Chapter 18
Phoenix rocked back and forth on the couch, his head in his hands, despite my best efforts.
Sometimes he muttered about a dark place, swatting at invisible hands reaching for him.
I stroked his back. I wanted to scream, since there wasn’t much else I could do for him, other than be with him until it ended.
Barrett said, “This is THC, a kind of marijuana. It shouldn’t be doing this to him.”
I knew very little about drugs, so I shrugged, useless in the conversation.
Jeremy stared out the window as if he might see the answers on the street below. “It’s synthetic, so it can happen, unfortunately.”
“Didn’t he tell us once that Joe was quote unquote safe?
” Julian sat on the floor in front of Phoenix, touching his brother’s knees gently.
“Isn’t that what he told us years ago? That’s why he went to him for his stuff?
Wasn’t that the whole point? No bad mixtures?
No fentanyl. All of it was supposed to be fine. ”
Barrett drummed on the piano, turning to music to try to soothe his nerves. I didn’t know the song, but the melody was sad, and it matched my mood. We all stayed with Phoenix right then, and he was lost in the dark alone.
“How would Phoenix know it would go bad?” Jeremy didn’t turn around, gaze locked on the lawn.
“I mean I ate it up, just like you all did. He fed us a line, and it was exactly what we wanted to hear. As if we could pretend there were safe drugs or a safe drug dealer when we all knew it was bullshit.”
Barrett’s hands faltered and he missed a note. For a few seconds, he stilled his hands, breathing deeply through his nose before his fingers started rolling over the keys again.
Julian grabbed his brother’s knee, demanding his attention. “K2 is illegal. If we call Eric, it’s over.”
“Give it more time. It’s probably almost over.” Jeremy still stared outside, but suddenly I wondered if it only was because he didn’t want to look at Phoenix.
I grabbed Dina’s journal off the table, deciding I would read while we waited for him to ride out the drug’s dark place. I needed something—anything—to distract me from reality. I kept my hand on Phoenix’s back while I began to read.
SEPTEMBER 1ST, 1966
Marriage is an adjustment? I knew it would be true before I married them, but, boy, is it a hard lesson to learn in reality.
Once we were away from my mother-in-law’s and her rules, we decided to invent our own rules.
One of them is they don’t seem to think that I should work.
I find it particularly funny, because I always assumed I would be working.
Even when I attended boarding school, I expected to have to get a job someday.
Then again, I didn’t get to finish school, which made things complicated.
Still, I am quite capable. Money is tight, the men preparing to launch the first store—which is fine, as I am not one to spend much money, usually.
But I could help them. They disagree, claiming I should be setting up our house.
We set up the damn house already. Oh, did I mention we moved?
Did I forget to mention that? We moved to Riverdale, in the Bronx.
We could afford a little more space and two other families like ours live in the area nearby.
I intend to meet them shortly, perhaps I’ll bring along a gift from one of the stores?
They aren’t close friends of the Lents, because they moved away from the lake before the Lents made their wealth. However, after a few overtures by Victor, we got invited to a dinner. I’ll let you know how it goes.
Our house is a brick row house, which means one of our walls attaches to that of our neighbor. They are perfect for us, though, since he can’t hear, is always shouting, and she can’t see very well. They haven’t even looked strangely at our four- bedroom paradise in the Bronx.
But the house is dull when they work all day and leave me here.
I cook for them, which takes up some time, and they compliment my efforts at length.
Perhaps they hope I’ll just get pregnant soon, thereby distracting myself with something to do at home.
Perhaps I hope for that, as well. . . It would fill the time.
I can imagine a child with their faces, their eyes, running down the halls and laughing.
I also discovered I prefer to fill my time and become desperately bored without occupation.
But I do love them so.
I think I shall paint all the downstairs walls red today.
They might hate it, but they probably won’t tell me, because they want me to be happy.
I’ll know if they hate it, though. If they suddenly all get busy doing other things, refusing to sit in the rooms. .
. Yes, I need activity, so for now, I’ll paint the walls red. Tomorrow? Who knows?
DL
I thought of the red walls in her beautiful apartment on the Upper East Side, the same building where my aunt lived.
Julian warned me within seconds of meeting him that they didn’t like it if people made fun of their granny’s wall color.
Personally, I loved it—so warm and vivid all at the same time.
In our current home, trees crawled up the walls, a fantasy forest painted by their mother for them.
Painting the walls must be a Lent woman thing.
I smiled at the thought. If I ever painted the walls in my own home, I would paint them red, too.
For Dina, the first woman to be nice to me in five years. Half a decade of time, holy cow.
“What is Granny doing?” Julian asked. “What is she up to in there, anyway? Can you tell me any of it?”
I could be vague, but I wasn’t going to share a story she wanted to tell in her own words. It warmed me that she’d been shocked I kept her secrets already.
“They moved to the Bronx,” I said and smiled at him. “I’ve never been there. Have you?”
He lifted his eyebrows. Jeremy joined us, crossing his legs to sit next to Jules. He said, “I forgot she lived there. I never think of her as living anywhere except her apartment, but that’s just because she’s lived there my whole memorable life.”
Barrett stopped playing and joined us, sitting on the other side of Julian.
“The pictures in her bedroom are all from their time in the Bronx. I never ask her much about them, or about our grandfathers. I feel terrible about that, but all I honestly know is they had a better relationship with their parents than we have with ours.”
Phoenix lifted his head and raised his hand, as if getting attention in a class. “That is probably because of me.” He grimaced. “Sorry. For that and this.”
I kissed his cheek. “Are you okay? Are you you? Are you thirsty? Need anything?”
“No.” He sighed. “I’m sorry. What was I doing? You all look like someone died.”
Barrett got to his feet and clenched his fists, his caged fury reminding me of his more temperamental brothers. “Probably because all four of us feared you were going to die. You might still die.” He repeated it. “And you fucking scared us, okay?”
He stormed from the room, and Phoenix caught his breath then gulped. For a second, I wondered if he would cry. Instead, he leaned back against the couch, staring at the ceiling. “I fucked up again, when this time, I was actually trying to see if I could make things better.”
Barrett reentered the room carrying a leather backpack he used for school. “I’m going to the library.”
Phoenix managed to stumble to his feet. “Barrett, I’m sorry. I am so sorry I scared you. All of you.”
His brother breathed heavily, his knuckles still white because his hands were bunched into tense fists. “You kept saying you needed to get to Alatheia. You were afraid they would take her to the dark place. What is the dark place?”
Phoenix ran a hand through his hair, closing his eyes as if trying to remember. “It’s the only thing I can describe about where they took me. I guess. . .I thought they were going to take Alatheia?”
Julian stood. “Who are they?”
Phoenix shrugged, blowing out a frustrated breath.
“No idea, just a general sense of them. A they. I can’t describe it better, and I’ve tried in therapy.
” Usually, he ran away by that point in discussing his issues.
If we challenged Phoenix on anything, he tended to bolt.
Instead, he told his brother, “It was a dark place, but that’s all I know.
I can’t…” He took a deep breath. “I really can’t come up with anything else about it.
But I can’t have them taking you, Red. I can’t. What would I do if they came for you?”
I wrapped my arms around him again, surprised at how damp his tee shirt felt, drenched in sweat. “No one is taking me anywhere. Especially not like that. If anyone makes me go any place, you can come with me. You told me that, that you would find me anywhere. I believe you.”
He kissed my head. “Thank you. Yes, I would. I…I thought maybe I could just do weed. People are stoned all day every day, so I could take gummies. Smoke it. Eat it. Whatever. I could just spend all day a little bit stoned, blur everything away, and no one would notice. I figured it would be better than what I’ve been doing, anyway. ”
Jeremy stared at him, his face blank with shock. “You thought you could just stop and swap drugs? Like a replacement drug?”
Phoenix gave a one-armed shrug, his expression sheepish.
“I read something about it, thought it might work. Leave it to Joe to give me some kind of dark weed the first time I tried it. I didn’t intend to semi relive the worst time of my life, especially not with a special guest from the future, so I lost my girl, too. ”
Barrett dropped his backpack with a thud, the fight drooping out of him. “We can get you help. We can talk to Eric—”