Chapter 8
Chapter Eight
Daisy
I waited in the living room with Laila. She was ready to go to her dad’s and to see her grandparents for the next week. I would be heading to a Christmas Eve dinner at Lily and Eliot’s. With Alder. Without my daughter.
I drew in a heavy breath. I’d miss her so much. One of many holidays I’d experience without her, but she’d be in good hands. She’d have a blast with Jason’s family. And I’d be home. With Alder.
I had managed to avoid him for a week.
That kiss…
I’d gone to bed each night wishing he was on the other side of my small mattress. Wondering if his fingertips were still deliciously calloused and if he could still use the exact same pressure and tempo, the one he’d programmed into me as being perfect. The one no other man could replicate.
Not only that, Alder had been the only one who could get me out of my head enough to enjoy sex, to be lost in it. But then I’d been young. So had he. The stress of those days was nothing compared to what I lived with as an adult with debt and a kid.
I was fantasizing about Alder. I had built up what we’d once had in my mind. Meanwhile, he’d probably had some excellent sexual experiences. Those women I’d seen him with had been gorgeous, sophisticated, and worldly. They had probably taught him stuff.
It’d been so hard to see those posts. Usually, the images had been taken by his dates, posted on their accounts. Some random person who’d known her or Alder would like or share the picture, and inevitably, Alder’s dating life would cross my feed thanks to mutuals.
Had my life ever graced his screen? I didn’t post much. My MO was to take a picture specifically to post and share with friends and family. I’d even have the draft post up with a caption. Sometimes I had written something witty or sweet. Then I’d think how insane it all sounded and delete it all.
Still, I had family and friends who’d sometimes post. So did the boyfriends I’d had over the years. Had Alder gotten jealous?
My big…fat…wallet.
Incorrigible.
The guys I’d been with between then and now had been attracted to my stability. I wasn’t the crazy girlfriend, and sometimes on those early dates, I could tell I was the palate cleanser. They didn’t really want a mellow girlfriend. The first date who had graduated to a boyfriend had been a mistake. I shouldn’t have given him even a month, much less years. Then I wouldn’t be where I was now—remarried to my ex-husband so I could have a roof over my and my kid’s head.
The guy after him had wanted a mom more than a wife. Then there’d been the one who’d had two other girlfriends. Jason had been a sweet relief after them. The sad fact was that I would’ve ended things long before last year but I’d gotten pregnant. He’d been so excited, and I had already gone through feeling like an emotionless witch in a big breakup.
In the end, the relationship hadn’t been sustainable. Not for me.
Alder appeared in the opening from the kitchen. I willed myself not to look at him, but ever since that damn kiss, he’d moved like he was in the middle of a photo shoot. There was no simple stance with him. He’d drape his hands on the top of the doorframe and lean forward as if he were each month’s feature in a calendar. Or he’d have a tool belt on and his flannel would be hanging over the back of a chair. Rugged Men ’R’ Us. Other times were like now—his shoulder propped against the wall and his lean body on full display thanks to a tight T-shirt. Perfect for Mr. December.
“The carpet guy is good to go on the twenty-sixth,” he said.
Laila aimed her pout at me. “I don’t want new carpet.”
“I know,” I said, “but it’ll be new clean carpet, and trust me, that’s a treat.” I couldn’t wait. I didn’t want to go into details and inspire a tiny germaphobe, but the bedroom carpets were gross. A million shampooings wouldn’t change the grunge, and I died a little inside whenever I found Laila sprawled on the floor with her toys.
She glanced away, her little stubborn expression firmly in place. She hadn’t warmed her cold shoulder toward Alder. Good thing she didn’t know we’d kissed.
I caught the glint of Jason’s truck out the window. He’d be turning down the driveway soon. I dug her gloves out of her winter coat and held one up. She stuffed her hand in.
“I think you should thank Alder for changing the carpet when it won’t disrupt your use of the room.”
She wrinkled her nose. The engine outside grew closer and a door shut. Footsteps crunched in the snow up to the door.
“Daddy’s here,” she said.
I kept my gaze on her. “Thank you, Alder, for being considerate about the carpet in my room.”
She wiggled her hips and stomped her feet. “Thank you, Alder.” Her tone was not full of gratitude.
“You’re welcome,” he said, going to the door. He met my gaze, asking permission to be the one to answer.
Tension knotted my stomach, but I nodded. The year was just beginning, and I’d rather not feel like I was hiding my husband. To stay transparent, I’d shared with Jason that Alder wasn’t Laila’s favorite person and that Alder was giving her room and time to adjust.
Laila sprinted across the room, and I juggled her suitcase and backpack.
Surprise lit Jason’s face when he saw Alder. He nodded a greeting and bent to catch Laila. “There’s my girl. Ready for the trip?”
“Yes! Can I go to the car?”
Jason glanced at us. He must have sensed Laila’s disgruntlement. “Sure,” he said, straightening. “Head on out.”
She rushed around him. I handed her suitcase and backpack over.
Alder stuck his hand out. “Nice to see you again. At least we met once so you know me in more of a capacity than as the guy your daughter dislikes.”
Jason chuckled, surprise in his gaze, like he didn’t expect Alder to be charming in private as well as in public. It’d be easier on all of us if he weren’t.
Jason shook Alder’s hand. “Heard she’s giving you a run for your money.”
Alder rolled a heavy shoulder. “Can’t blame her. Lots of changes, and I’m a good target.” He let go of the door and stepped back. “Well, I’ll let you two be.”
My appreciation for him grew. Not only was he trying to do what was best to make this easier on Laila, but he was respectful of Jason and how all this made my ex feel.
Jason gave me a tight smile. “How’s everything been going?”
Other than the smoldering kiss and that I wanted to scale Alder like my very own telephone pole so I could harvest all his power for myself? “Fine. Weird,” I added quietly. “But we’re making it work.”
“No more crayon?”
“No, but it was an admirable fit she threw while cleaning it off. Thankfully, blasting Disney movie music helped.”
“I’ll keep that in mind in case there’s any decorating at my parents’.” He gave a resolute nod. “Well. Merry Christmas.”
“Merry Christmas.”
I closed the door and swallowed the swell of emotions. Regrets that I couldn’t have loved Jason more. Sadness. My first Christmas without Laila. She’d be bouncing between homes until she had a family of her own. Anticipation. I had told her we’d open gifts when she got home. Rushing through a Christmas celebration after work, between dinner and bath time, hadn’t felt right.
I turned and found Alder in the same opening he’d been lingering in when Jason had arrived.
Empathy softened his gaze. “I can’t imagine it’s ever easy to do the exchange.”
“No. Now I’m going to hang out with a happy family and watch them with their kids.” I bit my lower lip. Damn. I shouldn’t have said that. Some people leaned into others when they were hurting. Not me. I saw everything they had that I didn’t, and I got angry. Resentful.
Jason had asked me once if it was possible to rewire my emotions.
I’d learned a lot about how I should feel, what I should express, but none of it changed how I actually felt. Parts of my brain were just hardwired differently.
Alder stuffed his hands in his pockets. “I can tell them you got sick. We’re going to stay home and have chicken soup.”
I cocked a brow. “You’re going to tell Lily I have diarrhea and have to keep from infecting everyone?”
He laughed. “Isn’t chicken soup for colds?”
“I don’t know. I don’t like chicken soup.”
“You don’t like the mushy stuff in the can and you hate making the good stuff yourself because it makes too much and the noodles are mushy the next day.”
Texture was everything when it came to noodles. “Al dente or gag.”
More laughter, deep and pleasing. “I’ll make up any excuse you need. You don’t have to go.”
I pushed a lock of hair behind my ear. The offer was tempting. Alder wouldn’t throw me under the bus either. “No, I can be a big girl and suck it up. Laila’s going to get stupidly spoiled, and I won’t have to get yanked into a ton of hugs.” Jason’s family was so touchy .
“No hugs. Promise.” He wobbled his head from side to side. “Wait—I can’t promise the kids won’t hug you.”
“Kids are less awkward.”
He flashed a smile that could incinerate my clothes right off. Not because of his sexy smolder, but thanks to the easy humor and acceptance. “Leave in an hour?”
“Sure.”
He pushed off the wall, his hands still tucked away. I clocked every moment like he was my special Christmas gift.
“What’s your safe word?” he asked. “Snickerdoodle?”
I zoomed through space and time to when we were at a pasture party during one cool fall night. I hated breaking rules, but Alder had been invited. He’d been invited to everything, and he’d talked me into going, but he could tell I was growing quieter the closer we got. All I could imagine was police lights and sirens and trying to explain to my parents why I was drinking in some field with people who barely remembered me even though we’d gone to school together for a few years.
We can leave anytime you want, he’d said.
If I tell you I want to leave, they’re gonna hate me even more.
No one hates you, Daze.
Because they forget about me.
He’d tugged me into him. Snickerdoodle. Tell me you’re craving some of my mom’s snickerdoodles and we’ll go.
I don’t like snickerdoodles.
Exactly.
I gave my head a little shake, scattering the memory like droplets of fog. “Lily might actually have baked your mom’s snickerdoodles and then what? I have to eat disappointment.”
“They’re damn good cookies,” he said, laughing.
“I’m sure they are once you get past the cinnamon clogging the flavor of everything.”
“You like cinnamon.”
We’d bickered exactly like this plenty of times, but I went along with it like putting on a favorite cozy sweater. “In pumpkin pie and chai.”
“Chai made with the powder and not real tea.”
I shuddered. “If I wanted leaves in my cinnamon hot chocolate, I’d drop it on the ground.”
“Then you’ll need to lean in real close and tell me you’re craving my…” His grin was wide as he backed out of the room. “…chicken soup.”
“I can’t believe how good Jasper has gotten at carving,” I murmured.
Lily sat next to me with a mug of cocoa topped with whipped cream. She was expecting her third, but it was still early. Only her loose red sweater gave her away. Violet and Evander would be here soon.
“His figures are amazing,” she agreed. “He sticks with horses, and Mom said once that she had an idea for a book about a serial killer who leaves little horse figurines.”
I coughed out a laugh, grateful I didn’t have any cocoa, or I would’ve sprayed it over her couch. “She writes kids’ books.”
Lily smirked. “She’s coming up with pen names for thrillers. M. D. Duke was her latest idea. No one will tie it to Magnolia, the children’s book author.”
“I’ll make sure to buy a copy. I love thrillers, and a serial killer one sounds right up my alley.”
We watched the kids play, and I didn’t let my thoughts wander to Laila. She and Jason would still be on the road. As worried as I’d been about how uncomfortable this visit would be, it was nice to have some distraction. Lily was a lot like me as a mom. Supportive but not as doting.
“When Laila was first born…” I hadn’t thought of actually speaking about my past without Alder, but his family had always been different. They’d been accepting. Welcoming. I could be myself around them. “I thought I had to be with her all the time. My brother and I were like free-range chickens growing up. No oversight.” Part of me knew it was the times. The other part remembered the loneliness. How Mom could be in the room with us but so in her head that it was like we were by ourselves. “It wasn’t until I recalled how Magnolia was with all of you that I backed off. A little.”
“It’s like anything else, I suppose,” Lily mused. “Moderation. Not too much attention or they don’t learn some valuable skills. Too little attention and then it’s neglect.”
Neglect. I rubbed my hands together. My parents had done their okayest, but they had each shown different sorts of neglect. Dad had been at the bar most nights of the week—not an alcoholic but a socialholic. Mom had been under the same roof, but Lee and I had been running wild outside by ourselves.
“How’s it going?” Lily tipped her head toward the kitchen where Alder and Eliot were chatting about Eliot’s small Arabian breeding program that he’d moved from Montana to the backyard. “You totally don’t have to talk to me about it.”
“You mean about my very real marriage with Alder?” I asked, smiling so she knew I was okay with the topic.
She winked. “The totally believable whirlwind wedding.”
I winced. “Is our acting that bad?”
Her expression grew somber. “No, actually. I don’t think you have to act. Alder regaled us with what happened and what he was going to do, and he didn’t dive further into the story. Kind of like when you two split up. I think that’s what sold it to Mom and Dad. He called and said he reconnected with you and it just felt right. You were marrying and that was that.” She rubbed the side of her face as she thought. “Seeing you both walk through the door again, it was like the divorce didn’t happen.” She clicked her tongue like she was chiding herself. “Sorry.”
“No, it’s fine.” Surprising, more like. “What do you mean?”
“It’s like old times, but it’s not.” She blew out a long, slow breath. “You two were never touchy-feely so it’s not like you have to suck face for us to believe it.” She lowered her voice to keep her daughter from overhearing. “You’re still comfortable around each other. You still know each other.”
The way she said it sounded like I was very familiar with what he looked like with his clothes off in the last fifteen years. “He always understood me.”
“Not always,” she said softly.
Yes. The years we’d been married. “He did then too. He just didn’t care. I can’t blame him for wanting his freedom.” It was one reason why I finally let him go. He had chafed at the almost daily reprimands and requests for him to change back to the boy who used to spoil me. I had been unhappy, and it’d made him unhappy.
“Well, he got his freedom.” She shook her head. “We worried so much about him during those first few years.” She glanced at the kitchen, then at her kids. A train set that circled the Christmas tree and the pile of presents underneath had them engrossed. “He took a nosedive. He’d work hard, then party hard—even harder than when you were married. I was still at home, so I caught a lot of worried conversations between Mom and Dad. People from here who knew them would pass on his antics. There was one with a tractor and a stock pond—anyway. He was wild in a destructive sort of way.”
“Even worse? He’s nothing like that now.”
“A total one-eighty. He showed up one day, clean-shaven, with freshly laundered clothing that didn’t have holes in it, and he was already enrolled in school. He took something like twenty-plus credits each semester and summer school to graduate early.” When my brows lifted, she nodded. “And he finished his MBA in record time. After that, he got a basement-level office job at King Oil and worked his way up. It was like he was driven to prove it wasn’t nepotism, or that if it was, he was still the best candidate.”
“Now he’s a CEO.” Bile crawled up my throat. I had seen a few of those party posts cross my social media feeds, then he’d disappeared. When he reappeared in a random post, it had been with beautiful Sophia.
“The change was drastic.” She leaned away, peering around me like she was making sure the guys were still tucked into the kitchen. “But we still worried about him. He’s all work.”
He was using his time off before he started his new position, but he wasn’t idle. The amount of repairs and renovating he’d done on the house in such a short time was impressive. “He seems to want to keep busy.”
“He’s driven to keep busy.” Her tone made the distinction more than her words. “I hope this job gives him the validation he’s seeking. I hope he learns to relax before his blood pressure bursts through his temples.”
“He’s not that uptight.”
Her smile was soft. “Maybe not when he’s with you.”
Oh. No. That wasn’t it. They weren’t living with him. They didn’t see the handyman side of Alder. Although he didn’t sit very often, and he paced when there wasn’t an immediate project. Anytime he was on his phone, it looked like he was answering emails and fielding work messages. Except for when he’d sat on the couch and listened to me unload all my previous employment trauma on him.
The doorbell saved me from having to respond.
Violet and Evander entered, and the next several minutes were a whirlwind of greetings and hugs between Violet and Lily’s kids. I watched the warm commotion from the couch. Alder hung back, a wistful expression on his face. He caught my eye and adopted a smile that was almost regretful.
He crossed the living room to perch on the end of the couch next to me. “How ya doing?”
“Good.” Surprised, I checked myself. I was enjoying myself. I might be discussing Alder’s and my situation with Lily, but the young girl had grown into a woman I wanted to be friends with.
“Oh, good,” Violet said to me as Evander helped her out of her coat. “I’m so glad you could make it.”
“Me too.” We’d talked at work, but I hadn’t been sure about visiting my mom. Mom had reassured me that she didn’t mind a quiet holiday and not to worry about me or her traveling. I refused to think that she was giving me one less escape route so I spent the holiday with Alder.
“Aunt Linda can’t make it,” Violet said and smoothed her Christmas maternity shirt over her belly. “She’s not feeling well, and I think she believes…” She glanced at the kids. “You know? She doesn’t feel the need to verify.”
I would feel guilty for fooling Alder’s aunt, but this sham marriage was solving a problem for her too. No renters to deal with and the house was getting much needed work. Thanks to Alder.
He stayed sitting next to me. Violet laughed and held her hands out to her nephew. She propped Kellan on her hip and Evander was behind her, a proprietary hand on her hip. It was easy to imagine this was me and Alder. Laila would be in the mix, playing with Cali, and maybe there’d even be another kid?—
What the hell was I thinking?
I was not picturing this as my future.
Chicken soup.
Chicken soup.
But as I watched the family that I was once a part of greet each other, the words didn’t leave my mouth.