Chapter Twenty-Seven
Lexi
There’s only one thing on my mind over the entire weekend: my conversation with Brock.
I never expected him to tell me he thinks Finn could be a good boyfriend to me. Does that mean that Brock doesn’t…that he hasn’t…?
I guess he doesn’t like me as more than a friend.
Which is okay. I mean, it hurts a lot, but I can’t force him to have feelings for me just because I have feelings for him, no matter how much I yearn for it. Maybe the only thing Brock and I could ever be is friends. Best friends. The closest friends on the planet. Brock has been through so much and might not be in the right head space for a girlfriend—he admitted that a few weeks ago. It wouldn’t be right for me, or for him, to wait until he’s ready. Like Finn told me before Brock came back, I might wait for him forever. I would never really live.
I don’t want to spend the rest of my life alone. Could that happen if I hang onto my feelings for Brock?
Like Finn said, I need to let him go. Even if I don’t want to. I can’t hang onto a dream or a wish that may never come true. I think I’m mature enough now to understand that. Even if it makes me feel like my insides are being squashed.
But can I see myself with Finn? I’ve been pushing it away ever since he admitted he liked me because it’s too stressful to think about it. I’ve always seen him as a friend, but to have that all come crumbling down? There’s been so much change in my life and it felt safe to have at least some things that would never change—like my friends. But then Finn rocked the boat.
Finn is a really good guy. He’s always been there for me. I guess if I think about it, I might have gotten just a bit closer to him than the other guys after Brock left to Boston. I care about him a lot.
If I want to be honest with myself, I can see myself with Finn. I know he’ll do whatever he can to make sure I’m happy, because that’s what he’s been doing the past four years. And I would do the same for him. What if he and I are meant to be? Could I possibly lose him because I’m scared to try? I might regret that for the rest of my life. I mean, we don’t have to rush into anything because we’re still young, but maybe giving him a shot might change my life forever. Maybe it’ll bring me a happiness I didn’t think I could have with anyone other than Brock.
I shouldn’t date or get close to Finn just because he has feelings for me. But I also don’t want to shut the door on him if he could potentially be the right guy for me. My mom has always taught me to get out of my comfort zone and let go of my fears, to try new possibilities. Because you never know where life could take you.
For years I thought Brock was the right one for me, but maybe I’m wrong. Maybe the right guy for me has been under my nose all this time.
So when Monday rolls around, I get up from bed feeling much better than I did over the weekend. My brain is still stuffed with confusing thoughts, but I have clarity as well. I think I’m ready to take life by the horns and see where I’ll end up.
After eating pancakes with Mom, we wish each other a good day and I sit on the steps to wait for Finn. My fingers wring in my lap. I don’t think I’ve ever been nervous to see him before.
I’m so consumed by my thoughts that I don’t hear the van pull up. When the car honks, I almost fly to the sky.
With a chuckle, Theo sticks his head out of the window. “You were totally spaced out, Lexi!”
I get up from the steps, sweeping up my backpack and making my way to the passenger seat. After wishing everyone good morning and buckling up, I say to Finn, “Can I talk to you before school starts?”
He seems surprised, but he says, “Sure.”
On the way, the guys, like usual, argue over comics and music, and other random stuff. My mind is packed with my thoughts and feelings about Finn. And Brock, too, but I need to push him away if I want to determine if I actually have a real possibility with Finn.
When we reach school, I lead Finn to the backyard, where we sit side by side on a bench. Some kids eat lunch out here when the weather’s nice, but most kids usually just eat in the cafeteria.
I wring my hands in my lap again, my stomach twisting with nerves and uncertainty. I’m not usually this insecure—I always go after what I want—but this is uncharted territory for me. I have no idea if I’m doing the right thing.
“So what’s up?” Finn asks. We must have been sitting in silence for like five minutes.
“I thought about what you said,” I admit. “Finally,” I add with a nervous laugh.
He laughs nervously, too.
We’re both quiet.
“Um…” I play with my hair. “Maybe we could…try?”
His eyes fill with surprise. “Wait, you want to go out with me?”
“Yeah. I mean…” I play with my hair again. “We’ve known each other for years and get along so well. You’re a good guy, Finn. Honestly, I never saw you as boyfriend material until you brought it up, but maybe you’re right. About Brock, I mean.”
His brows furrow. “What do you mean?”
I stare off in the distance as I try to formulate my thoughts. “Brock is my best friend. He always will be. And he’ll always have a special place in my heart. But maybe that’s all he can be—my best friend. I guess…” I lower my gaze to my shoes. “I guess I thought he and I would end up together. I think everyone did.”
Finn nods.
“But maybe that’s not meant to be. I’m so happy and thankful that Brock is here, but he’s obviously been through a lot and he told us he doesn’t know when he’ll be ready for a relationship. It’s like you said—I might wait for him forever.”
I can tell that words are bursting to fly out of his mouth, but he’s giving me the chance to say everything that’s on my mind.
“I’m not saying you and I are meant to be,” I explain. “We’re only sixteen—what the heck do we know about that kind of stuff? But you never know what might work out in life. Who knows, maybe you and I are soulmates.”
Finn nods. “We could be. So does that mean you want us to…?”
“We can try,” I offer. “We can hang out, just the two of us, and see where it leads.”
“You sure you want to do this? I hope I didn’t pressure you or anything. It’s not like you have to choose between me and Brock. You don’t have to choose either of us.”
“Yeah, I know,” I assure him. “But it can’t hurt to try, right?”
“Right.”
I put on a brave smile. “Okay. Cool.”
He returns the smile.
We sit out here for a short while in silence. I shift a little in my seat, wishing he would say something because this feels somewhat awkward. I used to be completely fine sitting with him in total quiet. Is it different now because he and I might be…whatever?
I guess I can’t expect everything to fall into place so easily. Life isn’t like that.
Slowly lifting my eyes to Finn, I find his gaze pasted on me. I never noticed how soft his dark brown eyes are. But when I look into them, I don’t feel like I’m getting sucked into them and gazing into his soul. Like I did with Brock. And I don’t feel the warmth, or the butterflies, or the heart racing I felt with Brock.
I shake my head. It’s not right to compare them. If I want to seriously have a shot with Finn, I need to see him for who he is, not compared to Brock.
“Did you say something?” he asks.
“What?”
“You shook your head. Did you say something?” His brows come down. “Did I say something?”
I laugh lightly. “No, sorry. Just telling my brain to shut up.”
“Oh.” He laughs, too.
In the past, he might have teased me. Maybe said something like, “Yeah, your brain talks too much sometimes.” But he doesn’t say anything like that. Hmm, is he going to treat me differently now? Well, duh, of course he will. But will it be that different? I don’t want it to be.
Maybe we just need time to figure it out? That’s normal, right?
“You look like you’re in deep thought,” Finn says.
I laugh lightly again. “My brain really needs to shut up.”
“It’s okay. There’s a lot to think about.”
“Right.”
“The bell will ring soon, though. I don’t want to be late to class.”
“Yeah. Me either.”
We stand up from the bench and head into the school building. The guys are all gathered at my locker, and my heart leaps into my throat when I notice that Brock is there, too. This odd sensation passes through me. It’s…excitement. Joy. Like my heart is super happy to see him.
“There you two are!” Cooper calls. “Where did you run off to? We were worried you ditched without us.”
Brock spins around. When he and I lock eyes, my breath gets knocked out of me. But no. Brock is just my friend. My friend. The best thing for him is for me to be there for him as his friend.
“You know we all can’t ditch together,” Nate reminds Coop. “It would look suspicious if eight kids are missing from the junior class on the same day.”
“What were you two doing?” Dean asks with a puzzled expression.
“History assignment,” I blurt.
“Oh, right. Didn’t you give that in, though?” Gael asks.
“No,” both Finn and I say.
Nate shrugs. “Whatever. Let’s head to English.”
I notice Brock’s eyes move from me to Finn. Does he suspect…? He shouldn’t really be surprised. I mean, he was the one who suggested I try with Finn.
I try to get a sense of how he feels about it, but his expression is neutral. No sadness or jealousy. I guess he really doesn’t have feelings for me.
Why does that hurt? It’s for the best, isn’t it?