Chapter 16 #2
My phone balanced on my knee, my other arm still wrapped around Elio’s shoulders. “For fuck’s sake. I told you I’ve been busy.”
“Too busy to care about us, huh? And what exactly has taken precedence over your measly attention span?” A shuffle of blankets crowded the speaker, probably as he made himself a cocoon.
“None of your business, actually. Why does it matter so much to you?” Was that snarkier than I’d intended?
Moon hissed on the other side of the phone. “Damn, bro. No need to get testy with me. I just worry about you, you know?”
I groaned, letting my head fall back against the couch. “I know, but I’m fine.” No, I’m not.
“Well, when you go ghost on us, we aren’t so sure. Mom and Dad are serious about going to see you. They wanna make it a whole trip, but you haven’t responded to them.”
“I can’t have you guys come up here just yet. I’ve got a lot going on with work and other life shit. It isn’t personal, and I’m completely fine.”
Of course, he didn’t seem convinced. “Have you been checking in with your therapist?”
I rolled my eyes. “Moon, I stopped that when I moved here. You know that.”
“Doesn’t mean I condone it.”
“Just leave it alone, dude. Seriously. I’ll text Mom and Dad, but I need to go.”
He was quiet. Even the rustling of his blankets had stopped. “Okay. I love you, little bro.”
What the fuck was happening to me? Everywhere I looked, everything I touched, was suddenly falling the fuck apart. “I love you, too.”
He hung up, leaving a second of silence before my music started again. Enough for someone or something to yell into my ear, its voice building in tone and volume. I flinched at it, my fingers automatically going to the buttons on my phone to turn the music up louder.
Anything to drown out the dejected way Moon had ended the call. It ate at me. I couldn’t help my ray of sunshine, I was pissing my family off, I’d made my brother sad. I was officially fucking losing it, wasn’t I?
The memories were far too fresh in my mind. Of when I lost it the first time, suddenly transported into a dimension where I knew nothing and had no one.
“Everything okay?”
Elio’s muffled question scared me, but it was enough to bring me back into reality. I turned my music down, mentally shaking the cobwebs out of my brain. “Yeah, they’re just bothering me about coming over.”
He hummed. “Do you want them to?”
“Not anytime soon, honestly.”
I felt his hair tickle the side of my neck as he looked up at me. “You don’t have to pause your life because of me, Cres.”
Obviously, it was going to take a lot of time and work for him to see his worth in my eyes.
I placed my hand on the side of his head, holding him closer to me.
My cheek rested against his hair, everything serene if only for a moment.
“Not a chance in hell, Sunshine. I’d pause anything for you, but I’m not pausing my life for you. I promise.”
After a few moments, I checked the time on my phone. “Do you feel like you could eat? We could heat up some leftovers or order in if you’d like.”
“Can we watch that guy again while we eat?”
“Gordon Ramsay?”
As soon as he nodded, I was reaching for the remote. “Absolutely, we can.”
When the moon had risen, and our silence had stretched well into the night, Elio was still glued to the TV.
Watching him enjoy something so common for me—a given in my life’s enjoyments—both broke my heart and made it sing.
I was able to show him something so mundane, yet so powerful to him.
He truly was obsessed with cooking shows, not just Gordon Ramsay.
But it was late, and I was waiting on a response from Sarah about her coming over to stay with Elio tomorrow since I had to work. I didn’t know what I was going to do if she said no.
I peered down the hallway. “Did you get the bedroom set up how you’d like it?”
“I’m not stealing your bed, Cres. We’ve already gone over this.” He slumped back, relaxing further into the couch.
“We did, and I thought we had come to the same conclusion. Come on, it’s late. Let’s get you in bed.” I stood from the couch, yet Elio didn’t move an inch.
Sighing, I turned around and held my hand out. “Come on, Sunshine. Bedtime.”
He groaned and grumbled, but took my hand in his, letting me pull him up. I grabbed the remote, shutting the TV off, and led him down the hallway, never letting go.
We’d barely made it through the door when he started to complain again. “I really don’t want to take your bed. I’m fine on the couch.”
“Bullshit.” I gently pulled him along, stopping in front of the bed. “Sit here. Do you need some pajamas? I think I have something that could fit you.”
Shaking his head, he pulled the blankets up and crawled into the bed. “These are fine, thanks.”
I waited until he’d gotten situated, lying on his side and facing the door. “Okay, I’m going to grab my chargers and make my way back to the couch. Let me know if you need anything. Is your phone in your pocket?”
“Mhm.”
“Good. You can call me if you don’t want to get out of bed.
I’m just right down the hall.” I made my way to the other side of the bed, grabbing everything I needed.
If we needed to change any pillow or blanket arrangements, we could do that tomorrow if necessary.
I’d told him to take his pick of anything in the hallway closet, which he hadn’t done.
As I stepped out, I held the door open, peering into the now dark room. “Want the door cracked or closed?”
I didn’t hear anything for a minute, but I was glad I waited. A much meeker sound than I was used to came from the depths I was staring into. “Open, please. All the way.”
I pushed the door until the knob hit the wall off to the side. “Alright. Sleep well, Elio.”
There wasn’t any further response, so I took that as an invitation to leave. Sleeping on the couch wasn’t my most favorite thing in the world. The living room felt too open, too easy to get lost in. Too many corners with shadows too unstable.
Sometimes, my eyes would play tricks on me, and I couldn’t tell if the static in my vision was the darkness moving or a sign of my impending doom. It made my apartment feel more like a fence than a home. A low, inadequate border to keep me in rather than keep them out.
I took the neatly folded blanket Elio had left out, shaking it out before laying it over the couch.
Most of the lights had been turned out by now, but I couldn’t stop myself from turning the TV on and muting the sound.
I was afraid of being left alone in the dark—defenseless against the war of loud and louder happening in my ears.
Peace had never been an option. Peace, nor companionship. That didn’t stop me from craving it, though, despite being too stubborn to admit it.
Underneath the blanket, I pretended it was a shield. Like when I was a little kid, terrified of the boogeyman underneath my bed. The false belief that it was enough soothed me just a little bit. I closed my eyes after turning the music in my ears up, and tried to fall asleep.
It wasn’t easy. Never was when I was being haunted like this. Or maybe I was being hunted. At this point, I’d take anything as truth.
Sentences and wishes swirled in my brain, just out of reach.
My fingertips grazed over the aspirations I always had for myself, missing them by a fraction of an inch.
Then, I remembered they were never meant for just me.
They were for us. Elio and I, facing the world together like the best friends we were. Are.
Just as I started to slip into the graceful in-between of asleep and not, the hair on my arms stood on end. A tingling began at the back of my neck, an intense awareness.
Someone was standing in front of me, watching me.
A blast of cold air rushed underneath the blankets, grabbing hold of my feet and turning my skin into ice.
What was it they taught us in school? That humans were like seventy-five percent water?
In my sleepy daze, I started to fear all of it would turn into a flurry of snow.
I’d drift and fall, only to land on the floor and melt into a puddle.
The cycle of life. The cycle of water. The cycle of succumbing to what wasn’t real, though my brain couldn’t tell the difference anymore.
Deciding to face what was ahead of me, I slowly peeled my eyelids open. The shadow in front of me was glowing. Like an angel I’d never met before, the bright TV’s light illuminated it, flooding my eyes almost painfully.
It was harsher than the sun, but more beautiful than anything I’d ever seen before.
For a moment, I wondered if I was supposed to be on my knees, begging for mercy.
I’d heard about God; the stories Christians told, relaying the information from their Bible they held so dearly.
I’d never read it or paid much attention to it.
A mistake I’d made early on in life, I supposed.
Now, whatever judgment was passed upon me would be true, and I had nothing to show for it.
“Cres?” It spoke. The glowing, otherworldly figure spoke to me as if it knew me. How did it know my name? The shadows had never done that before. “Crescent.”
A hand, beautiful and shiny, reached out for me, connecting with the skin on my face. I jolted, leaning into the warmth of it before realizing—“Elio.”
“Yeah, it’s me.”
I closed my eyes, sighing in relief. When they opened again, the TV had changed screens, a much darker background dimly glowing around him. Elio had been the angel all along. “What’s wrong?”
The warmth left me, his hand falling away from my face. “I, um.” He took a deep breath, and I could see his shadow shifting from side to side. “I’m scared.”
“Scared? Of what?”
“Being alone, I guess.”
Fuck. Of course he was. I felt around for my phone, turning the music down when I found it. “I’m sorry. Do you want me to stay with you?”
“You’d do that?”
I threw the blanket off me, grabbing my things once more. “Of course I would. Let’s go.”
Using the glow of my phone as my light, I reached for his hand, attempting to grasp it with mine. When my hand encircled his, I realized I couldn’t feel anything. No warmth. No heartbeat. No skin-to-skin. I frowned where I stood, trying to figure out what was wrong.
The floorboard creaked as Elio stepped closer to me. “Cres? I’m right here.”
To the right, he held his hand out for me.
It wasn’t the one I’d been trying to grab.
Black, sticky tendrils began to wrap around my wrist, connecting with the shadow I’d unknowingly touched.
My lungs stuttered in my chest, constricting with unease and an odd sense of desperation.
“Right. Sorry. Can’t see.” I laughed the words, trying to disguise the fear in them. The fear in me.
I took his hand in mine, grateful for the warmth I felt this time, and led him back down to my bedroom. Neither of us bothered to turn the TV off, letting it brighten the too open, too suspiciously empty living room.
When we reached my room, I guided Elio back under the blankets before crawling under myself. I tucked them against his side, taking care to push some beneath his chin.
My phone went back on the charger, but I didn’t raise the volume again. Instead, I turned to my side, facing Elio, who lay on his back. “Better?”
I couldn’t see at all this time; only the rustle of the pillow was evidence of his movement. “Yeah. Thanks.”
“No problem, Sunshine.”
I closed my eyes again, seeking the sleep I’d fought earlier. As I drifted, I thought about the angel beside me. I wondered where he’d been hiding his wings. And I tried to ignore the shadow in the corner who was repeating my words back to me.
“No problem, Sunshine.”
“No problem, Sunshine.”
“No problem, Sunshine.”