Chapter 29
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Elio’s cheek was warm against my chest. I ran my fingers through his hair over and over, trying to lighten the weight deep in my bones.
My earbuds were on my nightstand, probably dead.
I’d gone the whole night without them. It wasn’t easy.
I’d kept waking up from nightmares of all kinds, and once I was conscious, I’d hear remnants of the voices from them.
Whispers, or screams, or booming voices demanding something impossible from me. It was always different, yet always terrifying.
Elio shifted, sighing against my skin. Could he hear my heartbeat as loud as I could hear him? Without my earbuds, everything sounded so crisp and clear. “I went to my old room last night.”
“Did you?” The suncatcher in my window was casting a rainbow over the entire room. I traced the colors with my gaze, following them across the walls.
“Yeah. You guys kept everything the same.”
“We did, yeah. Not one of us ever forgot you.”
He didn’t move for a second, didn’t even breathe. “Yeah. I saw that some of my stuff had been moved around.”
I ran my hand down his back, moving my fingers beneath the hem of his shirt to feel the skin there. “I used to go in there and lie in your bed sometimes. It almost felt like you were with me when I did that. I’d stare at the canvas, wondering what your plans were for it.”
A shadow startled me. It popped up right behind Elio, staring down at us as if it could see within us. I wondered what it saw—what evil, horrible part of my very core it could detect. “I never forgot the look on your face the last time I saw you. I hate how I left. I hate that I left at all.”
I closed my eyes, deciding not seeing anything would be better than seeing the shadow before us.
“There’s nothing left to be sorry for, Sunshine.
If things hadn’t happened the way they did, we might not be where we are now.
At least, that’s how I like to look at it.
But I did wonder, and still do wonder, about that day.
How abrupt it was. You left me signs, and I just ignored them. ”
“Jude wanted me to stop being friends with you and move out. He talked about it sometimes. He said you wanted me as more than a friend, and I always said that wasn’t true. But then he fed me all these ideas. So many ideas. I thought he loved me. I truly thought he loved me.”
I held him closer to me, soaking in the way he felt in my arms. “Do you not think he did?”
He rolled off me, lying on his back. I followed him, opening my eyes to stare at the side of his face. He was watching the ceiling, staring at it like it had the answers to a hundred secrets. “Not like you do.”
My heart took on a different beat, stopping and starting with a whole new rhythm. I knew that if I put my hand on his chest, his would be the same. Two souls, bound together. One heart, beating for each other. A dark moon, yearning for the rays of the sun.
Elio turned his head toward me, his eyes searching my face. “Oh, honey.” His voice was soft. So fucking soft, I didn’t think I’d be able to hear it if I had my earbuds in.
When his thumb swiped beneath my eyes, I wasn’t sure what it was for. Until I felt a tear fall just right, flowing into my ear. I was crying. Without even knowing it, I had been crying.
“I know you love me, Cres. Because I love you, too. In a whole new way than I ever have before. But for you, it feels the same. Like our friendship before had always been more, and I was just blind to it.”
I didn’t try to wipe the tears as they fell. I let them blur my vision, turning Elio into a haze of beauty. My throat felt tight, a hundred thousand words trying to push through at the same time. When I finally spoke, it was shaky, cracking after almost every word. “You love me, too?”
Seeing Elio nod was the final straw. The cold, hard proof I needed to understand that, yes, Mom and Dad had always been right. The universe knew. It always knew.
“Oh, fuck, baby.” I gasped the words, smiling so hard through them that my cheeks were starting to hurt from the strain. He could feel my love?
He could tell how much I loved him? That I always had?
“Oh, fuck, baby.” The same words, with a whole new meaning. My smile turned into a grimace as the tears started to burn. I took a deep breath, holding it in, trying to keep from feeling it. From saying it.
If he could feel how much I loved him, could he feel how strong I’d tried to be for him?
Was it enough?
Was it ever going to be enough?
“Let it out, Cres. I’m right here.” His hand was on me.
Elio was holding me. The moment I exhaled, I realized that Elio was holding me as I broke.
When I looked at his face, I could see the shadow people around him. Three or four were lurking in the corners of the bedroom, taunting me just by existing.
“You’ve done so much for me, honey. Let me do the same for you. Let me help you. Let me love you, too, in the way you deserve.” His voice was so sweet. So full of life, and light, and fucking sunshine.
I leaned forward, crying into his shoulder. “My Sunshine.”
“Something has been bothering you, huh? Something you haven’t told me about.” He petted my hair, holding me close. “I’ve got you. And I’m never letting you go, either.”
With each heaving sob, more of the dark, sticky tendrils that’d taken over most of my body came out. Elio whispered in my ear, heartbreaking, soft whispers of encouragement I could feel deep in my heart. The same heart he shared with me.
He held me until I couldn’t cry anymore, nothing left except odd, pained whimpers coming out of my mouth. Gently, he pulled my face away from his chest, wiping the stray tears from my cheeks. My nose was running, my eyes were damn near swollen shut, and I couldn’t see a thing.
I couldn’t see anything clearly, at least. Elio was there, blurry and bright. The sun had moved just right, hitting the suncatcher, casting a rainbow over his face.
He looked like an angel again. A beautiful, glowing angel. I was sure he had the most beautiful wings, large and strong enough to take us both into the sky, where nothing else seemed to matter. Where the sun could touch our skin, warm our bones, and show us the meaning of it all.
The love I had for Elio could never be measured in simple words or even grand gestures. It was all-consuming. It was obvious and necessary. I’d never not loved him.
He cupped my face in his hands and pressed his lips against my forehead. “We don’t have to talk about it now, but I do want to talk about it eventually. Do you think your family will let us stay in bed for a while longer?”
“Yeah.” I had to clear my throat, my voice raw and shaky. “They won’t bother us until we come out.”
“We’ll stay in here, then. I can cuddle you until we’re ready to go eat and spend time with them. How does that sound?”
“Okay.”
“Okay?”
I nodded, leaning back into his shoulder. My safe place. “Okay.”
Honestly, I didn’t want to leave the bed. The sheets were stuck to my skin, keeping me bound to the mattress with Elio right on top of me. Having him there helped. I had something to focus on other than the shit my head was making up for me.
When I heard a voice, I searched for the sound of his breathing instead. When I saw a hole in the wall or the upper half of a disembodied shadow, I’d close my eyes and think of him. Feel his weight against me. Feel the warmth radiating from him.
Elio mumbled against my chest, wrapping his arm tighter around me. “I was thinking.”
“Hmm?”
“I want to paint on that canvas. In the bedroom where I left it. You think I’d have time?”
I looked up at the window, trying to find the sun. I think it was around mid-afternoon, but I wasn’t sure. “I’m not sure. We don’t have to be up early tomorrow, so maybe if you stayed up.”
“That sounds good. Will you stay with me while I do it?”
“Wouldn’t dream of anything else, baby.”
We lay in silence a bit longer. I tried to will my muscles to move. Everything felt so heavy that I wasn’t sure just how successful I’d be.
One of Elio’s fingers was drawing circles on my chest, right where my heart was. “Will they be mad if we don’t come out much today?”
I shook my head, rubbing my hand up and down his back. “They know this is a lot. They’ll understand. We can come down more often, too.”
“Okay, yeah, you’re right. Do you think you’re ready to say hi to them? We can go to my old room after.”
No, not really. The idea of lying in Elio’s old bed, watching him paint, sounded a lot more fun. “Sure. I just need to find it in me to put some new pants on.”
He was already sitting up. “No need, honey. I got it.”
I wanted to argue. Really, I did. But there wasn’t much left in me to do so. It should’ve been me taking care of him, not the other way around. Right?
When he got back to the bed, I hadn’t moved an inch.
I watched as he pulled the blanket off me and held a hand out.
I gripped it, letting him pull me up a bit.
He’d picked out a pair of sweatpants for me, and some shorts with a short-sleeved shirt for himself.
We got dressed and headed to the door in silence.
“I got you, remember? Just like you’ve got me.” Elio grabbed my hand, holding it as he opened the door with his other one.
We made our way downstairs, finding Mom and Dad in the living room. They turned our way, both in their yoga attire with mats in their hands.
Mom’s smile lines never ceased to make me happy and sad at the same time. She smiled so often, they were permanently marked there. But at the same time, I could tell she was aging. I never wanted my mom to get older. I needed her now, and I’d need her later. I’d always need her.
She hoisted her yoga mat up higher. “Hi, Cressy. Hi, El. Wanna join us for some afternoon yoga? Enlighten yourselves some?”
Dad was nodding in agreement. “Yeah, that’d be fun, wouldn’t it? We have some nice incense burning, and the birds are chirping. Perfect weather for it, too.”
“Not today, thank you.” Elio stepped forward, taking over the conversation. “We were actually planning to spend some time in my old room, if that’s okay. There are a lot of memories to sift through. And maybe even a painting.”
“A painting? Oh, El, honey. That sounds beautiful.” Mom put a hand over her heart, holding it there. “Well, your dad and I will be out front for the time being. I’ll call up when I have some food ready for you later. Just let us know if you guys need anything.”
Dad slipped his flip-flops on, shuffling around the front door. “Don’t let your brother and sister bother the two of you. You let me know if they try to.”
“Will do.”
After scarfing some leftover chicken down, we went back up the stairs to Elio’s room. I hadn’t been in it in over a year. Our laughter clung to the walls, mixing with the incense Mom and Dad would burn every two days in here. They didn’t want the scent to fade just because Elio was gone.
The bed was just as comfy as it was all those years ago, despite its old age. Some things, just like memories, never fully decayed. It was a centerpiece of the life we used to live.
The door of the closet creaked as Elio opened it. I looked around him, noticing the paint supplies on the top shelf. “Are any of those even usable still?”
“Some of them, no. But there are quite a few that are still sealed pretty good. I guess we’ll find out.” He stood on the tips of his toes, pulling all of them down.
He lined them up on his desk, all in order of the rainbow. I watched him set everything up, lying on my side, content to see him in his element.
I watched him use a pencil to make the basic outlines, though I could never tell what they would end up creating. He knew, though. Elio always knew. His talent shone through everything he did. Every pencil stroke, every drop of paint, every content and concentrated smile on his face.
When we were in school, I’d spend all of art class watching him start a painting more than I did watching him paint it. It was fascinating to see the beginning and the end of his ideas.
There was nothing else in the world I’d have rather been doing.
Once he started painting over the canvas, beginning with a dark blue in the top half, the sound of his brush against it started to gently rock me to sleep.
I could hear little whispers beneath the sheets.
Small, tiny things amongst the louder, comforting strokes of the paintbrush.
Before long, I was dreaming. Dreaming of a life that Elio and I hadn’t yet made it to.
We were happy and healed, walking along a pond somewhere different.
He wore a forest-green tuxedo, and I wore a dark brown one.
Together, we made a forest of our own, full of nothing but love and undying commitment.
When I woke up, the moon was shining through the window, and Elio was lying on my bare chest. I looked to the side, staring at the canvas in front of us.
There was just enough light to make it out. A starry sky, with a crescent moon high above. Below it, a field of daisies. Right in the middle of the daisies were Elio and me, with Elio resting his head on my chest and me pointing above us.
And there, shining over us, was the most beautiful rainbow I’d ever seen. Even on the darkest of nights, there would still be light when two souls learned how to combine.