Chapter Eight
Brock
I’ve been lying in my bed for hours, unable to sleep. I have no idea what time it is, but I’m not surprised that I’m still awake. It’s not the first time this has happened. Or the second or the third. I used to have nightmares, but those have mostly died down, unless the images and memories are so strong I can’t contain them.
Since the moment I went to bed, I forced myself not to remember that day, and the ones that followed. I don’t want to think about the past all the time. I did come here to try to put all that behind me. But the more I push, the more it pushes back and there’s just so much I can handle before it completely takes over.
Everything that happened between Lexi and me is my fault. I was the one who pushed her away. I was the one who befriended Andy and pretty much ignored her. But what she doesn’t know is that it was also not my fault. Because the only reason I pushed her aside for Andy was because—and I didn’t understand it back then—I was falling in love with her.
I mean, I always liked Lexi since I was a little kid. I was obsessed with her, wanted to spend as much time with her as I could. But suddenly in sixth grade, things changed. My feelings for her were so intense and confusing. I didn’t know how to handle them. When she hugged me, I got these weird feelings. She used to hug me all the time and I never felt like that. Then all of a sudden, my body was warm and tingly and all I could think about was what it would feel like to kiss her, like those guys in the movies did.
And I found myself thinking about her more than I did in the past. Sure, in the past, if I saw something cool on TV, I’d run to tell her, but I suddenly wanted to pour out everything in my heart to her.
I’d stumble over my words whenever it was just the two of us. Lexi would narrow her eyes as she tried to understand what I was saying. And my cheeks were always hot whenever she was near me.
I had no idea what was going on with me, but I realized that the other guys weren’t weird around her like I was. And she acted completely normal around me. Which made me wonder if something was wrong with me. I didn’t tell anyone about my feelings—it was too embarrassing. I told myself maybe it would go away. But the more time we spent together, the more intense those feelings grew. And when she’d kiss me on the cheek like she did many times, that nearly sent me over the edge. I wanted to pull her close to me, kiss her, tell her I liked when it was just the two of us. That I wanted to spend every single second with her. But of course I didn’t do that, and she still looked at me like I was being weird.
I knew right then that I could never tell her how I felt. So I kept it inside and did whatever I could to act as normal as I could. But things just got worse the more we hung out. And when she’d smile at me? My stomach would swoop and my heart would pound all over my body. I thought she was the sweetest, prettiest, most amazing person on the planet. I’d lie in bed and think about her all the time. She kept me up at night.
But I knew I couldn’t continue being weird around her. She always teased me for stumbling over my words, and claiming my head was in the clouds because I was always thinking about my books. She had no clue she was the cause.
Then I befriended Andy and we hung out playing basketball and other sports and I realized I felt like my old self again. I still thought about Lexi, but I was distracted by playing with Andy. The more time we spent together, the less I thought about Lexi. And my feelings were pushed aside. So I guess looking back now, I kind of used him as a way to forget about my confusing feelings about Lexi. It was such a terrible thing to do, but I didn’t know I was doing it at the time. I liked hanging out with Andy. Of course he didn’t replace my friends—I still loved all of them—but I couldn’t handle my feelings for Lexi. I didn’t realize back then that I was hurting her. And the others as well. I was just focused on trying to forget my confusing feelings.
Lexi would ask me to come over to watch a documentary on sea life and I always declined, telling her I was hanging out with Andy. She was hurt, but I figured she had the other guys. And anyway, I didn’t want the strange feelings to take over, like they did every time we were together. It was a very jerkish thing to do, but I seriously didn’t know how to deal with my feelings. I thought pushing her away was the best thing for me to do. And I told myself that one day, my feelings would go away and we’d go back to how we were.
But that never happened.
Squeezing my eyes shut, I mutter under my breath for the memories not to invade my mind and heart, but like the previous times, I’m powerless to stop them.
It’s a normal summer day and I’ve made plans to hang out with Andy. But Lexi comes over, says some very mean things about him—about wishing he’d go away and never come back. I feel bad that she’s upset, but she had no right to say that.
I go back into my house after she stomps away and wait for Andy to come. He bikes over like he usually does, and after I get on my bike, we ride to the park together to shoot hoops. He still hasn’t beaten me, and I bet he never will. But he’s determined to one day. He told me a while ago that he wants to play basketball professionally when he’s older. And he’ll play for our middle school team this upcoming year. I don’t want to play professionally or for our school, even though I bet I could make the team. But it’s so cool that he wants an athletic career.
We play for about an hour, then look for bugs but don’t find anything cool, and then ride back to my house to eat the snacks Mom prepared for us. And we decide to watch a movie in my room.
“Want to do something fun?” he asks with a sly grin.
“What?”
He picks up the remote and turns on the TV. “Let’s watch whatever movie pops up first. Even if it’s lame like a romance.”
“Okay.”
The first movie to pop up is a romance.
“Ugh!” Andy groans, rolling his hazel eyes. “So lame.”
I shrug. “Romances aren’t that bad.”
He gags. “Only girls like romance.”
I playfully shove his arm. “Not true. My dad is very romantic. I want to be like that when I’m older.”
His brown brows furrow. “Ew.”
I shove him again. “Press play and let’s watch.”
He gags again, but does as I say and we get comfortable on my bed as the opening scenes unfold. Andy looks bored out of his mind, but I actually like the movie. Lexi would love it.
The second I think about her, my body gets all warm and weird again.
Andy turns to me as I fidget in my seat. “You good?”
“Yeah, really good.”
I don’t really concentrate on the movie because I’m thinking about Lexi. Darn it. This isn’t supposed to happen when I’m hanging out with Andy.
Grabbing the remote, I change to sports and both Andy and I are relieved we don’t have to watch that romance.
He stays for a bit longer before it’s time for him to go home. Mom and Dad wish him goodbye, then I walk him to the door. We talk about sports and school and what the new year will be like.
He gets on his bike and waves at me. Then he turns onto the street to head toward his house a few blocks away.
I remember I forgot to tell him about something funny that happened to me earlier and call, “Andy, wait!”
He turns around.
A car that was zooming down the street slams into him. I watch in horror as he’s flung high in the air, looking like a broken doll. He crashes down on the ground with such a force that he’s instantly killed on impact.
My eyes pop open as tears slide down the sides of my face. I can’t remember what I wanted to tell him. But I called his name just as he was crossing the street, to safety. Because I distracted him, he didn’t see the car speeding down the street.
My world came crashing down in that moment. Time seemed to stand still. I remember yelling as loud as I could, dropping to the ground, and not being able to take my eyes off his mangled body.
The images and memory will stay with me forever.
Mom and Dad must have heard my shouts because they ran out of the house and saw what happened. Many people were gathered around Andy, including the driver, and they frantically called an ambulance. But it was no use. Andy was already dead.
All because of me. I called to him when he was in the middle of the street. Instead of letting him cross safely, I distracted him and he got hit by a car.
My parents held me in their arms, trying to comfort me. But they didn’t understand. No one understood what I had done. They took me inside, laid me in my bed, and stayed with me while I cried and cried and cried. I couldn’t forget what I saw or what I heard. Every time I shut my eyes, I could hear the sound of his body smashing onto the street.
Through my cries, I told my parents what I did, how he got hit by the car because of me, but they reassured me that it wasn’t my fault. It was just an accident. I refused to believe them because I knew it wasn’t true. I was so stupid—he was crossing the street. Why did I call after him?
I stayed in bed for days, refusing to talk or see anyone, not even Zoey who was so worried about me. I just didn’t want to exist anymore.
Lexi came over to comfort me a few days after the funeral, but I blamed her for Andy’s death. I yelled that she killed him. Because of her curse, the Universe or whatever made me do something stupid by calling after him and causing him to die. I was so hurt and such a mess that I blamed her. When I got older, I knew that it wasn’t true. Of course it wasn’t her fault. It was mine. I was the one who called after him and I still blame myself for it.
I stayed in bed for a few more days, wanting to disappear from the world. Zoey and my parents tried to talk to me, but nothing they did could help. Mom and Dad even tried to get professionals to talk to me, but nothing could comfort me. They decided it was best for me to go away for a bit, since the memories were so intense I couldn’t remain in Edenbury. Mom’s parents reassured them that they could help me, and I agreed to move because I didn’t want to stay in town a second longer.
A few days before I left, I forced myself to get out of bed and went to sit on the swings in the backyard of my house. This place always calmed me down when I was feeling rotten.
I didn’t swing. I just sat there, telling myself that going to Boston to live with my grandparents was a good thing. As much as I wanted to disappear from the world a few days before, I also didn’t. And I knew getting away was the only way to save me.
As I sat, a voice yelled my name.
“Brock?” Lexi calls in the distance. A few seconds later, she’s standing before me, biting her lower lip and a worried look on her face.
I force myself to ignore her, remembering the terrible things she said about Andy.
She lowers herself on the second swing, wringing her hands in her lap. “Brock, I know you hate me, but I just wanted to tell you—”
“I’m moving.”
“What?”
I keep my gaze on the grassy ground. “I’m moving. I’m going to live with my grandparents in Boston.”
“What? But…why?”
I shrug. “My mom and dad think it’s best I go away. I’m going to school there.”
“But for how long?”
“I don’t know.”
Before she has a chance to say anything else, I get up and go to my house, not looking at her once.
A few days later, I’m all packed and ready to go to the airport. My parents will fly with me to Boston, help me get settled in, and then they’ll fly back to Edenbury.
Zoey holds me close in her arms. “You’ll be okay,” she whispers. Drawing back, she looks into my eyes. “Focus on yourself and take care of yourself, okay? Promise me you will.”
I shrug.
She shakes me. “Promise, Brock.”
“Okay.”
Sighing deeply, she pulls me into her arms again. “I love you.”
I hold onto her as tears enter my eyes. I’m so lucky to have a sister like her. “I love you, too,” I whisper.
She tightens her hold on me, like she doesn’t want me to go, but she knows this is best for me.
Neighbors and our friends and family, including Uncle Zack, Aunt Ally, Uncle Brayden, Aunt Kara, and my cousins, say goodbye to me as well. Each one tells me they’ll always be with me and think of me.
Just as I pull out of Dani Knight’s arms, I notice someone standing on the side.
Lexi.
Her anguished eyes are on me. She looks like she’s not sure if I want her around, but of course I do. Even though I blame her for what happened to Andy, I wouldn’t leave without saying goodbye to her.
I step closer to her and she inches to me and we just stare at each other. Then she runs into my arms, hugging me tightly.
I hug her back, shutting my eyes. She doesn’t say a word and neither do I. We hug for what feels like a very long time.
Dropping my arms, I step away from her. She backs up as well. But then her arms are around me again and she whispers, “I’ll miss you.”
My throat is too tight to say anything, but I wish I could say the same. Even though I’m so hurt and upset, I want to tell her I’ll miss her, too. But I can’t get the words out.
Dad moves to me. “It’s time to go, Brock.” He pats Lexi’s arm, giving her a reassuring nod before leading me to the car. Before I get in, I turn around to look at her.
Tears flash in her eyes, running down her cheeks. She waves sadly.
I swallow the lump in my throat and get in the car. Mom makes sure I have everything I need before she pulls into the street and we make our way to the airport.
To a new beginning. To leaving all the pain and memories behind.
I turn onto my side. As soon as we drove out of Edenbury, I left that part of my life behind. Including Lexi.
For the first few months living in Boston, I was upset, hurt, and getting used to my new life, so it was easy to push her to the back of my mind. But when she called or texted, everything that happened that summer crashed over me like a wave. Nearly drowning me. I wanted to erase the past from my life, which meant erasing her as well because she reminded me of when life was good. How could I let myself be happy when Andy was dead?
I blamed her, but deep down I knew it was my fault. How was it fair that I was alive and he was dead?
And I was a coward. Instead of facing Lexi like I should have, instead of apologizing for being a jerk to her, it was easier to push her further and further away.
As the months and years passed, and with the help of therapists, I got better. I made new friends and was relatively happy. I hardly thought about the past. But the minute anyone brought up Lexi or Edenbury, I was taken back to that terrible day and I completely shut down. Zoey was mad at me for ignoring Lexi, but she didn’t understand. It killed me that I hurt her, but every time I thought about her, I remembered not just Andy’s death but my blaming her. I didn’t know how to handle it. Like I said, I was a coward.
But I should have at least answered the letter she sent me two years ago, where she asked if we could be friends again. It just hurt too much to remember the past and all the pain I went through. I didn’t want to open the wounds again.
The more I pushed her away, the harder it was to reconnect, and then I realized it was too late. We were different people. Strangers. And I was convinced we’d never be able to fix what was broken between us.
But mostly? I told myself I didn’t deserve her friendship after being so horrible to her.
But at the end of last year, I decided it was time I stop running from the past. As much as I love my grandparents, Edenbury is my home. I missed my parents, my family, my old life. I missed my friends. I missed Lexi. Even though I knew we were so distanced, I wanted to see her again. But the main reason for my return was that I needed to accept the past and move on. If not, I’d never be able to live. Andy would want me to live a good life.
I don’t know what will happen now. If Lexi and I will ever be okay, but the important thing is that I’m here and I’m trying. And that I apologized for being such a jerk.
Her sad face floats before my eyes. She felt so guilty after bringing up Andy today. I shouldn’t have shut down and left her. I’m trying not to run away. I guess there’s still so much I need to work on.
Hopefully one day, I’ll be able to talk about Andy without feeling like my lungs are made of wood.
Hopefully one day, Lexi and I will be friends again. But if she doesn’t want that, I’ll have to accept it. I just want her to be happy.