Chapter 28
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Nine Years Ago
The blank canvas frightened me. Just another piece of myself I’d dared to leave behind.
I’d lost it already, though. My creativity and joy for the landscapes, birds, and gorgeous flowers I’d usually paint.
I stared at the pristine, white square sitting atop the easel, waiting to be something else.
Something new and vibrant. But my hands wouldn’t work like that anymore.
I just knew it. I’d lost it, and soon I’d lose everything else too.
A soft knock sounded at my door. I didn’t have it in me to smile like I normally would, even as I opened the door to see Crescent standing on the other side.
His lips turned down into a frown immediately. “Hey, what’s wrong?”
I shrugged, moving aside to let him in. I sat on the edge of my bed, waiting until he was in my desk chair. “Nothing much.”
“Are you and Jude fighting?”
I huffed a humorless laugh, looking up at him. “That obvious?”
“Yeah, kinda. What’s going on?”
My fingers went to the sleeve that rested against the edge of my wrist. I fiddled with the stray threads, but I didn’t dare pull on them too much.
Beneath the sleeves was an array of nasty, ugly bruises I couldn’t let anyone see—not even my best friend.
“Oh, you know. Stupid stuff. I’ll be talking to him tomorrow, and everything will be okay by then. ”
Crescent swiveled in the chair, rocking from side to side. “Well, that’s good. I’m here to talk if you need to. You know that, right?”
“Of course I do.” I just wouldn’t dare do that. Not with what was coming.
“You wanna watch One Piece together again?”
It fucking hurt to shake my head. Two nights ago, we’d watched it all night together, sharing a bowl of popcorn between us.
The extra butter kind. We’d laughed, just like old times.
We’d shared memories, made new ones, and fallen asleep with smiles on our faces.
“No, not tonight. Can you do me a favor, though?”
When he tilted his head, I could see all the chin hairs he’d missed while shaving. They stuck out, all patchy and weird-looking. I wasn’t going to tell him that, though. “What is it?”
“Remember that night, okay? For the future. Keep it in your heart.”
“Well, that’s fucking ominous, dude. Why would you say that? I keep all our times together in my heart.”
I shrugged. “No particular reason.”
The bed dipped beside me as he sank onto it with me.
“You’ve been weird lately, El. I told you that you could talk to me, but I don’t think you’re taking that seriously.
You never open up to me anymore. You aren’t acting the same.
I mean, look at Mom’s painting. What’s going on?
” He turned toward me, sitting sideways.
“I just want to understand. You’re distant, bro. ”
I refused to look at him the same way he was looking at me. If I did, I’d lose my resolve, or whatever was left of it. How could I explain that he was right? But I’d finally found love, and I wasn’t sure how to let go of it. I didn’t want to let go of it.
Jude loved me despite my problems. He took care of me in his own ways. Every task, every bruise—it was the love I deserved. The love I needed. The type of love that would help me grow. Crescent was my best friend, and I loved him with all my heart, but it was a different kind of love.
What if I passed up Jude’s love and never found it again?
“I’m sorry, Cres. I’ll try to do better.” No, I wouldn’t.
His arm wrapped around my shoulders, pulling me into his side. “Thank you. I just worry about you, man. You know that.”
“I know.”
“We’ve been friends since elementary school. We’re gonna be friends for life. I just need to know if there’s something I can do to help keep it that way.”
“Nah, bro. You’re doing everything you can.”
He hugged me against him again, a little bit longer this time. “I love you.”
If he didn’t leave, I was worried my heart would combust. I could feel it cracking and peeling, starting to decay to the point of no return. “I love you, too. With all my heart, Cres. Don’t ever forget that.”
“Again with the ominous stuff, El. You’re really going to make me start worrying.”
Forcing out a laugh, I shrugged him away. “It isn’t supposed to be ominous; it’s just the truth. Can a guy not share his love for his best friend?”
“Of course he can. Don’t forget either—I love you, man. I’m here for you.” He put his palm on top of my head, messing my hair up. “I’ll see you in the morning, okay? And I’m just right down the hall if you need me.”
I left my best practiced smile in place until he walked through the bedroom door. The moment the door fully shut, I let that smile drop.
The world felt different now that I knew what was coming. Jude’s words and demands swirled in my mind, the grip he’d had on my wrist burning beneath my sleeves.
I lifted the blankets on my bed, compulsively checking to make sure my bags were still there underneath it. I knew they would be. The only way they could’ve moved was if I was the one who moved them, and I hadn’t. But it made it feel real, despite it already being painfully real.
My dreams were nothing but nightmares, flashes of the entire Miller family’s faces in different arrays of hurt. I could feel their souls screaming to mine, begging me to explain something they couldn’t possibly understand.
“You ready?” Jude loaded the final bag into his car, throwing it without a care in the world. I was glad I hadn’t brought any of my fragile painting supplies.
I looked behind us, seeing Crescent walking toward the car. “Not yet. I just have to let him know, and then we can go to my parents’ house.” Though, I doubted they’d let me stay there. I wondered if Jude’s parents would let me stay at their house if mine weren’t willing.
Jude nodded, his expression never changing, and got into the driver’s side of the car. He slammed the door, making me wince.
Crescent ran the last few steps to me, a confused look on his face. “Hey, what are you doing?”
My fingertips went cold and numb, along with my toes. “Um, Jude is taking me to my parents’ house.”
He shook his head, his eyebrows furrowed. “Your parents house? El, you haven’t gone back there in years. Let me go with you at the very least if you’re really wanting to.”
“No, Cres. I’m moving back in with them.”
I watched the color drain from his face, a ghostly white flowing down to his neck. “W-what do you mean?” He laughed, the sound full of nothing but pain. “You live with me, though. Like, you have for the past few years. I don’t understand.”
Thinking back to everything Jude had said, the love he’d given me, the future he’d laid out for me, I tried to keep my resolve. I didn’t want to break Crescent. I didn’t want to lose him like this, but what choice did I have?
Pick Jude, or pick Crescent.
Pick love, or pick friendship.
Pick a lifelong commitment, or pick a friendship that could fall apart at any moment. Just like Jude had said. Crescent would leave me one day.
I mean, they all had their own lives. Their own things they wanted to do. Who was I in the grand scheme of things?
Nothing.
No one.
Nobody.
I took a deep breath through my nose. “I’m not coming home, Cres. And I can’t be your friend anymore. We’re done.”
“But—”
“Stop, Crescent. Please. I’m done. I’m going to get in the car, go to my parents’ house, and that’s that. Okay?”
Tears welled up in his eyes, painting a gloss over the golden color of them.
I stood there, watching, as he began to nod.
As he started to accept it without fully understanding it.
I knew he couldn’t understand—neither could I, honestly.
I just knew I had to do this. I had to, or there would be hell to pay.
Without another word, I turned around. I turned my back on my best friend and the first family I’d ever truly been a part of.
As I got into the passenger seat, I thought about the blank canvas in my bedroom.
My old bedroom. How I never got to lay my hands on it, and how it’d probably stay blank for the rest of my life.
However long that would be. My soul would stay there, safe and sound, until the end of time.
With the pieces of myself I’d let go of for the hope of something I wasn’t sure existed just yet.
Jude promised me something better. I had to hold on to the hope that he meant that, or I’d surely lose the rest of myself.