Chapter 25 #2
Shaking my head, I backed us up. “That isn’t the point. He’s been seeing a therapist, he seems to be doing okay, and he said he wants to go on a date with me. Okay? So, I’m doing it. It kind of feels like we’ve done everything backwards. We’ve already kissed and stuff.”
He took a second to process. I could hear the wheels turning in his head. “And stuff, he says.”
“Moon.”
“Okay, okay, I’m sorry.” He sighed, long and loud. “Take him on a date, then. I’m sure you guys have been busy, so I get why you’ve been quiet. But I’m serious, you need to call Mom, Dad, and Star. They’re just as worried as I am.”
“I will. Thanks, Moon. But, uh, how do dates work?”
“Oh my god. How much longer do you have on your lunch break? This might take a while.”
I stood in the doorway, leaning against it, watching as Elio’s wrist dipped with the stroke of his paintbrush. He looked so happy and peaceful, with earbuds of his own in his ears, that I didn’t want to disturb him. Especially with how beautiful the painting looked.
He’d finished the one of us yesterday, putting it to the side for now.
I needed to figure out a way to hang them around the house.
This one was a field—a gorgeous, open field with tall grass and what looked to be daisies in the corner.
Couldn’t forget the daisies. There were outlines marked in pencil on the canvas, but I couldn’t quite make them out just yet. Not from this view, anyway.
Paint was splattered across his apron, which I’d borrowed from the bakery for him. He was beautiful, right in his element. The element he was always meant to be in but was taken away from.
“Hey, baby.”
He jumped, turning toward me, his eyes wide. “Oh, you scared me. I didn’t see you.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t want to disturb you too much.” I walked past the doorway, coming up to rub his arm where there wasn’t any paint.
The smile on his face made everything better. “That’s okay. I missed you. Let me get my apron off, and I’ll give you a hug.”
I leaned down, pressing my lips to his in a soft, gentle kiss. “I wouldn’t have minded. How was therapy?”
“It was really good. We talked through some triggers and stuff. Like, um, when I got triggered the other day when you were on top of me. And then the laundry thing.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah, I told her it didn’t make sense to me.
Like how triggered I got with one over the other.
I don’t know.” He shrugged and untied the apron from around his waist, shedding it completely.
“She said it’s normal. Not everything will hit me the same way.
I mean, the house rules were every single day.
Sometimes, I could figure out what the punishment would be, and other times, I had no idea. It was unpredictable at best.”
I felt the anger deep in my gut, but I tried not to show it. Elio didn’t deserve the ugliness. He deserved only good after enduring so much bad in his life. “I mean, it makes sense to me. Though that may not mean much in the grand scheme of things.”
“No, it means a lot to me. Just having you understand me, I guess. Did you call Moon?”
“Yeah, I did. Called my parents right after, too. They really want me to come and see them, or to come see me. See you, really. They’re excited to know you’re back.” I took his apron and led him down the hallway.
He sat on the couch, putting one leg over his knee. “We can go visit them if you’d like. I don’t mind. I’d like to see them again, honestly.”
Well, I hadn’t been expecting that. “You sure?”
“Yeah. That sounds nice.”
I leaned against the arm of the couch, looking down at him. “Okay. We can visit, then. Do you think you’re ready for a date night, or do you want to wait for another day?”
A big, satisfied grin took over his face, damn near squishing his cheeks up toward his eyes. He nodded, his excitement obvious. “I just need to shower all this paint off. Where are we going?”
“Well, I was thinking we could try that small Italian place at the edge of town if you’re up to it.”
His eyebrows turned down, but only for a second. “I think I’ll be a bit worried. You know, about Jude showing up or something. But I want to try, and I know I’ll have you.”
The way he said it had my heart aching. A warm, tingling ache square in the middle of it. He finds me safe. “Yeah, I’ve got your back, Sunshine.”
He grinned at me just before running off to shower. We took turns doing so, Elio coming out of the bathroom in one of his favorite crop tops and a pair of black jeans. They looked like they were crafted specifically for him, melding perfectly to his body.
Instead of silently admiring him, I wrapped my arms around his waist and kissed him right on the lips. “You look fucking gorgeous.”
Watching his cheeks turn red was one of my favorite pastimes as of late. The blush traveled down to his neck, and I saw his eyes flicker to the side. “You don’t look so bad yourself, honey.”
Through all the years we’d known each other, I never knew I needed this from him. But it felt right. It felt natural. It felt real, and it felt like us.
I could tell Elio was a bit nervous on the way to the restaurant.
I could feel the energy coming from the passenger seat where he was.
He was holding up pretty well, all things considered.
I could hear him doing deep breathing the entire way there, and I made sure to chime in periodically with words of affirmation or praise.
After how well the day had gone, I wanted to go without my earbuds for once.
Just while Elio and I were on our first date.
I wanted to hear him without any muffled music playing beneath his voice.
We needed to be one-on-one, with my sole focus on him instead of the deep bass or strumming of guitars in the song I’d picked to drown the world out.
So far, so good. I could hear him and everything else around us without any unwanted interruptions.
It took us a minute to get into the building with how anxious Elio was, but once we were seated, he seemed to mellow out some.
The menus were a whole other challenge, with hundreds of options to choose from.
I honestly hadn’t fully thought about how the food might affect him.
We’d been doing good, checking in with his stomach instead of letting him gorge himself.
Though, depending on the portion sizes they gave us, I might have to watch how much he ate so he didn’t get sick.
I opened the menu, pointing to one of the items. “I think the Alfredo looks delicious. What do you think?”
He peered over at it before looking up at me, his bottom lip between his teeth. He chewed on it, seemingly mulling over the decision. “Do you think it’ll be a lot?”
“It might be. But I can help you take a break in between eating if it is. I’ve got your back, baby.”
“Okay, yeah. I think that looks good.”
Elio didn’t take his eyes off me when the waitress came by to take our order. He didn’t seem to feel confident enough to order on his own, so I did it for him without question.
Thankfully, he seemed a bit more at ease once the waitress left. There weren’t many people around us, which must’ve made it a bit better as well. “So, what painting are you working on now?”
“You remember that field we found and would sneak off to drink in?”
I couldn’t hold back my smile at the memory. Some of my favorite ones—though mostly a drunken haze—were there in that field. “Yeah, I do. Is that what it is?”
He nodded, twirling the straw in his water. “Mhm. It was our best hiding spot until Moon found out about it.”
“I remember talking about it when we first started seeing each other again. We really were just a pair of delinquents, huh?”
“Menaces to society, really. We just stayed in our own lane.”
The waitress came back with our plates, setting them down in front of us. The amount of fettuccini on them was almost obscene; the plates themselves were big enough without a mound of noodles on top of them.
I could see it in Elio’s eyes. He was hesitant and worried about everything. A first date shouldn’t include fear.
Taking one of his hands in mine, I rubbed my thumb over the back of it. “We’ve got this, Sunshine. Don’t worry, okay? Let me make sure it’s not too hot, and then you can dig in. If you start to feel full, try to set it aside for a second. But if you can’t, I’ll be keeping watch.”
He sat back, letting me take one of the noodles onto my fork and eat it. “It’s warm, but it’s good to eat. Go ahead.”
The moment I said the words, he dived in. Always as if he were starving, he shoveled the food into his mouth, not leaving much time between each bite. It was something we’d work on in the future for sure, but for now, just getting him to recognize when he was full.
I ate alongside him in silence. When Elio was eating, his brain was so focused on the food that sometimes listening or contributing to conversation was hard. The food was fucking magnificent, though seeing Elio in front of me was the best part of it all.
Usually, hearing someone chew as loudly as he was would be annoying. Without my earbuds, it was amplified, and I found myself not giving a fuck. I loved it, actually. Being able to focus on something otherwise mundane, something I’d previously taken for granted without ever realizing it.
After eating a good bit, Elio began to slow down. I was about to put my knife and fork down and ask him to give his stomach time to settle, but he beat me to it.
He stopped, swallowed the bite he was chewing, and looked at me. “I think I’m getting close to full. I’m not sure. It looks like I’ve eaten a lot.”
“Liar.”
The voice startled me at first with how clear it was. Right into my left ear. I internally shook it off, focusing on my Sunshine in front of me. This was a good thing. A momentous occasion, even.
“You’re a liar.”
What could I possibly be lying about right now? Why would they come back right at this moment? While Elio was looking at me, expecting a response I’d yet to give him.
I smiled, genuinely proud, and tried to ignore what was happening around me and only me. No one else. Because they weren’t real. “I’m so fucking happy you’re recognizing that, baby.”
“Yeah?”
“Of course. Let’s take a minute to see how things go. I was thinking, when we get home, we could watch One Piece?”
There was sauce all over his face. I didn’t have the heart to point it out, so I just handed him a napkin and let him figure it out. “I think that sounds amazing.”
“You don’t deserve him.”
“He deserves better.”
“Liar.”
“Liar.”
“Why are you even here?”
I struggled to ignore it all. Shadows had started to creep in around the corners of my vision, some of them going as far as to zoom across the room.
It all started to settle in. The almost unbearable weight of sadness I hadn’t experienced this morning.
The sticky, dark tendrils of a past I thought I was done living took hold of my ankle.
They were pulling me under the table, desperate to drown me in all of it.
If only I could have one fucking day, one fucking good memory, one fucking life without them around me.
The day I’d heard the first voice, my life had been ruined. I refused to let them ruin Elio, too. I just wasn’t sure what the fuck that meant for either of us.
When we got home, Elio was smiling from ear to ear, his stomach full without being uncomfortably so. I tried to match his excitement, but I wasn’t sure how good I was doing. The voices had followed me home, haunting me the entire time, looking for a reaction I wasn’t giving.
“I don’t think I could handle any popcorn, but I’m down to snuggle on the couch for our little marathon.”
Popcorn, just like last time. The last time we’d ever watched any of the show together, just before he’d left our lives. “Yeah, that sounds really good, Sunshine.”
We took our spots on the couch, me lying sideways with my back against it and Elio in front with my arms wrapped around him.
I could just barely see enough above his head to find the app I needed, scrolling down to episode five hundred eighty-six.
The lights were off, with only the glow of the TV as our light.
Elio leaned back a bit, looking up toward me. “Do you remember what was happening here?”
“Not one bit.”
“At least we’ll both be clueless.”
Together. We’d be clueless together, with Elio in my home, in my heart, and in my arms. It didn’t matter that I couldn’t hear some parts over how loud the voices were being, or that the depression weighing in my bones made me want to close my eyes and fall right to sleep instead, or that I could see at least three shadows lurking in the corners, waiting for me to notice them.
All I had, and all I needed, was my Sunshine.
I just wished I could appreciate him the way I was supposed to, without my brain clogging everything up.
I thought back to the night we last watched this show together, and how serene everything had felt. I clung to that feeling, keeping it stored within me for strength. I had no idea what was going to happen next. Honestly, I couldn’t find it in me to care in that moment.
But I did know that I wasn’t going to let my demons or issues ruin anything for Elio, no matter what it took.