I was strong—Alatheia strong—so I loved them.
So much.
Phoenix waited for me in the hall dressed in the same color scheme.
. .sort of. In his case, it meant khaki pants and a red and blue striped tie to go with his green blazer with its embroidered P.
Under the blazer, he was supposed to wear a dress shirt, but instead he chose a white t-shirt.
I honestly didn’t blame him since it was just too hot for how they wanted us to dress.
He stared at me, his gaze moving slowly up and down my body.
“Fuck, you look sexy in that. I’ve never thought school uniforms were sexy, but it is on you.
Come here.” He pulled me to him and kissed me thoroughly, so I left some of my lipstick on his bottom lip.
I quickly wiped it away then laughed when I fixed mine.
“Thanks?” I shrugged. “I hoped for good enough to make no waves and maybe, just maybe, make one friend.”
He tilted his head before he took my hand. “Friends? Yes, you should have friends.”
I held up one finger. “I only want that many. I’ve never had any. Not so easy for the poor relation.” I shrugged as if it didn’t matter.
“Hmm. You’ll have as many friends as you want. Tell me who you want for your friends, and I’ll see to it.”
I leaned on his arm as we walked toward the elevator. “Phoenix, you can’t tell people to be my friends. That’s not how it works. I wouldn’t want that anyway.”