Chapter Twenty-Six
Brock
My guts are all twisted as I climb the stairs to Lexi’s house on Saturday and raise my finger to ring the bell. But I hesitate, swallowing the huge lump in my throat.
I’ve gone back and forth about this. I don’t want to do it. But I have to.
This isn’t about me—it’s about her. I need to do what’s best for her.
So after taking a deep breath, I shut my eyes for a second and ring the bell. My heart thumps in my chest as I wait for someone to answer. Feels like it’s taking forever.
The door finally opens, revealing Mrs. West. Her face morphs into a bright smile, one so similar to Lexi’s. “Brock! Good afternoon. How are you?”
“Fine.” I force a smile. “How are you?”
“I’m great.” She widens the door to invite me in. “Lexi is in her room. Would you like a drink?”
“No, thanks.” I doubt I’d be able to get anything down my throat.
She pats my back. “All right. Go on up.”
I thank her and climb the stairs to Lexi’s room. Her door is open and I can hear music playing. Peeking my head in, I find her at her desk, biting her lip as she does her homework. Hmm. Homework on a Saturday? Studying her, she seems a bit bothered. Probably because of me. But what can I do? I’m trying to help her, to do what’s best for her.
Clearing my throat, I knock on the open door. Lexi’s head shoots in my direction and her eyebrows rise.
Slowly, she gets to her feet. She doesn’t say a word, just stares at me. And I stare right back at her because I have no idea what to say.
She tucks some curls behind her ear, but they pop right back out. I wish I could twirl my finger around them like I did the other day. “Um, hi,” she says.
I shove my hands into my pockets, mustering the best smile I can. “Hey. Doing homework on a Saturday?”
Laughing lightly, she shrugs. “Yeah, that’s so unlike me.”
I nod. Is she using homework as a distraction because I’ve been keeping my distance from her?
“So…what’s up?” she asks.
I shrug. “Thought maybe we could watch that ocean life docu.”
Her eyes widen. “You want to watch the docu with me?”
“Promised, didn’t I?”
She smiles in excitement, and that just kills me. I came here for another purpose, but I don’t want to go back on my promise. Besides, this is a sort of goodbye. Not to our friendship, but to the possibility of something more.
“Cool, okay,” she says. “Sit and let’s watch. My homework can wait.”
I chuckle lightly. “Okay.”
She sits down on her bed and I lower myself next to her, not too close because that would really kill me. Lexi’s eyes drop to the space between us, but she turns toward the TV screen, pretending it doesn’t bother her. Maybe I shouldn’t have come.
No. I need to do this.
“Okay, ready?” she asks.
“Yeah. By the way, I read the comic.”
Her eyes light up. “Really? What did you think?”
I try not to squeeze my eyes shut at how excited she is. “It was good.”
“Just good?”
“It was interesting. But I’m not going to become a comic book reader.”
She groans. “So I didn’t convert you.”
“Nope.”
She starts the documentary, scooting closer to me. I wish I could take her hand, but I squeeze my fist to my side.
We’re quiet as we watch. Normally, Lexi would gush about the whales, sharks, sea turtles, or seals, but she doesn’t say much. She looks like she’s not really paying attention.
I clear my throat. “Cool, huh?”
“Hmm?”
I nod at the TV. “Cool, right?”
She looks at me, her eyes a bit empty. “Yeah.” She focuses back on the show.
We continue watching, but I don’t think either of us is enjoying it or even know what’s happening.
I pause it, causing Lexi to turn to me with furrowed brows. “What’s wrong?” she asks.
“Lexi.” I reach for her hand and sandwich it between mine. The wound on my left hand that’s healing pretty nicely tingles at her soft skin. “I…”
“Yeah?”
I swallow. “I have to be honest. I didn’t just come here to watch the documentary. I need to…” I release a heavy breath. “I need to talk to you about something.”
“Okay.”
“But it’s hard. I don’t want to hurt you.”
Her eyes search mine and I can see confusion in them. “Hurt me?”
Bending forward, I press my forehead to hers. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Lexi.”
She pulls back and stares into my face. “You already apologized, Brock, and I’ve forgiven you. We’re good.”
She doesn’t get it. I’m not apologizing for what happened four years ago. I’m apologizing for what I’ve been doing since I came back. I’ve been playing with her emotions when I’m not ready for a girlfriend. I’ve been a selfish jerk.
But I can’t tell her this because I’d be admitting that I have feelings for her, which would make it harder for her to forget about me. But she needs to—she needs to move on and think about herself.
She squeezes my hand. “Let’s not talk about the past. We’re friends now. Best friends.”
I force a smile, though my lips tremble. “Yeah.” I avert my gaze. “How do you feel about Finn?”
“Huh? Finn? Why are you asking me about him?”
I turn to face her. “I see the way he looks at you. I’m pretty sure he likes you.”
She doesn’t say anything as she stares at the TV screen with the paused show. Then, “Oh, um…you think so?”
“I really do. He smiles this goofy smile every time you walk into the room. And he’s always sitting close to you. Haven’t you noticed?”
“Uh…” She plays with her hair. “Maybe.”
I force a grin. “He’s a great guy, Lexi. He cares about you a lot. I think he’d be the perfect boyfriend, if that’s something you want. He’ll treat you like more than a queen. He’ll give you the world.”
She just stares at me. “But don’t you…? I mean, I’ve always just seen him as a friend.”
My insides are zapped with energy. She doesn’t like Finn that way? It’s music to my ears, but I have to shut that off. Finn would be a good boyfriend to her. He’d care for her in a way I never could. I have too much baggage, too much pain and trauma. Finn isn’t like that.
“Sometimes friends make the best boyfriends,” I tell her with another forced smile. “Maybe you see him as a friend now, but once you guys get close, you might realize you have feelings for him, too.”
She’s quiet as she thinks it over.
The room is bathed in silence.
“He actually told me he liked me the day you came back to Edenbury,” she admits after a few minutes of silence.
He did? That gets me straight in the heart.
“That’s awesome,” I say lamely.
She nods.
“So…what are you going to do?”
She throws her hands up. “I don’t know. What do you think I should do?” She has an odd look on her face, like she’s waiting for me to say something. Does she expect me to admit I like her? I wish I could, so badly.
I shrug. “It’s not up to me. If you want to give him a shot, I think he’ll be good to you. I doubt you’ll find anyone who cares about your happiness more than him.”
She’s quiet again.
“It’s your decision. Only you know what or who is best for you.” I get to my feet. “I’d better go.”
“You’re leaving? We didn’t finish the show.”
“I have homework and stuff.”
“Okay…bye.”
The sad and confused tone in her voice shatters me inside, and all I want to do is turn around, gather her in my arms, and tell her I don’t want her to be with Finn. I want her to choose me. But once again, that’s selfish. What will it take for my heart to understand that I can’t be with her?
So forcing my emotions down, I leave her room. Her mom is in the kitchen, baking a cake.
“Hey, honey,” she says as she adds flour to a bowl. “Everything okay with you guys?”
It’s odd for me to stay for so short, so of course she’s curious why I’m leaving so early.
“Yeah, everything is great. That cake looks cool.”
She laughs as she glances at the bowl. “Let’s hope it turns out okay.” She studies me. “You sure everything is all right?”
I smile. “Yeah. I have a lot of homework. Have a good day, Mrs. West.”
“You, too, Brock.”
I wave and leave the house. I get on my bike, but stop before I put on my helmet because I feel someone watching me. Glancing up, I find Lexi at the window of her room. She looks at me and I look at her.
Forcing another smile, I wave.
She waves back, an expression on her face that I can’t read.
I put on my helmet, lift the visor to look at her again, then rev the engine. I wave one more time before zooming off.
I’m not in the mood to go home yet, so I drive around Edenbury to try to clear my head. I did the right thing. I know that. So why is this so hard?
How will I get over her?
No, I need to stop making this about myself. I was the one who left her. I was the one who ignored her. I have no right to cry and whine that we can’t be together.
If I was able to go back in time, I would tell my thirteen or fourteen-year-old self not to treat Lexi that way. We could have had a great friendship while I was in Boston. Even though I blamed her for Andy’s death, we could have worked through that. Maybe she would have helped me get over my guilt for his death. Maybe I would have returned home earlier. Maybe she and I could have…
I shake my head. What’s the point of thinking about the past when I can’t change it? This is how things are now. I messed up and I need to live with the consequences.
I don’t know what Lexi will choose in the end. If she’ll try with Finn or reject his feelings. But whatever happens, I’ll support her one hundred percent. Even if it hurts. I just want her to be happy.
I ride for forty-five minutes before deciding I’ve had enough. Mom’s talking to her friend Manny Delgado on video chat and Dad’s working on his book.
“Brock.” Mom waves me over. “Manny wants to say hi.”
He was her best friend in high school and they’ve kept in touch over the years.
“Hey, Brock,” Manny says. “How are you doing?”
“Okay, I guess.”
“What kind of answer is that?” He’s trying to brighten my mood, but it isn’t exactly working. He’s a pretty upbeat person.
I push some bangs out of my eyes. “Sorry. I’m great.”
He laughs. “We’ll work on it.”
“My friend Theo has been asking me if he can beta test the new video game you’re working on. Says there are no more spots left. He’s very upset. And believe me, an upset Theo is a tragedy.”
He smiles. “There’s that Brock humor. Have him email me and I’ll see what I can do.”
“Cool. I’ll text him later.”
He tells me news about the other video games he’s working on and how his two sons and wife are doing. As he speaks, I feel Mom watching me.
“What?” I ask her.
She throws her arm around me. “Look at my youngest, Manny,” she complains. “He’s growing up so quickly.”
“Mom.” I pull away. “Not cool, come on.”
Manny chuckles. “Bailey, you’re embarrassing him.”
“I don’t care.” She squeezes me close. “My little Brocky.”
“You promised to quit with that,” my muffled voice says.
“Give your mom a break, kid,” Manny says with another laugh. “She loves you to pieces. You’ll understand if you have kids one day.”
Lexi’s face pops into my head, but I shove her away. What the heck is my brain—or heart—doing? Picturing a possible future with Lexi?
Mom’s arm drops from around me. “You okay, sweetie? You’re shaking.” Placing her fingers under my chin, she tilts my head from side to side to make sure I’m not damaged.
“I’m fine, Mom.” I turn to Manny. “Was nice talking to you again. I’m going to my room to do my homework.”
“Wow. Homework? Good for you,” Manny says. “I can’t get my kids to open a book on the weekends.” He waves. “Good luck and have fun, Brock.”
“Thanks.”
Before I leave, Mom pulls me into her arms again, squeezing the life out of me.
“Mom,” I groan.
“Okay. I’m just glad you’re here, that’s all.”
I understand what she means. She’s glad I’m here—as in, I didn’t hurt myself four years ago. She’s also glad I’m back home and not in Boston. But mostly, I’m pretty sure she’s glad and relieved that I’m doing okay.
I hug her back. “I’m not going anywhere. Promise.”