Chapter 13 #2
I dropped to my knees, still clutching my hair, and leaned forward. I tried to curl into a ball, desperate to make myself as small as possible. The smaller I was, the less visible I would be. Maybe they’d lose sight of me and finally fucking stop.
Black, sticky tendrils grasped my ankles. I felt them inch across my skin, slow and dangerous. They rose up my calf, wrapping around the back of my thighs.
“Liar, liar, liar.”
Up, up, up—the tendrils found their way to my throat, up into my sinus cavity until they began to ooze from my tear ducts. I closed my eyes, letting the drops of black ink slip down my face and onto the floor. If I let myself continue, I’d drown in it.
My chest ached with the effort of simply breathing through it all. The shadows surrounded me now. I couldn’t see them with my eyes closed, but I could feel them. And that’s all I needed.
I reached into my pocket, pulling my earbuds out and putting them back in. Music immediately started to filter through, louder than it had been before.
In through the nose, out through the mouth. That’s what my therapist used to say. Breathing exercises to counteract what was happening to my nervous system. Did they work? I wasn’t sure anymore. All I knew for sure was that Elio needed me. I couldn’t lose my fucking mind right now.
Elio, the man I’d loved for over half of our lives. Elio, the ray of sunshine I’d lost for far too long.
My knees buckled as I struggled to stand, making my legs wobble. I held onto a beam attached to one of the stalls, letting out a slow breath to try to regulate myself.
At the sink, I wet a paper towel and used it to wipe away any stray tears. “I’m sure he’s just sleeping. He’s still recovering. He’s fine.” I tried to convince the man in the mirror, though I wasn’t sure how much he believed me.
But neither of us had a choice.
Fingers snapped in front of my face, startling me out of my thoughts. I looked to the side, following the hand they were attached to. “Uh, what’s up, man?”
“Yo.” James nodded at me, a little half-nod he did a lot instead of saying any words. “You can’t hear over the music. What’s up with those?”
I reached into my pocket, finding the volume buttons on my phone, and lowered it just a tad. Only enough to hear James clearer, but not enough to invite the voices. “Helps keep me in the groove, you know?”
His left eyebrow twitched, like he wasn’t fully convinced. I’d learned what each small microexpression meant in James-speak.
Small webs formed in my gut, slowly building and tightening.
Across the top, shame began to walk. The web bounced and shifted with each step, struggling to keep its integrity.
With a nervous laugh, I brushed him off.
“Gives me motivation. I have a whole playlist ready to go. Really pumps my blood.” I waited for a moment, watching James’s face.
“Cool. Just different.”
“Yeah. Uh, I’ll see you the day after tomorrow?”
A half-nod.
I had to hold myself back from running to my car, my thoughts still solely on Elio and if he was doing alright. The moment I sat in the driver’s seat, the music that’d been running in my ears all day suddenly stopped.
Ended. Just like that. No warning, no nothing.
Suddenly, everything was at max volume. The voices overtook everything else, much louder than the world around me.
I pulled my phone out of my pocket, nearly dropping it a few times with the panic building in my veins.
I fucking hated it. Everything felt too slippery in my palms, and tiny pricks of electricity kept poking every inch of my skin and I just wanted it all to stop.
Fucking stop.
Fucking… my phone was dead. Of course it was.
I panted for breath, ignoring everything my therapist ever told me in the past. Like it wasn’t a part of me, I watched my hand rise, only to slam down onto the steering wheel. “Stop! Just stop! Just fucking shut the fuck up!”
The material groaned under my grip, trying to bend to my strength. It wasn’t enough to feel the burn on my palms; I wanted to feel it everywhere else, too. Drown out the ghosts haunting my every fucking waking moment.
My phone tumbled into the passenger seat, along with my earbuds’ charging case. With how quickly I pulled out of the parking lot, I was surprised my tires didn’t screech. I hardly paid attention on the drive home. All I could think about was Elio’s silence.
I didn’t waste a single moment once I parked, grabbed my shit, and ran to the front door, too worried to think about slowing down.
My hands shook as I unlocked the door, pushing against it too early by accident.
Round two went easier, as I remembered to turn the goddamn knob before trying again.
This time, I actually made it, and dropped everything on the floor of the hallway before taking off running.
Something… strong hit me right as I entered the living room. I sniffed the air, confused. And where the fuck was Elio? “Hello?” I stepped further into the apartment.
No answer. I slowly untied my apron, letting it fall as I swept my gaze over the living room and kitchen.
The blanket Elio had been using was folded neatly on the couch, set perfectly on the cushion.
My bookshelf was pristine. Like, rearranged alphabetically and so clean it was almost sparkling.
The top of the TV was clear of any dust. The floors looked shiny.
The smell was stronger toward the kitchen. I walked to the counter, turning the corner, and finally saw him. Elio was on his knees, his body fully bent over, his forehead resting on the squeaky-clean floor.
Sobbing.