Chapter Thirty-Four
Lexi
When I come home after my conversation with Brock, I face-plant on the living room couch with a sigh.
I’m so glad we were open with one another, but now? My mind races with so many confusing and conflicting thoughts, and my heart is one big mess. All I want to do is sprint back to Brock’s house, gather him in my arms, and tell him the only thing I want is to spend every single second with him. Spend my days making him smile and holding him when he’s feeling sad. To shower him with every ounce of love I carry in my heart.
Because, yeah, I’m pretty sure I love him. I probably have been in love with him since I was a kid.
But could he and I have a healthy relationship? Are we truly too obsessed with each other? I don’t want to make his life more difficult. What if a relationship is the worst thing for him right now? What if he won’t be ready to be with someone for another few years? Would I wait? I can’t see myself being with anyone else, so I definitely would wait. But what if that’s the wrong thing?
Ugh. I’m once again thinking about him and not myself. I just told him a few minutes ago that I need to put myself first and figure out what I want. What makes me happy. But what if I’m incapable of doing that?
What exactly do I want?
I hear footsteps enter the room and then Mom asks, “Lexi? When did you get home?”
“Just now,” my muffled voice says.
She steps further into the room. “Are you okay?”
“I’ll live. I think.”
She lowers herself next to my head and starts playing with my hair. “What’s going on, sweetie?”
“Life is too confusing.”
“Yes, life can be very difficult and confusing.” She strokes my head. “Does this have anything to do with Finn? Did your date go well?”
“I broke up with him.”
She’s quiet for a second before saying, “I see. How are you doing?”
“It was the right decision.” I roll over and lower my head on her lap, staring up at the ceiling. “I realized that we were putting so much pressure on ourselves to make things work. We had so much more fun when we were just friends. Things were natural and they felt right.”
“I’m glad you were able to come to that conclusion. I can’t imagine it was easy.”
“I feel so bad,” I say, tears poking my eyes. “Finn has feelings for me, and I wasn’t able to return them. Does that make me a bad person?”
“Of course not, sweetheart. You can’t force yourself to like someone. The best person you can be is an honest person. It would hurt him more if you pretended.”
“Yeah, that’s what I told him. It wouldn’t be fair to either of us if I continued dating him when I didn’t share his feelings. It just kills me that I hurt him.”
“You did the right thing, Lexi. Now he’ll be able to move on and meet someone new one day. Someone who will return his feelings and love him for him.”
“I just hope things won’t be awkward between us. I’d hate to lose him as a friend.”
She bends down to kiss my forehead. “Have faith that everything will work out. I’m sure Finn would hate to lose you as a friend, too.”
“Yeah. But he’s right about Brock. I am too obsessed with him. I don’t know if I can not be obsessed with him. He’s consumed every part of my life.” I sigh. “I know it’s not healthy. How do I put myself first while still caring about him?”
“Wait, what are you saying about Brock?” she asks.
“Finn claims I’m obsessed with Brock. That I was obsessed with him after he left for Boston and I’m still obsessed with him now. I have to admit that he’s right. Ever since Brock came back, my whole life revolved around him. And I think his whole life revolved around me, too.”
Mom’s playing with my hair again. “You two share a close bond that many people don’t have, or understand.”
“I went to Brock’s house after I broke up with Finn and we had a long talk. We both admitted that we like each other a lot. But we also realized that we both put each other first. All we want is to make the other one happy. I don’t know if Brock knows what he wants outside of me. He says he wants to be back to his old self—does that mean I need to step out of his life so he can achieve that? And then there’s me. I think I need to take a few days to figure out what I want. What will make me happy.” I turn my head to look at Mom. “But how can I know what’s truly best for me? I know that I have strong feelings for Brock. I can’t see myself with anyone else. Maybe I’m too young to know that, but you knew Dad was the right one when you were my age, didn’t you, Mom?”
Mom’s eyes get soft as she smiles. “Yes,” she says, her voice full of emotion. “I knew Dad was the one the second I laid eyes on him.” She puts her arm around me and draws me close to her chest. “But you shouldn’t compare yourself to Dad and me. You need to figure out what’s best for you. Because before you commit yourself to someone, you have to first make sure it’s the right thing for you. Or else you’ll never have a healthy relationship. You can’t give yourself to someone if you’re not sure he’s the right person to give yourself to. If that makes sense.”
I slowly nod as I ingest her words. “I need to make sure Brock is the right one for me before I give every part of myself to him. I’m positive he’s the right one, but how do I know if I’m good for him? Brock has been through so much. I don’t want to ruin his life.”
She kisses my temple and gathers me even closer in her arms. “You’ll need to ask yourself difficult questions that will take a lot of maturity. Most kids your age won’t have to ask themselves those kinds of questions. Are you certain you don’t want to be with Brock out of guilt? Maybe as a promise to your younger self? You and Brock were so close when you were younger and maybe you made yourself some promises. Is it possible you’re trying to keep them?”
“I… I don’t know. I don’t think so…”
“You need to look at the person Brock is today. Do you want to be with that person, or are you clinging on to the person he used to be? An old version of himself, or perhaps a fantasy version you made up in your head? Because the person Brock is today is vastly different from the one he was before Andy’s death. If you want to be with Brock, then you’ll need to accept him—all of him. The good and the bad. All the pain and trauma he’s been through. The pain and heartache he may carry with him for the rest of his life. Lexi.” She puts her hands on my shoulders and looks into my eyes. “A relationship with Brock will most likely be different from a relationship with another person. He’ll need a lot of support from you. A lot of patience. Things might not always be easy—in fact, they may be very hard. Brock has only been here for a few weeks, and I’m pretty sure you haven’t seen every part of him. How will you react when something triggers him? What if he tries to shut you out? Do you think you’re mature enough to handle that? Will you know when to step away or when to push him? I’m not saying you need to have all the answers—if you and Brock decide to be together, it will be a learning process. You just have to keep in mind that a relationship with Brock won’t be as easy as other teen relationships. It may take a lot of work and dedication and patience.”
My brain is once again galloping with so many thoughts. I don’t know if I can make sense of any of them.
“You don’t have to make any decisions now, sweetie,” Mom tells me. “You’re still young and you have plenty of time to figure things out.”
“Brock and I discussed taking a break so we can focus on ourselves and what we want. I want him to figure out what he wants outside of me. And I need to take some time to decide what I want and what is best for me.”
Mom nods. “I think that’s a good idea. Take as much time as you need. Like I said, you’re still young. You don’t have to make any rash decisions.”
“Thanks, Mom.” I reach for her hand. “Thanks so much for listening to me and for giving me advice. There’s a lot I need to think about. I wish there was a button I could press that will give me all the answers.”
Mom chuckles. “Don’t we all.”
“How did you know Dad was the one? I know you said it was love at first sight, so doesn’t that mean you guys were pretty obsessed with each other, too? How did you know he was the person you wanted to spend the rest of your life with?”
Mom’s whole face lights up as the memories play in her head. “The most important thing I needed to consider was if he was a good guy. Did he have a good heart? Was he kind to other people? Would he be a good husband and a good father? I realized that he was so dedicated and passionate. He gave his all to the people around him, and especially to those that he loved. Just like you.” She smiles and bends down to press another kiss on my forehead. “When I look at you, I see your father. I’m so glad a part of him will always live inside you. Inside you, and Skylar, and Aidan.” A few tears drip down her cheeks. “He may no longer be with me, but he will always live, because of you kids. And I know he’ll continue to live on in your children, and their children.”
I wrap my arms around her. We stay in each other’s arms for a very long time. But it’s getting late and I’m pretty tired after the long, emotional day I had. Not to mention Mom looks pretty beat, too.
“Thanks so much for the talk, Mom,” I tell her. “I know I already thanked you, but I really appreciate it. You’re the best mom in the world.”
She sniffs and chuckles. “And you kids are the best kids in the world. I’ll always be here for you.”
We wish each other good night and then part to our rooms. After taking a long and relaxing shower, I hop into bed and stare up at the ceiling. I feel relieved now that I’ve spoken to Mom. Like a load has been lifted off my shoulders. There’s still so much I need to figure out, but I’m confident I can make the right decision, even if it takes some time. I need to look into my heart, but I also need to think rationally about it as well.