Chapter 16
Chapter Sixteen
We hadn’t bought any new clothes for Elio yet, so I’d picked out one of my shirts that was far too big for him and some basketball shorts. I waited for him to finish getting dressed on the couch, my earbuds finally charged enough to put back into my ears.
The music was low, but so were the whispers. Most of the time, they were intermittent. Today, they seemed to be constant. I was glad they were as calm as they were when I was helping Elio in the bath, but I wasn’t stupid enough to think that’d last.
When he came into the living room, I patted the couch cushion beside me. “Come sit with me, Sunshine.”
His hair was still damp and pushed back, like he’d run his hand over it instead of brushing through it. I took his arm in my hands, wrapping up the wounds there. “Did you take your meds already?”
“No.” The word came out on a hiss, despite my efforts to be gentle.
After pulling the wrap over onto itself, I grabbed the pill bottle and apple slices with a side of peanut butter sitting on the coffee table. “Here, eat this. You can take these after.”
He took the plate almost cautiously. The tips of his fingers grasped the edge, though just barely. A slice of apple tumbled to the side, rolling with the imbalance. It took him a moment, but he eventually held the plate by the bottom with one hand, grabbing a slice with the other. “Apples again?”
“Do you not like them?”
A stray droplet of water fell from his damp hair, dripping down his forehead. I watched it glisten, sparkling against his skin. “No, I like it. Just a theme I’ve noticed.”
I shrugged as he shoveled it into his mouth with the same enthusiasm as the day at the diner. Would he ever feel safe enough to take his time with food? “It’s quick, easy, and it’s a fruit. An apple a day or whatever.”
“Mm, that’s right. I haven’t seen that Devon dude since you started feeding me them. Must have some truth to it.”
When we were younger, he’d get onto me for chewing with my mouth open. Or chewing too fast, too loud, talking with my mouth full—the list went on. He’d always practiced eating etiquette because of his disdain for the noise, yet now he seemed to break all of his own rules.
Just another thing Jude had changed about him.
I waited until he swiped his finger across the plate one last time, scooping up the remaining peanut butter and licking it off.
He placed the plate into my hands just as hesitantly as he took it.
I offered him the antibiotic and some water, watching him swallow it and hand the glass back to me before ruining the slight peace we’d created.
For just a second, the whisper in my ear got louder. A harsh breath straight into my eardrum, sending chills down my spine. I ignored it. “What happened before I got home?”
Elio’s body tightened, his muscles visibly tensing right before my eyes. He looked down at his lap, clasping his hands together, wringing them around the other. “I just… when I’m home alone, I’m supposed to do something, you know? We had house rules. A list for me to go through and do.”
I nodded along, trying to push the anger that was swirling in my gut down, down, down, deep into the pits of nothingness.
“I mean, I had shit I was supposed to do while he was home, too. But I’ve done the same thing every day, Cres.
I don’t know. I guess I just went back. Back to the house in my mind for a moment.
I was restless, so I thought I’d clean up for you, and then suddenly the Pine-Sol smelled like bleach in my mind, and Jude was coming home early, and—” he sighed, a shaky, barely there sound.
“I don’t know. It probably sounds crazy, doesn’t it? ”
“Sunshine, I may never fully understand what you went through, but I can understand how it affects you. Don’t ever apologize for that. But, you know you need to rest, right?”
He shied away from me, shifting ever so slightly until he was turned away from me completely. I put my hand on his knee, shuffling closer to him, closing the gap he was creating between us. He still wouldn’t look at me, as if he was trying to hide beneath misplaced shame.
Gently, I placed my fingers along his jaw, turning his head to mine. When I could look into his eyes, I kept us there. “Right?”
“I’ve cleaned the entire house top to bottom with a broken rib and fractured ankle before, Cres.”
The force of his words had my eyes closing, my body and brain needing a moment to process everything that meant for him.
For us. “It’ll take time, but I promise you—one day, you’ll understand that you don’t need to do that anymore.
You don’t have to kill yourself just to prove your worth to me. You’re already invaluable to me.”
Forests of beauty with leaves of devastation fell in the background of his bright, beautiful eyes. “What are we going to do, Cres?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, look at me.” He waved a hand up and down his body.
“I’m a fucking mess. I apparently don’t have a home anymore, or the man I thought loved me for the past decade.
And don’t even get me started on the fact that I’m wearing your clothes because I don’t have any, and living in your house on your couch eating your food crying on your fucking floor!
” I watched, stunned, as he growled and tugged on his hair.
“I’m the one who tore us apart! And now here you are, saving my ass again when I should be the one saving myself. ”
Reaching for him slowly, I wrapped my fingers around his wrist. He didn’t fight or pull back when I brought it away from his scalp, resting it between us instead.
“We can buy you your own clothes, Sunshine. But the rest of it? Jesus Christ, the rest of it.” I shook my head.
“I’ve said it time and time again, and I mean it.
I want to help you. It isn’t pity for pity’s sake.
It isn’t because of our stupid fucking past. It isn’t because of anything except that I want to.
Do you get that? That you mean the entire world to me, and all I ever want is for you to be okay? ”
He blinked. And he processed. Or he seemed to, at least. It was a stretch of silence we both needed, but I hated. A man was growling in my ear. I fucking hated it. I wanted him to stop, to shut the fuck up and let me have this goddamn moment, but he was relentless.
Just growling and growling. A rabid dog mixed with a human, snarling every few seconds. I shook my head out of reflex, only a little bit. Only enough to feel like I could take control back.
One of Elio’s eyebrows dipped, probably catching my reaction. “What if he finds us?”
“Then I’ll kick his ass.”
“What if you’re not home?”
“Then don’t open the door. Run to the bathroom and lock it. Call the police, then text or call me if you can, but keep your phone on silent. If the police don’t get here in time, I can promise I will.”
“I have a lot of shit at the house still.”
“I can go get it.”
“How?”
“I’m not afraid of him.”
He frowned, looking to the side. “I am.”
I wrapped my arm around his shoulder, pulling him into me. It took a bit of rearranging on both our ends, but I slowly lowered his head onto my shoulder. “I know. I can bring Moon if you’re worried.”
Goosebumps rose along my neck and shoulder as his breath touched my skin. “I just want my painting. That’s it.”
So he still had at least one. “Which one?”
“You haven’t seen it before, but it means a lot to me.”
“You know…” I trailed off, shifting us a bit more so I could lean further back against the couch. “I can get you a canvas and some paints if you’d like. Or have Sarah bring them over.”
He didn’t respond directly. Honestly, I hadn’t really expected him to. “Why do you have earbuds in?” The question surprised me as much as it startled me.
Lying to James earlier was easier, since he only saw me at work.
Now, Elio would be seeing me way more often, and I hadn’t been able to go very long without them in so far.
I took far too long to respond, searching around in my brain for something logical.
“It’s just something I do. It’s comforting to have music on all the time. ”
A stupid lie. A sick one, actually. It teetered on using our distance as an excuse.
“I guess I really have missed a lot, huh?”
It dug a knife into my stomach, twisting and turning until nausea rose, and yet I couldn’t take it back. Elio was already in such a vulnerable state; I couldn’t do that to him. I couldn’t admit the insanity going on in my mind or what was sure to come next.
He didn’t know, nor did he need to know just how fucked up I’d gotten since he left. How lonely it was to go through life without him by my side. How terrifying it was when I finally told Mom, who immediately made me an appointment with a therapist.
I spent so much time in my room, throwing back medication after medication, that I’d forgotten what living felt like. I’d been stripped down to my basic self, struggling to even eat, drink, or use the bathroom, like a newborn all over again.
Elio couldn’t know. So no matter how much it hurt to lie to him, I knew it was the right choice. For me and for us. I mean, I handled it all by myself for a while once; I could do it again, right?
Famous last words.
My ringtone started to play in my ears, making me jolt. Elio gasped from my side, caught off guard as well. “Sorry,” I muttered, shifting enough to pull my phone out of my pocket. “Shit.”
“Who is it?”
I sighed, groaning more externally than internally. “Fucking Moon. I told him I’d call him.”
Elio started to move. “You can answer. I can give you some privacy.”
“No, stay. Let me see what he wants real quick, and then we can get some food and watch TV. Sound good?” I didn’t want him out of my sight.
I didn’t even get to say hello before Moon started rambling through my earbuds. “Hello, little brother! Nice to hear from you. Guess you forgot about me again, huh? Like you’ve been doing to all of your family members the last few days.”